Oh man, he called me!

[adviseseeker]

Well for those of you who read my story at some point, it's kind of long and a whole bunch of things happened. I'll try to sum it up:

 

- 2 year relationship, lived together 1.5, he's 25 I'm 23. We had a great relationship, never argued we just got along so well and had a great time. We talked about future plans and everything seemed great

- He broke up with me mid October 2009 after previously talking about wanting a break. He was afraid of commitment, wanted to get some freedom, was stressed about money, wanted to see what else is out there, get his life together - probably many reasons which he didn't explain at the time he just left.

- I was in shock...he changed his fb status to single that night so I packed up his stuff and made him get it the next day

- shortly after he said he was 'confused' and wasn't sure if he wanted to break up or not, he said he needed some space

- I didn't handle it very well, the first month I pushed and pushed, not so much begging but generally bugging him to see me and explain things. We saw each other a few times and he was very sweet, but he continually avoided me and I made things worse with contact.

- In November we had a short-lived reconciliation initiated by me by confronting him, obviously didn't pan out too well and lasted a few days. I was hurt and felt used because he was mean and wanted more space

- I barely talked to him in December and not even Christmas, just wished him a good break

- In January we met up it was nice, then went sour shortly after with him being rude/immature. So I dropped off the last of his things and went NC

- he was shaken by this and eventually wanted to get back together near the end of January saying he wanted to take things slow. He thanked me for giving him space

- We would see each other once a week with hardly any contact in b/w, I expressed wanting to talk about things and I also hinted that I didn't want there to be too much of a physical aspect. Then just before valentine's day he disappeared

- 2 weeks later he wanted to hang out, we did and it was nice. Then he dropped off the face of the earth again. I sent him one text a week later and got nothing back

- I've been in NC for 5 weeks now (since that text) and total of 6 weeks since we've seen each other.

 

Okay so I've been trying to do the 8 week challenge, I figured if he didn't contact me by then I could just move on with my life. I've been doing pretty good lately, getting on with my life and seeing friends. I've been feeling better but there are some nights where I just think about him. The past few nights I've cried a little bit before bed but I figured I was doing okay. I've been trying to stay away from this site because lately it seems like so many people are reconciling and I'm so jealous! Last night I thought about joining a dating site but this morning I realized that I'm just not ready at all and I'll wait a little while before I get out there again.

 

Anyway, he just called me. I didn't answer, my heart was pounding the whole time and I was so confused. I had changed his name on my phone to being 'That A**clown' haha. I had to put 'That' first so it didn't show up at the top of my list. I figured if he ever sent me a text then I would read that and feel better, instead of just a number showing up.

 

What is strange is that he just called me...he has not phoned me for a very long time. Even the last time we hung out over a month ago he texted me to see if I wanted to hang out. We didn't even talk on the phone, and haven't really talked on the phone for a while. I'm surprised that he didn't text first of all.

 

He also left me a voice mail! It was cute actually...made me smile. He was fumbling and didn't know what to say, he said that we haven't talked in a while and he had been thinking of me the last couple of days. He said he's done school now, wanted to see what I was up to and asked if I could call him back. It's weird but it's also 1 pm on a Tuesday afternoon, but I guess he's done school and might not have any work today.

 

So now I'm at a loss...it's been just about 6 months since we've broke up. I have been trying so hard to get over him but I just can't, I still love him so much and I miss him I don't know what to do, he hurt me pretty bad. He said he loved me and wanted to take it slow, and then he just disappeared. Last night I was thinking about all of his faults and couldn't deny that I thought all of them were cute.

 

I have also thought really hard about whether I would try again, one side of me thinks that taking him back again would be disrespectful to myself. Out of principal I would feel stupid to open myself up again just to get hurt after. Then another part of me is still in love with him and knows it would work if he tried, we didn't really have any problems before and if he realized after being away for a while what he's lost he would appreciate me more and we could be really happy. A few things would have to change, but I'm willing to put in the work if he is because I think we could have a great life together.

 

So I at least know that he would have to try pretty hard to win me back, I guess I just don't know what he really wants right now or what I should do! Do I call him back tomorrow? Sigh...I guess I'm looking for some input.

 

extra info:

- Not sure but I don't think he's had a rebound, he could have possibly dated or even slept with other women but he probably hasn't been in any kind of relationship since the break up (a short 1-2 month one is a possibility though)

- He has been on a dating site but has changed his profile many times, now it doesn't even seem like a serious profile it's just there...

