how do you come to terms with singlehood?

[LAYAAN]

People told me "Stop looking, focus on your education." Alright, I pulled my profiles off the websites. I can't say I've stopped looking. I'm trying to focus on my education.

Deep in my heard there is a void. I have been trying to distract myself by keeping myself engrossed in studies and giving excuses like "Oh, I just need to focus on my education. That is more important in my life right now." The truth is other students with me got their degrees AND got married. Why not me? Why am I the only one meeting idiots, creeps, and jerks from all possible countries? I really want to be in a healthy relationship with a man. I have a simple theory in life: people who want to be in relationships, should find partners that they can be in relationships with. Now, for those who don't want to be in a deep, intimate, romantic relationship, they are probably okay that they are single.

I have a few nagging questions -

1) How in the world do you stop looking completely, totally? Is it really possible? Has anyone done it successfully? How did you do it?

2) Is it possible to ever come to peace with your singlehood? If you really desire to have a partner how do you accept your singlehood and give up trying?

3) Is it possible to be content with your singlehood and still keep looking? and don't care whichever way the date goes? (I don't think it is...)

4) Please please please tell me what to do with the yearning for a relationship in my heart. I feel like death is better than living with this pain, yearning, getting treated poorly, getting turned down several times. Why are things so difficult in human life? Even a weak male animal finds a female. And heck every female finds a taker in animal kingdom. What did I achieve by being a human...

[MinziGirl]

Yes... it is possible to be content with your singlehood but it takes a lot of practice. Being single has it's own plus points too. You save a lot of time & money for yourself only when you are single...

 

Also, when one stop looking & is contented with being single, this point alone is very attractive to the opposite sex as it is a signal that you are not a dependent person... that you are strong & able to survive on your own. That is when nice guys comes knocking at your door..

 

(Source: Personal experience )

[MissDaisy]

I know how you feel. May I recommend a book? The Path To Love, by Deepak Chopra. It might help by feeding the soul.

[thejigsup]

If you are fine on your own, it is very easy to be single and not looking. If you are more alive when you are with someone, it makes being single a bit harder. I have been both, I have become much more independent the older I have gotten. I love my bf, but if I was alone tomorrow, I would be fine. I have my career, school, my son, my pets, my friends, and my hobbies. Yeah, I would be fine. How you handle being single depends on how much else you have in your life.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you very much. I will look into getting this book.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Over the years you just shut your mind to it and focus on the good things going on in your life. It also helps when you start meeting a lot of divorced people or people in the process of going through a divorce and you find out how hellish their life is because of it...and then you think to yourself "wow, I am so glad I never got married."

[pinkelephant]

I think #3 hit the nail on the head. I don't think it's wise to completely stop looking. I think when people completely stop looking, they do it out of bitterness or simply because they're too busy with other aspects of life and I imagine they would miss out. Maybe it is a cultural thing but many asians don't have issues with being single or virgins into their adulthoods. Maybe it's because our culture doesn't have much emphasis on couple-love; instead, it emphasizes on family much more.

 

 

I would get involved with volunteering to put things in perspective and ponder about my priorities in life. I won't lie though, my boyfriend is pretty important to me... but it's a struggle trying to find the time for him which causes a lot of anxiety and pressure. Maybe you're looking at the whole relationship thing with rose-colored glasses...? It is quite a bit of work; trying to fit your schedule with each other, communicating, blah blah blah..

[penelope13]

Nobody told you that you have to give up on love and that you never should look. What we ARE saying is: for the next 2 months, focus on your studies. That is not such an awful long period, however it's a very important and necessary period to focus on your final exams. It's not a question about love versus career, it's about doing the right thing at the right time: till you have passed those exams, the right thing to do it to focus only on that.

[LAYAAN]

No, Penny, its not just about this short period of 2 months. People (including off ENA) told me "You should have just focused on your PhD the entire time. You would have been done by this time. By trying to juggle dating, relationships, disappointments along with your schooling, you disturbed focus on your education and delayed getting your degree."

When I stop looking, am I not giving up on love?

