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My husband never wants sex anymore, help! :(


DaniOkmen

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My husband and I got married on December 21st, and we've only been married for two months and our sex life has gone down the drain already! It's starting to bother me really bad, and I don't know what to do anymore.

 

When we were first together, I couldn't get him off of me, we would have sex at least twice a day. It was like that for a long time, but slowly started to slow down, but it was at least once a day. Before we got our own place, we were living with my parents, with my mom right in the next room and yet we still had sex every single night unless I had my period. Once we moved in together, it started to slow down, but still we had sex at least four or five times a week.

 

Once we got married, it seemed like he always had some excuse not to have sex. 'My head hurts', 'I'm tired', 'I'm not in the mood', 'later', or my favorite 'tomorrow, I promise'. Everytime he tells me that he promises to have sex with me the next day, there is always something that happens that stops him. Now, I'm lucky to make love with my husband once a week.

 

We haven't had sex now in a week and a half, and yesterday after he got home from work, I tried to mess with him and he pushed me away and said wait until we go to bed. So we go to bed, and I go to touch him again, and he turns away from me and tells me to stop, that he wants to sleep. I was so horny that I started to touch myself and he yelled at me that if I wanted to play with myself, I had all day while he wasn't home to do it, then got up and went into the living room and slept on the couch.

 

I've brought up how our sex life has changed dramatically on many occasions lately and he always says the same thing, "it's not different at all" and he changes the subject. I'm getting so mad and upset every time I get rejected and I always tell myself that that was the last time I was going to try to have sex with him, but still, I keep trying, and keep getting hurt over and over again.

 

Being rejected so much is really starting to hurt, what can I do to get the man I love with all my heart to have sex with me?

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First off, sex does gradually dwindle down a little from those first few months of the bliss of a new relationship. It's a pretty common thing to happen. Secondly, what about job stress? IS he under more stress than he used to be? I know when I get stressed over my job my desire for sex is much less even though my desire for my b/f hasn't changed I'm just legitimately very tired. Third, sex takes far more energy for males and their orgasms also take more out of them, so if it is an issue with fatigue he might just not be able to handle it as well as when the relationship was still brand new ... it's a known fact we are putting out our very best selves in the new stages of a relationship. When comfort zone settles in we tend to be more the people we "really" are normally.

 

If you don't think stress or fatigue is at play then it could be boredom settling in. HOpe that isn't the case but some people get married and start feeling bored or that its getting stale or not as 'hot' as when single. I think that is silly but we can't change some mindsets. I truly hope this isn't the case as you are still very much newlyweds.

 

It's really bothering you so I would suggest asking him if you can have a sit down talk about it, and try to tell him how you feel without being accusatory or blaming. Focus on how it makes YOU FEEL vs starting off sentences that start off with "you always....fill in the blank". The last thing you want to do is put him on the defense because if you do it will make him feel even less desire for sex.

 

He might also be experiencing a mild ED problem. Men don't like to talk about this with their g/f's or wives as it embarrasses them even though MANY men go through it at some point in time or other. This is a hard subject to broach as it may make him even less amiable to sex if it embarrasses him or hurts his feelings. This is an issue he'll probably need to work out on his own. The anger he had when you touched yourself in bed is concerning and suggests maybe he is having an issue like this and the frustration and fear of the unknown about it is manifesting itself into anger.

 

If you have the means, I strongly suggest a psychologist who specializes in sex therapy or at least knows something about it. Regular psychologists are not always the best to help with intimate issues and some are better than others.

 

Good luck, I hope it works out.

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The bait and switch.

 

Call him on it and tell him that isn't going to fly. I would be extremely upset about a SO doing that. Very poor form and a very bad way to start a marriage. I'd insist on a direct explanation.

 

Definitely do not consider tolerating how he is treating you. If you let him get by with it, it will become habit and only get worse. Whatever his reason, he will use the same type of evasion and poor communication in the future if not called on it.

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The bait and switch.

 

Call him on it and tell him that isn't going to fly. I would be extremely upset about a SO doing that. Very poor form and a very bad way to start a marriage. I'd insist on a direct explanation.

 

Definitely do not consider tolerating how he is treating you. If you let him get by with it, it will become habit and only get worse. Whatever his reason, he will use the same type of evasion and poor communication in the future if not called on it.

 

If it is from stress or ED confronting him and giving him ultimatums is going to ensure he never gets out of it. I think her best approach is handle it without confrontation at first and see if she can get him to open up about it. It is ODD behavior for a newlywed but unless she strongly suspects he is cheating or just doesn't care about her as much anymore confrontation should be a very last resort.

 

I think unknowme's suggestion about backing off for a little while and make him do some pursuing might be a good tactic...just to see if his thoughts towards it changes a little. Sometimes men want to be the pursuer and if he is wanting it less due to stress, if he feels less pressured he might come around more naturally.

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Also examine what else is going on in your life. Some guys also get a thrill when sex is sort of forbidden (mom in the next room) and now that you guys have a place there isn't that thrill. If its all the sudden job stress, house stress, etc, that affects things too.

 

I would say lay off of him for just a little bit as is said before (and do masturbate at least once a week to take the edge off yourself if needed). Also, be willing to make physical contact with no expectation of sex. There could be something on his mind, or you guys are just developing into a more usual pattern.

