Coversation after Break up-im left confused

[lavenderdove]

Have you been practicing thought stopping?

 

You really need to try that to break this pattern of your mind wandering back to him at random times and depressing you.

 

Why not set aside 10 or 15 minutes tonight, and refuse to dwell on him at all during the day today, just remind yourself you'll think about him later and get up and do something different whenever he drifts into mind.

 

Then set a timer and for those 15 minutes and think of him all you want, but when the timer goes off, stop and refuse to dwell on him til the next period the next day.

 

You have to break out of the obsessive groove where your mind keeps returning to him... you don't have him physically in your life anymore, but your mind is playing tricks by trying to keep him alive in your mind because you find the idea of him so appealing.

 

It's really like sitting around and thinking about chocolate cake for HOURS a day when you're on a diet. You have to exercise some mental discipline and take responsbility for getting him out of your head, just like you know you can never lose weight if you sit around thinking about cake all the time.

 

Dwelling on him is really destructive and doesn't bring him back, and you need to remind yourself this is a trick you are playing on yourself, keeping him alive in your mind because you don't want to give him up. You need to take control of your thoughts back, and refuse to let him dwell there. It will be a struggle at first, but it is a very effective technique if you practice it diligently.

[yonanz]

Not a good day

I am thinking about him more than ever today, I dont know why.

 

I really miss him, a lot.. I keep thinking of our good times together.. little things, its crazy..I just wish he would call me, but I know that he will not. I know he does not want me or a relationship..

Its awful to want something so badly, only to have it completely out of reach.

 

I am not sure why I am feeling this way at the moment.

 

hey i know its tough girl, but u gotta put in effort to end your miserable thoughts! we all miss our exes terribly after they are gone. i miss mine as well...we were in a close loving r/s for 4 years! imagine the baggage and the hurt i feel.

 

but u got to slowlylearn to let go. i know u want him badly,but in life we must learn not to have our way all the time. we must learn to let go if we cant have that thing, whatever it is. girl, nothing in life is permanent. be happy for the happy memories u once had with him....nothing can take that away from u.

[jenmar]

I know that I miss him, I am wondering if my anxiety issues have anything to do with this... I see the doctor on Friday that is supposed to do an evaluation to see if there is something that lasts longer than the xanax I had been taking for my anxiety since January.

My therapist said that my mind could possibly be wandering back to these times so often for me because of the anxiety I had initially.. its just something else for me to worry about and such.

 

I am not saying some pill is going to make me stop thinking of him or missing him.. but maybe it will let me think clearer and more rationally than I have been doing.

 

4 weeks until I go on my all girl fun in the sun vacation... I am hoping that after these 4 weeks and getting away to a different state that involves a beach I can come back and be refreshed and start the summer off on the right foot.

 

i know I am going to miss him.. I think that sometimes I like to think about him because its all i have of him anymore. just memories.. distant memories..

 

I have to think too.. that these happy times really only lasted a little over two months.. everything after that was sort of down hill... Making myself miserable over two months of "happiness" isn't worht it..

 

Thought stopping has worked today-- I am keeping myself busy with work and listening to music..

[lavenderdove]

For people with anxiety, any stressful event such as a breakup can be magnified, because you have stress from the event, which can trigger even more anxiety and really wind you up.

 

Also remember that those 2 months were full of those new love hormones that really are like a drug... so it's like kicking a strong drug cold turkey to have to give him up before those new love hormones slowly return to normal after you have the familiarity of knowing someone a year.

 

So your biochemistry really does get affected, and it can be devastating to go from that new love high to nothing...

 

So just remind yourself a lot of the 'he was perfect' distress you are feeling is really nothing more than than new love chemical brew that the experience was bathed in... he really wasn't perfect, and unfortunately you had to discover that when you were fully in the grips of infatuation and didn't have time to taper off that.

[jenmar]

That is really logical considering these are the only things that keep popping in my head.. instead of the bad things. like, after a couple months he didn't want to come over to spend time with me and my son, or he blew me off for a party, or just the plain fact that he said he wanted to work it out and just quit speaking to me entirely.

