Kids or no kids?

[newwave]

I have small hips (though I'm not a small person really) and I fear this is one of the reasons I might have a c section. That and in 2006 I had a LEEP. I know most women still deliver natural but still freaks me out.

[OptomisticGirl]

The small hips may cause you to have on NW. Then again, you could give naturally. Labor is a funny thing.

[lostnscared]

My friend was 5 ft11 and 138 pounds and delivered naturally 3 times. She was tiny and all, and had no issue delivering any of her babies.

[newwave]

I know I shouldn't worry about this now since Im not having kids for 2-3 years or so (hopefully). Plus twins run in my family and older moms tend to have twins so add all that in and my age at that point (41-43) and it's a good chance.

[Lonewing]

So much fear!!!

 

Allright, ladies, if there's anything my mom's four home births and 1 hospital birth and 2 C-secitons taught me [she had a natural birth between the first C and second C] it's that no matter what you do, GET A GOOD MIDWIFE! My mother's midwives were of the homeopathic-natropathoc strand, and I credit this partially to why my mom was able to handle this experience so many times. Now I'm not saying you should have them at home, but I am saying that the best cure to fear is information and support from someone who knows birth like it's their business!

 

Other than that, it seems every single child is born different. Some take days to deliver, others pop out in literally seconds ["Honey, my water just broke" - plop plop fizzz "waaaaaa!!!!" "Honey, the baby's out!"] with nearly no discomfort to mother or baby. And some babies have to be on respirators for three months after they're born. My fifth brother, when he was born he was literally the size of a small child's doll when he was born, his baby clothes looked and were the size of a small doll - his twin didn't make it, it was indeed a rough time in my life. Lesson from that pregnancy, is that if you're pregnant, you take the best care of yourself AND your child, so if the doctor says you shouldn't be working, DON'T work!!

 

One residual piece of experience left over from home births and natropaths...what can I say except that placenta is indeed edible, though I wouldn't recommend it if you can't handle the idea. It's like a cross between liver and heart - I personally prefer an all natural grassfed bovine ribeye!

[OptomisticGirl]

My nephew was born at 31 weeks and weighed 3 lbs 15 oz. when he was born. His birth was scary.

 

I read an article a few months back about the NHS in England, they took a poll on mothers who had given birth in hospitals and many said they were not informed enough after the labor and there needs were meant. I told CS I'm sorry but I'm American, I won't be afraid to grab a nurse by the scrub top and tell her she can answer my questions or I'll do the American thing and sue 'em. Kidding, somewhat.

[Batya33]

I want natural with an epidural. CS's first job is to make sure they get it to me ASAP and hope I"m not too far along with way. If I am, I feel sorry for his hand, lol

 

I think natural means no epidural - you mean "no c-section" right? Newwave- taking an enema or laxative before can be dangerous unless your doctor prescribes it (I was not allowed to take laxatives for digestive issues during my pregnancy). I pushed for hours but because I had a maternal fever and the baby's heartbeat was getting erratic we were advised to do a last minute c-section before it was an emergency. I had an epidural once I got to the hospital. about 12 hours after the labor started, a few hours in hard labor. All went fine - the baby had to be in the NICU for about a day because he had a fever (maybe from mine or maybe I got mine from his who knows). But all was great. I healed quickly, too.

[lostnscared]

I've decided on a water birth as well but I AM getting an epidural. I am all for going natural but I know what my pain threshold is and if there is something that can make my birth experience more pleasant (ie- less painful) then I'm going to go for it. I do still like the idea of not lying on a hospital bed though, and most hospitals do have hot water tubs for birthing.

 

This is what I want--to have a baby in a hot tub, and still get the epidural, and have a doula.

[OptomisticGirl]

I think natural means no epidural - you mean "no c-section" right? Newwave- taking an enema or laxative before can be dangerous unless your doctor prescribes it (I was not allowed to take laxatives for digestive issues during my pregnancy). I pushed for hours but because I had a maternal fever and the baby's heartbeat was getting erratic we were advised to do a last minute c-section before it was an emergency. I had an epidural once I got to the hospital. about 12 hours after the labor started, a few hours in hard labor. All went fine - the baby had to be in the NICU for about a day because he had a fever (maybe from mine or maybe I got mine from his who knows). But all was great. I healed quickly, too.

 

yeah, no c-sections unless I have to. I want pain meds, lol. And on a hospital bed. Something about water births freak me out...

[Unknown1607307972]

 

If you didn't want kids - did you always know? Did you ever doubt yourself? Why didn't you want kids? Since deciding to not have kids and not having them (especially if you are mid to late 40's or older) do you regret the decision at all?

 

 

Thanks!

