Kids or no kids?

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree, one should never give up their dreams to please another. My ex wasn't too fond of my choice (he never really supported it really) but I knew he and I were never going to get married. I know CS worries about me giving up school for motherhood but to me, motherhood is the ultimate career goal, everything else is just a passion compared to that.

[lostnscared]

Good post. I'm the same as you in that regard. A friend asked me on facebook what I believe my calling was and I said "to be a mom". But when we talked about it further, I mentioned that I will be starting back school(I already have my bachelors) in January of this year and that I'd prefer to be done with school, beginning my career, and so on before having children not just for financial reasons, but because ultimately my calling is not only to be a mother but to pursue my goals and to do what I love. I wouldn't be able to do those things or devote time and energy to those things in the way I want to, if I had children prior to accomplishing many of these goals. I've seen many friends that have "fell behind" on certain goals, schooling, etc because they had children beforehand and had to make choices in their child's best interest. It makes me sad to hear a friend who wanted to be a doctor, settle for being a ultrasound tech, because she has children and can't commit to schooling and med school in the way she would be able to if she hadn't had kids. It makes me sad that a friend wouldn't be able to go abroad(like they've always wanted to) because they need to be with their child. Watching so many friends have to pass up wonderful opportunities, or "settle" for certain careers(that they don't even want) because they had children, was enough for me to realize that by doing things that I enjoy and starting a career that I enjoy PRIOR to having children, in many ways I will feel much more accomplished(for myself) and less resentful(many of my friends are). I couldn't be with a man that wasn't supportive of my goals to further myself and do what I love, or who would want me to just have children without any goals outside of that. My goal to be a mom, is on the same "ranking" as my goal to pursue a certain profession.

I think you did what was best for you.

[Childless70]

Please read my only "Started Post," I asked a similar question because my relationship -at the time- depended on that issue. I got a lot of responses that might help you.

 

For the most part we all know the good things about having kids, but if you're not sure is good to know the advantages of not having them. See this page: link removed

 

I personally, although I wasn't into kids at all, thought I wanted them until I was about 35. At that time, I married a guy with two on his own and one of our many problems was that I couldn't "bond" with the kids. I just didn't enjoy playing with them, I wasn't interested in talking to them much, I just found kids activities really boring. We divorced two years later. At 37 I experienced 1) the responsibility and limitations of having just a dog, then 2) the freedom of not having any kind of responsibility other than myself, and that's when I made my decision of staying Childfree. Now I'm 40 and convinced kids are not for me. I don't have those motherly instincts in me, I don't like to be around kids because their noises and messiness bother me etc. I like my life the way it is and don't want to change it.

 

 

Now days, having or not having kids is a CHOICE that should be respected either way.

 

Good luck!

[Applewhite]

^ Wow I actually like a lot of the stuff written there! And some of it is SO funny

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree with childless, to have or not to should be respected. I know women who view a woman not having kids as not being a real woman and its silly!

[Applewhite]

There are VERY few parents that I've seen do a good job. I lose respect for people who are parents and are NOT ideal parents. Now almost everyone who's ever had a child or wants one will either get angry at this statement or defend themselves and claim they ARE ideal... If this is the case then I am sorry - but the first sentence I wrote is my observation.

[lostnscared]

There are VERY few parents that I've seen do a good job. I lose respect for people who are parents and are NOT ideal parents. Now almost everyone who's ever had a child or wants one will either get angry at this statement or defend themselves and claim they ARE ideal... If this is the case then I am sorry - but the first sentence I wrote is my observation.

 

I think that is because with parenting there is no standard "right way" to do it. And what is ideal to one person, may not be another. Human beings are not perfect, so I expect parents not to be perfect either. I too have watched many parents make mistakes, and have thought to myself "that person shouldn't have had kids"--then I realize that parenting is one of the MOST difficult things we could ever do. And that being a parent does not mean that we are not human, that we will not make mistakes, or errors when we raise our children. But even some of the parents that aren't ideal--they try to be, and they do the best they can. I've seen a lot of parents come close to doing a "good job" but fall short, but it never changed the fact that they loved their children, and did what they believed was best at the time. Most people do shoot to be ideal parents, but I believe it's harder than we childless folks think.

[Applewhite]

I don't think 'people are not perfect' is a good enough defense/excuse to take responsibility of CREATING a life then screwing it up...

