Long distance relationships...

[BeFree]

Well this is my first post on this site, but I've been reading the different threads and everyone seems to give such good advice so I though I'd give my question a go...

 

My question is, how do you guys feel about long-distance relationships?

 

I started talking to this guy about 6 months ago and over that time we have both developed very strong feelings for each other. I think that if we lived closer we would be dating/considered boyfriend & girlfriend. The thing is, we live 5,000 miles apart. And when I think of that distance, it's like damn, should I even bother? But I really do like this guy (I might even venture out and say love). One other note...he is a little bit (okay a fair amount) older than me, 6 years.

 

An opinions, past experiences, advice, etc. would be so great! Thanks in advance!

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm in a 4,000 mile relationship. I'm in the States, he's in England.

 

Does the distance suck? Yes, it does. Sometimes it feels like 12,000 miles, especially if we have a disagreement or one of us has a bad day.

 

It comes down to how much you WANT it. We have discussed one of us moving to the others country and have set dates all through the year to see each other and we talk literally every day by e-mail and when our schedules allow, on the phone. Communication is the #1 important thing in that kind of LDR.

 

What does the age have to do with anything? CS is 4 years older then I am.

 

You can agree to date and all that but there has to be point where you ask one or another, "Would you be okay with moving here or me moving there to be with you?"

[BeFree]

I totally agree that communication is key. We've talk almost everyday since we met 6 months ago, whether it's through MSN, Skype, E-mail or on the phone and I strongly believe that had we not talked to frequently that the relationship would have gone no where. We talk sometimes, about meeting, or one of us going to the other. It's hard right now while he's saving up money and working long hours, and I'm getting ready to go to college soon, but we both agree that for the relationship to progress at all, we definitely have to meet - not question about that. You're so right that it's hard especially when we've gotten into an argument or had bad days. I think what's keep us going strong is how open and honest we are with each other. It's so weird, I find myself telling him things I haven't told many (or any) of my friends. I think this is one of the reasons I want our relationship to move forward. But anyways it gets tough sometimes, especially with the time difference (he's 7 hours ahead of me!) but we've toughed it out and been great so far.

 

Thanks so much for your advice and insight. It makes me feel a whole lot better to know there is someone else out there who's experiencing what I'm going through and knows how I feel.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yeah, you def. have to meet. One of the reasons CS and I went and a head and went into a relationship before meeting is we already had plans to meet and it just felt right. Granted he is doing all the coming over here because of my job and what not, but the meetings are spaced out so it isn't so long that we have to go without seeing each other.

 

Yeah the time difference is something. He's 5 hours a head of me and it works out most days. By the time I (normally) go to bed he's getting up and by the time I wake up he's out of work. And while I'm at work we talk via email. It takes its toll though just as anything in a LDR can.

 

No problem.

[ibu]

Same here. I also have 5.000 miles and seven hours between myself and the guy I'm interested in. We've been communicating for over a year already. I wasn't looking for any romance at all. We started writing e-mails about a common hobby and I considered him, for the first half a year or so at least, as a fun penpal. But somewhere along the line I started to develop feelings for him, even though we haven't met yet. But we are planning to...it's not easy because of several reasons, but I hope to visit him by the end of the year.

We e-mail, text, phone, send each other loads of little videos of ourselves...but it isn't enough, you know. I want to hug him! Well, that and a whole lot more, LMAO! *cough*

And though we've both expressed "interest", so to speak, we both know that meeting face to face is key before we "start" anything.

Good luck! I hope you'll be able to meet each other soon.

[BeFree]

Thanks so much ibu! Again, it's great to know there are others out there that know what I'm going through! And I know exactly what you're talking about, when I first started talking to this guy I was like "He's lives soooo far away, but he'd be awesome to have as a friend." But then as we talked I realized there was potential for more. And I know what you mean when you say you want to hug him. It sucks sometimes, doesn't it, when you've had a crappy day and you just want a hug from your guy but he can't? Ahhh the difficulties of long distance relationships...

[civilservant]

I hear what you're saying about not starting anything, and I suppose OG and I could meet and there be nothing there. However, and this is the point, I would rather make the commitment and not involve myself with anyone else until things between OG and I play out, for better or worse.

[quirky]

It may be different if the relationship starts as an LDR rather than becoming one. From my experience I wouldn't do it again. I was with my ex for 3 years, the last year was LDR..it was just awfull, so many difficulties that could have possibly been resolved with a cuddle. I'd experience so many things that I couldn't share with him, venues I'd go to, clothes I'd buy..even the sun shining would make me sad because he wasn't by my side. As I said the relationship becoming LDR felt like a downgrade, might be different if it's like that from the beginning. I would only consider it at the moment with a british guy because I'll be most likely moving back there anyway. Overall though..not for me.

[civilservant]

What is it with us Brits and LDRs?

[ItRainsItPours]

I'm going to offer my advice but you might not like it. you said you're about to go to college? I could be wrong but I'm assuming youre around 18. if not the rest of my advice doesn't apply but..

 

I personally dont think it's a good idea. if you're about to go to college you should go into that experience as a normal 18 year old. I dont think it'd be good to limit what you can do when your SO is that far away. enjoy being young while you're young and find a boyfriend whom you can actually spend time with.

 

also I don't think 6 years is a big age difference but it definitely is at 18 when you're still maturing. once you hit early 20s age becomes less of an issue but at 18 you're still coming into the adult you wish to be. IMHO a 24 year old man is just too old for you. and if you've never met him before let me tell you that that isn't a safe for you to meet him. you might think you know him but if you've never met him in real life how could you be sure anything he says is true?

