Coversation after Break up-im left confused

[lavenderdove]

He could have taken you with him to the party, so that doesn't make sense. I agree that maybe he saw your friend and knew you'd find out, so he left because he was caught in a lie.

 

I also agree that there is no such thing as 'try harder to see you'... what's stopping him, is he locked in his room unable to escape. He can see you/call you/be with you anytime he wants, and if he's not doing it, it's because he doesn't want to see you, period.

 

You are sitting around waiting for this guy to text you, call you, see you, but he's nowhere to be found. He's being extremely unreliable here, and jerking you around.

 

He was able to make dates with you before and see you and be with you, so why not now? These are all just excuses. People who want to work things out SEE YOU and spend time with you and work things out. They don't spend a lot of time telling you why they CAN'T see you, and he is spending next to no time with you, so how can you possibly work things out if he won't see you.

 

I'd suggest you tell him that you need a break for a month, with no contact, and if after the month he still wants to see you, he start doing so (not just talking about it, doing it).

[amontalb]

"he is clearly playing mind games with me and I need to just move on.. no more calls no more texts no more falling for his tricks. He said he doesn't want to work it out, then changes his mind.. obviously this person is confused and doesn't know what he wants"

 

You are making so many excuses for him. You seem to be on track but as soon as he says something you go back to making more excuses for him. It's simple... if he wants to be with you, he will. You are miserable and always thinking about him and having to put up with him wanting you then rejecting you. Chances are, he will reject you again.

 

You need to move on girl, at least for now. No more thinking. Do yourself a favor and listen to everyone on this forum.

[uncomfynumb]

Gosh it seems like you are right back to where you were when you started this thread...

 

You have left the decision up to him to make and he still can't make it so now you have to make the decision for both of you.

 

Everytime you talk to him, see him in person, an email or on a social networking site, etc., you will experience a set back. He needs to understand this. Tell him to leave you alone unless he 100% certain that he wants a relationship with you, not anything short term, but a serious exploration into a deeper commitment and marriage.

 

You are such a sweet person. You deserve so much more and you will have that. Your ex has taught you a lot. I believe the next man that you meet and fall in love with will be the one that is for life.

[lavenderdove]

I think what he wants is for you to be available for him SHOULD he be in the mood to see you, but that you have no real expectations that he has to be serious with you. That is the one thing he seems to be repeating, that he is not a 'family man' nor does he want a serious committed relationship.

 

I think the problem is that he knows he can get his needs met with you (sex, someone who makes him feel good), but he doesn't want to pay the price of being a full time boyfriend and responsible to you. He wants to show up when he's in the mood, but otherwise owe you nothing. So his waffling back and forth is really him trying to keep the relationship casual. When he wants to see you, he sucks you back in. When he doesn't he pushes you away.

 

There is really nothing in this for you, since what you want is a steady boyfriend you can count on. You just can't count on anything from him, especially since he's already said he doesn't want a steady 'family' type relationship with you. I'd just tell him to only call you if he's serious again, wants to see you a few times a week etc. Tell him exactly what you want, and don't settle for anything less.

[uncomfynumb]

I totally agree with Lavenderdove on this. And I think it is hard to swallow because we don't understand this "human nature."

 

I got so mad at my ex for doing basically the same thing. The only difference is that I put a stop to it from the beginning.

 

Sometimes it is confusing and over whelming for people when they are in the midst of a relationship that has gone from fun to serious. It doesn't mean that they don't care; more than likely they do. They don't want to hurt you and they don't want to let go either because they do care. But they aren't sure either.

 

That is ok. But there comes a point and time when you have to make it all about you and that is when someone checks out. You simply can't continue to hold on after a certain point otherwise you waste your time, energy and your life.

 

You have a child that only has one good shot at a childhood. If there is any person that is truly deserving of all your time and energy it is him.

 

You will get through this. And you will be better for it.

[jenmar]

Well I finally did it.

I told him not to call or text me until he is ready to be a man and make this work, no more games.

 

He told me he wanted to work it out, I fell for it.

Everything was Okay the entire week, then today when we were supposed to do something he was no where to be found.

 

Done, he will NOT have control over my emotions anymore. this isn't fair to me, my son, or my family. I have been absolutly miserable since he broke up with me about 6 weeks ago.

 

He never replied to that text, but I dont care. well right now I dont. This is going to be hard, but I need someone there for me, I need someone to make me HAPPY, not miserable.

[LazyDaisy]

Hello again. I read back over some of your past posts. As one mom to another, I just want to say, it seems like you are better off without him. You really need to think about your son and what is best for him. Based on your posts, this guy doesn't seem like he is interested in your son - you said he didn't bring a gift or card to his birthday and doesn't want to spend any time with him. So when you spend time with him it always means time away from your son. Some time away is good, but this situation really doesn't sound fair to your child. I know that you are upset and heartbroken, but try to look at the big picture. When I first starting dating my BF I told him me and my son were a package deal. I can go out without him sometimes, but I will always be his mother and the relationship has to work into that or it won't work.