[4ever2gether]

gosh...this has got to be hard....I would give him a call but make yourself hard to get back if thats what you want. know what i mean? don't just give in. I hope its not like he is just calling you because he doesn't have anyone else to talk to or hang out with you know what i mean?

[squirl]

- 2 weeks later he wanted to hang out, we did and it was nice. Then he dropped off the face of the earth again. I sent him one text a week later and got nothing back

- I've been in NC for 5 weeks now (since that text) and total of 6 weeks since we've seen each other.

 

 

He said he's done school now, wanted to see what I was up to and asked if I could call him back. It's weird but it's also 1 pm on a Tuesday afternoon, but I guess he's done school and might not have any work today.

 

Do I call him back tomorrow? Sigh...I guess I'm looking for some input.

 

 

Hey Adviseseeker,

 

Congrats on 5 weeks NC.

 

You got loads of advice during the last go round with your ex. Looking at the time frames and patterns, what do you think is working for you and not working for you?

 

Are you fine with the way things are progressing? Are you looking for a steady date, a relationship, or just to hang out as buddies every now and then?

[adviseseeker]

Yeah...it's pretty confusing! The last time we saw each other I wondered if he only wanted to hang out to see that I was okay and not for anything else. But he also gave me so many signals that he was still interested - he constantly stared into my eyes lovingly, he gave me a foot massage out of the blue, we sat by the water and he brushed the hair out of my face, he constantly smiled at me. At the end he gave me a kiss on the cheek and said he'd see me soon - then just disappeared. I thought wow... I mean I was a bit guarded and of course I have reasons to be. He understands that I don't trust him. So I wonder if it's because he doesn't feel ready, I don't think when you're trying to show a girl that you only think of her as a friend that you would do all those things. I have no idea what goes through his head though, but I know he's not the kind of guy to do those things to get into my pants - he has more respect for me than that and he knows me.

[adviseseeker]

Hey Adviseseeker,

 

Congrats on 5 weeks NC.

 

You got loads of advice during the last go round with your ex. Looking at the time frames and patterns, what do you think is working for you and not working for you?

 

Are you fine with the way things are progressing? Are you looking for a steady date, a relationship, or just to hang out as buddies every now and then?

 

Thanks! Well, looking at the time frames and patterns I really don't know :S I guess I need an objective opinion. Obviously what has been working for me has been no initiating contact, I've been doing that for quite some time now with the exception of a text here or there. I stopped being so emotional and became a bit indifferent. I took him off the pedestal.

 

I guess after all this time in no contact I can see that I will be able to move on if need be. I'm fine with it being that way I'm still so young, of course I would prefer a relationship with him though. Even after all this time has past I still love him! It's hard to get over someone when it ends the way it did for me (actually, he never really ended it). I don't want to casually date though, I only want to get back together with him if he's willing to give our relationship a serious shot for a future. I think at first though it would take a few dates before getting to that point - I can't expect him to be begging at my door wanting another shot. But how can I know that he's looking to the future or just doing whatever he feels like at the time because he's lonely?

[adviseseeker]

I'm also wondering, is it appropriate to ask for his intentions up front? I know that in my situation every time I've been a little forward he takes it as being rude/mean and he doesn't like that. But every time I've shown him I won't put up with his antics (by going NC, dropping his stuff on his doorstep, moving physically away) he tries to get my attention. Maybe I've answered my own question here - being strong and silent is what he responds well too.

[tattoobunnie]

Let him sweat for a bit...then call him up.

[HeartGoesOn]

After reading your past threads, I would let this one go, and keep on moving forward. Every time you let him back in, he leaves, so why put yourself through that again?

[adviseseeker]

After reading your past threads, I would let this one go, and keep on moving forward. Every time you let him back in, he leaves, so why put yourself through that again?

 

That's true, I feel that way sometimes. At the same time though, I kept letting him back in too soon and didn't make him work for it at all. That time all he had to do was say he missed me and tear up a bit - he didn't even say anything about getting back together I brought it up! Way too easy, he probably lost respect for me and lost interest. Maybe if I stand my ground a bit more he'll come around for real, but I can't bank on it...I wish I had other options in front of me right now but I don't. I'll try this time to be stronger, but there's only so much I can take before I give up - I don't give out second chances like candy after all.

 

Then there's the possibility that this means nothing...I may wait a day or two and then return the call, it might be one of those times where they call but don't really have any intention on trying to fix things and it's just a call, maybe for an ego boost or something.

 

I think I need some time to think this through, I'm going to go out and study outside and try to clear my head a bit. Anyone have any other opinions? I'm open to hearing it all.

