Coversation after Break up-im left confused

[lavenderdove]

If this is his pattern, then there is nothing you could have done, because he wants the 2 month honeymoon period, then he wants out! So this is just what he does.

 

I think the only thing you did 'wrong' if one could call it that was to try to hang onto him when he was on his way out, with too much clinging and texting and trying to talk him into it. My attitude (learned with maturity) is that if someone tells me they're not sure they want the relationship (or they only want an extremely casual one), i just say, fine, there's the door, use it, you're free, call me if you change your mind and want a serious relationship. Then that's the last they hear from me.

 

You can't make someone want to stay, or make them want you, and if someone doesn't want commitment, the more you try to keep them the harder they run. You just have to keep a very clear eye on what YOU want, and if you're getting anything other than that, and the other person won't work with you, then just kick them to the curb and save yourself a lot of time and heartache.

 

But don't miss the point that if he doesn't want a family or serious relationship, NOTHING you could do would keep him around. This is what he does, i.e., he likes these hit and run situations where he gets the maximum romance and pleasure with the least amount of responsbility and expectations.

 

So i agree that if someone really is a responsible type guy who is looking for a serious relationship, he won't jump in with both feet because he wants to be sure it is right, and doesn't want to hurt you or himself getting too involved too quickly. I've found every guy who puts the big rush on in the beginning, usually turns out to be the same guy who disappears in a puff of smoke, or turns out to not be who i hoped he would be... he's putting the rush on so he can get in and out quickly, before you even realize what hit you.

[jenmar]

I think its so crazy, I have never experienced anything like this before- I was blindsided...

a part of the day I realize that there was nothing I could have done, it wouldn't have mattered, at one point he would have left anyway-

the other part I can't help but think I did something wrong, made him get the wrong impression, especially the last few weeks.. when he was going back and forth between wanting to work it out and not, maybe I was overbearing, and demanding.. idk.

I guess all of this doesn't matter, its over.. I havn't heard from him, I need to stop... I need to let these thoughts get out of my brain..

I think a lot is the anxiety.. not that im blaming it all on that.. but I think it has a big part in how I am constantly thinking what if. maybe not.

 

I take comfort in knowing that this is just a type of guy, sadly I had to experience this.. I now know jumping in with both feet is a red flag.. I didn't know this before, it thought it was rare.. sincere.. and what not.

 

I learn so much about this every day.

[jenmar]

Woke up today feeling blah

I hate that i think about him, I hate that I wonder if I could have done something different to keep him around.. I wonder if I had gone NC right after the break up if he would have come back...or even better.. I would be OVER it by now.

 

Seriously we were dating for 4.5 months.. not years.. What the heck, im getting so frustrated with myself.

I hate that he quit talking to me, I hate that i keep wondering if there is someone else. I hate that no one seems to know anything.. (not that im crazy asking people, but you know what i mean)

its just frustrating to KNOW someone wasn't good for you, to KNOW that you NEED to move on and forget it.

but you cant.

 

I hope today gets better.. I seem to have issues in the mornings, then im ok for the rest of the day.

[jenmar]

almost texted him today to ask if hes seeing someone else.

but I didn't, its taking everything I have not to.

[LazyDaisy]

Please don't text him. Someday you are going to be over him and you will look back on this and wonder why you cared so much. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he devasted you.

[jenmar]

I just want to know why he just stopped talking to me,

it is bugging the heck out of me.

Like if it was someone else, just say so.. if he thinks its better this way, just tell me

Dont just drop off the face of the earth.

 

Ugh idk what is WRONG with me.

[lavenderdove]

Everyone is 'crazy' the first month or two after a breakup... it is just a shock to be separated from someone you cared about and wanted, and it takes awhile for those feelings to fade. So don't get mad/frustrated with yourself, considering it hasn't even been 2 weeks since you last talked to him... just try to distract yourself and let time pass to heal you.

 

And you KNOW why he quit talking to you. Everytime you talked to him when he said he wanted to leave, you'd try to convince him to stay. It sounds like the relationship has been falling apart for a couple months, but you keep holding on, texting, asking him to stay, etc.

 

So i think his silence means he's really made up his mind to leave, and he knows talking to you will just be more of the same... trying to talk him back into it again, and desperate texting etc. So he is just disappearing to get his point accross, that it is over. It is certainly not the nicest way for him to leave, but i think it shows he's made his decision and didn't think there was anything more to say.

