Oh man, he called me!

[Ms Darcy]

I guess what's so painful to me about this is that it's just a voice mail. More likely than not it's not more than wanting to chat or hang out versus getting back together.

[adviseseeker]

You most definitely get it!! Thank you for writing that, because it explains a lot of the mixed feelings I have right now. I see all the options you wrote and I agree with the insights there. This is why I need a bit of time really, I just don't know how to proceed anymore with what is a) best for my personal well-being and b) more likely to inspire commitment from him.

 

One statement I'd like to reiterate too:

 

"It's not a game when he knows what you want"

 

I have been honest and upfront from day one, and I have never played games with him. He knows what I want and he knows how I feel. He has taken advantage of that, whether he actually meant to or not (he really isn't a malicious person who's out to hurt me whatever chance he can get) and I think he's quite the confused person with a lot of pent up feelings inside that need to be dealt with. I hope he does deal with them so he can move forward in life.

 

I am fully aware that this can read to other people as excuses for his behavior so it doesn't need to be said again....

[adviseseeker]

I guess what's so painful to me about this is that it's just a voice mail. More likely than not it's not more than wanting to chat or hang out versus getting back together.

 

Ya...another reason to not get so excited about it. I should really not focus on it much. It's pretty depressing.

[uncomfynumb]

There are lots of holes in this statement and I hope you look and see that our stories are similar.

 

You are explaining the reasons why he left and why it is not acceptable to you, then you say that you are not making excuses for him but that I am making excuses for my ex...

 

I hope you realize by looking at my statements how I really feel right now because I really hate repeating myself lol.

 

My ex dumped me over stress. It was confusing at first but I have not tried to reconcile with him once. I gave him an ultimatium and that was that. Your ex dumped you for similar reasons but you have reconciled and broken up again, let him be all wishy washy with it and now you are here. You have not given him an ulitimatium or else you would know why he was calling. That is the difference.

 

So stress was my ex's excuse I didn't buy. Sure, I could believe him but I believe with all of my heart what I posted earlier, that when a man is in love with you, he doesn't ask for space and he certainly doesn't ask to break up. And you are buying your ex's excuses.

 

I feel that you are questioning the judgment of the posters that are telling you to call him already and you are questioning the judgment of posters that are telling you to ignore his excuses. And some of these same posters told you how to handle the break up initially 6 months ago but you did what you wanted to do. And that is fine, all I am saying is maybe you should listen to this advise.

 

Anyway, now that you have admitted that you want a reconcilliation, you need to just call the guy and see what the heck he wants instead of creating all this drama and mystery around it.

[adviseseeker]

Well in my personal opinion ultimatums after a breakup don't work most of the time. Setting out demands while the relationship is already broken is a spell for disaster IMO. They have pros and cons as everything does, but I find their place useful when already in a relationship that is not heading in the direction you want.

 

My ex did not leave me for similar reasons really...it is a culmination of many things that mostly cannot be explained by anyone, even him. I believe that stress might have played a role, or as I said been a catalyst to set it in motion. We didn't reconcile and breakup again, in fact this entire time he has never fully ended our relationship for real. He took back the initial 'I want to breakup' from the start and it has been confusing ever since.

 

I can't control him...and I refuse to not let him be his own person and make his own decisions. If he wants out he wants out, there's nothing I can do about that and no ultimatum will change that. This is why they probably only work a percentage of the time - because only a certain percentage end up wanting to go back as the feelings were still there. The other percentage probably didn't have enough feelings to support reconciliation anyway, and also probably don't feel it is in their best interest to go back to a person that doesn't understand or even try to understand them and their reasons.

 

The stress thing your ex told you...it's your choice to believe him or not believe him. If you don't respect him anymore, or have reason to believe the things coming out of his mouth are lies then good on you. My ex has never given me any reason to believe that he is a dishonest person, and I have made my own judgments from his words and behavior and come to the conclusion that he did not lie to me when he told me he was afraid.

 

I can question anybody's judgment for that matter...because it is my life. I come here to take in objectively everyone's advise, think about it but ultimately do what is best for me. Some things people say are plain illogical to me. Some things people told me to do from the beginning were not even in my capabilities because of my emotional state, but I think it is a process anyway. I don't have any regrets.