[coolchick64]

Exciting news AS! So very interesting . . . . Yes, I'd call him back. Be receptive and friendly but not at all anxious or eager. Play it cool. No talk about the relationship. Don't ask about his intentions. Show him you're doing just fine. Be upbeat and nonchalant. And see what he has to say . . .

[lavenderdove]

My experience with people who just disappear like this without a word usually means that there is more to the story than they are telling you.

 

Usually it revolves around one of these three things:

 

1. They are still fond of you/attracted to you, so they may in weak moments when lonely or horny want to see you... then the next day, when they 'sober up' they realize they don't really want to go back into a relationship and are embarassed that they've told you otherwise so they just disappear rather than confront that.

 

2. They have another person (or multiple people) they are also seeing or want to see, but they also want to see you (some) but not limit their other options. So whenever they get a chance to hook up with that other person, they'll drop you from sight for a while. And if that fancy fizzles, they're back to you again.

 

3. They are still attached to you as a friend, and maybe even as a backup plan, but they don't really want a full on relationship with you. So they keep you on the hook for times when they need a familiar friend or are lonely or don't have anyone else to date at the moment, and reel you back in for a while. When they are feeling confident/satisfied, off they go again.

 

But the bottom line is he has reeled you in and pushed you away several times, and you've been waiting there to take him back. So he knows he can get away with treating you badly and you still are waiting for him. You really shouldn't put up with this behavior at all, and he needs to know you've got your own life and are not willing to do this yo-yo behavior with him forever.

 

Frankly, if he has reeled you in and pushed you away several times, it is probably more of the same. He doesn't want a full on relationship, but he's not ready to walk away yet either. But don't miss that he IS willing to treat you really badly in order to keep his options open. Are you sure you even want to be with someone who behaves like this and does these disappearing acts? That is really weak and selfish of him, and he obviously doesn't care if he's hurting you or he wouldn't do it.

[Ms Darcy]

^^I think Lavendar said it best. I think you should have a two-rejection rule. Two strikes and he's out.

[HeartGoesOn]

^ ^ ^

And I'll third that.

[Chris Knows]

I say bump that. I wouldn't even bother returning the call.

 

If he wants to talk, Let him chase you for a while and see how it feels.

 

He has a tendency of getting you back and then just falling off the face of the earth.

 

Who is to say that he will change this time around?

[adviseseeker]

Thanks everyone, I had some time to think about things and clear my head but I'm still pretty confused. I think lavenderdove spelled out a lot of the concerns I have already.

 

I think the way I have to look at it is this, he may just do the same thing again but I just get stronger as time goes by and if he does it again it will have less of an effect on me than it did before. I have been doing pretty good lately, a lot of good things have come out of this break up that I wouldn't have expected. It's strange but sometimes things do need to change. I have gained so much more self confidence than I had before and I have discovered that I have so many options - if this doesn't work out with him I know I will find a person that will make me happy someday.

 

Love is a risk and you might get hurt, but if you don't put yourself out there you won't see any results... Sometimes we need to learn to let go and forgive the things in the past too. (I've realized that I've been hanging onto a lot of pain/abandonment/rejection from previous men and it was reflected on how I dealt with him leaving me)

 

At the same time, giving a person who clearly has shown a lack of respect for me and my feelings (more than once) another chance is foolish. What to do then? Seeing as I still love and care about him immensely (too much for my own good) and have yet to discover anyone exceptionally better I think I will leave the door open...

 

Obviously I need to be way more cautious though. I'm also not completely sure that I want to let him back into my life just yet - I have been working on myself quite a bit and I also need to focus on my courses. I'm still confused about my feelings for him, but I can never know if I don't spend a bit of time with him again and see if the spark is still there.

 

I sort of came up with a plan of maybe returning his call tomorrow, and telling him that this week I'll be pretty busy with exams but if he'd still like to do something next week I'll be free on a certain day and he can call me then. How does that sound?

 

Sigh...I do think a lot about the things he has said and done that were positive as well. He told me that he'll always love me and and never stopped, he told me how much it was hurting him to be hurting me, he told me that everything scared him and that he was afraid of things moving forward, he apologized etc. I know I shouldn't be focusing on these things because he's also been very selfish, I wish I could open up his eyes to see the bigger picture. He did many things to hurt me but I'm glad it never came down to game playing or name calling, no yelling or throwing things. He was pretty immature and disrespectful on many occasions though.

