how do you come to terms with singlehood?

[penelope13]

Once you have your PhD and pharma exams, you can plunge yourself whole heartedly into finding a husband, if that is what you want. However, until then, please, please focus on your exams. Your options in life will drastically change if you do not finish your degree: your visa will be in jeopardy, your options of finding a job will be extremely difficult while the economy is still bad (for an H1B you have to prove that you have skills that can't be delivered by an american with equivalent education). Having tried for a degree and not having obtained it is always more challenging on the job market than not having tried for that particular degree at all.

[LightbulbSun]

I think you just have to accept it. There is no other way.

[somethngwrng]

As a 26 year old guy who has spent his whole life single, I'd say it's possible to be content single. The times I feel worst are when I'm actively persuing a girl - it never works out in my favour and leaves me with negative feelings. I have gone for years without caring less about the fact I am single, and I have spent time antagonising about how I'm going to end up single for the rest of my life.

 

The trick I found to being content single, is just occupying your time with what you love, and spending time with friends. For me, I've always been an avid gamer. It helped me to just accept that they may be my only love in life. I spend a lot of my free time doing just that, while also keeping healthy social relationships alive ("too much of anything is a bad thing").

[BriarRose]

I would rather be lonely than be in pain. I know that with the right person it won't hurt, but it always seems to end in pain. I feel more at peace when I am single (even though I get lonely).

[LAYAAN]

Once you have your PhD and pharma exams, you can plunge yourself whole heartedly into finding a husband, if that is what you want. However, until then, please, please focus on your exams. Your options in life will drastically change if you do not finish your degree: your visa will be in jeopardy, your options of finding a job will be extremely difficult while the economy is still bad (for an H1B you have to prove that you have skills that can't be delivered by an american with equivalent education). Having tried for a degree and not having obtained it is always more challenging on the job market than not having tried for that particular degree at all.

Penny, I appreciate how consistently you try to help me. I feel ashamed to admit that the message is not sticking into my head.

[mirrorman]

 

. . . But a healthy man isn't interested in filling someone else's void-- . . .

 

 

Um, that's not entirely true...

 

Sorry, catfeeder. I couldn't resist! Seriously, I've met people in real life who've rather vividly illustrated the points which you've raised here. I once got fixed up with someone who turned out to be extremely needy. Sweet person but I saw the red flags fairly early on. Someone that unbalanced (rather a strong word but the only one I can think of) is usually full of surprises of the kind you'd rather not experience. I felt for this person but I knew better than to wade in a quicksand pit. I that hope she can turn herself around and find herself a decent partner (she was abused by her ex).

 

And friends really are flaky from my experience, they really dont stick by you the way you expect them to. the minute they get into a committed relationship and get married, they pretty much do not have ANY time for you and you hear from them faaaar less. all of their focus is on their so/spouse/kids.

 

Yeah, that's the usual way things go, isn't it? If that somehow stopped being the case, if people didn't just cocoon themselves with their spouses and forsake their friends, being single would suck a lot less than it often does. Friends who do stick by you no matter what are rare and precious.

[LAYAAN]

Hey.. I understand honestly. I have finished my PhD a few years ago. I am 42 (you are 32!) and I am single. In fact my latest love just broke up with me a month ago.... If you are yearning and preoccupied, try reading the "Path To Love" (i said it above already... but honestly... its good for the soul).

Thank you so much for replying to my post. I really appreciate the support, especially because you have walked in my shoes before. Honestly, PhD is a difficult journey and during this time you really want some love and companionship.

[LAYAAN]

Exactly!!! You got it right! I've observed this SO MUCH in my short stay here. Your friends have no time for you, once they find a partner, or get married, or worse have kids. People build their own nest and simply move on. THAT IS THE REASON I want to get married. THAT IS THE REASON I AM WILLING TO SETTLE, while I CAN settle. After a while even settling won't be possible. That is the truth. I've seen my relatives who were very picky initially, they couldn't find a man later. Its not about kids, its about you having a companion for your life. I'm not saying to settle with a wife-beater, but settle for a decent guy if you are not able to get a hot looking man, or a wall-street guy, etc. That's all I'm saying.

