Coversation after Break up-im left confused

[EQIQ]

jenmar have you ever heard of link removed ?

 

I have been following your thread for quite sometime, and you display some characteristics that resemble very much a "clinger". I as well have this type of personality, I cling too much, become insecure, needy etc.

 

Check that site out, lots of useful information. Check this article I found it very insightful. link removed

[jenmar]

I think had he actually put forth some actual effort then it could have worked.

Regardless of what I did he would find something wrong with it, buecause that is his easy way out. his way of justifying giving up.

 

judging by his past, and his current behavior I would have to go with the fact that he has commitment issues.

 

Do i want to change that, of course I do, what we had was great in the beginning, then it all started to change.

 

I miss him, yes I want to hold on to the hope that he will change his mind, but I think its very unlikely.

[john316]

i'm struggling too. i saw my ex-gf with another guy, walking from her apartment to the subway. it made me sad. that should have been me with her, hanging out, having fun adventures. the guy seemed confident, cool, good looking... the opposite of my neediness. it really, really sucked seeing that.

 

now, i just don't even want to see her anywhere. i don't want to run into her anymore - it's just too painful. it sucks constantly trying to guess where she'll be so that i can avoid her. we have the same interests so it's hard to avoid her...

[jenmar]

This sucks-

Yesterday I was okay-

Im OK today-but still keep thinking about the good times.. when does this end?

[lavenderdove]

For it to end emotionally, you have to really get some time between you and contact with him... though it has basically been falling apart for a couple months, you last contacted him a week ago with the expectation of a relationship, so it is like you are starting the grieving all over again since it has only been one week.

 

So it really is best to have a clean break now... just count it as one week of being over with, and you can expect to feel pretty bad the first month, but after that, it really gets a lot better if you really do make a commitment to put it behind you and move on, and practice thought stopping if you find yourself thinking about him too much.

[jenmar]

I do have a confession. After he broke up (originally Feb 13th is the actual break up date) with me I joined link removed a few days later.... I was so angry with him and annoyed.. and said to myself, FINE I will find someone else - I started just friendly talking to a guy, well then once ray told me that he wanted to try and work it out I had to be honest with the match guy, I didn't wnt him to think I was ready to jump into dating.. because I wasn't.- I told him I was going through a rough time and decided I am only looking for friendship at the moment... He said that is totally fine, he thought we had a lot in common and said being friends is completely fine if thats all i have to offer at the moment

So we have been texting just as friends since, so for about 5 weeks.

 

Well after the ex blew me off Sunday and wouldn't talk to me, I agreed to finally meet and go to dinner with the Match guy on Tuesday, something was telling me to do it, not out of spite, not to "get back at the ex" but because i felt it was time to finally meet.... It was nice, refreshing just to have a friendly dinner. We met for dinner again last night, went even better than the first time..

 

I am not sure if what I am doing is right... Its not like im leading him on.. He knows I have been through a lot recently and is Ok with that and says he just wants to be there to make me smile and forget about the rough times. and he does.. very polite, a gentleman.

I had such a fun time last night, and was finding myself happy the rest of the evening, he texted me when he got home and said he would really like to take me to dinner and a movie next thursday since we are both off.. which really for some reason made me excited and happy, and somehow sorta knowing that I could potentially in a month or so move on and maybe actually be dating this guy. I just don't want it to be just a rebound, just someone that I am using to get over my ex. I know in my head that is not my intention at all- I really like him, hes very sweet, genuine, and has a lot of qualities that I have been looking for, I dont know if Im techincally alowed to be happy about this.

 

Yes I keep thinking about the ex. I keep thinking what the heck, how do you say you love someone and bounce when it gets a tad rough... then string me along for weeks, then finally completely blow me off. I know that my ex isn't the right one for me, I need a guy that is willing to be there for me no matter what.. especially since I have a son.

 

Idk, am i making a mistake??

[feejruin]

 

Yes I keep thinking about the ex. I keep thinking what the heck, how do you say you love someone and bounce when it gets a tad rough... then string me along for weeks, then finally completely blow me off. I know that my ex isn't the right one for me, I need a guy that is willing to be there for me no matter what.. especially since I have a son.

 

Idk, am i making a mistake??

 

let me think about this.

 

i was in a situation a few years ago when i got involved with someone a month after a painful breakup. to me it was truly a fresh start as i had no intentions of returning to the previous relationship. and i was honest with the new girl about that. and she was honest with me about her issues as well.

 

it didnt work out, and i was devastated. I failed to put up boundaries, failed to consider the ramifications of what i was doing.

 

i had been told to be selfish, to think of myself while dating her - forget the past everyone said, focus on yourself and move on with your future. I failed to consider how SHE felt, though. it was all about ME.

