Carus Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 It's just making me feel bad still, to know I got replaced that easily and he moves on with his life as if nothing has happened Does it comfort you to know that you are not alone in that? Its coming up 2 years for me. 'They' are still together.... I can tell you, it does get better if you stay strong and take care of You* ((hugs)) K2* 8) Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Does it comfort you to know that you are not alone in that? Its coming up 2 years for me. 'They' are still together.... I can tell you, it does get better if you stay strong and take care of You* ((hugs)) K2* 8) Thanks Kalgan, yes, it does make me feel a little better that I'm not the only one... what did you do against that feeling of being replaced?? I don't know, I'm really struggeling and I hate the feeling of being replaced, since I thought I was as special to him as he still is for me... Ahhh... it's so hard still Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Thanks for your post MountainDrew! It makes me feel a little better to know I'm not the only one...and I'm sorry, you have to go through a similar thing...I think this is one of the worst kind of break ups...being left for someone else/ finding out they cheated on you Yeah, it's really something I can't grasp! We don't know if they still think of us or miss us, but we can only look at their actions...and speaking from my ex, well getting engaged within 4 months of being with her tells its own tale, doesn't it??! Although I'm doing much better, too, it's still causes such a pain to see him moving on so extremely fast, while I'm still picking up the 10000 pieces of your broken heart and still having a hard time being without him... He always made me feel and told me, I was "the one" for him...I hate the feeling, I wasn't "good enough" for him or that I must have done something wrong...lately I'm blaming myself a lot... it just sucks Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Destiny ,i think its not easy as we think.The dumpers usually carry that guilt.I m dealing with the fact that its even hard for me to talk to my ex on the phone.He still cares for me as a friend.But i cannot have just half of him. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Thanks again for you insight, very much appreciated!!! I don't know, how I would react if my ex reached out to me again one day in the future... I don't know if I can ever forgive him for leaving me for someone else and moreover getting engaged within oly 4(!!!) months I'm so hurt, disappointed, feeling betrayed by his actions and I don't know if I could ever trust him again and sadly, I don't think my ex has the courage to contact me again, ever again, after all that happened, I guess, he knows messed up... anyways, soon he'll be married to her*sigh* That is something "final" in my eyes... Yeah, I can't know, how he is feeling, but I assume, he is very happy and in love with her, otherwise he wouldn't be engaged with her, I guess... All I wished for, was at least an apology one day, but I don't expect much anymore... Despite everything, I still love him and I'm having a really hard time, being without him, knowing he is happy with someone else, someone, who isn't me, isn't that sad??! When your ex's contacted you again after years, did they want to reconcile or were they just initiating contact again? Even the ones, who were dumpers came back to you? I also do believe that everything will work out for the best! And I'm trying to move on with my life and accept things how they are... the whole break up has made realize so much about myself... I just wished my feelings for my ex would finally start to subside.... Best wishes back ;-) Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Destiny ,i think its not easy as we think.The dumpers usually carry that guilt.I m dealing with the fact that its even hard for me to talk to my ex on the phone.He still cares for me as a friend.But i cannot have just half of him. ...maybe you are right... but I think the feeling of guilt doesn't set in immediately...I think that happens after a while, maybe after months or years...I suppose, when they leave you for someone else or find someone new shortly after the break up, in the beginning they feel relieved that they spoke out that they want to to break up and are consumed by their new partner, by being in love. In this early stage of their new relationships they don't think of us dumpees that much...and if they do so, it maybe with a feeling of guilt..and since they don't want any negative feelings to overshadow their honeymoon stage, they probably do everything possible to avoid thinking of us... What do you think?? I couldn't be friends with my ex either, but anyways, he doesn't want me in his life, he completely shut me off his life and doesn't show much interest in how I feel....he just disappeared...gone... Link to comment