 

I'm young but I still feel my opinion is valid as I have strong opinions on the matter

 

I decided I don't want children because it just never felt right, I was very young when I started saying I didn't want childen and since then I have never doubted it. I have a weird phobia of pregnancy (not just childbirth but pregnancy itself) too which has also put me off. The idea of something living inside my body, feeding off my nutrients and expanding my shape really disturbs me to the point of nightmares. I have this same dream where I am pregnant and I am desperate to get rid of it but can't, like I have a bomb under my skin. Pregnancy just also feels very lonely, I mean a man can be as supportive as he physically can but in my eyes he can never equally understand and share the experience with you...it's lonely to me.

 

I also have issues with depression, anxiety and and an exremely firey temper. I also lack patience terribley and find the sounds of babies crying/kids yelling brings out an intense rage inside me...and that started when I was a kid myself! I would and still do get to the point of wanting to pull out clumps of my hair when little brothers cry. I would never be violent towards a child, in fact I am much more likely to be violent towards myself. These are not great qualities for a mother.

 

I also just want to be free. I find the idea of motherhood very trapping and restrictive. As a woman, I know socieity puts lot of pressure on the female parent to be the primary caregiver and that's just terrifying to me. I need a lot of time to myself, and while my boyfriend can understand that a child probably wouldn't. I need stability and order. Here comes the selfish part, I want to travel to as many countries as I can, I want to be able to spoil myself, to spend my money on enjoying my life, I want the luxury of not having to worry about children. Selfish, but my right.

 

Finally, seeing what other people go through with kids. Sure they love their children but I see so much noise, chaos, mess, stress, it just seems like my idea of a nightmare! My family have said to me I shouldn't have children unless I really really want them because there's so much work and stress, if children are a lifetime dream for you then it's worth it and they're the best choice you've ever made despite all that, but else if you didn't really want them it could deep down feel like a mistake.

 

I'll be happy to be an auntie but I'd be a terrible mother. Of course my personality chould do a complete 180 and I could end up with a family but it feels extremely unlikely. I can understand why some people want kids but it's not for me.

[newwave]

I get what you're saying, especially the part I bolded about society. That's probably the main reason I was staunchly against having kids. Women get the third degree if we still have a career after having kids, and if we don't breastfeed we are awful. I would still have a career and not expect my husband to support me. Unfortunately many of the guys I've known still want a mother to stay at home and this is why I avoided these guys.

[Unknown1607307972]

I agree with the breastfeeding thing too, I personally would not wish to breastfeed if I had kids. I just find it puts the sole responsibility of the child's feeding onto me...the less stable parent. The fact is, my best friend was bottle fed with formula entirely as her mum couldn't breastfeed, her and her brother are perfectly healthy, she in fact has a freakishly good immune system. I've met others who were bottle fed like this who are also completley healthy, so I personally feel that breastfeeding isn't as vital as people make it out to be and should be up to the mother to decide. Some women want to breastfeed, some don't, and either way doesn't change how good a parent you are.

[Batya33]

"I get what you're saying, especially the part I bolded about society. That's probably the main reason I was staunchly against having kids. Women get the third degree if we still have a career after having kids, and if we don't breastfeed we are awful. I would still have a career and not expect my husband to support me. Unfortunately many of the guys I've known still want a mother to stay at home and this is why I avoided these guys. "

 

Not true in my experience, any of it -I grew up in a major city- the first 40 plus years of my life -had many women friends all the time -often close to a hundred, knew of hundreds over my 20 plus years as an adult -your statements are an exxageration beyond recognition and it sure is sad if you are going on those kinds of assumptions in making your decision. Maybe in a tiny town that is insular and follows a particularly conservative religion that might be true -but in general, nope. I couldn't have breastfed without herculean and risky treatments because it wasn't working and then I developed a medical condition shortly after the birth. I was afraid of opposition but got nothing but support. Most of my friends work outside the home based on a combination of preference and financial. I choose not to and yet I contribute financially from my nest egg. We all respect each other's choices. Of course there are judgmental people - and people who act like jerks -but they are the minority and to let those types affect you that way makes no sense. What might make more sense is that you are looking for excuses not to have to put in the effort to find someone with whom to have a healthy relationship. Just thnk about it.

[Batya33]

I am impressed with how much self awareness you have and how much serious thought you've put into this major decision. Good for you!

[Unknown1607307972]

I am impressed with how much self awareness you have and how much serious thought you've put into this major decision. Good for you!

 

Thank you. It's nice to have my opinion respected, I always respect the choices other people make when it comes to children myself.

[lostnscared]

At least your aware of what you want and don't want to deal with. I suffer from mental health issues (ADD, general anxiety, and depression from time to time) I used to worry that these "issues" would effect my being a good mother, but I'm not too worried about the ADD anymore. The general anxiety and depression are things that I'm trying to focus on changing before I get married or have children. But I definitely, like you, would not want to have a child, if I'm suffering from intense mental health issues. My mom watched her mom try to kill herself, when my mom was 6. I would NEVER want to be that way with my child.