 

it's nice having the attention but lets remember not to mask the true source of your pain. Be aware of it - dont let it rule your life or this promising future relationship - take it slowly. be careful.

[lavenderdove]

I think the only bad thing about rebounds is if you let yourself get too serious too soon... there is absolutely nothing wrong with making friends and dating a bit, as long as you don't make any big decisions too soon (i.e., don't commit to being exclusive or being his girlfriend).

 

Just try to keep it light and give yourself time to get your feet on the ground again before assuming it is going somewhere. You got extremely attached to the ex after only dating a couple months, and you have to try to fight getting too serious too soon with any guy until you really know him and he's more than what you HOPE he will be. In the beginning you have expectations, but who the guy really is won't be apparent until you seen him for a long time in a lot of situations.

 

So keep going to your counselor and talk about how to keep your feet on the ground and not expect/hope too much too soon, so that the relationship is based on reality and not a lot of romantic fantasy.

[jenmar]

Exactly- the more I think about my most recent relationship was the fact that HE was all about I love yous, be my girlfriend, come over every weekend- totally fell into that, I was amazed and happy, and thought wow, this has to be real what guy would do this.. After reading another thread on here, i believe it was in the breaking up section- I realize there are men that rush into that, then bounce once that fun emotion is over and the realness of a relationship sets in. Some men will develope this pattern and do this for a long time, My ex had this pattern as I know a lot of people that have dated him.. hes done the same thing.. not the i love you part, but definatly said its over once the two to three month mark hit.

 

I am perfectly fine with just casually hanging out and getting to know this new guy- we have talked a lot, and know quite a lot about eachother.. not everything of course... but a lot... He told me to take baby steps, its hard, and he understands that- but thinks that I am a great person and its worth it to take things slow anyway- it give us each time to know eachother and our personalities.

Nothing crazy romantic going on, only hugs after each dinner.. light and airy. nothing dramatic.

the previous relationship started out as sex. I think that was a huge issue- but regardless I realize it is definatly over. It just coping and dealing with the reality of it all. I am just hating that i find myself thinking of the happy times.. and wondering what the heck.

I hope this is normal.

[jenmar]

Yesterday was the first day I didn't text him-or call.

I thought about him some.. but not too much, when i did I felt this feeling of annoyance.

 

Day by day I am sure this will get easier. I take comfort in knowing that it wasn't all my fault. Nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome of a commitment phobe and his decision.

 

I can't wait to find the guy that won't be afraid to be with me long term, its kind of exciting. Yes I wish it would have been him, but everything happens for a reason I guess.

 

Flea markets, basball practice, lunch with the family today-- Finally getting out and enjoying my days off rather than sitting by the phone wondering if hes going to call..

[lavenderdove]

Sounds great! A nice busy day! If you keep that up, you'll be feeling great soon!

[jenmar]

Rain has ruined plans, had a nice lunch with the family thought, Ordering Wrestlemania for my son and his little friend tonight, my sisters coming over, should be fun.

 

Wednesday- going to get manicure and pedcure with a friend. dinner with my sister.

Thursday- Date 3 with new guy- Dinner AND a movie, Looking forward to it.

 

Hopefully the ex stays out of my head. I keep thinking about him sort of today- Its getting less and less thought... Sorta afraid to stop thinking about him all together... sounds weird huh..

[lavenderdove]

You're doing great! Just let the thoughts naturally dwindle down... don't try to hang onto them and definitely keep busy, and eventually you will feel fine and he'll be a non-issue for you.

[jenmar]

Day 2 of NC was a success....I almost teted him... almost...but then I remembered how he has treated me, how he has tried to make this ALL my fault.

I guess I am disappointed with the person he turned out to be.

[lavenderdove]

Remember that all you wanted was what most people want when they start dating, a PARTNER they can count on to be there for them.

 

This guy doesn't want to be there for you OR your son, and he's not even responding to texts, so you KNOW he doesn't want to be a partner. That's all you really need to know. Regardless of what you hoped he would be, being your partner isn't what he wants, so no point in continuing to contact him.

[jenmar]

Right, I am not sure what I would be trying to accomplish by trying to get a hold of him- Its just a disappointment that he talked himself up to be different, and wanted the same things I wanted, then in the end he actually didnt.

 

I will not try to text him or call him. I am better than that-- no use in stooping to a lower level and trying to get him to talk to me.

There isn't anything else to say. It would just make me look needy and desperate, which I am not. I am perfectly capable of finding someone that is going to accept me for me, and be there if a I go through a rough time.

 

 

What I have taken from this is the fact that taking things slow in the beginning is better and really getting to know eachother personalities.. I got caught up in the whirlwind of it all.. since he was so eager to move fast I assumed he was serious, because I didn't think a guy would do that.

 

This morning was rough, I think because I had a dream about him... but as the day is going on I am feeling better about the situation.

