Coversation after Break up-im left confused

[LazyDaisy]

Ive asked him to just tell me its over.. just say it. and he wont. he just ignores me.

 

Why is this? I dont quite understand any of it.

 

Is it easier, since he has said it before then changes his mind an hour later.. maybe he doesnt want to change his mind and thinks not talking to me is the easiest thing right now.

 

Im so confused.

 

Jen, at this point you just need to leave him alone before he considers your contact harassment. He probably doesn't want to give you the opportunity to talk him out of it. Or maybe he knows that you will ask why and he doesn't want to hurt you any more. Yes, its cowardly, but will hearing it really make you feel any better? You will get closure with time, nothing he can say is going to give you that closure that you are seeking. I had someone do this to me once, we dated for 8 months and never even had one argument. I never got a real explanation. It took about a year to get over it. Nothing he could have said would have made me feel better because in my mind I had myself convinced that were were perfect together. I look at his life now and its nothing like what I would have wanted. Maybe he knew that, or maybe he was just a jerk, but either way, I eventually got my closure.

[lavenderdove]

>>>"We have talked and re talked and thought about the re thought about this whole thing for the past six weeks....hes told me he doesn't mind being alone, that he sometimes prefers it.. that the thought of having a family freaks him out, hes told me to move on."

 

I think he probably believes he's already said everything he can say, therefore nothing for him to say.

 

And my experience is that many man really cannot take the emotional scenes when they finally tell someone it is over, the crying, begging, accusations, etc. He of course knows he's said those things like you're perfect for him, so if he's changed his mind or realized he doesn't really want a family commitment, or you're more serious than he is, then he's going to feel guilty, and probably waffle back and forth for a while, hoping you'll get sick of it and dump him.

 

So I think you already have your answer as to why... he just doesn't want a serious relationship, so he is opting out. If he's never had a relationship longer than 8 months, that really confirms it. He may like the excitement of a new relationship, but once it gets routine or he thinks the girl is getting too serious, he takes off.

 

So I think you are just torturing yourself more trying to get a response from him. He knows your number, and if he wanted to talk to you he would... so please just stop contact, and start your healing. The sooner you accept he doesn't want what you want, the sooner you'll get your life on an even keel again, which you need to do for both yourself and your son.

[im_the_undead]

he probably ignored you when you said you missed him because he feels the same way... but he doesn't want to let you know just yet.. until he sees signs of improvement in the relationship... as in less fighting... possibly because he doesn't want either one of you guys to get your hopes up and then crash and burn if a fight happens again. I'm an expert on fights, i have one everyday. lol it's so sad

 

btw suggesting you go to therapy in order to help your relationship is a verrrry thoughful thing to do. i've done it, yet my bf/ex refuses...because he feels he can solve his own probs. men.

[jenmar]

I do know the answers, I do know that this is more than likely the best way- because when he has tried to tell me he doesn't think it will work, he would change his mind after talking to me, after me telling him how much I love and care for him.

Maybe he would like to be together but knows that in time I am going to want and need someone more serious and he cant promise that.

 

I guess I get sad because maybe one day he will want that- and it wont be with me. and it makes me sad.

It makes me sad that I feel that we ended on bad terms.. b/c of all the calling and texting I did.

 

I dont want him to view me as psychotic or crazy- I want him to know that the reason was me freaking out and handeling it wrong. that I just didnt understand the reason and was hurt.

 

I take xanax for anxiety- so I think this situation is putting it into overload for me.

I have the lowest dosage and am afraid to ask for something higher.. b/c I dont want the dr to think I am addicted or something.

 

 

therapy today in about two hours.. i cant wait.

[feejruin]

jenmar, my heart goes out to you. this is a remarkable saga in many ways and mirrors a situation i find myself in right now - i can relate to your feelings but i am a man. it happens to both sexes.

 

Have you ever experienced anything like this before? You see, the first time i went thru a similar situation, i remember reacting much the same as you - it's ok to text to say hi, its ok to remind her im still thinking about her, one little text wont matter but will be sweet, etc etc only to have that slippery slope hit you. Over the course of the years ive learned that this type of contact really is self-defeating and needs to be eliminated, ASAP, in your recovery.

 

i think ive read some things in obsession/addiction studies that remind us that it's ok to have the obsessive thoughts, to be aware of them, but not to ACT OUT on them. let me point that out to you - you've been acting out on your obsessions, and you need to b aware of that in order to take positive steps forward.

 

As I mentioned before im going thru a similar thing - she said she feels trapped, smothered, owned by me - this is a pattern i've repeated, being NEEDY and CLINGY. as i said, in the past i found it hard to deal with this kind of rejection, and acted out on obsessive thoughts by excessive attempts at contact.

 

At present, it's of small cheer that I've reigned in this thinking. that's progress, only evident to me after years. The thoughts are there but i seem to have the need to ACT OUT under control. I havent contacted her in over 2 weeks - however, she's been contacting me. I've been civil, and more distant - intuitively I realize that it's for my own good not to be drawn into any games she chooses to play.