 

Everyone makes mistakes, especially in breakups, but we are all human and honestly if I didn't do any of the things I have done I would also be denying the fact that I am a human being with emotions, who simply loves him and wants to show him that. I did some things with the risk of being hurt yes...but I care for him and believe he deserves to see that as well. I guess I am also willing to put myself out there to know that I at least tried.

 

It's fine to look at the situation as it is here and now, and the facts surrounding it (he's not with me now etc.). But to ignore the bigger picture is ignorant as well. People do take breaks, people do breakup and get back together again, people need space and time to assess things. Being in love with someone and them in love with you doesn't guarantee that they will be in a relationship with you at all times. He has a choice, and he has never not had a choice to be with me.

 

Quite frankly it is only the next day from when he called me, I've already said that I will most likely call him but I am also stressed with exams right now. Things will be sorted out in time, and I'm in no rush at the moment.

[RunCheetahRun]

I say why not try to forget this for the time being (difficult I know) and focus on your exams. That way your exams go well, you have let some time pass to see if he calls/emails/texts again and you also have time to think about what you truly want and to consider the different view points posted here. He certainly shouldn't expect a prompt response on your part and you shouldn't feel pressured to give him one.

[squirl]

He has a choice, and he has never not had a choice to be with me.

 

 

Very good observation. Proud of you for realizing this, AS.

 

Good luck on your exams!

[uncomfynumb]

Well in my personal opinion ultimatums after a breakup don't work most of the time. Setting out demands while the relationship is already broken is a spell for disaster IMO. They have pros and cons as everything does, but I find their place useful when already in a relationship that is not heading in the direction you want.

 

What? Disaster? LOL! Telling your ex not to contact you unless they want a serious relationship works perfectly. No, it might not bring them back but you don't want someone back that is not committed to the relationship or is wishy washy do you?

 

Ultimatiums do not work well within a relationship. That is when you compromise. You have it backwards dear.

 

My ex did not leave me for similar reasons really...it is a culmination of many things that mostly cannot be explained by anyone, even him.

 

oh wow....

 

I'm done trying to get these few simple points through to you. I hope it works out. Good luck!

[lavenderdove]

Honey, you missed my point... i am not criticizing you at all when i say you shouldn't play games and should treat him like a human being as opposed to 'my ex boyfriend who i need to handle like he's an unexploded bomb and i need to strategize with everyone i know before i call him.

 

What I meant was that if someone calls you and asks you to call back, and you decide to NOT call back trying to make him want you more or really prove he wants you, that is indeed game playing and manipulation, even if that is not your intent, because you are not COMMUNICATING with him, but trying to improve the odds you get an outcome you want based on treating him badly (ignoring him).

 

A good relationship is built on treating someone with the utmost respect, even if they are behaving badly, to show them how a good relationship is done. So if he disappears for a while, the incorrect response is shunning him when he calls. The correct response is calling him back and saying, where have you been, and it hurts me when youu disappear like that and i deserve an explanation, not excuses, and i need you to not do that again.

 

Good relationships are formed with a LOT of negotiation, talking about problems, and resolving them as a couple. But you have to talk about those issues when they come up, and not wait months or refuse to call him back.

 

And if you're busy and can't think about it now, then you text him back and say, i got your message, but i'm busy with finals now and will call you after my exams are done. That's all it takes to NOT play games, and to let him know you are open to talking to him again.

 

And the 'human being' part comes in in that he is just like everyone else in the world in that if you call someone and they don't call back, you're liable to think that there is something wrong, as in maybe you don't want to hear from him, or maybe you have a new boyfriend. He most definitely is not going to take it as a positive sign that you left him hanging, in the same way you didn't take it as a positive thing that he wandered off and didn't respond back to you.

 

So by letting him hang out to dry without a callback, you are creating distance between you rather than closing the gap. ALL your efforts should be towards closing the gap if your goal is to get back together.

 

So when you talk to him, it is very fair to say, what happened to you, you just disappeared without a word for 6 weeks, that is just not cool and i need to know why. Then you let him speak. You don't fill in the blanks by saying things like 'you're a commitmentphobic, you're this or you're that.' You just need to open the lines of communication and let him speak and air the truth of what is going on, what he is thinking and feeling. And if you think he's feeding you a line, then you call him on it. And if he says something like, i just need space, then you can start negotiating on what 'i need space' really means. Does he need to not see you for X period of time? Or only see you once a week? Or is that really a desire to date other women and leave his options open, but not give you up entirely?

