"It happens when you least expect it"

[newwave]

trust me, i totally understand the attraction/pull towards someone who is clearly not right for you - i've had hopeless crushes myself. but i still think you'd be better off if you can admit that he is not right for you, and focus your energies on dating someone who is more suited for you. i know i've said that before, and i know you've said you are focusing on finding work and other things in your life for a few more months. but i think that the longer you 'hold onto' this guy, the worse off you'll be. he just doesn't sound like good husband material, no matter how you slice it.

 

looking back on my 20s, i wish i had spent less time pining over hopeless men, and more time getting to know men actually looking for relationships.

 

I wish I could, but I really feel he's right. I don't know why I feel this way, I just do. Maybe because years ago he was the right one and I let him slip through. I'll have my answer though whether he gets back to me or not. If he doesn't respond then I know the truth. Then I'll start looking for a guy. I know my family is looking for someone. I just don't want to get serious until my job issue clears up and I know for a fact he's gone forever. I'm considering online dating in the fall because there are many never married no kid guys there when I lurk on various sites.

[annie24]

i really think that online dating is a great way to go. so many people i know are getting married that way. in my town, every single person has an online profile! i think it's a great way for you to find a never married, no kids man. especially in a big metropolis like chicago, i am sure there will be at least 1000 people who fit that category for you.

 

i recommend eHarmony and link removed. i'm not a fan of the free sites. you get what you pay for, IMHO. also, have you considered a matchmaker? once i move and get settled, i think i might give that a try.

[newwave]

I'm lucky because I live near a major city so I'm sure I can find someone better once I look. I used to have a membership to Match, but didn't have luck. Never tried eHarmony though. I don't like the free sites either. I know someone who found a match through a matchmaker so that might be an idea. I'm also checking into singles groups and my family are asking around (they know a lot of people).

[easyguy]

I met my past (and first) two girlfriends when I was least expecting it. I think of attraction more and more as a paradox. The times when I have been most attractive to women is when I have thought about "attraction" the least. Being happy, confident, self-validated, ability to have and hold genuine conversations with random people, and most importantly, being myself. Looking good, whatever that means to you, also helps. Not like being overly concerned with looks, but just presenting yourself in a way that makes you feel good about who you are.

[Hermes]

I realize that many divorced people are that way through no fault of their own

Good of you to say so, NewW.

 

Galaxy says:

 

Some people hold differing views on divorce

.

 

What is wrong with holding differing views? Nothing. People are entitled to their opinion, but NOT to judge as some sort of inferior being (morally or otherwise) people who are divorced.

 

As I have said in earlier posts, people make mistakes, all the time. That is part of humanity. Stand up and wave your hand the person who NEVER made a mistake.

 

As Batya rightly says:

 

Why is it "lowering" your standards - it's the lowering comment that implies that you think someone who is divorced isn't good enough for you as opposed to being incompatible with you.

 

Amazing (and pathetic somehow) how there are people who think they are better (morally superior) to the rest of us ordinary mortals.

 

H.

[Hermes]

I notice that religious, traditional people get mocked and jeered because they refuse to blindly follow what society tells them.

 

Galaxy:

 

Get your facts right.

 

I am neither traditional nor religious, but I can assure you that never in my life have I blindly (or eyes open) followed what society tells me (whatever that is supposed to mean. And I am sure that goes for many people.

 

H

[Shallow]

Just because one "lowers their standards" doesn't mean they feel those who meet those new standards are inferior to them, it just means they think they can do better (realistically or otherwise), but are settling. There's nothing wrong with settling. Most of us have to do so or wind up alone.

[newwave]

Just because one "lowers their standards" doesn't mean they feel those who meet those new standards are inferior to them, it just means they think they can do better (realistically or otherwise), but are settling. There's nothing wrong with settling. Most of us have to do so or wind up alone.

 

Very true. I have lowered my standards on many issues, such as money, age, many other things. This issue happens to be something I can't budge on. Could I possibly budge on a divorced guy? Probably not but depends on the situation. Could I budge on a divorced dad with kids? Absolutely not. I do not think I am better or worse than a divorced father, I just don't want that situation.

[annie24]

I notice that religious, traditional people get mocked and jeered because they refuse to blindly follow what society tells them.