 

He said in his message that he had been pretty busy with school lately, and I guess it's over now. I'm so proud of him for finishing, I think the stress of him enrolling in this diploma program had a play in our breakup (I don't think he fully understood the stress that I have endured over 5 years with mine but he was obviously not used to it also I think the fact that he was not making money anymore and on a very strict budget with me paying for most things didn't help either. I was also doing late shifts at work during the four months before the breakup and we hardly saw each other. Either way, I think there were so many factors at play that I understand his need to have some time away.

 

I wonder if he's grown up and willing to step up to the plate and be with me already...

 

Thoughts?

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are spending all this time trying to negotiate a relationship again when you just received one voice message. For you to say that you are not as invested means that you are lying to yourself.

 

Love is a risk just like driving down the street is a risk. But you wear seat belts, take driver's tests, get car checks because you don't simply take risks without thinking through the consequences.

 

So, on a side note that may or may not be helpful to you ... I think you had somewhat of a shot with him when he broke up with you the first time if you had just ended contact with him. Only letting him back in if he wanted to commit would give you the answer and closure you need(ed). But I think he's learned that he can do all the things Lavendar mentioned above with you.

[HeartGoesOn]

Not to sound harsh, but you're only fooling yourself. I can see that you're going to take him back again, only to have him "bail" on you, and you'll end up on here again, asking "why."

 

Why not put a higher price tag on yourself? You deserve much more than this.

[adviseseeker]

A point I'd like to make is that these past weeks I started making the strides to *really* let go in my heart. I deleted old text messages I was hanging on to, I stopped going on this website, I stopped waiting for him and started thinking about all the things I was going to do on my own in the near future. I made plans, I fantasized about meeting someone new, considered putting myself on a dating website to meet new people and figured I would once my exams are over. I stopped being invested in my heart and mind.

 

Last night I thought about him a bit, went over his faults and thought about how they were cute to me but I also thought about how much I deserved to be treated better. Laying there I actually started to believe that he was coming back and I sort of smiled just knowing it was going to happen soon...then I went to sleep. Funny how he calls the next day too!

 

I'm not just spending this time negotiating a relationship again because of the one message, I just figured this whole time I've been going over my feelings for him that posting it while being in NC was kind of useless. I guess what I'm trying to do is figure out how I feel now and think about the consequences as you said. I'm not fully sure if I want to give him another chance, and like you said I would only if he posed some kind of commitment. At the beginning I would have gotten some closure with that - however, now it is too late for a commitment ultimatum as the time has passed and I would have to see by going ahead with dating him once again.

 

"I think you had somewhat of a shot with him when he broke up with you the first time if you had just ended contact with him"

 

Aren't we all guilty of this? Hindsight is 20/20. I know it too, I screwed up at the beginning but I can't blame myself for that...he broke up with me! At least I didn't grovel and beg is how I see it

 

I'm not so sure that he's learned he can do all those things to me now...as much as my story seems like I've been a doormat I really haven't been and I want people to understand that. I have shown him that I won't tolerate his disrespectful behavior, but I didn't do this by ignoring his contact though - that's something I didn't want to do. I do agree that I lost a lot of my power, I hope it isn't too late to get it back.

[adviseseeker]

Sometimes I think we'd be better off if we didn't hold onto grudges or resentments from the past. The world would be a more pleasant place to live in if we were all more secure in ourselves and understood that things and people change, and that we need to let go our need to control and just live life.

 

I know that the reasons why I freaked out before were not because I was afraid of losing him, but because of what I was holding onto from before. I already knew deep down that I had no control over him and that didn't bother me, but I couldn't help showing my emotions either. The break up brought up all these old feelings and has actually helped me to let it all go. I had been treated very badly before him, I had gone through a lot and what he's done doesn't even compare. It all seems so trivial to me.

 

I knew what I was getting into with him (commitment-wise) but I said screw it and let just things happen on their own. It was a leap of faith. This wasn't preventable the way I see it, it doesn't matter what I said/did after he left either, this is something he was going to do to the person he fell in love with first. I've accepted every facet of this situation really, and I know that things will happen for the best whether it involves him or not.

 

I'd just like to be the exception this time and not the rule...

[coolchick64]

^^^Well put! You sound like you have your head on straight about everything. Yes, he's let you down in the past. Yes, he may do it again. But as long as you proceed cautiously, and keep living the rest of your life as you have been, I don't see what you risk by keeping an open mind. See what he has to offer. Decide how you feel about it when you have more information. You can walk away any time. You're in control here. Just do what feels right to you.

[doiiiieeezie]

Having looked at both sides, I'd say that he could be just looking for a familiar voice, or he could be fishing.