I pulled off my profiles out of bitterness and anger because nothing I did worked. I only wasted my time and emotions on wrong men. I hate myself for desiring a partner. I just want to get this yearning out of my head. I can't find comfort in being single. Everyday I'm getting up and living with this heavy burden that I'm single. I'm tired of going on dates and hoping that this will be the last time I go on a date. I can't fake a smile at a man anymore.

[penelope13]

Try to change your focus: instead of waking up every day and thinking "i'm single" try to focus on only what is ahead for this particular day. I told you that it is currently not healthy for you to be thinking about this too much. You are at a point where not finishing your PhD and your exams is not really an option anymore. Too much is riding on it. You ask how other people have managed to do the things that they did.

 

Well the answer is: everyone is different and what has worked for them might not work for you. Whatever you set out in life to do, you have to find YOUR way of getting there. You have to take into account your strength and your weaknesses. Sure, other people might not have the same obstacles/ challenges. But there is no point in getting frustrated about that. You have to work with what you have got.

 

In your particular situation, I strongly urge you to focus on your studies for now and nothing else. You have said yourself that you are not very good at dealing with the stress of both your studies and finding a husband. Since there is not much time left, you should really give the dating a rest and focus all your thoughts on exams. It's tough, it's not fun, but that's what it takes for most people to get through those final months: give up everything else for the time being. The energy boost and sense of accomplishment will give you so much, that you will have the opportunity to approach your dating life with in a new light. You might not believe me, but just take the experience from thousands of people who went through this before you.

[The_Seeker]

I agree about our Asian culture. I don't really have an issue being a single or a virgin until marriage. I guess I don't have enough time on my hands.

[dancingcolors]

I feel the same way. I don't know if you really can, or if you are just fooling yourself. At least for me, that is how I feel.

[LAYAAN]

I feel the same way. I don't know if you really can, or if you are just fooling yourself. At least for me, that is how I feel.

I'm sorry... are you replying to my post? If yes, I didn't get what you are saying.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you very much Penny. Your last reply was really very helpful.

Yes, I've taken a step by pulling off my profiles. Now, I'm trying to train my mind to stay focused and live with this void in my heart. But I appreciate what you have said, especially the last line. I will keep telling myself to hang in there and push myself until this phase is over.

[catfeeder]

People told me "Stop looking, focus on your education." Alright, I pulled my profiles off the websites. I can't say I've stopped looking. I'm trying to focus on my education.

 

Deep in my heard there is a void. I have been trying to distract myself by keeping myself engrossed in studies and giving excuses like "Oh, I just need to focus on my education. That is more important in my life right now."

 

It's not that people can't juggle studies and dating at the same time--it's that you're not looking to date, you're looking to mate. The people who are telling you to pipe down and focus on your studies see this about you, and my guess is that they're hoping to redirect your focus onto something that can hook you into a passion beyond finding a man.

 

Why? Because people who are too desperate to find a mate end up picking the wrong people to mess with. Their standards are too low because their desperation is too high. If you don't think this applies to you, ask yourself why you stuck around any guy long enough to be mistreated.

 

Nobody is mistreated who isn't insecure enough to put up with that. The goal of these 'people' who hope to sidetrack you from your man hunt is to keep you out of harm's way until you grow a stronger sense of Self and Self Purpose. That's the place from which you can safely look for a date--anything short of that spells BIG trouble. The 'void' you describe is not the right driver for finding an ideal mate--it's a driver for finding 'any' mate, and that's dangerous.

 

The truth is other students with me got their degrees AND got married. Why not me?

 

Because some of those other students are ready. The ones who aren't will not be positioned in any sort of marriage you would envy. At all.

 

Why am I the only one meeting idiots, creeps, and jerks from all possible countries?

 

Because your hunt includes the jerks, idiots and creeps rather than excludes them. Your inner screening device isn't strong enough because this 'void' you speak of trumps it. Your chosen method of curing the void is to seek someone to fill it. But a healthy man isn't interested in filling someone else's void--he wants a woman who is self-fulfilled. So by searching from your void, you open yourself up to the kind of man who would be willing to mess with that in order to satisfy his own 'dis-ease', and those would be the idiots, creeps and jerks.

