Coversation after Break up-im left confused

[jenmar]

Therapy was fairly interesting

She told me that a lot of the reason i am having a hard time letting go is the my anxiety problem. She feels that once I am properly diagnosed I can get medication and go from there.

Discovery made today--- the issue with my hpv, I felt that I lost everything when my ex dumped me because he understood and "didn't mind" the fact that I have this, and more than likely gave it to him... I am holding on because once I finally let go, I am realizing that I have to move on with someone else.. and its a possibility that I may find someone else, and they will not be accepting of the issue.

She did suggest just not saying anything about it since 80% of my age group has it she said "quite honestly, I know that this may sound bad but I would not say a word, and if something comes up I would say I didn't know" I was rather shocked.. I am not sure I could do that- her justification was the fact that it is so common..

I really do not think i could do this

The new guy knows already- he said that is not something that would keep him from dating me, which is nice.. I just need time.. idk

 

Today hasn't been too bad, this morning was rough but I feel better after my therapy session.

Next Tuesday is when i find out what fun medication they want to put me on.. I am not a huge fan of being all doped up, and trust me this will be stated- I just know that I need something, its been an issue in the past, its time to finally deal with it as an adult and get my life straight.

[valley]

I with you on that. I'm shocked she said that too and can't fathom why. What a horrible thing to say.

 

If a guy really loves you, he will really work on that with you and not let it deter him. However, to lie and say you "didn't know" you had it is downright appalling and ridiculous.

[lavenderdove]

Many people really overreact to HPV. It is true that 80% of the population has it... And if you are out having sex, most likely you will get it at some point or another. And the body can and does remove the virus on its own usually, and most people don't even know they have it... it's a wart virus, it is everywhere like the cold virus.

 

I think the therapist has this in perspective from the standpoint of it would be like tearfully disclosing to someone you've been infected with a flu virus, or chicken pox or anything else. as long as you don't have an active infection and have had it treated, you shouldn't overreact to it.

 

If you've been treated for it and are coming up negative on the tests, then i wouldn't disclose because the body has cleared the virus. If you have an active infection and are still being treated, i would use condoms until that has cleared, and would tell someone before having sex.

 

it is not on the order of having the HIV or herpes viruses in terms of impact or seriousness or incurability. Yes, some strains *may* lead to cervical cancer, but then eating non-organic fruit with pesticides from the grocery store can lead to cancer as well. It is a question of evaluating risks and getting screened for health issues like anything else, to prevent serious consequences.

 

So you have to do what you think is right in terms of disclosure, but also recognize that it is not something that should seriously limit your dating choices. There will be some people out there who are phobic about it, but most educated people recognize the difference between having once been infected with HPV and having the more serious diseases that have much greater risk factors.

[jenmar]

I think she was trying to get me to realize that it is really common, I was fairly suprised that she told me that is what she would do if she were in the position I am in. She said she would hope by the time that I was ready to sleep with someone that I would be close with this person, that I may feel comfortable enough to talk about it.. but if not that is what she would do- this virus doesn't define me as a person.. She said that I need to take a step back and realize that it isn't as serious as other things I could have contracted via sex.

 

I was told my doctor that I will always have it, it could clear up in a couple years, but I was just diagnosed with it in early November. I do take care of myself, get treated, I had even had surgery to remove the precancer cells.

The doctor even told me it is my decision if I would tell someone that I am dating, or what not.. when I found out my doctor told me I didn't necessarily have to tell my partner (then boyfriend now ex)- I guess I am shocked that professionals have told me this- then again I understand how common it is.

 

For some reason her telling me that made me feel a little more comfortable and less stressed about it.. I have actually been really upset and felt "abnormal" since the diagnoses. I think it is why I am taking the break up so hard.. because I felt that I could not find anyone else that would understand and be willing to be with me knowing there is a risk I could pass it along to them.

 

I did disclose this information to the new guy.. of whom I am taking time apart from, He knows, knows the risks (he didn't even know what it was, I had to explain) and said that isn't a huge deal and he still thinks I am great. this was almost a month ago that I told him

 

So idk.

[lavenderdove]

I think the counselor was trying to put it in perspective for you... really, some men are absolutely phobic about ANY thought of something affecting their ding-dong, but honestly most men will assume all kinds of risks, including drunken one night stands that might impregnate a stranger or a hooker, in order to get laid. And if they really LIKE the woman, they won't think twice. No value judgment there, just the reality of how most people operate.

