"It happens when you least expect it"

[newwave]

This is one of the biggest lies we are told. That love will find us. In reality it happens to SOME people but not to all. If that was the case, why would many people try online dating and singles groups? I really think that after a certain age (probably mid 20's) you actively have to look for someone. Even if this means taking a walk and doing something outside so be it.

 

Why bring this up? The other day I told a relative I am tired of waiting for the guy I like to come back. He may eventually come back and want what I want (marriage and a family) but he may never come back, or come back strictly as friends. I told her I am getting involved in several activities this summer (playing sports, going to the beach) along with actively looking for a partner (singles groups). I then said if this doesn't work I will try online dating again. Her response was I was trying too hard and let love come to me. I've backed off trying hard at all in the past and guess what? Love never did find me. Or when it did the relationship ended. I am 39 and know that if I want children of my own I only have a few more years where this is possible so I actively have to look. Otherwise I might miss my window. My goal is to find someone by the end of the summer and by next summer be engaged. Not sure if that's possible but we'll see.

 

Agree or disagree?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I bet if you complained to her about not meeting anyone and you had not told her all your plans, she would have said "you are not trying hard enough, you have to get yourself out there and do things, etc etc". Bottom line is that if you haven't had success finding someone they will always criticize what you are doing wrong...trying too hard, not trying hard enough!

[Nomadic Intent]

I agree, but also to a smaller extent.

 

I believe you have to initiate the necessary actions in order to meeting someone.

 

For example, if one likes to stay home and be anti social, 'love' will never find them.

 

We're told constantly to go out and enjoy our own company, pursue our dreams and not think so hard about finding that person.

 

I meet a lot of people in my line of work. And i do what i love. I admit though, when i've been actively seeking via work and did find 'potentials', they never did work out after a couple of dates, if i even got that.

 

Whereas others i've met on a whim during work, without me even thinking about meeting someone, those have developed further. Some into friendships; some into love, though the last one didn't work out.

 

I think that when one is 'actively pursuing', the body displays all kinds of signs and signals, and probably sends the wrong message. Whereas if one's just enjoying themselves and not thinking about it, it comes to them.

 

Its the law of attraction i guess.

[Clarity]

It's a BS line, but one that gets perpetuated for a few reasons:

 

1) No one wants to admit they were actively looking, so there's revisionist history at play

 

2) Everyone only has a few friends who genuinely want to hear about your relationship (or lack thereof) problems, so this is an easy way of getting someone to kindly "shut up" about it.

 

3) There's a difference between actively looking and appearing desperate - some people can't make that distinction.

 

Personally, I've learned (the hard way) to not really talk about my relationship happenings or troubles. There are very few people who actually care.

[jmantra]

I feel you on this, it almost seems like one of those things people say to make people feel better about a crappy situation.

 

The sad fact is life is not fair, and sometimes it's all about luck and being in the right place at the right time.

 

Sorry I am in pessimistic mood right now.,

[dangletsbang]

I don't agree at all. When I was 'looking' for a relationship, I didn't find anything..when I finally gave up and stopped focusing on being single..and focused more on my work and social life..is when my boyfriend was introduced into my life when I least expected it. Nearly 2 years later, he's still here. Looking back..it was such a huge waste of my time and energy when I was looking for someone to be with. It's easier said than done, I know..but take a deep breath and live your life.

[Sonicxman]

Newwave, I hate to see that your putting your life on a timeline like that. I think the chances of your hopes getting crushed or meeting the wrong guy increases. Your right, some people never do find that one person they click with. Would you rather hurry to get married and rush to get divorced. I am walking casuality of that battle. I have hope for you, good luck.

[25thfloor]

I do believe, if you're in the right place at the right time, love may find you. But what i learned a couple of years ago...was I was done....finished looking for a partner. that maybe i was meant to be alone. and after i accepted that, i really started living. It's different if you want children...totally different...but I didn't. i just wanted to be happy. and i am. with or without my new love (1 year together, 2 years of him trying to get my attention)....i very much agree with dangletsbang.

[Mauxly]

Newwave, I'm right there with you. At 39 with fertility issues I am coming to terms with the fact that I may never have a family. Even with the infertility issues, I still hold out hope though and would be thrilled to find someone who would be willing to jump through hoops with me to have kids (ok...er..kid).