 

You can let go of the past and the resentment because it is healthy, and the road to reconciliation is not smooth (look at any success story here) but you also need to stand your ground. He has done this to you before and he may just get his fix and go... or he may step up. How you react will take strength. It's good that he left you a voice mail, etc but he does need to step up a bit more. I'd actually wait until he calls again and see what happens, because perhaps he does need to sweat this out a little.

 

It's a positive sign either way, but please do not read into it anymore than it represents, which is a step/branch out to you.

[adviseseeker]

^^^Well put! You sound like you have your head on straight about everything. Yes, he's let you down in the past. Yes, he may do it again. But as long as you proceed cautiously, and keep living the rest of your life as you have been, I don't see what you risk by keeping an open mind. See what he has to offer. Decide how you feel about it when you have more information. You can walk away any time. You're in control here. Just do what feels right to you.

 

Thanks! I hope things work out for me and I need to continue with a level-head on this one. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, so I also need to take a step back and really go over how I feel and what I want to do.

 

Having looked at both sides, I'd say that he could be just looking for a familiar voice, or he could be fishing.

 

You can let go of the past and the resentment because it is healthy, and the road to reconciliation is not smooth (look at any success story here) but you also need to stand your ground. He has done this to you before and he may just get his fix and go... or he may step up. How you react will take strength. It's good that he left you a voice mail, etc but he does need to step up a bit more. I'd actually wait until he calls again and see what happens, because perhaps he does need to sweat this out a little.

 

It's a positive sign either way, but please do not read into it anymore than it represents, which is a step/branch out to you.

 

That was very insightful thanks, I'll for sure check out your story soon as well. I agree that he needs to try a bit harder, and I think I might wait until he calls again, I'm considering thinking about it for a few days or maybe after my exam on Friday before I call back (or he calls again). I worry that he won't make more of an effort if I don't respond, but I think I will be surprised. I didn't call back after he left me a voice mail once before and he texted me the next day (maybe to be cautious?) and I think I need to stand my ground a bit longer than that.

 

There is actually quite a bit of significance with the voice mail believe it or not, he is not a phone person and prefers to not call his friends really. This is why I'm a bit surprised with that, but I know that it is only a positive sign and nothing more at this point.

 

He really needs to make an effort because I mean business, I'm not looking for a 'hang out' situation with him again. I hope he comes to realize this.

[Ms Darcy]

I'll only say it one more time, because I'm sure I sound like a broken record. It's only a voice message. We're talking about the road to reconciliation not being smooth and making him sweat. I don't think the bigger picture is being seen. I think the OP has done a great job to start to move on but she REALLY needs to move on before even taking this guy's calls so it won't matter to her if and when he flakes again.

 

Your story reminds me of another young woman on here who was dumped nine months ago. He's still hurting her with the calls but no desire to commit. She would also have periods of no contact. But she's not over him and she keeps hoping for what he can't give. It's up to you if you want to keep getting reeled in 3, 6, 12 months from now.

[Ms Darcy]

I just wanted to add this quote from Jettison, a guy with a lot of relationship experience. Really think about this and think about it relates to your situation.

[adviseseeker]

I am starting to feel that way now, especially so after one of my 'options' started talking to me tonight. It makes me wonder and I'm considering him less in the overall scheme. I really don't know at this point.... But I'm at least at the point of not caring either way which is good. I will not close off other options and focus on him entirely that's for sure.

 

I don't want to be reeled in on an occasional basis, and I think at this point that wouldn't happen because I would walk away before constantly putting myself through that - there is a breaking point in me that hasn't quite been reached. It is probably the same with the other story, as long as I am comfortable in the position I am in without being hurt then there is no harm in being open to whatever happens. Reconciliation cannot happen if you're not willing can it? Holding onto hope or waiting is a choice, and a choice made best by the person who is experiencing the situation firsthand.

 

My ex is an amazing person and I only wish the best for him, when we were together I felt lucky to have him in my life. He loved me and treated me with respect throughout our relationship and I have no regrets of being with him one bit. I understand that commitment is a big step and a 25-year old guy needing space to think about things before making that decision isn't a big surprise these days. I would be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying my freedom as well... Maybe it had to happen, but the dynamic has changed and my feelings are not the same as they were at the beginning of this breakup. I still love and care for him though and will continue to leave the door open for as long as he does.

 

Whatever happens, happens. I guess a resolution is coming soon and I'll see how it goes! Keep rooting for me people, because even though I'm okay without him I'd still be content in having a happily-ever-after story with him.