 

its like all the negative stuff is erased and all I can think of is those times where I was completely happy and felt as if things were going perfectly

 

Maybe once I think of something happy I should start thinking of a negative as well... ?

[jenmar]

well today was not the best day...

I went about my day, did the things I said I was going to do, with the exception of exercising..but I seriously thought of him all day-

 

I miss him very much and am heartbroken that he hasn't called me.. I know that he talked to my brother in law a couple weeks ago I am not sure what they talked about, my sister said he mentioned that he talked to him but that was it.. and when i saw my brother in law last week, he asked me if I was okay and I started crying-- he told me that I really need to just let go, because hes a jerk, and can not believe he treated me this way-and I deserve better (everyone says that)

I guess I am disappointed that clearly my ex didn't mention missing me, or regretting his decsion when he talked to my brother in law... I guess in a small way I was hoping that after a while he would grow to regret his decision and want me back. i guess I am finally realizing that it is over.. done.. not that i didn't realize it before, I guess it is just sinking in... Im not like sad crying sad.. just sick.. like my stomach is upset over it..

 

I guess I wish I was that one that would make him realize he wanted a relatoinship.. I wish I was that one that would change his frame of mind and want someone in his life for longer than a few months.. I wish I was special enough to him... but I wasn't.. I was just another girl to him, and to me he was the person I could picture spending the rest of my life with... and now that is not even a possibillity.. the reality is I lost him.. I will never get him back, there is not point for me to sit here dwelling on the fact that he chose to kick me to the curb. But it hurts.. it hurts my heart, my stomach, my ego...

 

I am not sure what triggered these thoughts today- I dont know why this is becoming more and more difficult.. I thought it would get easier.. It has now been three weeks since I have heard from him.. three weeks ago he told me he wanted to work it out, but instead chose to blow me off and ignore every single attempt of me contacting him...

 

Three weeks..... its been almost two months since the actual break up, you would think I would be starting to feel a lot better.. free.. glad that he is gone b/c he treated me so badly toward the end of the relationship and after the break up.

 

But I feel worse..

 

Maybe today was just a bad day, maybe i am just tired and need to rest and relax...

 

Something needs to be done, because honestly I feel like I am going crazy.

[lavenderdove]

that 'crazy' feeling comes when your rational mind knows it is over and the evidence is too strong to ignore, but your emotional brain just doesn't want to give up the idea, but is beginning to grasp it and just panics.

 

So you will get thru this, but your best bet is to try to practice thought stopping and things that prevent thoughts of him from overwhelming you.

 

You need to remind yourself you WILL SURVIVE without him and that you DESERVE a man who loves you and is not a hit and run specialist. My experience with men who do this is that they are basically emotionally hollow people, who are in life for the fun and games and really don't bond with people. He bails after two months, because 2 months is when the woman might start having expectations of exclusivity and responsbility to her in the relationship, and that isn't 'fun' for him. He wants his options always open, and having a steady girlfriend cramps his style.

 

So it is not that you weren't the woman who could make him stay because you weren't good enough, it was that NO woman is good enough because what he wants from life is an endless stream of shallow relationships with women anxious to fall into bed with him in the honeymoon phase, but who he can walk away from after the first flush is over because he's hungry for new excitment.

 

This has NOTHING to do with love and everything to do with excitement and need for variety and unwillingness to be really responsible/connected to anyone. So you can't turn a tiger into a house cat, and that is basically what your statement about wishing you were the one that turned him was about. He is who he is and NO woman is going to do that.

 

For men like this, they will sometimes settle down, but usually only when they are MUCH older and worn out so to speak, and their testosterone levels drop and the urge to chase new women declines. So they may settle down, but not until age 50 or later. That certainly does you no good.

 

The truth is he won't spend the 'rest of his life' with anyone until he's an old man. He will just go thru an endless series of woman, with each a whirlwind romance that ends as soon as he sees the woman getting serious about him, or expecting him to commit to her.