[LAYAAN]

Um, that's not entirely true...

Sorry, catfeeder. I couldn't resist! Seriously, I've met people in real life who've rather vividly illustrated the points which you've raised here. I once got fixed up with someone who turned out to be extremely needy. Sweet person but I saw the red flags fairly early on. Someone that unbalanced (rather a strong word but the only one I can think of) is usually full of surprises of the kind you'd rather not experience. I felt for this person but I knew better than to wade in a quicksand pit. I that hope she can turn herself around and find herself a decent partner (she was abused by her ex).

You are right, but then quality is again an issue. Some people like to feel needed. I will give examples

1) My close friend, comes from a conservative culture, talked to a guy on phone for 2 months, got married. The guy, when they were "getting to know each other", used to call her every 2 hours. She liked that attention. She said "He has fallen in love with me." She was thrilled that she was wanted, that she was desired. A man can fool a woman by saying all the right things.

2) Another girl in my school, EXTREMELY needy. I find her annoying, but who cares? She found a taker. She dated a guy for 10 months and got married to him at the end of the 10th month. She changed her religion for him. She went to Las Vegas to get married to him 2 days before her scheduled exam. What does that say to you about someone? That they are hell bent on getting married, that they won't 3 days to get married. He liked all the attention and the sex, because he wasn't getting it from elsewhere.

3) I was in a quasi relationship for 3 years. The guy used to say "If you don't marry me, I'll kill myself." What do you say to that? I wasn't flattered at all. I got very very worried for my life with him and for him as well. He got sooo lonely when we had a huge argument, that he simply got on a plane to India, selected a girl and married her.

 

So, I guess, if you give enough attention to an insecure person, they will be flattered and marry you, I guess. Again, the health of married life is really questionable though. So, yes, there is a taker for every person. The question is how low can you go without feeling like you are selling yourself short... and that is a tricky question. It has no right or wrong answer.

The friend in 1st example said to me "Hey, I'm not like you, I want kids. I'm already 33. I've been divorced once. Its hard for me to get married. I WANT KIDS. I've to settle now or else I'll never have healthy biological kids." I am trying to understand that logic. I can't. A part of my brain is missing. My simple Q to that is - sure, you want to have kids. Nothing wrong with that desire. Where is this desire taking you? Towards self-destruction? Is a good foundation of healthy married life not more important than having biological kids with someone? So, you will marry anyone because you desire to have biological kids? Is it more important than getting together with a compatible partner? Just because you want kids, you will mate with anyone and get pregnant?

Again... no right or wrong answers. We all think and reason differently. The good/bad (depending on how you think) thing is that, no matter where you are in life, you will always find a taker. Quality is not guaranteed. But again, quality is a relative term.

[MissDaisy]

Thank you so much for replying to my post. I really appreciate the support, especially because you have walked in my shoes before. Honestly, PhD is a difficult journey and during this time you really want some love and companionship.

 

Yes.. the PhD is a difficult journey... and here is the good thing about finishing it: you will have opportunities to travel and to see things that other people normally do not get to see in a lifetime. Also, since I have traveled so much... and I have lived in foreign countries (all due to my PhD) I have learned to push myself always to meet new people and keep an open mind with respect to new types of friends. There are friends who are on the path to being married (and thus cocooned with their partners and children) but you might be amazed - with an open mind - how many really interesting and kind-hearted people are around. For instance, I met a couple when I was traveling in Thailand. They had no children.. but we had some interesting conversations together over dinner. I have friends who are much younger than me... as well as older friends, who have grown children.. and thus are free to meet up with me for dinners and travel weekends to interesting cities. These things can make a difference. You will not stop the yearning for a loving partner...... but your life - with a really good education and great job, can be full, if you work on it!

[LAYAAN]

Thank you MissDaisy for the encouraging message!

[Longblackhair]

When people talk about settling, most normal people dont mean settling for someone who is an abuser, alcoholic, drug user, etc. I think they mean settling for someone that they are not crazy and madly in love with. Just settling for someone who is a good companion, okay in bed and that they at least care about.