DaveTrump Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Yeah its virtually impossible to rebuild the relationship if they've cheated. You could get back together but there would always be that doubt of it happening again. My ex was engaged after only a few months and married less than 1.5 yrs together with her new man lol. Mad huh? I think when you make a big move like this, (particularly if it was a long relationship before) they have to justify it and prove to the world and themselves that they're doing the right thing. That's why people sometimes get married 4 or 5 times, because they need to elevate to the same level fast. Personally, I find that irrational and worrying. If I met a woman and she said she had already been married 3 times, I think I would run. lol! Getting married during the honeymoon phase is just nuts! I didn't propose until 3 yrs into the relationship. Even my cautious approach didnt pay off. However, I do feel I had a lucky escape. You will one day too! I think it's normal to feel sad your ex has gone off with someone else and living a happy life with no apology. Tell me, what are your plans now that he is not around? The ex's who were dumpers contacted me to get back together. I don't remember a dumpee coming back. Each time it was after I started a new relationship. Those feelings still sound fairly new. When you accept them for what they are, start to see where it went wrong, what you want to do with your life, and becoming more positive each day, they will convert into anger, because anger gets in the way of what you need to do. It becomes tiring having that mindspace used up with a cloud over your head. I've got through the anger/hate last summer. Now I'm trying to get fitter. The exercise is a nice confidence boost. All you can do at the end of the day is learn and put more into your life and fulfill your dreams. It's your life you can do whatever you want now. Link to comment
Carus Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Thanks Kalgan, ... what did you do against that feeling of being replaced?? Cried a river of tears for about 10-12 months until I just ran out of tears! Seriously! Kept reading, posting and helping others where I could. Let time work its magic. Got better and better at NC. EMDR therapy. Counselling. Kept eating, sleeping and breathing. Let time work its magic. Found outlets for my troubled brain. (For me: Writing music and screenplays) Stayed strong in the storm. Let time work its magic. I follow your posts Destiny* and I really feel for the pain you are in...I will never forget....! Your join date is only Nov 2010...VERY early days yet Im afraid. Unfortunately there's no shortcuts through this, but Im up ahead shining a light for you... Once the pain subsides a bit we'll work on changing your way of thinking* One thing I know about being replaced is this: The first 6-8 months is pure hell. The deepest depths of Mordor. Demons and Dragons claw at your soul....Mainly because you know they are in that honeymoon stage while you sit around trying to tear your own skin off.... But now, 2 years later, I am feeling sooo much better. Almost normal again! Even been dating a gorgeous girl who is 10x the girl my ex will ever be. She is leaving soon though so I wont crow too loudly about that... But the ex and my replacement....Are the still in that honeymoon stage? They may still be together, but methinks not... In fact, methinks stuff all....Indifference Town is just around the corner...* I guess my heart and this post goes out to all those whose ex's rebounds weren't actually rebounds... Stay strong....It really is G.I.G.S for us dumpees....You just gotta get through the desert first* Sending You Strength K2* 8) Link to comment
ilyforever26 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 It's really hard to be dumped by somebody without any clear reasons at all. My last relationship dumped me actually. Her reason is because she can't no longer take the pressure in our relationship and her studies. LOL Well, knowing her, she has lots of dreams in life. No matter what it takes, she will surely do everything just to reach her goal. Then from that on, our relationship become an open relationship we're actually entertaining each other but still carry that baggage inside us so no happy ending I guess. Now, she's acting as if she doesn't care anymore. I think its her own way to be strong, but that stupidity will definitely eat her up in the right time. Link to comment
finallystrong Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Maybe I'm just an alien, or think way differently than everyone, but let me put my two cents in... I've been in a few situations similar to posters on this thread, and I never once thought about how happy they were with their new found love. Whether they were sad or happy with their new relationship, I could care less. How is thinking about that going to help me at all? It's not. The only reason it would be productive to think about is when you reflect and ask yourself why he did it. Reflecting on your relationship, retaining all the vital information conveyed throughout it's entirety, and focusing on what you can learn from it, is most important after a break up. It's all about being productive. Yes, it's good to let your emotions loose for a while, but