 

So you need to really start talking, and don't assume you know what the problem is until there has been a LOT of talking, and then you need to negotiate how you are going to try to close the gap between what he needs and what you need until you both are comfortable. In other words, SO WHAT if you think he's a commitmentphobe... labelling him doesn't change his behavior, negotiating with him might.

 

That is the point i was trying to make... he's a human being like anyone else and you shouldn't put him on a pedestal nor handle him with kid gloves like he's an explosive device... you need to use the same skills that are used in ALL good relationships, which is communication and negotiation to resolve differences.

[tattoobunnie]

Well done lavenderdove...some of the best advice I've heard on here!

[uncomfynumb]

Lavenderdove,

 

As always, I enjoy your posts and think you give great advise but the OP has literally been trying to negotiate a relationship for the last 6 months. Do you think that the problem was lack of clear boundaries from the beginnning? And at what point do you walk away? Actually, at what point do accept the breakup, take it seriously and literally?

 

Using my own situation as an example, you advised me to sit down and talk with my ex after the smoke had cleared. Though I appreciated the advise, I did not do it as I felt that he had made his decision and that it was not up to me to change his mind and by doing so, would only create more stress and confusion in his life. So instead, I left it up to him to contact me. Of course I felt I was giving up something with wonderful potential but I also felt that if he thought so too, we wouldn't be in this place. Apparently he still feels the same way as he did and I am glad that I handled it as I did. It has freed me to heal, to learn, and to move on to find something better with someone that wants the same things that I do.

 

I just think it is important to clarify things because I think a lot of people fall into the trap of trying to renegotiate a relationship by means of friendship or other means and end up disappointed time and time again.

[lavenderdove]

^^

 

But as long as she wants to try, she will. Her emotions need to catch up to the logic or reality of the situation, and people do change their minds.

 

But I am strong proponent of continuing the dialogue and really listening to what the other person has to say, and hearing what they mean, not what you WANT them to mean. So you have to fight to look at the situation realistically, and if the person is not interested/able to be in a relationship, i do think you need to move on and heal. If they come back fine, but one shouldn't assume they will, because most likely they won't. But sometimes they do.

 

So if you really communicate, it is all good, because the more information you have, the better able you are to make good decisions and choices. Lots of people break up in a big blowup without ever really talking it through enough to accept it is over, or to really recognize the two people just want something different and it will never work.

 

And many dumpews hide, hoping against hope, and hanging onto their fantasies that it will 'magically' be fixed. So you get this kind of really paradoxical behavior where the dumpee spends huge amount of time fantasizing and thinking about the ex, but when the ex finally does approach, they timidly hide or avoid actually talking to find out what they want.

 

At that point, the thing they are most afraid of is hearing the truth, that the person may not want them back. So rather than get together to see if the dumper is interested or not, they avoid communication while still hanging onto their hopes and fantasies. So they are having a stronger relationship with the ghost of the relationship than the person themselves.

 

So if someone feels they aren't 'done', i always encourage them to communicate with the person as much as possible, to try to get as much data as possible to adjust their actions to the reality of the situation. If they do nothing, they may be content to spend YEARS with the *fantasy* of getting back together, while actually doing nothing to bring it about.

 

So yes, maybe it is hopeless and she should give up and move on. But if he's calling her, and she still wants him back, she needs to do SOMETHING to resolve it. Many people have been dumped will just continue to be passive and hold onto their fantasies rather than give up that hope. You need to actively engage, talk about it, make a decsion.

 

But people's emotions have to catch up to the reality of the situation. The best way to do that is to be confronted with the reality so that the fantasy is lessened, and the reality becomes more real. Many dumpees will hold on for YEARS without ANY contact, having this very active fantasy life about how it is their true love and of course true love wins out and of course the person will come back as long as they wait patiently and don't rock the boat. The sad thing there is the dumper may have been long gone and not even thinking about the ex, so a total waste of time and life.

 

So i think people who have a strong fantasy life about how this guy is 'the one', they need to interact with the dumper to reduce fantasy that may not be based on any reality at all. And they need to recognize that a relationship is two people working things out, rather than one person sitting back and fantasizing that the other person is 'the one' and hence they must wait for them.