 

Also, the desire to keep talking to him is really the desire to keep the relationship going... you don't want it to be over, so any excuse to talk to him works... Really, all he can say to you at this point is, 'i don't want this, i'm sorry...' so you have to take his silence as the same thing.

[LazyDaisy]

There is nothing wrong with you. You are looking for closure. Its perfectly natural. Maybe at some point he will eventually respond. He probably figures at this point you will be so angry with him that any conversation right now is not going to be a good one. With each day you will expect to hear from him less and less until you eventually aren't really thinking about it at all. Hang in there. Time does heal.

[jenmar]

its just the what ifs. i keep thinking of.

Yes it has been falling apart for a while, since january actually, its the first time we broke up.. then he called and said he wanted to work it out b/c he loved me and I said okay.. and everything was fine.. great even for a few weeks..then we argued again, and again..

then the second break up was in Feb... I feel the past couple weeks I got the feeling that he agreed to try to work it out b/c he felt bad..

I think in the end he knows that he cant give me a full relationship.. which is what i want and need.. and what i had expected from the beginning.

its just a tough pill to swallow.

He probably felt that no matter what he said it wasn't getting through to me that it was over.. so silence is the only way to really get it in my head.

deep breaths..

I just hate feeling like this. knowing that someone wasnt really all that great for me and my son anyway... and not being able to just accept it and just move forward.

 

and just the feeling of rejection all together...

 

the guy I met through match wants to go to dinner and bowling thursday.

Im excited to see him which is why i hate thinking about my ex. it sucks.

[lavenderdove]

Remember that he obviously really liked you a lot, so he wasn't rejecting you personally so much as recognizing that you and he wanted very different things. It's not enough to like or be attracted to someone, you have to have common goals and a desire to live the same kind of lifestyle to make anything last more than a few months. Everyone has a nice honeymoon period fueled by attraction, but eventually the reality of differing goals/expectations sets in, and if there is a big divergence, the relationship implodes.

 

And he has a pattern of quick hit and run relationships. Maybe he is someone who just likes a totally light relationship, and wants no responsibility. So he could like you very much and have feelings for you, but if responsibility turns him off, any relationship he is in has a short lifespan.

 

Just go out and have fun, and try to let those random thoughts about him just float away when they crop up. It's really too soon to expect that you won't think about him at all, or not want him, when you haven't had sufficient time to put it behind you. It's like you can't run on a broken leg in a week after it happened, and you can't emotionally be happy/whole only a week or two after a breakup. Just remind yourself it WILL pass, it just takes time.

[jenmar]

Good morning all.

Woke up.

thnking abouth im again- one day it will stop.

I have a fun day today planned.

Manicures and pedicures followed up by lunch wth a good friend, then taking my sister to her doctors appointment, some shopping then dinner...

 

Slowly but surely I am getting out and living my life, once the memories and the disappointment stops I think I will be fine.

[lavenderdove]

Excellent! Enjoy your fun day!

[jenmar]

Had a nice day- Home relaxing now-

Although, My sister and I were talking about her welcome baby party she will be having in August.. then I thought OMG.. what if my ex comes.. (since hes friends with my brother in law.. ) so the past hour I have cried.then stopped, then cried again.

Why am I worried about this, its like 5 months away.

Now I have been thinking about how crappy the ending was.. how we didn't end on good terms.. how I dont want it to be akward when and or if I see him...

Thinking about how I asked if we could end on good terms and he never responded.

 

Great.. I was feeling good. what is wrong with me, why am I so sad over this Possiblity of seeing him.. it was such a rush of emotion..

 

I hate this

I hate breakups.

I hate being sad,

I hate feeling rejected.

 

before I felt free... happy.. Okay with this, as there is other possiblities of me finding someone and being happy.

 

Ugh is all I have to say now.

[lavenderdove]

You'll be OK... remember it's only been a couple weeks since you last were in touch with him, so it will take time.

 

And honestly, men frequently don't like 'welcome baby' parties, so i wouldn't count on him showing up for a baby party regardless...

 

Just ask your sister to tell her husband not to invite him where you'll be for a while, til you get over it.

[jenmar]

Thanks, as always I think the break up mixed with my anxiety really made me almost have a break down..

 

I took some deep breaths.. and came here. Now I am feeling a tad better.