it should not be excessive. And the hurt should not be related to how happy or unhappy he might be, whether he has a new g/f or not. If he broke up with you out of blue, but not for another girl, would you feel less bad? To me, it wouldn't matter. Out of the blue is out of the blue, regardless of his reasoning. You obviously still have unanswered questions you are willing to pose to him, but he obviously didn't care. You should be happy are free from a person that doesn't even have the decency to explain to you the reasons behind his actions. At least if he told you why, you could possibly have other areas you could work on for future relationships. But now, it's more of a deep self-reflective puzzle. You now have to ask yourself questions to figure it out, since he didn't have the guts to tell you. When my girl left me out of the blue, and gave me no reason like yours did, I just started asking myself questions. Was it because of my family? Job? My goals in relevance to hers? Did I treat her fairly? Was I oblivious and naive to a subliminal message she was trying to convey? Destiny, you just have to learn from this experience and stop blaming yourself for what happened. It's rare that a kind genuine person leaves a relationship to jump immediately into another one. People who care about working on what went wrong, or why they didn't want to be in their present relationship, take time to reflect and learn from their experience. They don't' just jump blindly into another relationship like that, because that is almost asinine. And if I was that girl, I would think twice before getting with someone who left their girlfriend for me without any time in between. If he can do that to you, he most definitely will to her. He has some issues going on, and he most probably didn't even deserve you. Moving on is your destiny, Destiny. Haha. I wish you the best... Link to comment
kuteknish Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Destiny, you just have to learn from this experience and stop blaming yourself for what happened. It's rare that a kind genuine person leaves a relationship to jump immediately into another one. People who care about working on what went wrong, or why they didn't want to be in their present relationship, take time to reflect and learn from their experience. They don't' just jump blindly into another relationship like that, because that is almost asinine. And if I was that girl, I would think twice before getting with someone who left their girlfriend for me without any time in between. If he can do that to you, he most definitely will to her. He has some issues going on, and he most probably didn't even deserve you. Moving on is your destiny, Destiny. Haha. I wish you the best... cheers to that! Link to comment
finallystrong Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 cheers to that! Cheers! (here's a tequila shot for destiny) Link to comment
ilyforever26 Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 When my girl left me out of the blue, and gave me no reason like yours did, I just started asking myself questions. Was it because of my family? Job? My goals in relevance to hers? Did I treat her fairly? Was I oblivious and naive to a subliminal message she was trying to convey? Thinking of those reasons can make you go crazy! My ex just told me to stop and move on because sh*t happens to everybody! lol I think I deserve some explanation on why she treated me so bad or why she always make me feel very different from everybody else. I don't know, I just woke up one day that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. She's so problematic with herself and I'm not a part of it. So I actually believed on what she told me. Then I told her, ok you just need space if you need anything just tell me. Then all of a sudden, boom! A day after I left her, She was fine already? lol Just imagine, all the reasons she told me why she wanted to be alone suddenly became all lies! Now, everytime I'm asking her why, she will simply answer, I can't remember it anymore. Oh men! She's very smart but she can't recall things? What's that? Selective amnesia! lol Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 Actually I haven't really thought of it before, but I guess, you are right, some people need to prove to others and mostly to themselves that they made the right choice and make big decisions head over heels! I wouldn't want to get marry so fast! I don't understand my ex's behaviour, but I don't understand her either! If I knew, my new boyfriend just came out of a LTR and got together with me, without NO time at all inbetween the 2 relationships, I would be cautious... But who knows, probably she thinks, "wow, I definetly must be the ONE for him, since he left his long term gf for me and is really serious about us, otherwise he wouldn't want to get married to me"... Well, I for one wouldn't want to get married within the first, let's say 2- 3 years... you need time to get to know each other, to grow together...and getting married in the honeymoon phase, well, of course, everything still seems perfect, since you still