 

So you must use thought stopping to STOP thinking about 'all the good times' and to also stop all the 'if only' thoughts about what might have been. Instead, focus on the reality this guy is a hit and run specialist and no matter what fantasy you had, the person he is is NOT your one true love, and most likely doesn't even really know how to love. He can throw out a good romance for a couple months, but no one can sustain that forever unless he has a real emotion behind it, and he knows it. He just doesn't form bonds with people because he doesn't want to. The problem is YOU need to accept that there is no way that that grand romance phase would go on forever with anyone unless the person is capable of a deep bond, and this is a guy who never forms longtime bonds with anyone because of who HE is, not who YOU or any other woman is.

 

He told you very clearly that he is not that guy who wants a long relationship or family, and you need to accept that and stop blaming yourself or the universe for him not being the person you hoped he would be. He is who he is, and who he is is a hit and run specialist. They have no interest whosoever in a permanent relationship, no matter how 'good' the woman is.

[jenmar]

I am having a hard time grasping the fact that he is a hit and run specialist because in the beginning he was very interested in spending time with me and my son.. talking about the future, how he will always love me- how he would never want anyone else... all these wonderful things... then out of no where it just starts to fade away.. For some reason my mind keeps thinking that he just said that he didn't want a family or anything so that I would just give up.. so that I would just move on.. Thus I then keep thinking I was not good enough for him..

Idk.

I am thinking about this way too much. Its over.. I just want the memories to go away.. I keep thinking back to those memories because its all I have of him anymore and it is disappointing to me.

[lavenderdove]

But hit and run types are very adept at figureing out what people want and giving it to them early on in order to get what they want quickly from them. In other words, if he senses that you are the type who wants romance and forever, he'll TALK about that to get to the sex earlier. Many women who want serious relationships will NOT fall into bed right away and want to be sure the guy will stick around, so the guy 'wastes' months waiting for it when all he really wanted was to get to the sex early on.

 

But if women hear those futuretalk words and 'i love you' etc. early on, they will fall into a physical relationship much more quickly because they assume they are secure if the man is saying those words. So it gets you much hotter for him much faster, and he knows it.

 

Notice how in the beginning you got all that future and family talk, but it rather rapidly changed to 'i'm not the family type'... so which is he? I think he's obviously not the permanent/family type, but he's learned that those words are the magic key to get women to give it up quickly.

 

And once he's got it, and had his fill, the truth comes out. You put too much credance into his words without allowing enough time to see if he meant them or it was just llines to get you into bed quicker.

 

Your brother in law called it right, he IS a jerk. This is what jerks do, say anything to get a woman hot and ready to go, then when they've gotten hot sex for a while, they're off to greener pastures and feeding a new woman the exact same lines.

 

His actions AND his history with other women really prove he's a hit and run type, and what he said in the beginning wasn't true and was meant to get you into the sack, and what he said in the end was the truth all along, that he doesn't want a steady girlfriend or family.

 

You give more weight in your mind to what he said in the beginning because that is what YOU wanted, and what he said in the end is just alien to your way of thinking/being since you want a serious relationship. But what he said in the end matches his actions and history, so that is what he is about, and the early words were jsut something jerks do to get women into bed with them quickly. They entice you there by offering false promises. Once they've gotten what they want and you expect them to pay up on their promises, they move on.

 

Don't run yourself down because he was a jerk and a user. He admitted as much, and his guy friends know it too. You just have to let go of the fantasy that he was ever really available to be a permanent partner, because he just wasn't, not matter what he claimed to get you into bed and to have a fun little fling that he wanted.

[uncomfynumb]

jenmar,

 

Listen to lavnderdove about the thought stopping. Don't do this for a day and stop it but make it a habit.

 

The way that you handle things now, the part of you that obsesses, is also a habit. You can train the way that you think about things, harness and redirect your thoughts. But like anything else, you have to be consistent in retraining your mind.

 

I am not completely against the use of drugs to help people but I really think it is a bandaid and drugs alone will never fix the problem. You have to perform the mental exercises to make yourself stronger until you fix what ever is broken and no longer need the meds.

 

They say it takes 21 days to make a habit. 21 days is a short period of time. Why not try the thought stopping for at least this long and then see how you feel?