 

Because I really dont think everyone will have the fortunate chance to marry someone that they are madly in love/perfect match in the prime of their life.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, Longblackhair.... but even then settling is difficult.... to continue seeing someone that you don't necessarily care about.

[penelope13]

I find relationships already challenging when you love the other person and are loved back. I can't imagine having the energy to compromise, finding solutions to life challenges, dealing with their quirks (and believe me they are not so cute anymore after some time) if I wouldn't love my partner. Being single is so much better than being in a bad/loveless relationship. It wasn't until my mid thirties till I decided that I have found someone with whom I want to build a life, who is worth compromising for. Was it hard to be single and dealing with life, a phd by myself? Certainly, but I only had to deal with myself, my own miseries and issues, I was free to decide what was in MY best interest, I could move wherever I wanted to be, follow my own time schedule. I had the opportunity to truly discover myself and be myself.

 

I had the opportunity to settle down in my early twenties, but I decided that it was too early for me, although I really liked the person in question. Looking back I am really happy that I chose that path. Of course there were times were I was lonely and wanted a partner to come home to, but my life would have been so totally different. Now that I have had all these experiences - both good and bad, I feel ready to enter into a serious relationship, I know what I need to be happy and how to be happy/fulfilled.

 

It's quite funny that my partner is someone from my past, who I met when I was a teenager. We already were attracted to each other at the time, but we both agree that if we had started to have a relationship back then, we would have miserably failed at it, because we both had no real clue about life, what it takes to make a long term relationship work, and we had no idea what/ who we wanted to be, we both had our individual issues which we would have had no idea how to deal with while in a relationship and we both had goals that would not have been easy/ near impossible to both fulfill at the same time. Now that we coincidentally met again with more than a decade of no contact in between, we could recognize why we were initially attracted to each other, but we also appreciate our respective more mature/ grown up versions of ourselves. Professionally we do very different things and it will be very hard for both of us to pursue our careers with the same vigor in the same city. However since we both had the opportunity to life our individual dreams already, we are confident that whoever will move doesn't have to look back at this decision with regret.

[catfeeder]

 

(Regarding '. . . But a healthy man isn't interested in filling someone else's void-- . . .)

 

Um, that's not entirely true...

 

Sorry, catfeeder. I couldn't resist! Seriously, I've met people in real life who've rather vividly illustrated the points which you've raised here. I once got fixed up with someone who turned out to be extremely needy. Sweet person but I saw the red flags fairly early on. Someone that unbalanced (rather a strong word but the only one I can think of) is usually full of surprises of the kind you'd rather not experience. I felt for this person but I knew better than to wade in a quicksand pit. I that hope she can turn herself around and find herself a decent partner (she was abused by her ex).

 

I hope so, too. The key word in the sentence you quoted was "healthy".

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Penny for sharing your story. Its encouraging and I understand where you are coming from. I had a choice to settle for that UK guy too. I never did. I never regretted my decision for a second... no matter how painful singlehood is at times.

I want to tell you something... what you have written in 1st paragraph... my mom said the exact same to me... word to word... just in a different language. Strange... how 2 women, one twice the age of the other and raised in totally different culture think alike.

[dr_styles]

I agree about our Asian culture. I don't really have an issue being a single or a virgin until marriage. I guess I don't have enough time on my hands.

 

In my families and relatives case my observation is that they are naive enough to think it will just magically happen, you know the whole "just work hard and you will be rewarded" type stuff. I have a few friends/relatives who are older and not married, never seen them with anyone, younger ones never having dated (they are hardly young btw) and they still look as convinced as ever it's ok and it'll just happen. I used to be like that, and I shudder to think how I'd be now if I didn't have my epiphany and took action.

[mirrorman]

Exactly!!! You got it right! I've observed this SO MUCH in my short stay here. Your friends have no time for you, once they find a partner, or get married, or worse have kids. People build their own nest and simply move on. THAT IS THE REASON I want to get married. THAT IS THE REASON I AM WILLING TO SETTLE, while I CAN settle. (snippage)

 

Hold everything. Time out.