 

ALso, he mentioned that "you have all day" to play with yourself. Do you work? If you don't and there is no little one on the way, I would go out and get at least a part time job, etc. - I was a stay at home wife for awhile and it created stress when the house wasn't spotless and dinner wasn't thought about being that I was home all day. So if you do not work, make sure he doesn't have things to worry about like that when he gets home. It doesn't have to be perfect - but so that you made an effort to do your part if he is working hard.

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How often do you guys just talk? Have dates where there is a lot of communication? or simply have heart to hearts?

 

You really should try to not pursue sex for awhile. His behaviour could be due to anything of those mentioned above from ED, cheating, stress, some other psychological issue (like depression for some reason?) and just plain being tired. You're his wife and your focus should not be "sex sex sex". You should use the lack of sex as an indicator for something that could be potentially off with him that has absolutely nothing to do with sex. Ok, so maybe most guys aren't famous for talking about their feelings.... but everytime you think now "I want sex..." use that energy and instead ask him how he's doing and try just to make him open up? Unless of course he is already as open as a book with a glass cover.

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I agree with you. I think his comment about "you had all day to play with yourself" might be a bit telling...could be resentment that he is working and she isn't (if that is the case).

 

Being newly married can stress the heck out of some people, especially guys. It can do it to women too, but men seem to get that "OH CRAP" kind of feeling thinking now it's time to grow up, man up, take on responsibility, etc. These kind of fears normally go away after the shock wears off.

 

Do agree though that you can't expect to live sexless longterm. I just think perhaps approaching it with sensitivity until you better understand the problem is the best approach. To suggest leaving the marriage if it doesn't improve...well I think that would be marital doomsday to do that without trying to resolve it more compassionately first. You've only been married two months -this could be a minor setback due to marital stress and just huge fears about a new life.

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I would tell him that he needs to explain what has happened or get some help to find out if he expects this relationship to last.

 

Yes. I agree.

 

Either something big happened (he's cheating, he had a life changing experience, he thinks you are doing something, he's gotten completely depressed).

 

Or he has been faking it the whole time.

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Something seems strange here. Any chance he's got a medical issue and is embarassed about it? Or is he under some sort of stress at work or something?

 

This really seems to be my thoughts as well. Only 2 months into a marriage and they were going at it fine before. I really think it's one of the two things you mentioned above.

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when was the last time you did something sexually just for him? no strings attached, 100% for him?

 

I only ask because I have been and have got EXTREMELY bitter in the past re: my fianceé's lack of selflessness, maybe it could be that?

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Maybe once a week is his natural pattern. Not everyone wants to have sex all of the time. Why do you perceive a lower sex drive as being a rejection of you personally? Maybe he just has a different comfort zone. Where does this expectation of having daily sex come from anyways? There seems to be a plethora of women complaining about the men in their lives not wanting sex all of the time... what if the shoe was on the other foot and you had a lower sex drive while he wanted to do it all of the time and took it so personally?

 

FYI Once a week is within the realm of "normal".

 

 

 

From your avatar and tagline it seems like you are single-mindedly obsessed with being married. Like someone else said, it would be good to build aspects of your own life through a career or something you can claim as your own, rather than wrap all of your identity around being someone's wife.

 

Further, why would you post a picture of your husband on your avatar, and list his name in your tagline? Pretty uncool to identify people like that IMO.

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^^ I agree about having his picture in the avatar and then attacking his sexual prowess. Not too cool. I don't think he'd appreciate it, especially if someone who knows you guys saw it then read your post.

 

Dani, you also wrote When we were first together, I couldn't get him off of me, we would have sex at least twice a day. It was like that for a long time, but slowly started to slow down, but it was at least once a day.

 

This is NOT a realistic expectation for most men. This is the sexual pattern of someone in the new early stages of a relationship. A lot of men just can't keep up this pace and I don't think it is realistic of you to think he would still be able to have sex everyday for the rest of your married lives. And again, remember, if you are not working and he is you are going to have more energy then him.

 

Once a week isn't THAT bad. IF you were expecting sex daily no wonder he's brushing you off. He might think you're being a tad selfish if he just doesn't have the energy to continue this pace.

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This thread is exactly the kind of thing I refer to when I see people talk about how they need to test drive a person before marriage to see if they are sexually compatible...I caution people not to assume that sexual compatibility before marriage will result in sexual compatibility after marriage.

 

You are not the only one who has had their post marriage sex life fall far short of what was going on before marriage. Check out the second story in this link: link removed This is actually more common than people think.

 

Try to get busy with your own life and interests and a job. He could be stressed, resentful, trying to adjust to marriage, who knows. You can't force him to address the issue. Give it a bit of time and see what happens.

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It seems like you're fixated on your husband, and your identity is wrapped around being married to your husband, which is a status you've only had for a few months. He may find this off-putting or even irritating - being totally dependent and fixated on someone is not an attractive quality. I agree with the others, you need to become a more well-rounded person, with your own hobbies and activities and life, and you need to back off, to give him some breathing room and a chance to miss you/ wonder about you - a critical element for attraction.

 

I think you also need to be aware of maintaining anonymity on the Internet. You have your first and last name, his (very distinctive) first name and last name, and a photo of you both on here. Is it really fair to him that someone can Google his name or search it on Facebook and get straight to stuff related to his "real life", knowing all the while about these intimate problems you're having? Would he choose that for himself? People can also do the same thing for you, incidentally.

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