 

You do have the power to redirect your thoughts but you have got to want to. If you can't do it for you, do it for your son. Learning to live in the moment will greatly improve your life with your son. I have a 16 year old. Trust me on this one.

[jenmar]

I think it is absolutly crazy that people do this to other people. I asked him in the beginning to tell me if all he wanted was casual, because then I would at least know and not get so attached and what not..

I guess I am just having a hard time coping with it all.. like i said, good days and bad days are constant.. I am waiting for all good days.

 

I am telling the new guy that I need a few weeks to be alone with my thoughts, that I truly like him and do not want to ruin any chances of us having anything because of my emotional state at the moment, All I can do is apologize and hope that he understands. I want to continue to be friends, but I think these once a week dates are just making me think of my ex more.

 

This whole situation is upsetting.. so many people say date, it will keep your mind off of it, but I think its situational.. I think that it doesn't necessarily help if your heart is still with someone else. I think that sometimes it is good to take time, stay alone.. get things straightened out...

 

I do not want to date someone but miss another man. that is not right. I wouldn't want tthat done to me, and even though I was honest and he is being very patient, I do not want to see him a again for a few weeks.

I am not sure how to go about this.. I will have to figure that out.

[lavenderdove]

I don't think dating within 2 months of a breakup is a good idea... At best it is a kind of desperate distraction, and really makes you feel worse... so i think it is a smart idea to tell him you want a rain check in a month or two.

 

You really can't avoid the grieving at the end of a relationship that meant something to you... you have to go thru it, and you can't go around it, though some people throw themselves in a mad rush of dating to try to get over it... but it usually doesn't work early on.

 

But dating really does help once you get past the initial shock/grief, so it's just a question of timing.

 

My suggestion would be to keep up with the new guy via phone calls once a week... tell him you are interested, but too wracked out right now to have it be good for either of you. If he really likes you, he'll be willing to wait a couple months to start dating you again. If he can't wait even two months, then he's rushing things in general and desperate not to be alone... never a good place to date from.

[jenmar]

Today started off rough, but as the day went on and I went about my business the thoughts were less- but still there..

I think its best that I take a while to get my act and mind together.. spend time with my son.. because honestly between the relationship and the break up I probably haven't spent nearly as much time with him as I should have and when I was spending time with him my mind was a wreck.

I know this all sounds awful but I am just being honest, getting it off my chest so to speak.

 

Now it is just finding the way and the words to tell the new guy that I need time... I dont want to lose him completely but this is a chance I have to take, for my sanity.

 

 

 

 

 

I

[jenmar]

Well I didn't sleep well last night- I am hoping today goes better than the weekend... I find it most of the time i am thinking of him on weekends because this is when I used to spend time with him...

 

I didn't realize getting over the emotions in a 4.5 month relationship would be so hard.

[LazyDaisy]

You aren't trying to get over a 4.5 month relationship, you are trying to get over the fantasy that you had built up around this guy that he was perfect for you. You need to look at the real guy instead of this fantasy. The guy that didn't want to spend time with your son, the guy that didn't even buy him a bday present. This guy does not want the responsibility of being a father figure to someone else's kid. He doesn't want a serious relationship.

[jenmar]

I know.. I am not sure why its hard for me to grasp this. I keep thinking... but he said he did.

 

I am hoping time heals.. I am taking a month or so and just working on me. I put so much to the side while dealing with this whole thing that my world is upside down. If that makes sense

 

I need to quit remembering what he claimed he wanted in the beginning, and remember what he said to me during the end.

 

I am not sure why this is so hard for me, I am so frustrated with it all.. especially myself.

[LazyDaisy]

My instincts tell me that it is hard for you because you are looking for someone else to complete your life and you had all your hopes and dreams pinned on this guy. If you were truly happy and independent, you would have kicked him to the curb when he started to flake. Since you are a mom it is especially important that you become happy and completely fullfilled with your life as is, then look for a guy to supplement, not complete your life. You don't want your son getting attached to different guys. I don't think you are at all ready to date. I think you need to take time to yourself, lots of time and when you feel you don't need a man anymore, that is when you will be ready to date.

