Thekid55's Healing Journal

[italiannmf24]

Thekid55 I am absolutely at a loss of words on how your situation played out in the end.

 

I am utterly surprised that the ex came back to you and have both have created a new relationship (hopefully lasting). I would've never known that she put so much work into herself like that after reading your entire journal, start to end.

 

This is an inspiring story for future eNAers to come. Good luck in the new relationship and bravo on all you've accomplished in the last 8 months.

[thekid55]

Hey - did she say anything about you ignoring her and being completely like strangers when you saw each other ?

 

She did. We both agreed that not acknowledging each other's presence was the best thing for us to do at the time. There was so much tension when we saw each other out that you just knew that there were big time feelings on both sides. I remember going up to her at this bar maybe a month after we broke up back in November. I tapped her on the back, said hello, she lit up and said hi back and I just kept walking towards my friends. It was hard as hell to keep moving when I wanted to talk to her.

 

She said it hurt her that we didn't talk, saw me with other girls, etc. but we just had to do it. The more I think about it, we both made it a point to be as far away from each other when we were out. I didn't wanna see what she was doing and vice versa. It was part of the process for both of us.

[thekid55]

Thekid55 I am absolutely at a loss of words on how your situation played out in the end.

 

I am utterly surprised that the ex came back to you and have both have created a new relationship (hopefully lasting). I would've never known that she put so much work into herself like that after reading your entire journal, start to end.

 

This is an inspiring story for future eNAers to come. Good luck in the new relationship and bravo on all you've accomplished in the last 8 months.

 

One thing I wanted to add--much of this journal was based off of things people were telling me. In particular, I had this one friend (who hated my gf) feeding me information. Those two girls had been friends for a long time and had a bit of a falling out when we broke up. She kept feeding me all of this information to me about her and I believed everything because I was so vulnerable. I told my gf about some of the things that were said. A few were true, most were fabrications. Lesson learned that you should never ask other people what's going on with an ex because you don't know who to trust, what to trust, and if they are indeed telling you a truthful story. Plus, finding out info keeps you stuck in the past.

 

At this point, I don't care about who was telling the truth or not. I'm living in the present and dealing with things on my own accord. I know I'll never ask other people for information on an ex ever again.

 

The girl who was feeding me all of the information bugged out when she found out we were working on things. Why she did it? I'll never know. She has a long-term boyfriend and just seemed overly nosey. I just feel bad for the girl I dumped because she's really, really good friends with her and I'm sure she's being fed a lot of garbage.

[thekid55]

I think the forgiveness is absolutely indispensable, but usually, and it seems to be true in your case, forgiveness is preceded by a lot of communication about each person's role in things, what happened, how it felt for each person, etc. There may be some people that can forgive with no discussion of the past, but true healing involves making amends with an open heart and a willingness to hear the pain experienced by the other person. When our experiences and feelings are validated by someone we love, forgiveness can come quite easily and make it that much easier to move ahead as a new couple. Nice going TK55.

 

Exactly. Communication needs to be open on both ends. Since her and I have been talking again (about three weeks now), we've spent a great deal of time talking about why our old relationship failed, how we can avoid it happening again, and changes we have made. I learned that she's the type of person who just needs space and time to think when she's overwhelmed. I've told her to communicate that to me in the future if she starts to feel that way.

 

I'm the same way. Sometimes, I just need time to sit back and relax and reflect. I do think it's essential for both parties to talk about the past though. There's going to be some hurt feelings and it takes a lot to try again. Might as well lay all of the cards down on the table before proceeding or problems will lie ahead.

[CMS]

Very impressive and very happy for you, theKid, so much that I will overlook your Jeter avatar and Yankee fanboyism for now (go Sox)

 

Anyway just want to wish you luck, you sir are inspirational to a lot of hurt people here.

[iBroken]

Exactly. Communication needs to be open on both ends. Since her and I have been talking again (about three weeks now), we've spent a great deal of time talking about why our old relationship failed, how we can avoid it happening again, and changes we have made. I learned that she's the type of person who just needs space and time to think when she's overwhelmed. I've told her to communicate that to me in the future if she starts to feel that way.

 

I'm the same way. Sometimes, I just need time to sit back and relax and reflect. I do think it's essential for both parties to talk about the past though. There's going to be some hurt feelings and it takes a lot to try again. Might as well lay all of the cards down on the table before proceeding or problems will lie ahead.

 

I dont want to sound like a debbie downer but I will say this from my experience. While its great that you can identify whats wrong, what works, what can be done, how to fix the past, there is always this "euphoric" feeling that is miscontrued as a genuine drive to make it work (if that makes sense?). I hope that your girl is not like my last ex. When we came back together, we talked about the time apart, what we learned about ourselves, where we went wrong together and what we need to fix (communication of course being one of the biggest issues). But after 6 months, she left again.