 

However, this brings up another even larger hurdle. I've heard so many men talk about how they don't want to date women between the ages of 35-45 because they don't think we are thinking with our hearts/minds, they see us as giant ticking biological clocks out to marry and get knocked up by anyone willing.

 

And I suspect they have a good argument there. I look back on my dating decisions over the past few years and want to laugh/cry...I can clearly see signs of desperation that I'd never had before. Thank GOD I did not get pregnant or married to these men. We’d already be in divorce court and I’d be a single mother in what would all likelihood be a drama relationship with a barely employed baby daddy.

 

I am a giant ticking biological clock.

 

This is truly scary. I’m close to writing off dating all together until I can get this under control.

 

How do you feel about this?

[annie24]

NW - i think it is good that you are 'getting out there' and joining activities or events where you can meet Mr. Right. If you didn't, what, is Mr. Right going to come knocking on your door? Well, maybe if he's the pizza delivery guy!!!

[Batya33]

I think that's an exxageration of what is true - that people who act desperate have trouble finding a mate - but if you state the reverse as in "don't look because love will find you" well, that's not true.

 

And it's not that you should look for "love" to find you - that's passive. You should be a person who is open to accepting loving actions from another person who is a good match for you.

 

I also think the "least expect it' stories are the most romantic while the "I met my spouse through the Internet/at a singles group/set-up by a friend" go under the radar more often.

 

If I wanted to spin my story as "least expect it' I sure could because it never, ever occurred to me when I made a plan to meet my ex for a casual catch-up dinner that there would be major sparks, that it would be mutual, and that we would fall in love again, and get married and have a baby. And, further to the "least expect it" camp - when I went to that dinner I was wearing nothing special (because we planned it at the last minute), and I was totally relaxed because I'd just had a really bad date followed by e-mail harassment the day before and I was so happy not to have a date and not to have to talk about my dating life (because that would have been tacky with an ex). So, who knows, maybe my nonchalant, carefree attitude made me more open to feeling the spark and the magic.

 

But the rest of the story - not a least expect it - he actively pursued me but not actively enough for me, because I found excuses to e-mail him when I didn't hear from him (because at that point we were still just friends, so I figured I could send him friendly/newsy e-mails to get on his radar without seeming needy) and when he asked to get together I said yes and pulled out all the stops - cute outfit, homemade cookies, etc.

 

OP - it's probably better if you limit your sharing of your single status in the context of "if you know anyone who might be a good match for me, I'm looking" - and politely thank people for their "input' without getting defensive and without getting into the laundry list of all you are doing to meet someone.

[rosephase]

I don't have any issues with the idea of getting out there and looking for someone. Although I think planning on meeting someone this summer and having a ring by next summer is asking for trouble. If you don't find anyone you'll end up beating yourself up for failing to meet this goal or worse settling for someone that isn't right because you want so badly to be in a relationship (any relationship).

 

Looking, being active, putter yourself out there are all good things but making up goals when it comes to relationships and other people feels... well like the person doesn't matter at all. It's just finding someone, anyone, to fill the slot of father and husband and I personally don't think that is a healthy way to start a relationship.

[Nixee]

It's a BS line, but one that gets perpetuated for a few reasons:

 

1) No one wants to admit they were actively looking, so there's revisionist history at play

 

2) Everyone only has a few friends who genuinely want to hear about your relationship (or lack thereof) problems, so this is an easy way of getting someone to kindly "shut up" about it.

 

3) There's a difference between actively looking and appearing desperate - some people can't make that distinction.

 

Personally, I've learned (the hard way) to not really talk about my relationship happenings or troubles. There are very few people who actually care.

 

Completely agree with Clarity.

 

I can see why people say it, even though a line like this can never be proven true or false. The reality is that SOME people find love when they aren't "actively seeking" and SOME people find love when they ARE really putting themselves out there - singles scenes, online dating, activities groups, whatever.

 

I don't think the line has to have just a negative view though - it is all interpretation.... here is mine:

 

If, to use an example, you were looking very actively... "expecting" even.. to find love using a dating service, or maybe online dating - you have to understand that the bar naturally goes higher with those expectations. You pay for the better services, they get your hopes up.. you make contact with more people... Therefore the likelihood of disappointment is much higher if it doesn't happen. After all.... sure... the future Mr. or Ms. Right may be in the mix... but they may not. You may go out on many dates, yet never make a perfect connection.