[lavenderdove]

^^

Yes, i think you were really idealizing a guy you didn't even know. You have that fantasy so high up in the air, you didn't even notice he was pulling away very early on, and that he was also promising things that no good guy would promise at the beginning of a relationship because he didn't know you well enough to kinow whether you were 'the one' or not.

 

I think you were so excited at the romantic picture he was painting you, you threw caution to the winds and decided he WAS perfect, even though you didn't know him well enough to know. And his true character came out rather quickly, if he was already backpedalling after a couple months.

 

I think he's just the type of guy who knows what women want to hear (in order to get them all hot and into bed), and he just said them to get what he wanted (early sex and excitement). So you were taking his words seriously, while he was just using those words as a tool to get early and enthusiastic sex and attention.

 

So you need to focus on the fact that he was NOT perfect, in fact a scoundrel to make promises early on that he had no intention of keeping. You are in love with an illusion, and that is what you need to focus on, that the person you loved didn't exist, and his words were meaningless fluff to get you into bed quicker.

 

In fact, you should be very suspicious of any man who engages in a lot of future talk when you've just met, because he is either one of these hit and run specialists, or a guy without much common sense who gets carried away before he really knows you.

[jenmar]

The funny thing is.. and not that I am proud of this, but we slept together the first night we met.. It was at my sisters wedding-

I gave him the option the next day to just say hey we had too much to drink and leave it at that, he is the one the pursued me, he is the one that made all these ridiculous promises...

 

I am not making excuses by any means.. why couldn't he just leave well enough alone.. I am not saying I have one night stands all the time, infact I was single for a year and a half before we met, I heard of him and what he was about.. so I assumed that the one night together would be it.

 

Its just all so confusing, he could have had his out right there, why wait? why make me believe all these things

 

I know this is definatly a lesson learned, I had never encountered someone that ws so good with his words.. someone that was able to put up such a perfect front.

 

he is a salesman.. maybe I should have known.

[lavenderdove]

Again, he's a hit and run specialist... he likes the big bang, excitement, romance, but when it gets routine or it looks like he has to be accountable to anyone, he's gone.

 

Also, i hate to say it, but when you fall into bed the first day you meet someone, they may develop a false impression of what you want... they may think you're into the idea of a fling and can't possibly take it all that seriously since you don't even know them.

 

My ex-husband was a salesman too! He was all charm and all flash, but it was totally a veneer... they teach them courses in how to 'close the deal' and hurry someone along to get what they want from them. I think sales attracts a certain kind of shallow personality that really has no compunction about manipulating and deceiving other people to get what they want... it is all consider 'good salemanship' to 'game' people in buying stuff from them.

 

So the thing he was misrepresenting you into 'buying' was himself.

 

And he may have been really into you for awhile, but his history is the most important thing... he rushes in, closes the deal, gets a lot of romance and good sex for awhile, then is out again whenever it starts to get serious because he's not interested in family life.

 

I know it is hard for you to wrap your mind around, but you have to keep reminding yourself that regardless of what you hoped or what hollow promises he made, he just doesn't want the same things from life that you do, and doesn't value family and a long term relationship. He probably sees them as stifling and boring and sadly, you can't change that, no matter how wonderful you are, if he finds that routine and boring.

[jenmar]

I just wish I wasn't having such a hard time.

I think some time alone to reflect, and to get my head on straight will help

because you are right, I am stuck in the fantasy that has been created that isn't real. Sadly a small part of me is hoping it was real, and maybe he would come back and realize what he has lost, but I know deep down that wouldnt happen.

 

My brother in law said he probably isn't going to call me, and I shouldn't lower my standards for anyone, and I am better than him, that I should not beat myself up because this wasn't my fault.. I only think its my fault because it was him saying I wasn't doing things right...In reality I probably couldn't do anything right.. because a realtionship is simply not something he wanted.

 

It breaks my heart to know that I wasn't the one for him.. and that whole time I thought he was the one for me.

 

Had we met under different circumstances I dont thinkt he outcome would have been any different.