 

With the bolded paragraphs I completely understand your sentiment. I think for a lot of people motherhood SOUNDS very trapping and restrictive. And in some cases it is, but in others isn't as restrictive or as "trapping" as people make it out to be. I believe that you can still travel, spoil yourself(from time to time) and spend your money enjoying life, even when you have a children. I guess, I'm different, in that I don't think you have to stop living your life once you have children. I do think that your lifestyle will change drastically. But I don't think that life ends once you have a child. For many, once you have a child, your life begins. And for others, having a child just "enhances" their lives. I know there ARE people who definitely are upset and resentful at their choice to have kids--so if you think you would be that way, it's good that you don't planning on having them.

I have list taped to my wall of 52 things I want to accomplish before I'm 28 and I plan to accomplish all of those goals (children is included in that list) before I'm 28. I definitely recommend that any woman who has goals to do amazing things, travel, learn, finish school, start her career--do all of that and more, and if it's a priority to you, do it before you have kids if you can.

 

With the last bolded paragraph, I understand your sentiment and felt that way when I was a little younger. Now I think it's so fun. I got to give my 3 godchildren a bath on Saturday(they are 7 months, 2, and 3) and let's just say it was pretty fun, watching them play with the alphabets and bubbles in the water. having to dart their water squirts and splashes at me. It was even more priceless the night before when we all went to Denny's and the kids were eating do disgustingly that I almost couldn't finish my good. I love it. But understand that it isn't for everyone. I did get annoyed when I was trying to watch the Bad Girl's Club reunion and the kids kept wanting to smack my butt and jump on me, or jump on the bed with pizza in their hands. Yep fun times. LOL.

[newwave]

Actually I am not exaggerating it at all. Yes those were the guys I met and I lived in a major city's inner suburb (where the majority were from the inner city). Most of the men I met were exactly like that.

[newwave]

I agree with the breastfeeding thing too, I personally would not wish to breastfeed if I had kids. I just find it puts the sole responsibility of the child's feeding onto me...the less stable parent. The fact is, my best friend was bottle fed with formula entirely as her mum couldn't breastfeed, her and her brother are perfectly healthy, she in fact has a freakishly good immune system. I've met others who were bottle fed like this who are also completley healthy, so I personally feel that breastfeeding isn't as vital as people make it out to be and should be up to the mother to decide. Some women want to breastfeed, some don't, and either way doesn't change how good a parent you are.

 

Yep. I have no problems with others doing it, just not my thing. I was bottlefed and so was my brother and neither one of us were sick and both graduated with honors. I want my husband to feed the baby just as much as I would. I might consider pumping it, but directly feeding from the breast? No it makes me feel uncomfortable.

[lostnscared]

I would want to breast feed, and if I could I would. I would try to breast-feed at least for 1.5 years per child. From what I've researched there are ways to make it much more comfortable. But I know it's painful and difficult to get used to in the beginning.

[Batya33]

Actually I am not exaggerating it at all. Yes those were the guys I met and I lived in a major city's inner suburb (where the majority were from the inner city). Most of the men I met were exactly like that.

 

I mostly meant your generalizations about the so-called third degree. as far as breastfeeding I beat myself up about it so much for the first 12 days when it was not working and then when I needed medication for my post-birth complication, I admit I felt some relief in my choice not to take the risk that my medicine would harm the baby via the breastmilk and was relieved not to have to take experimental supplements for my milk supply (apart from the meds I was required to take for my condition). My son thrived on formula and now thrives on milk.

[OptomisticGirl]

I want to breast feed but for only six months.

[lostnscared]

I want to breast feed but for only six months.

 

Why only 6 months? LOL. I believe most doctors say that you can breast feed up until the child turns 2(if you want). My goal would be to breast feed for a year and a half(if I could) per child.

[OptomisticGirl]

^^because they start getting teeth and I have heard horror stories, lol. Plus it puts all the food givinh on me. CS and i agreed that while I breast feed, he will get up to burp the baby and put them back to sleep as a means to help me out.

[lostnscared]

^^because they start getting teeth and I have heard horror stories, lol. Plus it puts all the food givinh on me. CS and i agreed that while I breast feed, he will get up to burp the baby and put them back to sleep as a means to help me out.

 

I would probably breast feed for 6-8 months, then I would probably start pumping from then on out until the child is at least 1 if not older. I don't mind being the main person feeding the child--I would just have the hubbie compensate by changing more diapers and giving baths.

[OptomisticGirl]

Lol. I want them to get breast milk but after six months I'm.fine with formula. My mom was only able to breastfeed for three months with us.