D3adkl0wn

Wish you were here...

Today I just wanted to call and tell you again that i'm going to be okay.. not to seem like i'm rubbing it in or anything... just so that you can focus on yourself and your issues, which was the reason for this whole mess, and I just didnt want you to be worrying about me.. I was referred to a psychologist by my (our) doctor today.. it was the same one as you have been seeing (sadly not enough to build enough trust so you can deal with things).. I called him and he's on vacation until early February.. this was disappointing because I needed to talk to someone.. but more because I know that you arent going to have a chance to talk to him until then either.. I miss you, and I love you..

Hey, as much as i miss you and as much as i love you and as much as i want you back, I realize that nothing I can do for you and nothing I can say can make you feel okay with yourself until you sort that out on your own.. you are my angel, my sunshine, and my punkin, and you deserve to feel well.. as one of the most amazing people I've ever had the pleasure to meet Im so sad that I cant be with you right now.. I love you.. i hope you know that, and that you know that when you're okay with yourself, and if i can at that time, i'd be happy to start this ride over again because you are the girl for me.. in my heart and soul i know this to be true.. Love oxox

Hey, I just wanted to try and sort some things out between us because this not talking to you is becoming really hard for me. I know that the amount of time we've spent apart is quite short in terms of "real time" but these last 2.5 - 3 weeks have been brutal for me. If i didnt know better, I'd have to guess that its been more like a month or more since I've seen or spoken to you because of how horribly long this has dragged out for me.. This is a very long time to be out of touch with the person you love, and made even worse by the fact that its giving us no sense of what the other person is feeling about anything right now.. at least that's how its affecting me. I want to tell you that I miss you, honestly, more than anything right now, and i'm really having a tough time not knowing if this feeling of loss and the feeling that something important is missing from my life, is exclusive to myself, or if you are in any way feeling the same way since I left. Because the way i've been feeling has been so amazingly bad that I simply cannot go without contacting you again. I really need you to know that I love you, just as much now as I ever did, and I know that things are tough for you, right now especially, but I just really need you to know and understand that I do. That being said, I'm also aware that this alone cannot fix the things that you have to work through, but I really wish that you could look at it as a resource to be used for support and strength, rather than something that you feel is holding you back. I've told you before, I wouldnt have been with you unless I was there by choice. It was a conscious choice I made in the beginning to accept your past and present troubles as part of the whole package that you are. I was warned of these things from others and told that I shouldnt get involved with you because of them, but because I felt so strongly about you I couldnt let such an amazing person slip through my fingers. I realized from the beginning that things might get rough, but as I'm sure you can recall, I put in as much time and work as i could to get you, and I dont regret a second of it. During our time together, I have seen you have such great improvement in dealing with issues and problems in your life, and I've been told by many of the important people in your life, including yourself, that you're much happier since we've been together. Also, I've said it before, and I still mean it, you have made me happier than anyone i've ever met in my life, this is totally truth. I know that because of my not fully understanding the extent of the situation you were previously dealing with, that there were times that things were trying for both of us, often due to mis-interpretation problems or some other issue, but I still say that with a firm grasp on the situation as I do now, I think that we could carry forward and continue this amazing relationship that we started together. Since we've been together I have not regretted a moment with you, I feel more connected to you than anyone else i've ever met, and I really just want to be there with you and help you to strive overcome all that life throws at you. I cannot imagine losing you, and until this happened, I was under the impression that the feeling was mutual.. that there was a bond between us that we both could depend on each other to be there and help the other smash through whatever stood in our way.. I want you back in my life, thats pretty much as plainly as i can say what i'm feeling here. I honestly think that us not living together might be for the best, and I'm definitely willing and able to try and use this step backward with things to try to make it work from here, if you are willing to try too. I dont want to just throw away the last year of our lives for nothing..

(this has been almost said to my ex about 20 times today.. but i've fought the urge to make contact) you were the one for me, I knew this from the moment we started talking and hanging out... I was aware of the difficulties that you were going through with your ex and his past abuses, but because I felt so strongly for you, I was prepared to be there for you through thick and thin and do whatever it took to get you through that point in your life.. I understand that you havent really dealt with these things because our relationship was going so well and you didnt want to become a downer on things.. however when you proceed to allow these things to build up to a point where it destroys something that even yourself said was amazing, It really hurts.. Why couldnt you just talk to someone more regularly, Why couldnt you talk to me, WHY was it that when I was clearly wanting to help YOU, all you did was push me away until my reactions to that caused more problems for you?! I absolutely love you, and I miss you like crazy.. If i could do anything for you to help mend things I would, and you know that.. The hardest part is knowing that you are still just dealing with it in the same way you did before.. just distracting yourself from the problem until you feel okay enough to carry on, without really resolving anything in the meantime, or doing anything productive at all for that matter.. I worry about you because of this.. Before you were living with family and they were there to make sure you ate and took care of yourself.. but now that you're on your own, I'm afraid that you wont have that kind of support and you'll suffer more because of it.. I just wishj that you'd talk to a professional about the things he did to you far more regularly than you are.. they can help.. you just have to give them a chance.. but seeing a doc once a month isnt cutting it babe.. its been almost 2 weeks and I want like crazy to call you and talk to you.. to try and talk some reason into your mind that this was not the way to handle things, because now you've got nothing to rely on but pothead friends and people who are telling you to drink to solve your problems.. It scares me that, by the time you work this all through and get somewhere, It'll be too late.. too late for us.. too late for anything other than this.. but i cant call, I cant txt, I cant visit.. because those are the things that might just drive you further away.. but I want to know if you are feeling this pain too over my not being around.. is this affecting you at all? I cant tell.. and its' killing me..