 

I really want to be in a healthy relationship with a man.

 

Then you need to do whatever it takes to get healthy. If that means getting a degree and pursuing help from a counselor at your school and finding a talent or a cause or a career that you can become passionate about, then consider these all means to finding your Self instead of your void. Once you do that, your motivations for relationships will come from a completely different place. Healthy men will respond to that, and the creeps will drop off your radar.

[catfeeder]

I have a simple theory in life: people who want to be in relationships, should find partners that they can be in relationships with.

 

When healthy people want to be in relationships, they trust that when they meet the right person, they'll know it. Meanwhile, they're too busy with their own productive lives to bemoan the subject for very long--and that is why you hear of all these stories about finding someone when they weren't even looking.

 

Now, for those who don't want to be in a deep, intimate, romantic relationship, they are probably okay that they are single.

 

Yes, and often these are the people who end up in great relationships. They are already fine without one. When they meet people they do so on a human level rather than from a hunt with an agenda. One of these human connections becomes love on its own merits. Such a goal was beside the point.

 

I have a few nagging questions -

1) How in the world do you stop looking completely, totally? Is it really possible? Has anyone done it successfully? How did you do it?

 

I had too many relationships when I was younger that always ended long after they should have. I got depressed when I was in them--I knew I was with the wrong person, but I didn't know how to be alone. Before I made the mistake of marrying one of them, I decided to take myself out of that sandbox. Grow a bit. Learn how to stand on my own two feet. Absorb myself in other aspects of living. Trust that if I'm ever truly relationship material again, I'll meet someone wonderful to do that with--but until then, I'm done trying to turn wrong matches into something right.

 

2) Is it possible to ever come to peace with your singlehood? If you really desire to have a partner how do you accept your singlehood and give up trying?

 

Yes. Over time I got too busy and focused on meeting my own goals and enjoying my own rewards to notice that I wasn't carrying a void around anymore. I also realized that I could jump back on that old merry-go-round any time I wanted--the same people were still riding the thing, only their names had changed.

 

When you understand that you're not 'missing' anything, you operate from a completely different place. If you throw yourself into life for its own sake, your dream lover will either cross your path, or he won't. You can either spend that time moping around waiting for him, or you can be enjoying the hell out of your time on this planet. Moping is boring--and it makes you a bore. Your dream lover isn't interested in a mopey bore, anyway.

 

3) Is it possible to be content with your singlehood and still keep looking? and don't care whichever way the date goes? (I don't think it is...)

 

Once you're on solid enough ground with your Self, dating becomes less of a hunt and more of a respectful curiosity. You can meet people who live close by through your online profile without some big fantasy agenda and without any investment in making it count for something beyond a cup of coffee with a stranger.

 

When you're able to do that, you can have the same cup of coffee with an elderly neighbor or the town priest. You're either sincerely curious about the stories that make up the lives of other human beings, or you're not. If you're not, then you're running an agenda of your own, and someone who owns that level of curiosity of spirit and generosity toward others might not be the kind of guy who would pay you interest, either.

 

4) Please please please tell me what to do with the yearning for a relationship in my heart. I feel like death is better than living with this pain, yearning, getting treated poorly, getting turned down several times. Why are things so difficult in human life? Even a weak male animal finds a female. And heck every female finds a taker in animal kingdom. What did I achieve by being a human...

 

Who treated you poorly? What was your involvement with him, and for how long did you tangle with him, and WHY? If your sense of Self were stronger, how much of him would you have tolerated and how soon would you have simply walked away from him?

 

The pain and yearning that attracted you to such a weak male animal is the same stuff that will continue to drive you to tangle with weak male animals. And yes, they bite.

 

This is why 'people' advise you to focus on something else right now.

 

Tend to your own pain--don't expect someone else to come along and rescue you from it. Go to therapy, counseling, expose yourself to the diverse and painful challenges others face. Allow a place in your heart to be tapped and awakened for those who have nothing to offer you. This will teach you something about your purpose on this planet. Find that first. The rest will fall into place.

[BriarRose]

I do not feel this aching need you have will go away once your studies are over. First of all, it is normal to want a loving relationship. But when it becomes all-consuming and renders your internal screening inadequate, then you need to get to the root of that and possibly seek counsel.