 

Fear of AIDs is certainly well justified because of the potential fatality, but HPV is more of a speedbump on the road rather than driving off a cliff, and that is how most educated people look at it.

[jenmar]

All in all I felt the session helped me, as always

I got to talk about the ex.. and how I had to tell the new guy I needed space.

She thinks that once I get my anxiety under control I will be okay-

She really challenges my thoughts- and I like that.

I broke down about the Hpv issue because I am high risk for cervical cancer now- My doctor said that its possible I will eventually need a hystorecotmy (sp) if this virus doesn't clear up and continues to produce the pre cancer cells.

It is really scary as I am only going to be 29 and would like to have another child one day.

But she told me there are other doctors and opinions and options.. and the main focus needs to be ME.. taking care of myself emotionally and medically.

which I am doing.. for the past couple months I have been out of it, smoking, having drinks.. not sleeping or exercising.. eating awful greasy food..

but the past couple weeks I really stepped it up and started getting back to working out, taking vitamines, sleeping well.

She does not feel that is going to be as hard to date as I think it is going to be. Because Lavender like you said-- its like tearfully explaining I had chicken pox, or I have the flu.

I am not going to sleep around, but I think with future relationships I will handle the hpv issue as I see fit, and who knows, by the time I am ready to date and become serious with someone it could be cleared up.

 

again, anxiety.. ahhh..

[brokenheart41]

Hey, this thread has been going on for almost two months now. Not sure if it's your diary or anything but wouldn't it be a good idea to make some new topics instead? This way more people can relate and reply because this looks more like a chat session between you and lavenderdove rather than a thread.

[jenmar]

I was leaving it up as people can read regarding my journey through break up, working it out, then completely NC

[brokenheart41]

Try posting some new topics because most people won't go through 36 pages of conversations between you and lavenderdove. Remember: people are lazy

[lavenderdove]

^^

Actually, there are lots of other people posting on this thread too... it is up to the OP to decide where she wants to post, and on what topics.... this particular board is about Healing after a breakup, and that is what Jenmar is trying to do.

 

If you don't want to read 36 pages of posts, then don't! Participation on threads is optional and open for as long as the OP wants to keep it that way.

[brokenheart41]

But right now all kinds of subjects regarding Jenmar's healing process are scattered over these 36 pages. I find it hard to make sense of it all some times. Of course she's entitled to do what she wants but it was only advice that I gave.

 

I think Jenmar will get more advice and replies if she posts more topics about various subjects of her break up/healing.

[jenmar]

Sometimes when going through a break up the healing process is scattered, sorry if this particular thread is confusing and long but I have found this so very helpful. I can come here and type out my thoughts and people will read and respond.. its nice, and I like it.

 

I think its better to keep all of this in one place, as my "scattered" journey through my healing process after my break up.

Once I am fully healed, and am moving on to a different relationship, is when I will more than likely start a new thread.

 

So since you find my scattered journey to be long, maybe you can read other member's posts and try to help them

[lavenderdove]

^^

The thing is, sometimes the best advice is given when you know the longer history of the person and what they are going thru. If you post a lot of 'quick question' type threads, people may not know the context or have enough information about what is going on to give the best advice, and you tend to get more platitudes or less useful advice.

 

Longer threads allow a dialogue where the people who respond, if they've read the whole thread, really know what is going on and where the OP is in the process... so that is the virtue of the longer threads.

 

Of course all threads can be used to help a lot of people, but i never forget i am helping an *individual* who has a history and particular needs. So I can and do read long threads because it is the best way to give good advice, because you have more data. I also tend to give longer posts, rather than hit and run type advice or generalities.

 

But this site is for everybody, and if you prefer the shorter answers/shorter threads, there are lots of those... Or if you have a question yourself that you don't see answered in someone else's thread, start a thread yourself!

[jenmar]

Agreed- the issues that keep coming up are as a result of the break up and everything that happened during and after the relationship- I appreciate every single person on this thread as I feel like they have been with me through this journey, and will continue to be. it is comforting to me that I can come here when I need help sorting my thoughts. I will always be greatful.

If i would ask questions here and there I do not think I would have recieved as much help and support that I have thus far.

[valley]

from a guy's perspective, the problem is the lying part. If you told him before you slept with him, at the very least he was aware of it and would decide if he still wants to go through with it. But, to tell him after the deed and lie and say you didn't know you had it is another thing. Some guys won't react too well with the deception part.

 

Your ex and the new guy are proof that there are guys who will still accept you for who you are with this disease. You're doing a good and honorable thing in disclosing it to potential partners. It doesn't make you abnormal at all.