In other words - "it happens when you least expect it" (in my opinion) only really means that all you can really do is keep your expectations low but hope for the best. It does NOT mean that you need to stop looking in order for the perfect person to waltz into your life and "surprise" you.

[newwave]

Newwave, I hate to see that your putting your life on a timeline like that. I think the chances of your hopes getting crushed or meeting the wrong guy increases. Your right, some people never do find that one person they click with. Would you rather hurry to get married and rush to get divorced. I am walking casuality of that battle. I have hope for you, good luck.

 

The problem is, the biological clock. I think if that wasn't as issue I wouldn't care but I am tired of wasting years with the wrong guys. I know people who married right away and lasted and others who waited years then got divorced.

 

 

Newwave, I'm right there with you. At 39 with fertility issues I am coming to terms with the fact that I may never have a family. Even with the infertility issues, I still hold out hope though and would be thrilled to find someone who would be willing to jump through hoops with me to have kids (ok...er..kid).

 

However, this brings up another even larger hurdle. I've heard so many men talk about how they don't want to date women between the ages of 35-45 because they don't think we are thinking with our hearts/minds, they see us as giant ticking biological clocks out to marry and get knocked up by anyone willing.

 

And I suspect they have a good argument there. I look back on my dating decisions over the past few years and want to laugh/cry...I can clearly see signs of desperation that I'd never had before. Thank GOD I did not get pregnant or married to these men. We’d already be in divorce court and I’d be a single mother in what would all likelihood be a drama relationship with a barely employed baby daddy.

 

I am a giant ticking biological clock.

 

This is truly scary. I’m close to writing off dating all together until I can get this under control.

 

How do you feel about this?

 

That's what I fear to be honest. I am not in "desperate" mode yet because I do have a few years, but it's still scary. Plus many men can (and do) look for younger women, which scares me. I certainly wouldn't bring up the issue of children or marriage within a few months of dating but eventually I need to know where he stands. I couldn't just have a child just to have a child, I'd have to like the guy and he'd have to want a family (I hate women who trap men).

[newwave]

Btw, I don't act desperate at all. I am not clingy or even expect a relationship to go farther in most cases. It's just that I do want a family and it's something that is less and less likely to find every year that goes by.

 

I'd be curious of the ages of those who say their SO found them unexpectedly. Back in my 20's I always found guys. Now, not very easy to find single men.

[Hermes]

"It happens when you least expect it"

 

I have to agree with this, NewWave.

 

Naturally, if you remain 24 hours inside the four walls of your home then it is unlikely you will meet someone. But we are not talking about that.

 

I think there is an element of serendipity.

 

H.

[DreamerGirl27]

I agree with you OP. "It'll happen when you're not looking..." Yeah...right. Tell that to the fat, bald guy with a beer gut, sitting at home watching the TV all day. Love most certainly aint gonna find that (him)! You have to get involved in a lot of stuff to meet people. That's the best advice you can give to anyone who is single who doesn't want to be anymore. The more opportunities you have to meet people, the higher the chance of finding someone.

[Nixee]

I have to agree with this, NewWave.

 

Naturally, if you remain 24 hours inside the four walls of your home then it is unlikely you will meet someone. But we are not talking about that.

 

I think there is an element of serendipity.

 

H.

 

serendipity... good word.

 

 

And yes... good distinction. Being isolated in a cave cut off from other humans.... won't work. Making little to no effort.... not likely.

 

I met my current b/f online actually... and he made contact with me right about the same time I'd completely lost interest in online dating and was set on deactivating my account. So I guess that was serendipitous.... something made me respond to him. .... But... after all... I WAS online dating. I had put a profile up in the first place. I wasn't just sitting around. So to say it was just outta the blue when I "least expected it" is still not entirely accurate. Its just a right frame of mind.

[Hermes]

I've just remembered the number of couples I know who met at friends' weddings! Here at least weddings are a great event at which to meet men/women.