 

We all meet jerks - every one of us. The difference is in who is able to recognize it and how soon. Your radar is off because your need is all consuming. With each "jerk" that enters and leaves your life, you feel even worse - even though it's not your fault. Once you feel stronger about yourself and who you are, this need won't consume you.

[catfeeder]

I do not feel this aching need you have will go away once your studies are over. First of all, it is normal to want a loving relationship. But when it becomes all-consuming and renders your internal screening inadequate, then you need to get to the root of that and possibly seek counsel.

 

Excellent point. There is a huge difference between keeping an open mind about having a great relationship someday versus making yourself miserable because you don't have one right now. Misery doesn't attract love. It also makes you bored and uninspired, which translates into being boring and uninspiring.

 

At what point does some great guy come along and say, "Wow! I just met this bored and uninspired girl today...how can I start a relationship with her?"

 

We all meet jerks - every one of us. The difference is in who is able to recognize it and how soon. Your radar is off because your need is all consuming. With each "jerk" that enters and leaves your life, you feel even worse - even though it's not your fault. Once you feel stronger about yourself and who you are, this need won't consume you.

 

Yep. We all meet jerks, but how many of them make an impression long enough to remember? My grandmother liked to say, "The problem isn't that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes if you've got nothing better to do than pick up a snake and play with it..."

 

While it's naive not to recognize a snake, that's information that can be learned--but it's the epitome of ego to recognize a snake but believe that it can be charmed into changing its form.

[ch91780]

I think I should take these advices also because I am feeling the exact same way as tinu. I have been single for so long (10+ years) that finding a partner is all I can think about now. The last girl I went out with gave me high hopes but it turns out she wanted only a fling before she settle down and marry someone else. That really broke my heart and now I am back to square one. When I see other people seemingly finding someone so easily (one friend broke up with his girlfriend and then 2 weeks later got himself another one) I have to ask: when is it gonna be me? Now I am trying to fill my schedule with more activities so I will have less time to think about it and hopefully improve myself as a person. I just hope that someday my turn will come.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Catfeeder. You have made some really good points.

[Philos]

I think I should take these advices also because I am feeling the exact same way as tinu. I have been single for so long (10+ years) that finding a partner is all I can think about now. The last girl I went out with gave me high hopes but it turns out she wanted only a fling before she settle down and marry someone else. That really broke my heart and now I am back to square one. When I see other people seemingly finding someone so easily (one friend broke up with his girlfriend and then 2 weeks later got himself another one) I have to ask: when is it gonna be me? Now I am trying to fill my schedule with more activities so I will have less time to think about it and hopefully improve myself as a person. I just hope that someday my turn will come.

 

Remember, things aren't always as peachy as you may think. Remember that girl that turned out only wanting a fling? What do you think your friend is doing? I doubt that relationship will really last, or is going to be a long term caring relationship. I don't think thats what you're looking for.

 

If you really wanted to, you could exhaust all options to find a partner and find one, but it wouldn't necessarily be your match, or be someone who wanted an exclusive long term relationship. I am horny and want sex, but I'm not about to go drive down Sprague ave. or visit some sex personals. I want a relationship, but I'm not going to just throw myself out there until I feel ready and until I am actually having fun living by myself. Believe me, you don't want to be the person in the relationship who is more dependent on the relationship.

 

The relationship should be icing on the cake of life. It shouldn't become the cake. Breakups happen and no relationship is permanent... people make mistakes, people break up, things happen... even if you both love each other and want to be together forever one of you can die in a car crash for example. It's a lot, lot, lot easier on you and your happiness if the relationship wasn't your entire life.

[Longblackhair]

I dont think its wise to stop looking and it wont bring Mr. or Ms. Right into your life either.

 

If you stop looking you will appear very disinterested from the opposite sex. and men will leave you alone.

 

Also you will lose that zest for life, always focusing on things like work, studying, its good to be productive but I think romance and love brings excitment into a person's life and makes them feel alive.