 

but someone can argue that someone who is religious and/or traditional is just blindly following what their religion or what those traditions tells them.

 

newwave - just go put up the link removed ad looking for a never married, no kids man in chicago and i'm sure that you will find tons of guys like that. or, if you join eHarmony, just make sure to mark those two boxes as ones that you are unwilling to budge on. last time i did eharmony, it did asks what you are looking for and how flexible that option is. for example, i prefer to date non-smokers but won't necessarily say no to a man who smokes, but if the chemistry is right. but to be sure, i would rather date a non-smoker.

[newwave]

but someone can argue that someone who is religious and/or traditional is just blindly following what their religion or what those traditions tells them.

 

newwave - just go put up the link removed ad looking for a never married, no kids man in chicago and i'm sure that you will find tons of guys like that. or, if you join eHarmony, just make sure to mark those two boxes as ones that you are unwilling to budge on. last time i did eharmony, it did asks what you are looking for and how flexible that option is. for example, i prefer to date non-smokers but won't necessarily say no to a man who smokes, but if the chemistry is right. but to be sure, i would rather date a non-smoker.

 

I'm going to do that this fall because I am using the summer to find a guy on my own or hoping the one I want comes back. But in the fall if both plans fall through (and they might) I am doing the online dating again. I too am a non smoker, prefer a non smoker but can budge on that (as long as he doesn't smoke near me, I have minor bronchitis at times).

[sigmond freud]

well i am 39...single...male...although there will be no children in my future..for i am fixed...and I might just show up at your door..because I am a mailman.. ...but i totally get what you are saying..

[Batya33]

I'm going to do that this fall because I am using the summer to find a guy on my own or hoping the one I want comes back. But in the fall if both plans fall through (and they might) I am doing the online dating again. I too am a non smoker, prefer a non smoker but can budge on that (as long as he doesn't smoke near me, I have minor bronchitis at times).

 

What actions are you going to do as part of your "hope" that the man who hasn't called you in over a month will come back? I ask because it sounds like it amounts to an excuse to put active looking on hold while you passively wait. Wouldn't it be better, given your eagerness to find someone to marry, to relegate him to a place off your radar or at most a blip on the radar and not let any of this "hope" impede productive actions on your part?

[newwave]

What actions are you going to do as part of your "hope" that the man who hasn't called you in over a month will come back? I ask because it sounds like it amounts to an excuse to put active looking on hold while you passively wait. Wouldn't it be better, given your eagerness to find someone to marry, to relegate him to a place off your radar or at most a blip on the radar and not let any of this "hope" impede productive actions on your part?

 

I emailed him and told him how I feel. I figure if I don't hear now that means it's over forever. Right now I don't have money to join an online dating serivce since I am unemployed. I am going to join various singles groups though.

[Hermes]

Oh lordy,NewW. Why on earth did you do this?!

 

I emailed him and told him how I feel

 

Somewhere else here today we were talking about that word "dignity".

 

Don't do these things to yourself.

 

H

[newwave]

Oh lordy,NewW. Why on earth did you do this?!

 

 

 

Somewhere else here today we were talking about that word "dignity".

 

Don't do these things to yourself.

 

H

 

Because I was missing him. I basically told him I couldn't figure out why he did this. If nothing else it'll give me closure (he hasn't contacted me btw so he may not).

[annie24]

well, i think it is good that you said this. now you'll have your answer, one way or another. hopefully that will give you the closure to either move on and forget him, or it will rekindle something.

[newwave]

well, i think it is good that you said this. now you'll have your answer, one way or another. hopefully that will give you the closure to either move on and forget him, or it will rekindle something.

 

Yes. I'm hoping it makes him realize he can't treat me the way he is. If he doesn't contact me (so far he hasn't) then it tells me he doesn't value me even as a friend, which is sad.

[MD Geist]

That's the problem - you define it as "lowering your standards" which gets back to your judgment that single, divorced fathers are somehow morally inferior.

 

I set people up all the time. I have a very hard time setting up women who are in their 40s with single men who are in their 40s or 40 because most of them want kids and are wary of getting involved where they'd have to fast track getting pregnant.

 

 

Thats not a problem. Its a preference.

[newwave]

Thats not a problem. Its a preference.