 

So what is needed is resolution. Some people take more turns in the bucket to get reality enough to let go, and some couples need to go thru a few rounds in the bucket before they are able to get back together. The only way to find out is to interact until resolutin is reached. Emotions can take a long time to catch up to logic. It's not over til the *emotions* understand it is over. Logically everyone else can know, but the person's emotions need to accept that as well.

 

So a lot of this talk may not lead to reconciliation, but it can be very useful in helping hte person get over it. I've seen people have a HUGE fantasy for a long time that a dumper will come back, then when they finally did go a few more rounds they can accept it is over. But if they just sit around and fantasize and don't interact, then their fantasy is nice and warm, and they won't give it up no matter how far away the dumper has gone.

[uncomfynumb]

Thanks Lavenderdove. Great post and advice as always.

[adviseseeker]

Honestly....I've tried communicating with him and talking to him about this and he won't. He literally runs away like a scared little boy, why do you think he disappeared for 6 weeks after I told him I'd like to talk? He was just busy? This is ridiculous because there is only so much I can do, and only so much responding to his texts and calls before leaving again that I can take. I have been at his beck and call this entire time, willing to go and see him when he asks, receiving all of his mixed messages and finding a way to cope when he leaves, giving him all the space that he asked for so that he can delay being in a serious relationship, only to be taken through the cycle again.

 

When I say he's afraid of commitment and afraid of being a man...I'm saying that he's really just too immature to handle it by actually communicating with me. He is also too afraid to be in a real serious relationship with intimacy that involves him actually growing up. He already knows that I want to talk and I've made that abundantly clear so I don't feel the need to continue to try talking when he clearly showed me many times he doesn't want to, and when he has already told me he doesn't want to. (Oh right, he also told me he DID want to and then disappeared...what does that say?) I am at the point where I am fed up with his behavior and being comforting and understanding with him right now is not what I need to do. I have done these things already, and have recognized the need to change what I have been doing...

 

It's not my job to talk to him about our relationship: he broke up with me, he ran and he needed space. I shouldn't have to continually beat a dead horse and try forcing him to talk. Also, he doesn't like it when I call back right away, he doesn't like it when I care about him too much and express my concern for him, I have discovered this already.

 

So if anyone cares, I called him today in the afternoon. He didn't answer, and it's been a few hours and he has not called back. I did not leave a voice message.

 

I also don't think I should be texting him a reason why I didn't pick up, or telling him that I'm busy and will call back. He's not a part of my life now, he doesn't get to know what I'm doing and why I'm busy.

 

On a side note, I was NOT playing games by not calling him back right away because I was REALLY thinking about it. I was not trying to evoke a response from him, and seeing as he has not returned my calls on many occasions and I patiently waited for him to call...hours, days, weeks for when he was ready I don't think it matters much that I didn't call him back right after he phoned me. Sure relationships are built on communicating, showing that you care etc. but we are not in a relationship anymore, he dumped me without communicating and I have every right to not return a call after being put through the ringer. He is my ex. When someone hurts you it's not your responsibility to make amends, especially after trying many times to no avail.

 

I'm also pretty upset right now that he either: 1) Ignored my call 2) Is too afraid to call back 3) Is playing some phone game with me when he was the one who called me in the first place 4) Has no intention of actually talking to me.

 

So what were the benefits of calling? Because I don't see any right now, I knew he wasn't going to answer and look at that....he didn't.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm also pretty upset right now that he either: 1) Ignored my call 2) Is too afraid to call back 3) Is playing some phone game with me when he was the one who called me in the first place 4) Has no intention of actually talking to me.

 

So what were the benefits of calling? Because I don't see any right now, I knew he wasn't going to answer and look at that....he didn't.

 

My how quickly things reverse. When he doesn't respond to you, you start to sweat. This reaction, and the fact that you aren't over him, means you need to have zero contact with him at all and endeavor to move on.

[adviseseeker]

I'm starting to think that I should send him a message saying that if he wants to talk, he can see me tomorrow after I finish my exam.

 

I'm thinking that more likely than not he is too afraid to return the call as it took me two days, and I didn't leave a message so he is unaware of what my situation is emotionally (how I feel about him) and is scared.

 

I'm most likely going to do this tonight...any opinions on this?

 

Ugh...I don't know, he probably doesn't want to talk. This is what bugs me because it could end up like it did last time. I probably should wait until he calls me back as the ball is in his court now.

[diamond78]

I'm starting to think that I should send him a message saying that if he wants to talk, he can see me tomorrow after I finish my exam.