 

All I did was just study, study, study, the past several months and it was fine but the moment the semester was over with, and I had nothing to focus on those feelings of wanting to be with somebody, wanting to feel connected and give love and receive it all resurfaced and I became depressed.

 

The minute you get a break from work, volunteer work, hobbies, extra curriculum activities, the moment you have time by yourself when you go home all those feelings resurface.

 

All this stuff we are advised to do only temporarily focuses your mind away from it, it doesn't take away that feeling of wanting to be with somebody if finding love and being in a relationship is what you want. its all temporary. Spending time with friends is temporary too because when they find love it will remind you that you want it and desire it too. And friends really are flaky from my experience, they really dont stick by you the way you expect them to. the minute they get into a committed relationship and get married, they pretty much do not have ANY time for you and you hear from them faaaar less. all of their focus is on their so/spouse/kids. that's why I do feel it is important for me to find a good man who will always be there for me and start my own family because friends are not dependable.

[randomgirl59]

The relationship should be icing on the cake of life. It shouldn't become the cake. Breakups happen and no relationship is permanent... people make mistakes, people break up, things happen... even if you both love each other and want to be together forever one of you can die in a car crash for example. It's a lot, lot, lot easier on you and your happiness if the relationship wasn't your entire life.

 

Well said.

 

OP,

 

I dont know how I deal with it, I just do. I'm so used to rejection and being invisible to men anyway. I used to dwell on it, get so depressed that I didn't have a boyfriend but it did me no good. Now I just try to focus on meeting my career goals and travelling. At the moment, I think those are more important. On the other hand, I get that nagging voice telling me that I'm getting old (still in my mid twenties) I feel like I missed the boat. Like so many other men on here who go through the same thing. Women can get screwed over just as bad. If you lack conventional good looks and are shy and introverted, men will ignore you. I'm working on fixing that and still hope to meet someone, but I think focusing on my career so I can support myself better is first priory.

 

To answer your questions more specifically:

 

1) How in the world do you stop looking completely, totally? Is it really possible? Has anyone done it successfully? How did you do it?

I'm kinda doing it. I'm not on any dating websites and I dont go out often. When I do its just with friends, and they aren't the type to try to set you up with anyone.

 

2) Is it possible to ever come to peace with your singlehood? If you really desire to have a partner how do you accept your singlehood and give up trying?

I dont know to be honest. I'm more at peace with it now then I was in college.

 

3) Is it possible to be content with your singlehood and still keep looking? and don't care whichever way the date goes? (I don't think it is...)

I think so. I like being single for the following: freedom to do what I want, when I want. More time to work on my goals/career. More me time in general. Not having to worry about disagreements, etc. That being said, I still hope to find someone and still keep my eyes open.

 

4) Please please please tell me what to do with the yearning for a relationship in my heart. I feel like death is better than living with this pain, yearning, getting treated poorly, getting turned down several times. Why are things so difficult in human life? Even a weak male animal finds a female. And heck every female finds a taker in animal kingdom. What did I achieve by being a human...

 

I hear you. This is a prime example why it annoys me so much when guys say its easy street just because you're a woman. It really isn't. Not if you aren't gorgeous and outgoing. Even if you are. If you've been hit with the curse, then that's it. But that's not to say to give up hope, you never should. Some people find an SO later in life. The fact that its not happening now can be an indication that the time isn't right. I too wonder though how come its so easy for other people, and just regular guys and gals, no better than us...why can they find someone and we can't? TBH, if you are the type of person who wants to connect and love/be loved by someone, then the yearning will never go away. However, it will get less upsetting as time moves on. You just learn to accept it. If you have a fulfilling life already, that makes it even easier.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I have been single/not looking most of my life. I mean I wouldn't have mind having someone, but I didn't go actively look for it....How did I come to terms with it? I didn't, specially since I was the oddball amongst my friends. Right now, I don't mind being single, as long as I can have some male company.

[MissDaisy]

Hey.. I understand honestly. I have finished my PhD a few years ago. I am 42 (you are 32!) and I am single. In fact my latest love just broke up with me a month ago.... If you are yearning and preoccupied, try reading the "Path To Love" (i said it above already... but honestly... its good for the soul).