see everything through rose- tinted glasses... I hope, one day, I'll see (like you) that everything that had happened was for the best! Well, my plans, now that I'm back on my feet again (well, at least most of the times), is to continue my studies, study really hard to finish university and get my degree end of this year...January 2012, I am going to New Zealand for an internship for 3 months. That is something I'm looking forward to...I'm glad, I found a "new" goal after the break up...I was really devasted and thought, omg, what shall I do with my life now, without my ex, my life is meaningless without him in it!! It took me about 2 months to finally see the sun behind the clouds, to see, my life does go on, even if he isn't around anymore, but I must admit, it still feels new and weird that all my future plans that I had made throughout the last few years, concerning him and a future together got shattered now... and to be perfectly honest, I'm a bit scared of the future still, of what is going to happen with my "new" life... I started exercising more, started snowboarding and go see my friends more often... I'm happier with my life again, but there is still the void my ex has left and I still think of him every day and get sad that it all had to end like this... I guess, I just need more time... he was my first love, the first, with whom I was serious and with whom I could have pictured my future... I try to believe that it just wasn't meant to be and the right one for me is somewhere out there, just waiting for me ;-) I'm sorry to hear, you had to got through somtehing similar with your ex getting engaged that quick, too... it's still something I can't grasp, I guess, I'll never understand that kind of behaviour... has that ex ever tried to get in touch with you again after the break up? Interesting that the dumpers wanted to get back together... was it when their new relationships failed or just because they were lonely and realized their loss?? I don't if you have seen my other thread. I blocked my ex's email now...it's for the best, at least for now. I don't think, he'll contact me anyways, but even if he did, it would only set me back and at the moment, there is nothing he could say to take away the huge pain he had caused by his behaviour and the break up... and I'm not interested in being friends. And if he is really serious, he could find other ways to get in touch... Hugs! xxx Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks so so much for you nice post kalgan and for following my story!! You know what I'm going through, it's just horrible and sometimes the pain feels unbearable still... Well, I guess I need to let time do it's magic and be patient with myself on my way out of hell, haha... I have the feeling, it's still a long and hard way for me to heal and to feel normal again... well, that is my first serious heartbreak and I can tell, I have never ever in my life experience such a pain, I never even thought I was capable of feeling that miserable, that sad, that lonely, that helpless... it's a whole new set of (negative) feelings, I haven't had to deal before... my ex was the person, who made me feel the happiest and luckiest person on earth and now, he is the one who is the reason for all my suffering, for making me feel sadest person on earth... I know, I have made a big progress compared to how I felt in August or September and I'm crying less often already and gained back my smile and happiness (at least most parts of the day)... but I still can't stop thinking of him, missing him, envying her for being the girl on his side now, the one who receives his love and tenderness... it's just a horrible feeling that the person, who was so close to you for some years, now is a stranger and doesn't care about you anymore... from one moment to the other it is all over... and there is nothing you can do to change about the fact that someone else is his top priority now...it all is still new and strange for me...I have to create whole new habits and built up my "new" life without him and it's so hard...sometimes, I just feel so weak though, I wished I could go to him, shake him hard and shout at him to make him open his eyes again and see that I am the one for him... but I know, I can't make him love me if he doesn't want to be with me anymore... it just hurts badly... like you say, the fact that I'm so miserable while he is in his honeymoon stage, extremely in love with her.... ahhhh it makes me so sick and makes me feel even more miserable... Like you say, I can't rely on the fact that she is just a rebound... would he really get married to a rebound?? I don't know, getting married is a major step (at least for me) and he just seems to be so sure that she is the one for him, would he really want her to be his wife otherwise??? Knowing that they soon will be married hurts the most... at the moment I can't imagine that I'll feel indifferent about that fact, at least not within the nearer future... it is something so final, so definite... Thanks for you support Kalgan!! I really really appreciate it!! ;-) Thanks so much for you caring and your support! I'm so glad to have joined ENA and to have found so wonderful people here!! Really, you all help me sooo soo much!!! Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks for your wise words!! Defintely, my destiny seems to be moving on, haha... I know, you are so right in all you are saying...my way of thinking doesn't help my current situation at all....it only causes additional pain and makes me feel even worse... It's just so hard to change that way of thinking, I don't know, why...I wish I had reached that point already where I could follow your words and just don't care whether they are happy or not... I know, he isn't responsible for my happiness, but it's still how I'm feeling. I'm really trying, believe me, but I just find it extremely hard and often find myself blaming myself and my thoughts going back to him or to the past... I think, like you said, the fact, our ex's just left without really explainig much or without having given us a chance to make it work again makes my moving on so difficult. I hate the fact that my ex just gave up and didn't even give us a try to make it good again... Like you said, having been given any reason at least would allow me to know what I did wrong in order to make it better in the future... now I'm just guessing what I could have done wrong, since I know there must be a reason... happy people don't just leave a relationship... My ex just blamed the distance for everything, that he was tired of feeling sad and lonely all the time and that he needed my company but I was never around, well and that the other girl makes him happy again. Shortly before the break up, he said he was feeling strange for a while already and started talking to his brother about us but didn't really have the strength to actutally talk to me... Great that he never mentioned how unhappy he was, how much he was suffering, if I had only known what was going on inside of him... instead of trying to talk to me, he started looking for someone new behind my back!... he said there is nothing really wrong with me, he just thinks, he is too weak sometimes... well, that was the only "closure" he gave me... Probably you are right and he didn't even deserve me...maybe you can make my heart believe that too, please.... All the best for you as well, and thanks so much for you wise post!!! ;-) Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 Cheers! (here's a tequila shot for destiny) Haha, thanks guys!!! ;-) Link to comment
michelle21689 Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 I think dumpers probably do have an easier time moving on compared to the dumpee because like everyone else has mentioned, they had much more time to prepare and think about it. It really sucks...my ex broke up with me last week and it was such a huge shock to me and everyone. I thought we were gonna be together forever, 5 1/2 years together, we had a cute little story about our relationship. He was crying really hard when he broke up with me, lost weight, couldn't eat, and for some odd reason I know for sure he was thinking of me. His feelings changed for me, he fell out of love so I don't get it. He grew apart from me...I think the Army and his new busy life caught up to us even though I thought we were doing fine. We had a great relationship and he knows it. We are eachother's confidant and I was there for him NO MATTER WHAT!! He's deploying this year and who the hell is gonna be there for him now? Some future rebound chick willing to wait for him for a year? Ugh, whatever. I hate to say it but if he's going off to war and since he's been good to me...I'll still be there for him when he needs me to be. Anyways, I've been healing so much faster than I thought I would. I love him with all my heart and I think a part of me always will. It hurts that what I thought was gonna be has ended...but I've accepted it and I'm moving on knowing that one day I will be truly happy no matter what. Each day gets a bit better and better... Link to comment
DaveTrump Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 I think you're going to be really fine. You've got so many possibilities with your education and internship. I have no doubt it will lead you to great things, because that is what you deserve. You'll never get inside the mind of a dumper. I'm sure all your friends have said your ex's whirlwind romance will probably burn out. These things normally do. My ex contacted me a couple of times. Once by email which was just small talk; lets be friends BS, which I didn't answer and another was a phone call (which again, I didn't answer - she left a voice mail) regarding a bereavement in her family. Sadly, it was someone i was very close to while we were a couple. I sent some flowers out of respect. That was about 9 months ago. I don't know why my ex's came back. Perhaps the grass wasn't greener, or maybe they just needed the thrill of cheating on their new boyfriend. Maybe they just missed me. To me it is insignificant. One thing they all had in common was, they were still with their current boyfriend. If I take someone back after it fails then how can I rebuild