[jenmar]

Thanks, That is what made me realize... My son is too important, and this guy is sucking all the emotion and energy right out of me.

 

I will get past this, I am better than this, I will move on.

 

Now.

When do I start believing this.

 

NC day one. here we go.

[amontalb]

Things will get better. You wont believe it at first, but Ive been NC for about a month and a half now and it is still hard, but I am doing better. I still miss him, but not as much.

 

You need to be strong and even if this guy does come back and want a relationship you have got to say no and move on. You can do it!

[jenmar]

its disappointing that he chose this route, he could have just told me- Instead he was childish and rude and ignored my phone call. and never bothered to say anything.

 

 

Relationships are hard. regardless of the situation, feelings are involved and when it ends it hurts.. it hurts alot.

 

But I have to take control of my life and emotions, i have been absolutly miserable for almost two months now its sad that I let someone have all of that control while hes out living his life.

 

He had not respect for me or my feelings this weekend or at all.

 

Time to move forward. and I am doing just that- I have a dinner date tomorrow night

 

 

don't worry I am not jumping into anything, just a friendly date. it will be refreshing I think.

[uncomfynumb]

Your ex even had me fooled. I really thought he was sincere and trying. I can't believe he would do this to you knowing how sensitive you are.

 

Some men and stupid and some are asshats. Your ex is an asshat.

 

I'm glad you are feeling strong now girl. You keep up the good attitude.

 

Do you have plans on how you are going to handle it if he tries to suck you back in again?

[jenmar]

It makes me sad that I wasn't even worth a phone call.

Not worth, a hey lets be friends.

 

Nothing.

[jenmar]

i just want to call and ask why- why was everything OK, he says he wants to work it out and then I never hear from him... who does that? that is so hurtful. it makes me so sad.

 

sad sad sad.

 

I even texted him yesterday and asked what the deal is. no response.

 

I thought he cared.

[lavenderdove]

Look, it's obvious he is doing whatever is easiest for him or whatever he is in the mood for, with no regard whatsoever about jerking you around.

 

But remember that what you see is what you get... this is who he is, someone who wants all his options open, and doesn't feel like he has to be responsible to you in any way. So asking him why won't do any good... he just did what he wanted to do, which is blow you off. That might not be something YOU'D do, but obviously is something he is comfortable doing.

 

Just stay in no contact. How many times will you fall fo rhe 'i want to try' only to get slapped in the face again with the reality that his 'trying' is basically him doing whatever he wants when he wants. I'd just let him go.

[HopelessRomanc]

This situation is pretty similar to mine.

He said the spark is gone, that he doesn't have strong enough feelings for me. We took a break for two weeks then got back together. He said he really wanted it to work out and that he doesn't know what's wrong with him because he should have feelings for me. He said he wanted to keep trying but he doesn't want to string me along incase it doesn't work out. After reading your posts jenmar I want to ask him if we can try again. I know he wants to try, but I don't want to push anything or smother him.

 

I know just how you feel. I read another of your threads where you spoke about your insecurities and how you assume the worst. I do that to. I have gotten better with this ex, but the last one was a disaster. I always assume the worst or that if he doesn't answer or reply and he tells me his battery died or something I have trouble believing him.

 

I did really well at NC at first, for the first week we only spoke once to organise giving each other stuff back. But then when we saw each other everything clicked again and we hung out like nothing was wrong. So now I can't seem to find the line between casual and being an annoying ex. He contacts me a lot, on facebook mostly but he texts me sometimes to.

 

I'm just lost.

[jenmar]

Everything was great when we met for dinner a couple weeks ago-

Then it just got to be a mess.

 

Now we aren't even speaking- he hasn't returned my calls or texts. its like I never existed.

My heart is broken, I am so sad.-

 

i miss him very much,

[lavenderdove]

I'm sorry Jen. But at least you know what you need to do now... Just quit texting him, and trying to keep this thing going when it's obvious that it jus isn't working out. The sooner you quit turning to him, the sooner you get over it.

 

Go back to filling your life with friends and family and focus on your son and getting emotionally healthy.

[jenmar]

I have been doing a little better. I cry a lot- I thought he was the one. Sadly I keep remembering the good times, the beginning, the closeness we had, how nice it was.

I miss that a lot- I miss talking to him-

 

I know its been about 6 weeks since the actual break up- maybe if we would have been in NC since then I could be better by now-

 

Its frustrating to me that he just quit talking to me. Everything was good friday- then over the weekend something happened and its like I am nothing to him-

He is good friends with my brother in law and wont even speak to him.