 

Dont get me wrong though - it remains a struggle as any addiction is. sometimes a minute-by-minute struggle. For instance, at this moment im thinking "where is she. hasnt pinged me at all. shes with someone else isnt she. I hate this" whats gone now is the need for me to pick up the phone and text "Hey wats up where r u how r u" because...while i would LIKE to know...i realize i dont NEED to know.

 

sorry for the long post just venting a little as well. hope it makes sense.

[LazyDaisy]

If he is a rational man he will not view your behavior as psychotic, he will see that you are only heartbroken. Just make sure you stop now. Call someone else, post here. Give your phone to a family member. Anything else.

[lavenderdove]

Honey, i think he already knows that you are not psychotic or crazy... breakups are hard on everyone, and he knows you want to be with him, but he just can't give you what you want because he wants something different, and he knows that.

 

I would talk to the doctor if you need more medication... i think it is great you are going to counseling, and just recognize that if you really accept it is over, you can begin the healing process.

[justbrowsing]

Ive asked him to just tell me its over.. just say it. and he wont. he just ignores me.

 

Why is this? I dont quite understand any of it.

 

Is it easier, since he has said it before then changes his mind an hour later.. maybe he doesnt want to change his mind and thinks not talking to me is the easiest thing right now.

 

Im so confused.

 

I asked the same thing and he responded the same way- with silence. I said my peace to him. I apologized for expecting too much from him and asked if he was ok. I still got silence. So many different scenarios pop into my head as to what he's thinking, but I realized that it's not any of my business anymore. He doesn't want me a part of his life no matter what we shared. I don't deny that it doesn't hurt because it does.

 

It's 4 months since I last spoke to him. And I remember it like it was yesterday. I am holding onto what's left of my dignity and have left him alone. You need to know that he isn't the center of your world- you are (and your son). Focus on yourself. If you need a break up buddy, or just someone to talk to, you can PM me. But please, give him his space. ((hugs))

[jenmar]

When I am calm and thinking rationally I realize that this is the best situation for both of us...I don't deny that he ever had feelings for me, or what we had was real. Sadly I think he would have liked to have wanted something serious and long term, but when it came down to it that just wasn't for him. Not right now. Like I said before what is making me sad is the fact that one day he may want all of that- and it will be with someone else, not me. It breaks my heart

 

I can't sit here and consistently think, what if there is someone else, what if he hates me, what if I would have not called so much this weekend, what if I gave him more space.. its driving me crazy (this is where my xanax comes in- my mind goes crazy as it is, presented with this situation I am on consistent overload)

 

Thinking about him and who he is, I can honestly say i think he feels this is best for both of us. We had to many up and downs since the break up- it was very stressful, very emotional for the both of us.

 

It still makes me sad- of course.. but I really have to think of myself and my son- have not enjoyed life since we broke up....

[john316]

hi jenmar, i can see myself so much in the way you write and think. i messed up so badly after my girlfriend dumped me. i also was way too clingy and needy, and this pushed my ex away. I'll pray for you -- i hope you can pray for me too. I think in my situation, I've pretty much accepted that my ex has moved on, which makes me really sad, but life does get better. it is true. i feel much healthier and have more joy regardless of circumstances. It sucks to be like a leaf, being blown around with any little setback. Inner security and contentment seems to be so key.

[justbrowsing]

 

I can't sit here and consistently think, what if there is someone else, what if he hates me, what if I would have not called so much this weekend, what if I gave him more space.. its driving me crazy (this is where my xanax comes in- my mind goes crazy as it is, presented with this situation I am on consistent overload)

 

Not too long ago someone posted about a book to help in healing: " Four Agreements". I haven't read it, but I looked them up. 1) Don't make assumptions. You don't know what could have/ or should have. Just know you can only control your actions and be proud of how you carry yourself. and 2) Don't take anything personally. He made his decisions because it was best for him-not you. You will drive yourself mad beating yourself up about his actions. It's not fair that he treated you this way.

 

For me what if he hates me plagues my mind. But I know deep down there is no reason for him hating me. Hang in there.

[jenmar]

Therapy was nice.

She said I may be an emotional roller coaster but this guy built the track.

he is clearly a commitment-phobe and is not someone I need or want in my life.

 

He doesn't like his mother because she is controlling, he is not close with his father, he doesn't bring the ladies he dates around family or friends, so he is already aware that its not going to last very long.. so right there are red flags that he could possibly have these issues forever if he doesn't deal with them

She said yeah I may have called one too many times at some point, or sent a text at the wrong time, but these are not things that would annoy someone to the point that they do not want to continue to want to work it out, there are underlying issues that I have no control over.

Its okay to be sad, and go through a mourning period. picking up and moving on is a process.