 

I know everyone's situation is different. And I hope it works out (we all like a happy ending and well because Id like to believe that true stories like Love do exist) however please please please watch your back and keep your guard up.

 

Again - all the best

[thekid55]

Hi iBroken. Good to hear from you. Good point too. That's one thing that I forgot to touch on. During the time apart, I totally revamped myself. I realized that I can't lose myself in my partner like I have done before. In time I can give her more and more, but I loved her more than I loved myself the first time around. When you get to that point of putting your partner ahead of yourself, well, that's when bad things happen. We should always care and give them as much as we can without losing ourselves.

 

She has said to me already that I'm not as mushy as I used to be and that's a good thing. I've read and talked to many people about attraction and all of that good stuff when it comes to women. I need to be the man of the relationship and be the rock. I can't be the emotional one. I have to be the rational, strong one. I felt like I wasn't 100% that way before and her attraction for me completely died. Now, there's a time and place to be mushy, but constant mushiness is no good. I'm completely available to her emotionally, but I feel so solid and so much more comfortable now. If she left tomorrow, I'd be sad, but I wouldn't be devastated as I was before. I've made all of the classic mistakes, know what not to do, and would just carry on. You always have to be willing to walk away if your needs/wants aren't being fulfilled and in turn, that makes them want to stay and make you happy.

 

Just my two cents. Good point, iBroken. I appreciate the support and hope all is well.

[Silverbirch]

so happy for you!

[WeightOffChest]

Hey thekid,

 

Just skimming through the thread (very interesting and nicely written), and I saw a post from a couple months ago that asked how you would feel just hanging out sitting on a couch with her, and then her cellphone starts blowing up. I mean, due to the time you were apart, I'm sure you've learned to let it go. But how do you deal with the resentment/insecurity that something like that could bring?

 

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope to be following a similar path of healing to you.

[thekid55]

Hey thekid,

 

Just skimming through the thread (very interesting and nicely written), and I saw a post from a couple months ago that asked how you would feel just hanging out sitting on a couch with her, and then her cellphone starts blowing up. I mean, due to the time you were apart, I'm sure you've learned to let it go. But how do you deal with the resentment/insecurity that something like that could bring?

 

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope to be following a similar path of healing to you.

 

Thanks for the kind words. Honestly, to answer the bolded part, I've adopted a very simple attitude towards it. There's nothing on Earth I can do to prevent someone from leaving. People (friends, family, lovers) will always come and go in life whether it be falling out of touch, physical boundaries, or even death. There's no stopping them, so there's no point in worrying about it. Just embrace and cherish everyday that you have with them.

 

When her phone starts to buzz or ring or whatever, I just continue to watch television, work on the computer, whatever. Sometimes, she'll say who is texting her and I won't really care. Personally, I don't want to know nor really care. She likes to look through my phone and I don't have anything to hide so I let her. In our case, there was never any cheating or infedelity, so it's not touchy for me like it would be for some others. At the end of the day though, you either trust someone or you don't. It's a very black and white type of thing. You either completely trust your partner or let them go and find another. Period. Again, I go back to people leaving. There's nothing you can do to stop them from leaving so why try or even worry about it. Just a waste of time in my opinion. Hope this helps.

[TheJerseyKid]

See its funny to me you let her look through her phone. That has always been a huge boundry for me. I would find it totally unacceptable to catch my SO looking through my phone. I have nothing to hide as well, but to me it just says "I don't trust you". My most recent ex and I had this mutual understanding about not touching each others phones. I never asked who texted or called, and she would usually just volunteer the information without me even asking.

[thekid55]

See its funny to me you let her look through her phone. That has always been a huge boundry for me. I would find it totally unacceptable to catch my SO looking through my phone. I have nothing to hide as well, but to me it just says "I don't trust you". My most recent ex and I had this mutual understanding about not touching each others phones. I never asked who texted or called, and she would usually just volunteer the information without me even asking.

 

I used to feel the same way about my phone. I felt like, "Man, she really must not trust me if she needs to look through it". Now, when we first got back together, I had a ton of old messages (I have an iPhone) that were stored away from months ago that I forgot about. She looked through it and started quizzing me. I quickly told her that we already discussed the past, I'm here with you now, and want to keep moving forward. None of those messages matter. I have since deleted those messages.

 

Now, I only really text her, a few friends and family members when I used to text oodles of girls. She can see my phone because it's not worth fighting about and she has other issues that I've accepted and don't really wanna get into right now. Her and I have the dumbest fights ever over the stupidest crap.

[ToF]

I too would take it as a red flag that she actually looks through your phone. And so soon after your reconciliation? It sounds to me like you're taking it very lightly when it could very well be a symptom of something more significant. Early on in your reconciliation, i would assume that you'd want to nip something like this in the bud rather than let it slide. This should be like a second honeymoon period for you guys, but it sounds like she's starting to get possessive. My SO and I have (and have always had) an "open phone" policy, of sorts. He knows that he's welcome to use and look at my phone and I his,but we don't actually do it. I've done it twice, I believe, both times with him right there.