 

H

[newwave]

I agree with you OP. "It'll happen when you're not looking..." Yeah...right. Tell that to the fat, bald guy with a beer gut, sitting at home watching the TV all day. Love most certainly aint gonna find that (him)! You have to get involved in a lot of stuff to meet people. That's the best advice you can give to anyone who is single who doesn't want to be anymore. The more opportunities you have to meet people, the higher the chance of finding someone.

 

Yes, and sometimes even if one gets out in the world they still often don't meet someone. I workout at a gym, I go to the library, right now I am unemployed but once worked at a large company and took walks during the day, and shopped. I was constanly doing things and still never met the right guy doing these things. Sure, I met people, but not boyfriends. Even in college and graduate school I didn't meet guys for long term relationships (dated a couple of college classmates but not long). Part of the problem I have is where I live is mostly retired people and right now I can't afford to move. Once I work again I'll move closer to the city (and near singles). This is why in my case I will attend a singles group in a nearby town. Might be a waste but might be worth it. I've also asked people I know to keep their eyes open about anyone who might be a match.

[coolchick64]

I'm gonna go against the tide and agree with your relative. Every major relationship I've had with a man, including my most recent (met when I was 43), has come right out of the blue. (And man, did I love that guy!) I do think you need to go out, look good, and socialize, but I don't know about actively looking. I've had friends who were really proactive about it, but I'm not sure it improved their results. What it definitely did was whip them up, and that's no good.

 

There are some things you just can't control! I just broke up and I wish I could run out and fall in love again tomorrow, but I know it's probably gonna be years before I feel that way again . . . if I'm even that lucky! I agree with the other posters about your timeline. I hear you about the biological clock. I went through pretty hardcore fertility treatments to have my kids, all in my late 30s, and believe me, I heard that clock. H*ll, I'm hearing it now. How many more years will I have my looks? What if I end up old and alone? There's always something.

 

But here's the thing. You really don't want to marry the wrong person just so you can have kids. Having kids puts a lot of pressure on a relationship. If it's not strong and you add kids, it's gonna get unpleasant fast. Also, this is your mate for life (we hope!). That's a big deal---more important than kids, IMO. I didn't pick the right person when I married. We were great friends, but I didn't love him---not in a romantic, passionate way---and once we had our kids, I was not happy looking forward to a life without love. I'm just saying, there's a lot to life. Kids are part of it and it's great to be pregnant and all that, but there's so much more to think about.

 

Last of all, I'm sure you're a strong independent woman and not clingy. However, men can smell time pressure a mile away. Best to just relax and let life happen. Nudge it here and there, but don't try too hard. You'll miss out on a lot.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Every relationship I've gotten into to came out of nowhere. I'd look and look and there would be nothing about. Then when I was completely content with being by myself and quite liking being alone...bam...I'm in a relationship.

[BriarRose]

I agree with the saying. Everyone I know who is in a serious relationship or married met by "accident" - through work, friends or in one true case, she tripped over him. Literally. Stumbled and tripped.

 

I do not know a single person who met their spouse on-line. Sure, I hear about this person knew that person, etc. - but I personally don't know of anyone.

 

Maybe because when you truly aren't looking, you appear less desperate and more at peace with your life.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Every relationship I've gotten into to came out of nowhere. I'd look and look and there would be nothing about. Then when I was completely content with being by myself and quite liking being alone...bam...I'm in a relationship.

 

That has yet to happen to me. Yes, the people I fell for were when I hadn't actually gone out to look...however those people didn't treat me right so I don't really count them. There are plenty of people who meet someone by serendipity or by really going out and looking...but it is not enough to meet someone...it has to be a quality person who will treat you right.

[Cognitive_Canine]

That has yet to happen to me. Yes, the people I fell for were when I hadn't actually gone out to look...however those people didn't treat me right so I don't really count them. There are plenty of people who meet someone by serendipity or by really going out and looking...but it is not enough to meet someone...it has to be a quality person who will treat you right.

 

I suppose different things work for different people. Just something about me not trying makes my vibes or behaviours a lot more desirable than when I do try. I have no idea what the difference is between me trying and not but, whatever it is, it is something that works for me.

 

And, all of these guys were quality guys, by the way. I had some great relationships that came out of the blue. The one I am in now I had no intentions of getting into anything serious at the time.