 

I deeply cared for him, I really thought he wanted to work it out, where did I go wrong is what I keep asking myself.

 

I know it was only a 5 month relationship, but it was so intense and nice... in the begnning.

 

I know I need to move on. its actually doing it that is the scary part.

[lavenderdove]

Jenmar, his pattern is such that i think there is a very good chance he is dating someone else as well as you... He was trying to restrict your access to him, which might well mean he was experimenting with a new woman (or women) and was easing out of your relationship while moving into a new one. Perhaps he had a great weekend with someone else, and just drifted off after her...

 

Sadly that is a common pattern... but regardless, he just isn't available to you, so you really need to practice thought stopping and let him go.

[jenmar]

I dont really think it was anyone else. I am sure its possible, but Idk.

I think its possible that we have gone 6 weeks with little to no progress and maybe this is just his way of saying its not going to work and hes tired of it.

 

Regardless I wish we could have ended on a good note.

Not knowing the full reason is kiling me and making me really sad.

[headwreck]

Sorry I'm dipping in at the end of this thread and haven't read it all so apologies if I'm wrong....

 

Going on the time you were together and the way he is acting it seems like he has freaked himself out.How old is he? He has put pressure on himself for this relationship to work and thus it is not. So he has ceased to want a relationship, one of the most important aspects of any relationship in my opinion.

 

My advise its go NC. I don't always think that is the way, but contact will be very painful if you don't have a reason he is treating you like this.

[jenmar]

He just turned 25.

He is known for not havnig serious relationships.. the longest rel. he had was 2-3 years ago and it was 8 months.

 

I know in my head that it wouldn't have worked.. he had stated he wanted a relationship in the beginning.. but then it got to be too serious.. Its so hard because he said he loved me, and I was perfect for him, and we were perfect together.. its like one day something snapped for him and I wasn't what he wanted anymore.

I have a son, I need serious, I cant have someone flake out on me at the first sign of problems.. I explained this to him in the beginning, and he was making sure to spend all this time with the both of us.. after two months that stopped and it was just me going over to his house and watching movies..there was not time with all three of us anymore. Which bothered me.

 

I just really miss what he was in the beginning, I miss that connection, that time we had.. but it was short lived, that is what I am hanging on to- that is waht I am still hanging on to.

 

I tried to call him today- he didn't answer or return my call of course.

I texted him and said if there is someone else just tell me and I would understand.

 

I have begged and pleaded for an answer, something, just to end it on good terms some how..but he will not speak to me and it is really killing me.

I have cried a lot today- its tearing me up inside.

[headwreck]

He just turned 25.

He is known for not havnig serious relationships.. the longest rel. he had was 2-3 years ago and it was 8 months.

 

I know in my head that it wouldn't have worked.. he had stated he wanted a relationship in the beginning.. but then it got to be too serious..

I have a son, I need serious, I cant have someone flake out on me at the first sign of problems.

My heart is with him right now. its broken and I keep crying. Sadly I tried to call him today and sent him a text.. like hes going to respond.. he wont.. and that is what is killing me.

 

Yes it definitely sounds like he doesn't want a relationship. And I mean that literally not in the way most men throw it about!

 

This sort of break-up is so hard because it really is wrong time and place. You probably are compatible and all these silly little fights you have would make no difference if he wanted a relationship, but he doesn't want one.

 

I really don't understand these men that are so in love for the first months and then turn. Sometimes i think they are too romantic. Maybe it's because deep down they don't want a relationship that they can't cope when the honeymoon period ends. My ex was mad about me, and when he broke up admitted that we 'worked' but he said if it was meant to be he wouldn't have any doubts. To me that is just immature, everyone has doubts., it's how you deal with them and how strong they are that is important.

[jenmar]

Right, he said that it was great at first, then the arguing and such was getting to him, he couldn't deal with it. Which I understood and we worked on that for about a month. When he broke up with me six weeks ago, he told me some things got better but others stayed the same, its like he didn't have patience to see if things would completely get better for us.

We have talked and re talked and thought about the re thought about this whole thing for the past six weeks....hes told me he doesn't mind being alone, that he sometimes prefers it.. that the thought of having a family freaks him out, hes told me to move on, then says well i could try harder, then tells me he just loves me as a friend then tells me were going to try and work it out.

 

It was an emotional roller coaster, I guess now I know what it is and will have to deal with it accordingly.

 

I just really miss him I hate that I lost him.

[jenmar]

Ive asked him to just tell me its over.. just say it. and he wont. he just ignores me.

 

Why is this? I dont quite understand any of it.

 

Is it easier, since he has said it before then changes his mind an hour later.. maybe he doesnt want to change his mind and thinks not talking to me is the easiest thing right now.

 

Im so confused.