 

I'm thinking that more likely than not he is too afraid to return the call as it took me two days, and I didn't leave a message so he is unaware of what my situation is emotionally (how I feel about him) and is scared.

 

I'm most likely going to do this tonight...any opinions on this?

 

 

I'm going to keep this simple....Do not send that text. It will only make you look thirsty, desperate, and still too available.

 

You returned his call....If he really wants to talk to you, he will call you back. You should not act again. Try not to let his phonecall resort you back to bad habits...Stay strong!

[adviseseeker]

I'm going to keep this simple....Do not send that text. It will only make you look thirsty, desperate, and still too available.

 

You returned his call....If he really wants to talk to you, he will call you back. You should not act again. Try not to let his phonecall resort you back to bad habits...Stay strong!

 

Thank you, this helped me. I was starting to realize this as well, and after being nervous, confused, patient, impatient, confused again, angry, then disappointed and trying to come up with stupid solutions...all in the matter of two hours I have finally come back down to earth. Haha. Even though I'm not totally over him doesn't mean though that nothing can happen until I am, I just need to learn to relax and focus on myself first.

 

You are very right, and I will take it easy and go back to studying.

 

I'm sure he will call back as his message before was actually a good sign, I can tell by his voice that it took him a lot to call me and leave a message and he quite obviously misses me. I don't think it's in my best interest right now to text him or show him how I feel in anyway (even by leaving a voice message because the emotion would probably come through my tone) because he has known how I feel this entire time and now that he doesn't anymore, I think it will also help him objectively look at the situation without any outside influence, and also have me being more of a mystery to him.

[amandamarie]

I'm starting to think that I should send him a message saying that if he wants to talk, he can see me tomorrow after I finish my exam.

 

I'm thinking that more likely than not he is too afraid to return the call as it took me two days, and I didn't leave a message so he is unaware of what my situation is emotionally (how I feel about him)

 

Eeek, no please don't do this!!! Seriously, he knows how you feel about him - even if it did take 2 days to return the call. He is the one who chose to drop out of your life. He probably knows you are a little ticked - which you have a right to be! If he is too scared to face you because of HIS actions, then that is a problem. Not with you, but with him.

 

I know you said he is too afraid to return the call - but this is a grown man we are talking about. Do you know how much time I spent analyzing my ex's behavior? Pretty much 9 months. Thinking about his intimacy issues, his PTSD, you name it, and making excuses about how I needed to be supportive because of all this, because he couldn't help it. And you know what adviseseeker? It doesn't matter how much empathy you have for him, how supportive you are to him - you can analyze him all day long - and make excuses for him all day long just like I did. But it doesn't change things, the situation is still going to be the same, unless HE chooses to change it. In fact, being too supportive to someone like this actually at some point turns you into a bit of a doormat and makes you lose some self-respect, and his respect too I will wager. I can say, several months further along than you, I feel like my ex would have respected me a lot more if I had just stayed away quite honestly and stood up for myself more. I think I am getting some of that back now though, and its funny how that works. Stay strong, I know it is tough

[adviseseeker]

You know, this happens to the best of people doesn't it? I have so much compassion and love for him that most of the things he does (aside from any sort of verbal/physical abuse of course) will be forgiven over time. I am able to analyze the situation, be mature and come to forgiveness sooner and this makes me seem like a doormat....I guess being supportive can have it's downsides too.

 

Sometimes being too caring and understanding means that you don't seem to put yourself first - and that is the big thing that needs to be changed here. I think my ex came to this conclusion, as I am always helping others and showing him a lot of support that he told me he thought I didn't love myself (can't you care for others and still love yourself?) so it looks differently to everyone else. I have always loved myself, I carry that over to helping and caring for others as well but oh well...he's seeing it that way so I have to show him that I put myself first by doing things that are completely not part of my personality I guess.

 

Anyway, big confusing mess. But you're right, he knows how I feel and I have a right to be ticked. He can be afraid all he wants but he is the one who is going to have to step up to the plate if he wants a relationship with me, which means he will have to get over his fears, apologize, and talk to me. So now, I am not waiting I'm just going to go back to what I was doing before and focus on MEEE for once!

[HeartGoesOn]

My how quickly things reverse. When he doesn't respond to you, you start to sweat. This reaction, and the fact that you aren't over him, means you need to have zero contact with him at all and endeavor to move on.