[thekid55]

I too would take it as a red flag that she actually looks through your phone. And so soon after your reconciliation? It sounds to me like you're taking it very lightly when it could very well be a symptom of something more significant. Early on in your reconciliation, i would assume that you'd want to nip something like this in the bud rather than let it slide. This should be like a second honeymoon period for you guys, but it sounds like she's starting to get possessive. My SO and I have (and have always had) an "open phone" policy, of sorts. He knows that he's welcome to use and look at my phone and I his,but we don't actually do it. I've done it twice, I believe, both times with him right there.

 

Good point. We do need to discuss the phone issue more when I see her. I'm totally fine letting her see my phone whenever she wants. We could agree to a similar open phone policy or whatever, but I'd never look at hers. It's honestly not that big of a deal to me.

 

And in terms of the honeymoon phase or whatever, it's happening. Tons of sex, lots of mushy texts, all that good stuff. I'm just enjoying everyday and going with the flow. We see each other every weekend while we work during the week.

[TheJerseyKid]

Good point. We do need to discuss the phone issue more when I see her. I'm totally fine letting her see my phone whenever she wants. We could agree to a similar open phone policy or whatever, but I'd never look at hers. It's honestly not that big of a deal to me.

 

And in terms of the honeymoon phase or whatever, it's happening. Tons of sex, lots of mushy texts, all that good stuff. I'm just enjoying everyday and going with the flow. We see each other every weekend while we work during the week.

 

Typically how it goes, lol, enjoy it man. Just keep in mind even though its been 8 months, its still really easy to fall into old habbits/routines. Just try and keep this go-around as fresh and exciting as possible, and hope shes as willing as you are to keep communication as open as you'd like, and you'll be fine.

[WeightOffChest]

Enjoy the good parts, but remember what you've learned from your healing. It's very logical to say that you won't be worried about things outside of your control because of how much you've grown, but remember that it's very easy to get caught off guard as well.

 

Say she gets a text from the ex/rebound guy and gets all excited. It would be hard to conceal the jealousy involved in that. It would be completely rational to just dismiss it and not worry about it, but remember, we're emotional creatures. I think you can get all that stuff out the way as long as communication is very open about making it work.

[Live-N-Learn]

Really happy for you Kid!!! I am rooting that everything works out.

[Silverbirch]

I'm really happy for you too Kid. Hope you won't mind me saying, but I think that because you managed so well when you were apart from your ex, that she is likely to be feeling a bit insecure right now given what you have written about her in the past. Her looking through your phone would indicate that to me.

[Live-N-Learn]

I was starting to go through my ex's phone one night and she went ballistic! That's cuz she was a deceiver and had plenty to hide. Anyways, some people think the phone is a big deal and others don't. I wouldn't care if my ex went through my phone but I better be able to go through hers as well.

[SA2000]

My exs went through my phone. They misread all types of situations. Like "Uh... Thad my cousin. You met her at Thanksgiving." "...oh." It should never get there.

[C_Unknown2005]

I've been gone for a month and your life made a 180, you know whats best... Be safe and be careful my friend, A tiger never loses it's stripes and I hope that this time around the relationship doesn't burn out.

 

 

C

[italiannmf24]

Typically how it goes, lol, enjoy it man. Just keep in mind even though its been 8 months, its still really easy to fall into old habbits/routines. Just try and keep this go-around as fresh and exciting as possible, and hope shes as willing as you are to keep communication as open as you'd like, and you'll be fine.

 

Couldn't agree more with this.

[CMS]

Best of luck kid. Keep on keeping on

[thekid55]

Just checking in here since I haven't posted in a few weeks.

 

Things are going really, really well. I start my new job next week (very excited). Things with my small business have been taking off. My relationship is going so, so well. It's honestly a completely new relationship with us and I couldn't be happier.

 

She has changed (for the better) so much that I'm still absorbing it all. She used to be very hard headed in arguments. Now, she'll listen more to what I'm saying when I'm trying to make a point and won't argue with me. Sure, everyone has disagreements once in awhile, but it's never major. She'll actually admit when she's wrong and she is so much more opened minded about everything. In turn, other private facets of our relationship have dramatically improved. I've fallen back into love with her and she is completely smitten by me.

 

We both agree that our time apart with the best thing that could have ever happened. We both needed to grow up a little on our own, date, and that whole deal to realize what we had. Sure, I had my fun, but I kept trying to force other girls to be her, which isn't fair at all. She always has been my best friend and it's the type of relationship that you just can't replace. We have some fun things planned for the summer, so I'll keep dropping back in if anyone has any questions for me.

[SA2000]

Glad to hear kid. Looks like we both pulled through around the same time. I look back now and just shake my head. Life is interesting.