[OptomisticGirl]

I think there is a difference in purposefully bringing a cjild int8 say a drug addicted home and a mom forgetting to put a hat on het child's head. What are things you would classify as a parent screwing up hike?

[lostnscared]

I don't think 'people are not perfect' is a good enough defense/excuse to take responsibility of CREATING a life then screwing it up...

 

It's not an excuse it's a valid explanation. Have you ever screwed up before? Yep. Have you ever done something destructive? Yep. As human beings we will never make perfect decisions or do everything 100% correct. When you have kids, you don't stop being the person you were before you have kids. So if you have made mistakes before AT ALL(which we all have) having kids does not mean that you will all the sudden stop making mistakes. The belief that because you are creating a life, you should not and can't make mistakes is very unrealistic. It's a nice concept but just not possible. Even if you tried your BEST not to, you will--parenting is such a complex "job" that most people will fall short in one aspect or another. I have NEVER seen a perfect parent. But what I have seen is SEVERAL good parents that did the best they could, and raised wonderful children despite their shortcomings. In all I'd say that is what I would strive for. There are some really screwed up parents, but there are those who did their best and did a good job, and in the end, I think that is far more realistic to strive for than to be the "perfect" ideal parent.

[Batya33]

I didn't need to have a child to have responsibilities to people other than myself. I had responsibilities towards my SO, my parents/ family, my colleagues,the people I worked with at my volunteer job,et.

[lostnscared]

I sent my friend a link to your site and she wasn't too pleased with the benefit list. She said it was all selfish. lol. I thought it was fun to read though.

[newwave]

That's a great blog and I think it's well thought out. Even though I'm considering kids (as compared to MUST have them) I hate those kinds of people you mention. I hate these women (mostly women some men) who become only child obsessed and that I could never be. I also couldn't ever have a child unless my husband was equally involved and unfortunately many men aren't. You mentioned baby showers and agree with you. Those are horrible and even if I have a child no way would I have one of them (would have a coed party). People (not here I don't think) have said I'm being unreasonable because I intend to be a "cool" mom who has a career and a child and not one of those annoying parents that talk about poop and formula versus breastfeeding (just for the record I'd likely bottfeed too).

 

However I'm prefectly fine never having kids if it comes down to that. I know several childfree couples (my age and many are my parents age) and they are happy. They retired early and have extra money to spend as they choose.

[Capricorn3]

If you wanted kids - did you always know you wanted kids? If not when did you realize? Why did you want kids? After having kids have you ever regretted your decision?

 

If you didn't want kids - did you always know? Did you ever doubt yourself? Why didn't you want kids? Since deciding to not have kids and not having them (especially if you are mid to late 40's or older) do you regret the decision at all?

I was completely neutral on the subject of kids. I didn't really care either way if I had them or not. I wasn't crazy about them, but at the same time I didn't "hate" them either. I was quite happy either way - if I had one, cool, if not, that was ok too. Anyhoo, after about 5-6 of marriage we eventually had our first and 3 years later our second child and without a doubt they are the best things that has ever happened to me. They are my pride and joy and I never regret having them.

[Lonewing]

There's no reason you can't still be an egyptologist...or something just as exciting within the archaeology and anthropology of England.

[Lonewing]

For the most part we all know the good things about having kids, but if you're not sure is good to know the advantages of not having them. See this page: link removed

 

Now days, having or not having kids is a CHOICE that should be respected either way.

 

 

That page was quite amusing...I found this quote to be most amusing:

 

link removed[/i]]Formerly Childfree:

Personally, I don't believe there is any such thing as "I USED to be childfree" -- most of us find that it offensive when people make this claim. Many of us have fought way too long to be taken seriously in our choice, and all the non-childfree people who claim they used to be childfree just discredit us. Please don't take them seriously.

 

My educated science background leads me to the position that if you have to ignore valid data in order to preserve your original hypothesis, your original hypothesis may not be as sound as emotions think it should be...

[Batya33]

People (not here I don't think) have said I'm being unreasonable because I intend to be a "cool" mom who has a career and a child and not one of those annoying parents that talk about poop and formula versus breastfeeding (just for the record I'd likely bottfeed too).