 

Yep. When a 40 something guys says he doesn't want to date a 40something woman because of "pregnancy issues" what he's really saying is "I'd rather see if I can get a hot 20something". Women all know this and it's an excuse to date (or attempt) to date younger women. Sort of like the excuse that men think they can date hot women because "women judge on personality" or "there are more single women than men". All lies, by the way. I don't know any hot 20something woman (and having been a model, I definitely have fallen into the hot category and still do mostly) who would date an ugly guy unless he has money or extremely great personality (and this one is rare with this age group).

[bruinsy81]

Yep. When a 40 something guys says he doesn't want to date a 40something woman because of "pregnancy issues" what he's really saying is "I'd rather see if I can get a hot 20something". Women all know this and it's an excuse to date (or attempt) to date younger women. Sort of like the excuse that men think they can date hot women because "women judge on personality" or "there are more single women than men". All lies, by the way. I don't know any hot 20something woman (and having been a model, I definitely have fallen into the hot category and still do mostly) who would date an ugly guy unless he has money or extremely great personality (and this one is rare with this age group).

Maybe they wouldn't date an ugly guy but they will date an average looking guy.Where I work all of the attractive women who happen to be married/attached are all with what I consider average looking guys.Meanwhile probably the best looking guy at work [in my opnion] seems like he is always alone.He is pretty socially anxious though and very shy.

[newwave]

Maybe they wouldn't date an ugly guy but they will date an average looking guy.Where I work all of the attractive women who happen to be married/attached are all with what I consider average looking guys.Meanwhile probably the best looking guy at work [in my opnion] seems like he is always alone.He is pretty socially anxious though and very shy.

 

But are they hot 20somethings? That's my main point. Sure, hot women will date average guys, but I just can't see a hot 20something dating a 40something unless he's hot or has money (and probably both). Yet this myth is often mentioned on various dating sites and guys think this is so. I've seen the ugliest guys on dating sites (and forums, though not here) mention they don't date women their age or average women because "they can do better". The fact is an average looking woman has a better chance of dating a hot guy than the opposite, especially when it comes to people who meet at bars. I just read a study where it says a 40 year old woman has a better chance of marrying than a 40 year old man.

[Batya33]

Yep. When a 40 something guys says he doesn't want to date a 40something woman because of "pregnancy issues" what he's really saying is "I'd rather see if I can get a hot 20something". Women all know this and it's an excuse to date (or attempt) to date younger women. Sort of like the excuse that men think they can date hot women because "women judge on personality" or "there are more single women than men". All lies, by the way. I don't know any hot 20something woman (and having been a model, I definitely have fallen into the hot category and still do mostly) who would date an ugly guy unless he has money or extremely great personality (and this one is rare with this age group).

 

No actually, they probably want to date someone who is under 35 so they can date a few years before getting married and be married for a few years before trying for a baby. Fast tracking (like we did) isn't easy on the relationship and has its downsides.

[newwave]

No actually, they probably want to date someone who is under 35 so they can date a few years before getting married and be married for a few years before trying for a baby. Fast tracking (like we did) isn't easy on the relationship and has its downsides.

 

I have a hard time believing that. Good luck with these ugly guys who are 40 and think they can get a hot 20something. They will be alone because women see through them.

[Shallow]

No actually, they probably want to date someone who is under 35 so they can date a few years before getting married and be married for a few years before trying for a baby. Fast tracking (like we did) isn't easy on the relationship and has its downsides.

 

That's what I'd be shooting for. Unfortunately, it seems like a lot of women online (which is probably my best shot at meeting anyone, since I never meet anyone available anywhere else) in that age group pretty much draw the line at 39 or so. I can pass for 35 in person, but obviously can't online.

[Batya33]

I have a hard time believing that. Good luck with these ugly guys who are 40 and think they can get a hot 20something. They will be alone because women see through them.

 

You can have a hard time - that's cool. I know it's true from direct experience. As far as "ugly" that is in the eye of the beholder (and I disagree that a 40 year old who is wary of dating a 40 year old woman because of the biological clock problem really means he wants a 20 something).

 

I agree that a person who goes after another person just because of his/her age/looks probably will have a hard time having a healthy relationship.

 

You seem to have a lot of hostility towards men.