on something that finished. I can't do that. I have read stories of people getting back together and being even better than before, but I think deep down it's not for me. Sure everyone deserves a second chance (as they say) but why trust someone that's cheated on you, and then comes back to cheat on their new boyfriend...?!! My ex was/is feeling guilty and probably thinks I will hate her forever, for what she did. I don't think those two thoughts will give her the courage to call. I really hope she is happy. That is all I wanted for her. I might get an email from her one day, but I'll only ignore it. I used to think a lot about her getting in contact and telling me what a terrible mistake she made, and then I'd not show much sympathy. Probably laugh a bit and wish her the best for the future. I think that was a fantasy about regaining my pride, but I'm over that now. Took me a while to stop thinking like that. No, I haven't seen your other thread. If it is about NC, then stick to that. There is nothing worse than an ex or even a mutual friend telling you something you don't really need to hear. Some people get a kick out of passing on information but try to avoid these people as well. Just leave it behind and concentrate on having fun, looking ahead with a view to creating a happy life with someone that will not give up on you. Hugs to you too Link to comment
DaveTrump Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 We are each other's confidant and I was there for him NO MATTER WHAT!! I'll still be there for him when he needs me to be. It's great that you gave yourself to this relationship but being there for someone 24/7 and still leaving yourself available after the relationship...well, I don't know if that's healthy or gonna benefit anyone. I admire your loyalty. However, people can feel smothered by someone that is ALWAYS THERE - NO MATTER WHAT. So, instead of going in all guns blazing (excuse the analogy) find a middle ground where the Man has to do most or at least some of the chasing too. Men respond well to that. Take care and Good luck with your healing. Link to comment
annlamalice Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 Dear Destiny, One day my boyfriend dumped me for a stupid reason. I begged and pleaded. But he never came back. I called him a million times he never answered his calls. Two weeks later I found out he was dating his co-worker since a month already. We were together five years. After our break up, he went NC. Did not contact me. Refused to take my calls. Did not seem BOTHERED at all by my pain. He did not seem unhappy. Oh he seemed very delighted with his new relationship - and he left me there, broken, into thousands of pieces. And all I could ever do was call him? Beg him to come back. It seemed it gave him more power to ignore me. Then one day, I decided to go NC. Because I had read in all those e-books that NC could make someone come back. So I went NC for 3 months. I cried everyday. I fought those desperate urges to call him. 80 days...70days...60days..50days.... Still nothing. Then one day I got a text message. He said hi. How are you doing? So YES, they feel nothing when they dump you because their new relationship is so exciting. and YES, they regret. THEY REGRET when they realise that their new girl is not you. NO they NEVER forget. My ex called me after, to tell me he made the most stupid mistake of his life! Too late. I was already over him. You've been his life for 3,5 years. And the day everything will come crumbling down on him, he will think of you. And believe me, this day always comes. Just think of it that way : You should never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. Good luck! Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 Thanks so much for your nice encouraging post Just what I needed to hear, to feel better!! You describe exactly what I'm going through right now... my ex also seems perfectly happy with his new gf and doesn't seem to waste a single thought on me and our relationship... but you are right, let's see, how things will look for him, when his honeymoon phase will be over one day... I hope, when this day comes, I just won't care anymore, whether he wants me back or not! Your words give me hope!! Thanks!!! Hugs** Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 [/b] Thanks so much for your nice encouraging post, annlamalice Just what I needed to hear, to feel better!! You describe exactly what I'm going through right now... my ex also seems perfectly happy with his new gf and doesn't seem to waste a single thought on me and our relationship... but you are right, let's see, how things will look for him, when his honeymoon phase will be over one day... I hope, when this day comes, I just won't care anymore, whether he wants me back or not! Or at least that my pain will have subsided by then... Your words give me hope!! Thanks!!! Hugs** Link to comment
Jewels7 Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Destiny, if/when that day happens you won't care anymore. That's what matters. Link to comment
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