 

I agree!

 

If this doesn't make you to decide to go "NC", I don't know what will. He's playing a game, you're taking the bait, and you're right back to square one.

[adviseseeker]

My rebuttal about ultimatums,

 

I personally believe that an ultimatum leads to disaster when a relationship is already broken and only sometimes 'works' when already in a relationship (and really it can only 'work' when the feelings/desire is already there, so really it doesn't evoke any separate feelings/desire...but it can help if someone is digging their heels) is because I believe giving someone an ultimatum at that point:

 

A) Shows them that you do not respect their reasons or needs, regardless of what they are, to leave the relationship

B) Shows them that you're personal wants and desires are the only things that matter to you

C) Shows them that you are incapable of letting them make their own decisions

D) Puts more pressure on them when they have already been experiencing pressure to stay in the relationship (if applicable)

E) Shows them that you are insecure....(doesn't it?)

F) Shows them that you do not respect their need to be their own individual with their own identity

G) Shows that you are not willing to make an effort to understand them and work on the issues

H) Shows them that you are in a fixed position unable to adapt to changes and grow as a person, or be flexible

 

I don't know, the list goes on for me...and although they do have positives that show your strength, sureness of self, and shows them their options I don't think in most cases that the positives outweigh the negatives. When someone leaves you I think an ultimatum leaves a bitter taste in their mouth, the outcome is either them walking away or somewhat surrendering to you...and I think that just tips the power balance in your favour when both parties should have a personal choice and should be equal.

 

This is all dependent on the circumstances and every case is different. In my case, giving him an ultimatum for commitment would have made him very bitter towards me and probably unwilling to be with me at all. I've come to this conclusion based on all of the variables, one being his age and the fact that he has never committed before.

 

The best thing I ever did was tell my ex that I respected his decision to leave and that I understood he needed space, then I told him I was willing to work on the issues but I was okay with walking away if he wanted to. He has a choice to be in a relationship with me and I truly believe that forcing him to make a decision about commitment when he was already confused and having doubts about the issue would have pushed him farther away. I think I made the right decision, even though I can't possibly know the exact reason why he calls beforehand...I'm okay with a bit of uncertainty there.

[coolchick64]

Just want to say, I don't understand the benefits of ignoring him, as other posters have advised. He may well let you down. You can't control what he's willing to do or what he wants. But if you want another chance with him, the only way for it to happen is if you respond when he contacts you. I would never tell you to pin all your hopes on him, but as you pursue the rest of your options and live your life independently, I don't think it costs you much to keep an open mind about him. Of course, if it's too stressful to wait for his responses or wonder what he's up to, then you should definitely consider shutting this down. But that's a decision based on how you're feeling and what feels best to you. Not about what he's doing or may/may not do in the future. Make sense?

 

As far as where things stand at this point, I think it's good you called him back and left it at that. I wouldn't do any more for now (although it would've been a good idea to leave a message, I think---sometimes caller id, etc., doesn't work). I don't think it means anything that he didn't call back right away. Yes, he may be scared. He also may be busy, his phone may be dead, he may be unsure what he's doing, or a million other things. Try not to think about it too much and just see what happens next.

[uncomfynumb]

Adviseseeker,

 

When someone dumps you, are they respecting your needs? Are they respecting your want and desire and your reasons to continue the relationship? No they are not. They are actually putting their wants and needs a head of yours. So by giving them an ultimatium, you are showing them that you have some self respect.

 

Giving someone an ultimatium in no way shape or form denotes that you do not care about that other person's needs, not at all. You can surely say "I love you, but there are some things that I will not tolerate." You should be able to do this within a relationship as well.

 

Again, when someone leaves a relationship, they are putting their wants and needs over you and the relationship. Is this not selfish? To me it is. Relationships are not all about one person, they are about two. To support them after they leave the relationship enables selfish behavior. If they come back, they will remember how easy it was for them to jerk you around and they will more than likely do that again. Your ex has been jerking you around for the past 6 months and you have been letting him. We teach people how to treat us.

 

In a relationship, you never put the needs of another over your own. When you do, you lose yourself, you lose your will, your strength, and your resolve.

 

When someone dumps you, and you continue to try and work on the relationship, that is the same as showing them that you don't respect the space that they asked for and actually sends the message that they are incapable of making a decision because you feel that their decison is wrong decision.