 

You said it best, it doesn't define you as a person.

[uncomfynumb]

This is one of the few threads that I regularly follow so if jenmar started posting somewhere else, it would seriously mess me up!!!!

[jenmar]

Today was a rather good day,

I was very busy at work, so I didn't think about the ex too much. Had lunch with the family

I went to the sports store to get my son some random things for baseball, I saw my brother in laws brother, who is actually better friends with my ex than my brother in law is... well zach said hi to his son, as did I, but that was it.

I was kind of annoyed that he didn't acknowledge me. I thought it was sort of rude actually. Not that we ever had this close relationship, I just found it odd. maybe he didn't really notice us, he was looking at bats and what not.. so I may be reading more into it than need be.

So after thinking for a bit tonight about what exactly is bothering me, here is what I came up with

 

a. He is still friends with my brother in law, and his family.

b. I wanted it to work b/c of the hpv issue

c. sometimes, and I mean sometimes I think that I could have made it work had I started therapy sooner, learning to deal with my insecurities and anger..

d. I really cared about him a lot.. and miss the beginning.. he made me feel so wanted and happy-

 

That said, I tried to put some positives in there too

 

Some things that have changed

Therapy made me realize i didn't do anything wrong. the relationship was doomed when it started as he was clingy and needy, then turned out to be completely opposite of what he was selling to me. any natural person with feelings would have became insecure after the clingy behavior he had changed, so- maybe it wasn't all MY fault.

also

ever since I stopped going on dates with new guy I actually feel a little more calm.. I am not so tense and thinking about my ex ALL the time.. i mean some random thoughts come in my head sometimes.. but nothing major to make me cry anymore, or want to call him.

And last but NOT least, the beginning was a fantasy...

and thanks uncomfy....I think I would be wayyy too confused myself if I had too many threads going on at the same time!!!

 

[lavenderdove]

re: your brother in law's brother, he was probably terrified that you'd ask him about your ex, and he probably didn't want to touch that with a 10 foot pole because he doesn't want to be disloyal to his friend and tell you anything, yet he also didn't want to have to tell you he didn't want to talk about it. In other words, he didn't want to get in the middle of a breakup situation/talk with you, or answer any questions about what you ex was doing or thinking. so rather than get into it, he just avoided you. Believe me, i've been in that situation before and run away from it. Doesn't mean he doesn't like you etc., it just means he KNOWS you're hurting and there's been a breakup, and doesn't want to get into that. I can't blame him, so you don't want to take that personally.

 

re: your list, item (b) really is something i think you're realizing isn't that a big deal, so no need to stay with him (or anyone else) because of that.

 

item © really doesn't apply, because the reason you were insecure etc. was because he was already pulling away and you were reacting to that. it wasn't because of the insecurity he pulled away. He was already making his move to leave when things were really good, early on, because that is what he does, have a brief relationship, then bail out before it gets serious and on to the next one.

 

so you are blaming the breakup on your insecurity, but he was already beginning the breakup BEFORE you got insecure, after only a couple months together. So it wouldn't have mattered what you did, he was already on his way out before you even really got started, because he doesn't want a serious relationship with anybody, as he has told you.

 

step (d), yes, he made you feel good, but remember the good part was only for EIGHT WEEKS. It was all fantasy, and it is easy for anyone to keep up that level of romance for a short while. he's only a keeper if he makes you feel that way PERMANENTLY. You can find some guy who has much deeper emotions than this ex, and who actually feels them as opposed to a smoke and mirrors game to get a woman hot so he can get some good sex then bail before anything is expected of him. Womanizers are experts at getting women hot, but they are also experts at the dump and run, which is what your ex did. Some other guy can make you feel that way, but be GENUINE in his intentions rather than using romance as a tool to take what he wants, then run.

 

item (a), he's still friends with your BIL, so what? easy enough to avoid contact with him since you don't/won't be invited to the same functions unless you want to. the fact that he still knows your BIL really is irrelevant if the relationship is over... you can easily avoid contact, in fact, it is far easier for you than people who date at work or in a situation where they personally have to see the person after being dumped. Just let this one go and don't focus on it.

[jenmar]

My initial reaction was- My ex must have talked bad about me, therefore the BIL's brother wouldn't want to talk to me. It sort of hurt my feelings.