 

It's one thing to compromise, to bend your standards (e.g., he isn't the hottest looking guy or the most successful but he loves you and treats you with the utmost respect). It's quite another to flush your standards down the toidy and settle for someone who's completely wrong for you in a lot of ways. Settling just opens you up for maximum frustration and heartache. I've seen relationships/marriages where the couple always fights, where they haven't had sex for years and so on. Don't let that happen to you. You deserve better.

 

If your friends, married or not, don't have any time for you without a damn good reason, then maybe they aren't really friends. If you live in a part of the country where single people get treated like dirt or are forced to live like monks, face it, you're going to have to re-locate to a friendlier kind of place.

[LAYAAN]

Well, As encouraging and uplifting as your reply is, it doesn't change the reality. I agree that you can bend your standards, but don't entirely forget about standards and marry whoever. I get that. Relocating is not always possible. Trust me. If I can't find a job in that new place, there is no point in relocating.

[newwave]

I have to agree that you need to concentrate on your studies. I get how you feel, especially from your culture, but trust me the sacrifices you make now will make you a better partner. From reading your posts you have a lot to offer but seem like you are desperate to marry NOW and I get that. This is something I've been thinking of myself because I need to fix my job situation before I would make a better partner. Perhaps this is a sign that right now isn't your time but will be. 32 is very young now and I know people who married for the first time even into their 40's (and they married never married people too).

 

Btw, I believe in settling, only to a point. Too many people settle just to not be alone then find out they really are alone or end up divorced anyway. I'd rather be single and not settle than settle and be single anyway, except now with a divorce or kids.

[Philos]

Posting in this thread over a month later.... it's interesting.

 

I've been healing a lot from my breakup and, well, my life being completely jumbled from getting fired and moving back in with my parents and school and everything.. I'm starting to move on and heal, starting to focus on other things than my ex which is great. My life is finally beginning to take some sort of routine that isn't completely awful, and I'm starting to find some joy again.

 

It is still tough to face the fact of being single, considering that my ex was my first love and that I have self esteem, confidence, and anxiety issues about dating and romance that went away with her. They're back now, and we're exploring these a lot in therapy. I'm trying not to think about any of it (it's all exasperated by the fact that my ex moved right on within a couple weeks) which helps lol.

 

My life seems destined for a lot of work now... I'm taking 21 credits now... 20 the next 2 quarters to finish my certification for Legal Secretarial work and my AA degree.... By June I'll have graduated and be working full time and I'll start going to the nearby university. I anticipate it could take 3 years of working full time and going to school part time because of the time/work/scheduling issues to finish my BA. Then I might just quit and go for my MA at the same university, that'd take 2 years... so by the time I finish the MA, on this plan that probably will change in some way, I might be 30!

 

It seems tough for me to think about dating, because it's tough for me to find anyone to date honestly, and thinking about it in the future just brings anxiety. I'll definitely be vigilant in looking for a partner once I get to the university this next fall - I want to try to find someone I can connect with and date through the rest of college and through my MA and then marry. I think I'll be satisfied being myself - and having plenty to do by the time I'm working full time and going to school. If I can be somewhat happy right now still healing, dealing with the issues of guilt and being broke and going into debt and a hundred other freaking things, then I'm sure I'll be happy paying my parents back, working, and going to school among having money lol.

 

I just have to concentrate on whats important for my life regardless of a relationship - finishing school for a career and working to support myself and pay my parents back. I have skills now to try to find dates and skills to be a good partner in a relationship should one develop, and I have some faith that I can probably find someone within the next 6 years!

 

I've also decided that I want to have kids someday, hopefully I can meet a girl and we can be perfect for each other and everything will work out and by the time I finish my MA we can marry and have some brats. The only thing I can bank on is that I'll be alone lol. That's what I have to focus on being better right now.

[LightbulbSun]

I think you come to realize that you can live your life without girls.

[xxNPxx]

I think you come to realize that you can live your life without girls.

 

You also can live your life without a home. I could do both but definitely don't want to. You only live once bro!