She said she isn't going to send him an invitation.

I will ask her husband myself not to invite him to anything until I am comfortable with that.

He has been really sensitive to this, feels awful that his "friend" has behaved this way... hes actually the one who told me to tell him to have a nice life and delete his number.. especially since he doesn't even call him anymore..

 

This is a process.. boy is this a process..Therapy tomorrow morning.

[jenmar]

Hello

I had therapy today.

She opened my eyes to something.

That maybe there is nothing "wrong" with me. I just have been dating guys that are not ready for commitment and all of the things that go along with a commited relationship

 

She stated that if my ex was ready for a commited relationship like he claimed to be in the beginning, then he wouldn't have bailed when I went to him regarding my anxiety and tried to help rather than complain about everything I said or did, or my attitude if i was having a bad day.

... she said that my actions weren't anything out of the ordinary since the ex was clingy to begin with, then when he pulled away anyone would naturally think something was wrong. She feels that he blamed the fighting and the insecurities on me, but from an outsider looking in, it would be natural to feel that there was something to be insecure about since he was the one that initiated the I love you, lets be exclusive, come over 4 days a week, ect..

.

[lavenderdove]

He was definitely jerking you around and changed his mind mid-stream, and that can be very confusing and bring out all kinds of 'needy' behavior, that is really more about panic and confusion as to why things have suddenly done a 360...

 

So that is a good observation!

 

Keep at it, you're getting better!

[jenmar]

Went on date three.. Very nice.. Had dinner then a walk in the park.

I really like him, and miss my ex at the same time, its so weird. I dont think of him when I am with him, its after that I think about it..

 

 

My therapist said take it slow and give it time, give the guy a chance. but be up front with how taking slow is important.

I did. and he is okay with this, wants to see me again next week.

Getting to know someone is good, it shows I am not going to keep dwelling, that I am taking steps to move forward..

examples, I have planned a mini vacation to visit a friend in Florida, Enrolled in classes for the Fall, dating someone new.....She said with time and therapy.. along with the anxiety medication I should be fine...

 

 

I really enjoy therapy. she is making me see things differently and challenging my mindfram of this whole relationship- No I wasn't perfect.. but anyone in that situation would have acted differently than normal.

I feel like I wasn't given a fair chance because he didn't want to give me a fair chance. And that hurts, it literally breaks my heart into peices..

 

I still cry. I am not sure if that is normal. but really, what is normal? especially when you lose someone you cared for.

[incaangelique]

This is great! I am glad you have been seeing this therapist. She sounds good for you. It sounds like you have been blaming yourself for the break up, thinking it happened because you were not good enough. Sometimes it just about two people being in different stages of what they want from life.

You are making progress. Love yourself. You sound like a smart and sweet woman.

[jenmar]

woke up sad today- very sad.

I miss him a lot.. I hate this

[1guygirl]

woke up sad today- very sad.

I miss him a lot.. I hate this

 

ride it out hunny...from reading your posts you have come on leaps and bounds, so dont worry that this lil step back is the way its gunna stay...its not

 

be gentle with yourself and treat yourself to a nice hot bath with sea salt and some essential oils (rose is a great one for break ups...and self love)

 

its not over yet, but youve faced the worst and its behind you now, tho sometimes its natural to look back, its not gunna change your direction of moving forwards

[jenmar]

I am trying. I was feeling great yesterday-

I went on date 3 with the new guy. everything was nice, THEN later that night he mentioned the word girlfriend and I got freaked out. I am NOT ready for that at all... made me think about my ex and how much I missed him and what we had..

so i cried..

Idk how to mention to the new guy that I am not ready for girlfriend type things yet.. just dating.. slowly.. I like him.. i have such a great time with him.

ugh.

[jenmar]

still in a bummed mood.

I miss him today-

can't wait to go home and curl up on the couch to watch a movie and get some sleep.

I hate this.

[JAZZROCK]

do wat u have to in order to make it thru. ill keep u in my prayers

[jenmar]

I really dont understand why today has been so hard for me.

Maybe its officially two weeks since he has contacted me.

Maybe its the fact that the guy I went on 3 dates with mentioned the word girlfriend and I completely freaked out.

Something is not right today.

Time to go to bed forget today happened and hopefull tomorrow is better.

 

I hate missing my ex so much, I hate that I just simply miss hearing his voice.

 

Why is this getting harder?