I am not sure why it annoys my why my BIL is still friends with my ex. I get feelings of being jealous sort of because HE still gets to talk to him, and I dont.. as he has no interest in talking to me what so ever... Then the selfish part of me is.. well he treated me badly and strung me along.. why would my BIL want to be friends with someone that would do something to me.. (we are very close)

Yes, the painful part is realizing it was only 8 weeks and his feelings weren't strong enough to last much longer than that...

 

I have not talked to the new guy since yesterday morning- he texted me last night but I was sleeping so I didn't reply- I am glad that he is respecting my space though, at first he really wasn't, but I think he realized that if I dont get space then there would more than likely be not chance of us dating.

[lavenderdove]

Guy's friendships are really different than girl's friendships... lots of studies have shown this... they don't tend to spend a lot of time talking about emotional things the way women do. They tend to hang out and DO things like golfing, or watching sports, or talking about women more along the line of either complaining about them or talking about how hot some woman was, but not delving as deeply into their emotions or relationships as women do.

 

Men frequently name their wives as their best friends and ones they talk to emotionally, whereas when women are asked who their best friends are they may say another woman!

 

So i wouldn't assume that your ex has said bad things about you at all to this guy. He probably knows you broke up, and may know that the guy just stopped calling you and KNOWS that was a bad thing to do, so he's just avoiding you in the same way your ex is, to avoid any kind of emotional discussions or questions he can't/won't answer.

 

So your BIL isn't necessarily relating to your ex in an emotional way, they probably just hang out and talk about sports. So you're not a big event/issue in their friendship, so they see no need to break their friendship over it. Women who dish every detail wouldn't get that part and would feel the need to drop a mutual friend, while the men wouldn't...

 

I'd keep up the space with the new guy if you feel worse when seeing him. Just do what is comfortable for you.

[jenmar]

Thats the thing, at first I didn't feel worse at all, I really like this guy, It was recently that I started to feel that I needed some distance, as I was starting to compare him to my ex.

Like the new guy is really casual conservative, where my ex was very outgoing, peircings and tattoos everywhere.. new guy is really shy and backward.. ex was NOT like this at all.. and I liked that.

I dont want to keep comparing this great guy to a guy that crushed my heart into pieces.

I guess this was just a sign that I wasn't read, not necessarily that we aren't compatible..

 

as far as the BIL, I guess I was disappointed that he hasn't told me anything that my ex had said regarding me or the break up.. he seems to be backing off the whole situation. he has told me numerous times I am better than what he has to offer, and I deserve to be treated with respect, and he is being a complete jerk.. (he used different language that I cant post here )

my sister explained to me while he will more than likely always be friends with him, he will never ever fix him up with another female..EVER, as he now knows what he is like.. seems that his friends didn't realize all this about him..

[jenmar]

I had a really good day today, I felt really relaxed and refreshed.

I even missed having the new guy text me... so i texted him a little bit to see how he was. He even commented that I seem really happy today as well. I think it is because I got to see my son and have dinner with him.. last week was hectic because I worked so much to get some extra hours in, so i didn't get to spend the time with him that I normally do.

I am really excited to visit my friend inf Florida in a couple of weeks, and all of my sons baseball games are scheduled and I will get to go to almost all of them!

I didn't think about the ex too much today- I almost texted him last night, but realized that would be really stupid considering he has ignored me and not contacted me at all in one month.

I do miss him a little.. sometimes I get afrad to actually quit thinking about him, I am not sure why... I miss our talks and being silly together.. but then I think of how mean he was toward the end and it makes me forget all of that.

 

Not sure what tomorrow will bring! I know I work all day and I have my Dr. appointment to get on a longer acting anti-anxiety medication.. the xanax is nice, but doesn't last too long.

I have noticed when I take it I feel great, Yes I am still sad and disappointed over the break up but i am able to think more clearly and rationally about it.. there aren't any what ifs... strange.

[lavenderdove]

Anxiety can bring about an almost obsessive state. So that is where the 'what ifs' come from... if you can control the anxiety, it is easier to let go then...

 

Good luck at the doctor!

[jenmar]

Thanks, I am hoping to get everything straightened out.

 

I was thinking last night that if none of this would have happened I may never have entered therapy, and realized that I have deeper anxiety issues than I thought.

 

I guess everything does happen for a reason.

 

I miss him today- Just talking to him. stuff like that.. but it seems to be fading.. its scary.

is that weird?

[lavenderdove]

No, not weird. I'd expect as attached to him as you were, you'd miss him for a couple months at least. The memory of the relationship has to fade a bit, and you have to break the obsessive pattern/thoughts before you can stop missing him. So getting treatment for the anxiety should help a lot, as well as the counseling.