[yonanz]

hey be strong ok? u gota have willpower! i started strict NC like 2 days after we met for the last time, and 4 days after breaking up. i started on it and have never looked back since. it might be terrible [ it was the first 2 days for NC for me], but after taking that first step it gets better and better. u just ahve to bite the bullet and trudge on. know that NC is both necessary and beneficial. u cant move on if u still dwell on him. NC allows u to calm down, go forward,heal and basically do things u wanna do instead of getting stuck in the same thoughts which aint helping u in any way. what hes doing, what hes up to, is he missing u, is he thiing of u, all of thse are irrelevant. u dono, and u dont care. your focus now should be on yourself, your own life, and moving forward, u want yurself to be in the best possible shape, so u can meet new people, make new memories. stay strong girl!

[jenmar]

It is just so up and down.. idk.

Im upset b/c I had to cancel my therapy appointment this thursday due to my boss not being able to bring her but in here 40 min early so i can go for an hour and come back.

now she has nothing available until april 14th.. so I am feeling a little anxious and sad,

[LazyDaisy]

Right, I am not sure what I would be trying to accomplish by trying to get a hold of him- Its just a disappointment that he talked himself up to be different, and wanted the same things I wanted, then in the end he actually didnt.

 

 

Maybe he initially did want the same things. That's what dating is about, to find out if you will compatible with someone for the long haul. We are only human, and things happen that change our minds and our feelings. In the beginning of a relationship how can you possibly be certain about how you will feel in a few months. You can't. You can't take promises in the beginning too literally. People get caught up in their emotions and say things they mean at the time and what they think the other person wants to hear. It doesn't make him some horrible monster, it makes him human.

 

I'm glad that you are moving on and it seems like you are doing really well, but try not to think of this guy as some mean person who was out to get you. He was just a human being that tried dating someone and it didn't work out. If you think this way instead you won't take it so personally and it might be easier to heal.

[jenmar]

I do not think he was out to get me.. or had intentions of hurting me.

I know he had good intentions, I think the whole relationship thing freaks him out..

He feels that relationships are always fun and exciting.. which yes they should but but there are issues that arise, and if you truly care for one another you work through them. not bail. Honestly I know this had been a pattern for him with previous girlfriends. Once the rush is over, he is out, stays alone for a while then moves on to the next one...

 

I guess at the end of the day it hurts to be rejected from the one you cared for so deeply-- he wasn't willing or felt that I was worth working things out... thats what hurts me the most.

But I guess taht is what break up are.

[jenmar]

I guess my thing is this:

 

If I would have handled things differently then maybe we could have gotten back together.

 

Now he wont speak to me, wants nothing to do with me... and it hurts.. b/c i feel like its my fault.

[LazyDaisy]

I do not think he was out to get me.. or had intentions of hurting me.

I know he had good intentions, I think the whole relationship thing freaks him out..

He feels that relationships are always fun and exciting.. which yes they should but but there are issues that arise, and if you truly care for one another you work through them. not bail. Honestly I know this had been a pattern for him with previous girlfriends. Once the rush is over, he is out, stays alone for a while then moves on to the next one...

 

I guess at the end of the day it hurts to be rejected from the one you cared for so deeply-- he wasn't willing or felt that I was worth working things out... thats what hurts me the most.

But I guess taht is what break up are.

 

Did you know this stuff about him before you dated him or did you find out after? Past history of never having a serious relationship should certainly be a red flag. Had you known all this up front you could have avoided all this hurt. Isn't he friends with your brother in law? Didn't he warn you? I think in this case he might be the one I would be a little mad at.

[jenmar]

I did know this-- i have friends that are friends with girls he has dated, and I was warned.

I questioned him about it in the beginning, I told him if he just wanted casual to tell me b/c I am looking for serious.. he said "no your different I like you soo much blah blah blah

 

when we first were together my brother in law said that he never saw him so happy and was happy for me. then again he also said never met any of his ex girlfriends.. maybe two of them. b/c when he dates he doesn't bring them around friends, he always disappears for a couple months while hes dating someone, then comes around and says "they cheated" "they were crazy" basically always blamed the ending of the rel. on the other person..so my brother n law didnt know any better.

 

So my brother in law is completely annoyed and upset that it ended the way that it did. my ex actually hasn't even spoken to him since Jan, he has tried to call him, but wont return his calls or anthing...

[LazyDaisy]

Yeah, he sounds like he likes the intensity in the beginning. I have a brother who does the exact same thing. He is 46. He will never change. I'm very sorry you got involved with someone like that. Just be glad that it wasn't longer and that your son wasn't real attached. That could have been worse. You sound like an intelligent, thoughtful woman. You will meet someone deserving of you. Remain positive.

[jenmar]

Thank you

I am trying very hard. these boards help a lot.