 

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If you really believe having a career and a child is what makes you a "cool"mom -and if your priority is to be a "cool" mom you may want to rethink whether you really want kids -not because you shouldn't work outside the home- you should if you want to,of course -but how you define what is "cool" and what is "annoying" with no acknowledgement of the many gray areas. Most of my friends who have children and careers chose to breast feed by the way so I'm not sure why you think bottle feeding is consistent with having a career. I don't have a career right now and it doesn't stop me from having a diverse, well rounded life. I don't need to be a "cool" mom - I just need to know I do my best each day at parenting.

[SayWhen]

I think a lot of women and men who decide to have children fall into a period of instinct for procreation...and I'm not saying they necessarily regret it later on, but of the people I know who have children, most of them have an attitude of "not being able to wait until they're out of the house." I know I go through periods of time during which I am extremely broody...I just "feel" I want to be pregnant/have a child. Then a few weeks later it will pass and I will be rational again, and so happy that I am childfree (for now). It's only natural to want to reproduce, but there are so many external considerations in this day and age that seem to be an afterthought to a lot of parents. I do know that if/when I have a child, I will need to be in a place where I feel very satisfied with what I have done in my young life as a childless person, and I will need to feel that I will not harbor any resentment towards a child becoming more of a priority in my life than myself. I know how that sounds, but feelings such as these are exactly where bad parenting stem from. I think it's great that there are a lot of people who just KNOW they want nothing more than to parent, but personally, I want a lot more from my life.

[newwave]

If you really believe having a career and a child is what makes you a "cool"mom -and if your priority is to be a "cool" mom you may want to rethink whether you really want kids -not because you shouldn't work outside the home- you should if you want to,of course -but how you define what is "cool" and what is "annoying" with no acknowledgement of the many gray areas. Most of my friends who have children and careers chose to breast feed by the way so I'm not sure why you think bottle feeding is consistent with having a career. I don't have a career right now and it doesn't stop me from having a diverse, well rounded life. I don't need to be a "cool" mom - I just need to know I do my best each day at parenting.

 

By cool mom I mean I refuse to be one of those annoying ones who tell everyone about their baby's poop or things like that. No I don't plan to breastfeed (might pump though) but that's not what I meant.

[Batya33]

By cool mom I mean I refuse to be one of those annoying ones who tell everyone about their baby's poop or things like that. No I don't plan to breastfeed (might pump though) but that's not what I meant.

 

I know many many moms and none behave that way. My mother wants to know all the nitty gritty details about her grandson which is typical -none of the other moms I know are like that and having a career won't stop those so-called annoying moms anyway. I was responding to what you wrote in your first post, before you changed it.

[newwave]

I didn't change anything I wrote. I just refuse to be one of those annoying moms with no life.

[OptomisticGirl]

There's no reason you can't still be an egyptologist...or something just as exciting within the archaeology and anthropology of England.

 

Yes it is. You have to go to school for YEARS for that, and I"m just not willing to sacrifice my dream of being a mom for that. As much as I love history, I love the idea of being a mom more. I can sooth my passion by watching the history channel and documentaries. I don't fill like I'm sacrificing to become a mom because to me, NOT becoming a mom by choice would be a sacrifice, and I'm not willing to make it.

[lostnscared]

Yes it is. You have to go to school for YEARS for that, and I"m just not willing to sacrifice my dream of being a mom for that. As much as I love history, I love the idea of being a mom more. I can sooth my passion by watching the history channel and documentaries. I don't fill like I'm sacrificing to become a mom because to me, NOT becoming a mom by choice would be a sacrifice, and I'm not willing to make it.

 

Couldn't you still go to school while you had children?

[OptomisticGirl]

I didn't change anything I wrote. I just refuse to be one of those annoying moms with no life.

 

You never know. My best friend never wanted kids and could NOT stand the site of vomit or poop. She got pregnant (unplanned), her my niece, and just doens't care about poop or vomit anymore. Children change you in a way you least expect it. I think you have a mindest though of certain moms. I'm sure there are women who sit around and talk about their babies poo but most women don't. They coo at the babies, trade cute stories, but most of the time when they are with friends, they want adult conversation that doesn't involve kids.

[OptomisticGirl]

Couldn't you still go to school while you had children?

 

Ah, no. Because to do what I want, I'd have to go to Egypt. Plus, I'll still be working when I'm a mom. School plus kids plus job equals insanity, lol. School is just not for me anyway. I was a horrible student. I'm perfectly fine with working my way up into a company I like and realizing my dream of being a mom. Plus, you have to pay all student aide back in the UK (I believe), and that's just a whole lot more debt.