 

The things I miss are the things he did in the beginning, and honestly if he loved me like he said he did, then he wouldn't have ended it so quickly.. people that love eachother stick it out, work through the trials and such of a relationship. They do not just bail at the first sign of an argument, or what not.

I told my therapist everything that had happened, and she stated that under normal circumstances she is sure that the arguments wouldn't have come about if he wasnt giving me some indication that something was wrong..such as pulling away.. not calling as often.. etc..

She said that I seem pretty grounded and secure, it was his behavior that was making me insecure and I have to stop beating myself up over something I had zero control over. If he truly cared and wanted something long term, we would have worked through it and he would have been more understanding of what I was going through at the time, and been there for me, not critique everything I did and said.

Now if I could only continue to believe this. and stop being sad, and missing him, well the fantasy of him

[lavenderdove]

If another guy is talking about you now 'lowering your standards' for him, and if your ex is a friend of his, that means your brother in law knows this guy is sleazy and bad with women. That should tell you a LOT about not fantasizing he is such a great guy.

 

And it's true that you have ZERO control over someone else, especially if the guy is not being honest with you and you are making choices and decisions based on nonsense he is spewing that he has no intention of doing...

 

And you also have to get a little tough with yourself, as in telling yourself, OK, that's enough, i'm not going to dwell in this fantasy anymore. It just proves how much you LOVE the fantasy, but when a fantasy has no chance of coming true, it is very self destructive and indulgent to continue in it. So you need some get tough thought stopping to do with him too, to get that fantasy out of your head. It's like eating a chocolate cake, sure it feels good to snarf a whole lot of chocolate cake, but it is just not good for you at all.

[jenmar]

My brother in law is seeing how he has treated me the past couple months and especially since he just up and quit talking to me. He think I deserve better than that, and settling for someone that is willing to just bail on me is something I simply do not deserve. Which he is right. My son deserves someone that wants to be there for both me and him.

 

after my ex stopped coming over, he asked my mom why "I thnk boyfriend likes mommy more than me"... I didn't know this until yesterday- It broke my heart in half. I didn't realize what was going on, i didn't realize how much time I was spending away from home.. I was blinded so to speak.

 

I know now that in future relationships I would like someone that will spend time with both of us, because I am a package deal.. my and my little boy.. and if the person I am dating can not deal with that then well I suppose he is just not the one for me.

 

You are right. I need to get strict with myelf and say, hey this is NOT going to ruin me..I am better than this and I will get through this..

 

My ex was 4 years younger than me- he just turned 25-, I am not sure if he realizes what he does.. especially when there is a kid involved. (he definatly had my son fooled as well.. told him he was his best friend!)

 

Blind is all i have to say-- when you think you are in love all other insticts wear off.

 

I guess I was just hoping it was all real. He was handsom, had tattoos and such (which ive always loved, not a necessity but Im just saying) he was very appealing to me phsycially, and emotionally at first.. as time goes on you see what a person is like..

 

Right now I see what he is really like, just heartless. that is my opinion.

[LazyDaisy]

I have been with the same guy since my son was 1. He is now 5. He is really good with my son, buys him stuff, takes him places, babysits for me. Always includes him. We go out about 2 times a month without my son for some alone time, otherwise he is included.

 

That is the kind of relationship you want when you have a child and you will find it. Its probably best not to introduce your dates to your son until it is serious, that way he won't get hurt.

[jenmar]

I understand.

My son already knew my ex because he is friends with my brother in law.. who is practically a father figure to him.. so I didn't see the harm, generally I do not bring any guys I date home.(not that I am going on all these dates with different men, but I hope you know what I mean)

 

I have just told the new guy in an email (tacky maybe... but I couldn't call I fumble over my words when I am nervous) that I need to take some time for myself and my son, He knew this break up was hard on me and I needed some time and wanted to take things slow.. but the more I think about it the more I am realizing I want some time to myself.. get some things straight. I am not sure how he is going to react.. I hope that he is able to give me some space and time.. but if not I guess it wasn't meant to be.

I have to do what is right..

 

I just want to find someone that is right for me and my son..