 

I have an appointment in two weeks for an eval so I can get different medication for my anxiety, and another individual therapy appointment next Thursday

[jenmar]

feeling down today..why is it i KNOW this person is not good for me, and i KNOW he will never want me.. but im still sad and wishing he would call

 

frustrating.

[amontalb]

Hey it sounds like therapy went well and I think it will be really good for you. I know you are sad today and that is normal, but it will get better. Everything you are feeling in completely normal. Keep up the NC and you'll be fine. Turn to your son and family for comfort.. hang in there!

[lavenderdove]

Try to make peace with yourself... by that i mean, turn off the judgments about how you SHOULD be, and just let the emotions roll over you like a wave rather than fight them.

 

And refuse to dwell on thoughts of him. If you find yourself doing so, then get up and do something else to distract yourself.

 

An emotional roller coaster relationship can be quite addicting and consume your thoughts, so you just need some time OFF he roller coaster to stop feeling dizzy. Just don't contact him and proceed with your counseling and healing, and you will feel so much better in a month or so.

[jenmar]

It seems so fr a way

I have this nagging thought of him finally wanting a serious relationship and it will be with someone else.

its killing me inside.

[feejruin]

i went thru something like what im going thru now about 4 years ago.

 

i keep reminding myself that i got thru it then. i will certainly get thru this how. and so will you

[jenmar]

Its just miserable. My head says get over it, my heart says something different.

Today is just getting worse, I want to call him- i want to just ask WHY

 

he ignores me anyway.

[LazyDaisy]

Its just miserable. My head says get over it, my heart says something different.

Today is just getting worse, I want to call him- i want to just ask WHY

 

he ignores me anyway.

 

Please resist doing this. You have already called and left messages and texted him, You do not want to become fatal attraction on him. He has already said that you were probably not suited for eachother because he does not want something serious. You already have your WHY. And yes, maybe some day he will have a serious relationship with someone else. And by that time you will most likely be in a serious relationship also. Maybe you are ready now and he won't be for a few years. Maybe the timing for the two of you is just off. But you need to concentrate on yourself for now, learn how to be happy within yourself and live your own life. That way when the next guy does come along (and he will) you will not be so needy.

[jenmar]

Its hard to let go.

I am fine one minute and sad the next.

laughing one minute and crying the next.

I just wanted it to work.

 

im so frustrated with myself.

I can not believe he would just quit talking to me, just stop speaking all together.. just ignore me like im a no body to him- like I was never anything to him.

 

how could someone just do that? its been an entire week since I spoke to him.. a whole week.

[LazyDaisy]

This is how some people deal with things. Its easier for him to just not talk to you, then to try to explain himself. I know its hard and very hurtful. Do you have any girlfriends that you can lean on? Maybe invite some friends over so that you aren't alone and tempted to call him. Keep yourself busy. Go get some exercise. I'm not sure how old your son is, but can you take him some place exciting this weekend to get your mind off things? I know when I am fighting with my bf this helps me. My son is 5 years old and he makes me laugh and forget about all my troubles.

[feejruin]

This is how some people deal with things. Its easier for him to just not talk to you, then to try to explain himself.

 

 

im struggling today too, with two thoughts - one is as daisy says, its just easier for her to disappear for a while rather than be confrontational with her feelings and with me.

 

the second thought is the more realistic one though: that she's found someone new and is just too busy now to think about me.

 

yeah. i do want to know whats going on really. but i really have no right now as she has no right to know whats going on in my life.

 

what purpose does satisfying jealous curiosity serve after all.

[jenmar]

Its just hurtful how last friday he said he was excited to see me Sunday, and what not, but I have not heard from him since.

I guess I am worried he did meet someone else when he spent time telling me he just wants to be alone- I am worried that he hates me for calling so much.

 

Maybe not speaking to me is easier for HIM, but it is killing me. Sometimes when we talked he would say hes done hes sure he doesn't want to do this anymore, then once we talk for a while he would change his mind. Maybe he just feels bad when he talks to me, guilty maybe..

Idk.

I guess it doesn't matter if hes seeing someone else.. I guess its time for me to do the same.

 

I hate that I am obsessing.

[getting_on_ok]

Can I ask how were you insecure? Are you usually a insecure person? Like in your other relationships.

[jenmar]

It all started when he stopped wanting to have sex often. I would ask him about it and he would tell me he was tired, and I wouldn't believe him- I picked some dumb fights with him, but nothing too too major. I regret it, and yes I had been cheated on in all relationships that I have had thus far,minus of this most recent ex.

 

I started therapy to assist me with my overthinking and was perscribed xanax.. The therapist told me yesterday its not necessarily that im insecure, its that I over think things too much and i have to stop actingo out on these thoughts.

He knew I was going to therapy to assist me with my issues that I had.. but that wasn't enough-clearly.

So now, me with anxiety, has been left wondering what the heck he would just stop calling me for, why he wouldn't just text me and say hey sorry I cant do this, or Ive met someone else.

 

I prefer to think he just wants to be alone- that would make me happier than him being with someone else.

of course.