 

I know you didn't want to hear anything I just said and you don't have to follow my advice. but that is what I would tell one of my nieces if they were your age and in a similar situation. all the best

[OptomisticGirl]

I hear what you're saying about not starting anything, and I suppose OG and I could meet and there be nothing there. However, and this is the point, I would rather make the commitment and not involve myself with anyone else until things between OG and I play out, for better or worse.

 

Of course I agree because I'm in a relationship with him.

 

But he does make a good point. When you are in that much of a distance relationship you both have to want it to work, otherwise it's just going to falter. And in that you have to be prepared for there to be NOTHING there once you meet.

[Rose21]

My distance isn't that bad, and I think I would just call it a PART-TIME LDR.

 

We were together for 6 months straight before the distance started, college happened was the reason. He goes to school in the same state as me, but it's 5.5 hrs away.

 

I originally told myself I'd NEVER do LDRS, but I was madly in love with him and had never met a guy like him or felt that way. We've been doing the distance for 1.5 years and have been going out just over 2 years now and are doing AWESOME.

 

We only do distance during the school semester though, and only a few months of it. On the months we do, we see eachother like one weekend every 2-3 weeks. That's really not a big deal.

 

He comes home for all the holidays.

 

Here is what a normal year looks like for us: (would you consider this a bad LDR?)

 

Dec-Jan-(He's here for a month for X-mas, I get to see him every day of that time)

 

-He leaves mid Jan, comes back end of Jan.

 

-Feb, 2-3 weeks after he leaves, he comes down for V-tines day weekend.

 

March-2-3 weeks after that is Spring Break, also our anniversery. He is here for 1.5 weeks.

 

April-2-3 weeks after that he is here for Easter weekend. 4 days.

 

May-Aug- 4 months. 4 MONTHS of summer to see him everyday and night=)

 

Sept-2-3 weeks after that he's here.

 

October-2-3 weeks after he's here.

 

Novemeber- 2-3 weeks after he's here for a week for Thanksgiving.

 

 

He comes down every month, and I go down once a semester. So usualy either end of Jan for Spring, or Sept/Oct for Fall.

 

I was planning on transfering to his school, but I decided against it due to it being so much more money etc and me not liking the town.

 

I feel like I don't need to be around him 24/7. Both of us are nearly 21, we have lives too and focus on our studies.

 

We have a great relationship though, and this is the best, and longest I've been in. Also my only true love.

 

After college we plan on getting a place together, and after living together for a little while, getting engaged, than marriage!=)

 

I know lots of LDR couples that have made it work, lots of Army too (now thats hard) a lot of my friends that are in LDRS laugh at mine, and say it isn't a true one. Whatever that means?

 

You are young, but if you have actually hung out with this guy and love him than I'd say go for it. If you haven't actually met him, I wouldn't.

 

I didn't want distance, and i'd be thrilled to change it, but if it meant giving up my relationship with him I'd never do it, even if it meant us doing this forever. But I know it won't be forever, maybe just a year tops of distance left, thats not including the breaks etc. Just a full year.

 

That's because I fell in love with him in PERSON that I did it.

 

If I had just been "talking" to someone via internet/phone or whatever, I'd NEVER do distance. what's the point? You don't really KNOW that person. Not really worth it if you ask me, especially when you could be meeting someone in your area.

 

Now if you had already hung out with him and fallen in love, than that'd be a whole different story.

[Rose21]

Also, given your circumstances in that you've never even met the guy, I wouldn't do it.

 

You've just been "talking" to him. You really have no idea what kind of person he is until you are able to witness yourself. He could sound all sweet on the phone and could be a serial killer for all you know!

 

When would you ever see him?

 

And what if when you did see him, say it's 6 months, you don't like what you see? You've just wasted 6 months of your life.

 

Honestly, unless you were able to spend some time with him before doing distance to give you time to judge his character/personality and actually fall in love with him, I wouldn't do it.

 

Just enjoy your youth.

 

LDRs are when circumstances cant be helped and people are willing to do them because they love their SO so much. Your's CAN be helped. You don't know this guy, therefore nothing to miss if you dismiss.

[Rotxsen]

LDR I did it once it lasted a whole year what I got out of it nothing it was just false hope maybe because I'm at your age also but people at later ages that have a better financial standing and can travel it be better but for now it's just too early.

[greywolf]

You really just have to do what's good for you. My guy and I started out with an agreement that it was just for fun and there would be no commitment involved, and that we would both eventually meet someone else, but while we were single it was ok to enjoy what we had with each other. But the dynamics of our relationship have changed many times since then.

[Unknown1607307972]

What is it with us Brits and LDRs?

 

I'm British too and I am in a LDR although this one isn't so bad. My boyfriend is in Denmark, so we only have one hour time difference. We've always been long distance and we're coping with it fine even if we miss eachother like crazy! We met online which gets some mixed reviews, but we've met eachother in person many times now.

 

Also, given your circumstances in that you've never even met the guy, I wouldn't do it.

 

You've just been "talking" to him. You really have no idea what kind of person he is until you are able to witness yourself. He could sound all sweet on the phone and could be a serial killer for all you know!

 

When would you ever see him?

 

And what if when you did see him, say it's 6 months, you don't like what you see? You've just wasted 6 months of your life.

 

Honestly, unless you were able to spend some time with him before doing distance to give you time to judge his character/personality and actually fall in love with him, I wouldn't do it.

 

Just enjoy your youth.

 

LDRs are when circumstances cant be helped and people are willing to do them because they love their SO so much. Your's CAN be helped. You don't know this guy, therefore nothing to miss if you dismiss.

 

Don't be so negative though, while it may not work out...it also could.

 

It worked out for me. We talked for around six months before he flew to England. When we met in person everything went very naturlly and we talked just like we'd been doing each day over skype. He was and still is exactly the same guy I'd known all this time online. We're definitely happy together and moving in together next year.