 

Giving someone an ultimatium may put some additional pressure on them but this is when they need that and they need that tough love to grow up. Life is a series of right and wrong choices and there are consquences good and bad to our our decisions and actions. If you do not give an ultimatium, it is good as saying you can treat me anyway that you want and I will always be there for you. You can make the wrong chocie and it is ok because I will be there to take you back.

 

Relationships are not always a walk in the park amongst fluffy bunnies, unicorns and rainbows. In order to have a long, lasting relationship people have got to learn to work through the issues and last through the everyday stress and pressure that life brings.

 

Giving someone an ultimatium shows that you are very secure; secure in yourself, in control of yourself, that you value yourself above them (extremely important), that you may love them but you can live without them. Again, your way is the way of the enabler. Your way is the best way to become a doormat.

 

Lastly, it is ok to be inflexible about some things. When someone walks away from me, puts their needs above mine, then they no longer come first in my life and I am no longer willing to bend over backward to please them. I have not become inflexible, I would be very willing to be flexible and to compromise but they essentially took the relationship away. What are we compromising now?

 

When someone leaves you I think an ultimatum leaves a bitter taste in their mouth, the outcome is either them walking away or somewhat surrendering to you...

 

LOL! When someone leaves you, they have already chosen to walk away...

 

I think I understand your problem now and why it is lending to all these crazy ideas. When your ex left you, you never accepted it and you have treated the breakup not like a breakup but like a long, unresolved issue or conflict that just so happens to have lasted for 6 months. In your mind, you are still together with him, working on the relationship, negotiating. You are still very much emotionally invested.

 

The best thing I ever did was tell my ex that I respected his decision to leave and that I understood he needed space, then I told him I was willing to work on the issues but I was okay with walking away if he wanted to

 

But you never truly respected his decision adviseseeker. You have chased him practically from day one. Shall I post some from your many threads?

 

Furthermore, the part I have underlined is not true. You have never been ok with him walking away and you are still not ok with it.

 

You are right about one thing however, he does have a choice. And if you think you made the right decison, that is fine too. But don't ignore the fact that you have been on this rollercoaster for since months. If that is how you like it, which you obviously do, then that is fine. But what I see when I read your threads is a very, confused, needy, and insecure young woman that doesn't seem to know which way is up or the right way to handle a relationship.

 

When my ex broke up with me, we talked and talked and talked some more. I told him how I felt, that I didn't think stress was a good reason to leave the relationship. I questioned if he was scared or something, if it was something I did. We talked about it until there was nothing left to say. And then I took a couple of days for myself to think and I decided that the best thing that I could do now was to look after myself now and to stop looking after him because after all, his leaving the relationship was akin to him telling me in other words that he didn't want me to look after him any longer.

 

So I took him seriously, he said he didn't think he could offer me what I wanted and I believed him. But I checked in anyway to make sure he had not changed his mind and I told him the truth about how I really felt, that I needed him to take a stand and commit to the relationship and that if he could not, then I couldn't be his friend. And if that left a bitter taste in his mouth, well I'm sorry but I doubt it did. My ex is not a spoiled child that expects to get everything his way either. I'm sure he would have liked to have me as a friend, to be able to unload on me when he needed to, to give him time and attention when he needed it, he is human after all.

 

And I never told him that I would not be willing to talk or to work things out either. I simply stated that I wanted an intimate, exclusive relationship with him and I wasn't willing to settle for less than that. And I am not.

 

Lastly, "ultimatium" is really not the right word to use. There is an element of threat in that and establishing boundaries or conditions should not be seen as threatening to another person at all.

[doiiiieeezie]

Wise Words.

 

Look, we like to all make the dumper look bad at times and really we all need to stand our ground. But at the same time the dumper is just as human as the dumpee. You will love someone and you will get hurt, it is guaranteed. Is it right? No. Having said that, it's silly go to the end of each spectrum and conclude that this or that should be done in all cases.

 

It's good that you called him and left a message, now let him respond. If he doesn't, then you know where you stand. But you have reciprocated his gesture and now it's time to live your life. Do well in your exams, take care of yourself and let whatever happen be so. It was only one call... and you could over-analyze it until you grow grey hairs and own a rocking chair. You will know his intentions by his future actions or inaction.

 

Let's all step back and not jump into a pool that has not been filled... apparently you can get permanent injuries from doing that .