Coversation after Break up-im left confused

[jenmar]

Today is a good day so far, busy busy busy.. feeling a lot better.

I miss him a little, but I am noticing that as time goes on its really his loss, I know a lot of dumpees say that, however I really think I have a lot to offer someone, and if he wasn't good enough for my love and support then someone else will be.

 

I am really disappointed it didin't work, but as the days go by I am realizing a lot more, about how I am better off..

 

I am excited to hopefully meet someone who is willing to be there for me and my son. that is what is important in life...

[jenmar]

Starting to get a little bummed.. kinda miss him.. kinda dont..

blah. I keep thinking how annoying it is to have fallen for someone who wasn't even there for the most part and didn't really care in the end.. ugh. i dont want to NOT think about it... because I need to go through the motions of the break up...

BUT

gotta think positive.. no negatives.. its nice out.. maybe ill take my son and go for a walk or something.

[jenmar]

Well all in all today wasn't too bad. I didn't want to get in contact with him.. Now its more like..Why doesn't he want to call me? idk I guess I was half hoping he would miss me.. even though I know that it would never work with us...better yet I was half hoping he would realize he made a mistake in letting me go.. because as stated before I am fabulous

I hate that I think about it so much, but I am glad that I haven't tried to contact him.

I did on Easter.. just said, Happy Easter- No reply. Funny he goes from being so "in love" and what not to not even speaking to me and acting as if I do not exist, what kind of person does that? seriously.

 

 

I guess maybe I am slowly getting to the angry part of the break up process...

[lavenderdove]

He doesn't want to call you because he knows how upset you are over the breakup... plenty of people can't deal with the emotional fallout from a breakup.

 

And i think he's been breaking up with you a little at a time for the last couple months based on his change in behavior... so he was preparing for it to be over for a long time, so emotionally he was ready for the final break and not contacting you again. Sadly, you weren't aware that that was his motivation. But people who intiate breakups really try it out for size mentally a long time before they actually leave, so by the time they do the final break, they've already done most of the grieving and can walk away.

 

So he was 2 or 3 months ahead of you in the letting go process... that explains why he can just walk away, and it is harder for you, because you just started the process a couple weeks ago.

[jenmar]

Yes, In my heart I knew it was coming.. I guess I was hoping it wasn't actually going to happen, that he was sticking around because he wanted to making things work.

My sister said he stuck around to go through the motions of the break up, then once he was ready- he fully let go.

Not fair to me, and yes it sucks, but that is how he did it.

I know that he does it this way because he had told me one night.

We were talking about break ups.. I said does it take you a long time to get over a break up, he said No. I always do the dumping, and I know I am going to do it at least a month before I do so.

 

I thought he was joking.

 

I brought this up when we broke up.. hes like I never shared that with you, I said you most certainly did..

 

Its getting easier. I miss him still a little, then I think of how he treated me and I get annoyed and angry.

 

My heart isn't healed, I know I am not fully ready to move on yet.. taking time to get to know the new guy is nice, and I am also taking time to work on me...

 

Being dumped sucks.

just thought i would put that out there..

[LazyDaisy]

Yes, it sucks. But I bet, had you guys stayed together, you probably would have dumped him eventually because he didn't sound right for you. You wanted someone to spend time with you AND you son and he clearly wasn't doing that. Then you would have been kicking yourself for wasting so much time. Maybe he did you a favor by leaving. He wasn't what you wanted, he knew it and you did too. Now you are free to find the right fit, and you will find it.

[jenmar]

Having a weird day.

I for some reason am worried he is going to tell people I have hpv.

I know a lot of people that know him and I dont want it getting around...

 

I know that would mean he would be spilling the beans on himself, because he has it now too.. idk i guess I am just picking at things to worry about now.

[lavenderdove]

Honey, 80% of the population tests positive for HPV, so don't worry about it even if he does!

 

Many people WAY overreact to HPV, but it is something that just about everybody gets eventually. There are hundreds of strains of warts, and most people will be infected at some point in their lives, and people can fight them off just like they do a common cold, or get treatment for them too.

[jenmar]

well i did something completely psycho.

I texted him from my sisters phone... from the BAR... i was completely drunk

funny thing is he responded in a second.. not knowing who it was.. finally I was like, its jens sister.. he was like oh hey whats up. she took the phone stated hey she misses you whats going on..

No response I def. called twice and went to his house only to be ignore.

No more drinks for me.

bad night

Im so sad and feel sick I acted in such a childish manner.

[lavenderdove]

well, you had a bad moment, but if you didn't before, now you REALLY know he's ignoring you because he wants it to be over.

 

btw, if your sister is encouraging you go chase after him or do things like this because you 'miss him', that is not a good idea... just because you miss him doesn't mean he's going to turn ino a person who loves you and wants to be with you. remember, contacting him is like taking a hit of crack cocaine... it just feeds the addiction and doesn't get you better.

 

so get back in the saddle and stop contacting him, and tell your sister not to lend you her phone again if you're tempted to do this kind of thing.

[jenmar]

I just feel awful, i can not believe I did something so childish.

Then I feel even worse that he was willing to talk to my younger sister.. but ignores ME.

 

yes I know he wants it to be over.. I was OK with all of this until last night, I was doing alright.. trying to remain positive and in NC.

I know he probably had no intentions of ever calling me again... but this is all the more reason for him NOT to contact me because of my ridiculous behavior.

[lavenderdove]

I wouldn't feel awful... he was already ignoring you, so i know this feels worse because you had contact for a moment, only to reinforce that it was over, but really, it just confirms what you already knew, that he is ignoring you on purpose to get the point accross that it is over.

 

And truly, if he really wanted to be with you, he could contact you no matter what ridiculous behavior you did... this won't have anything to do with him not contacting. He's not contacting you because he knows it is over and doesn't want to drag it on, regardless of what you do now.

 

And i'm sure he understands how painful his disappearance must be for you... he probably feels guilty he's done it this way, but knows it is the only way to really get you to accept it is over.

 

So don't waste a lot of time feeling bad about this... just get right back into your plan to continue healing, and know that contacing him won't do any good, so why bother?

[jenmar]

I guess I feel as if I took a step backwards.. I guess it was just another reason to show he wants nothing to do with me.. nothing at all..

It just made me feel worse that he was willing to talk to my little sister, then once my name was mentioned he was done.

Last night was bad, i should have just gone home with my other sister and watched movies like we planned.. This wouldn't have happened.

 

The only thing I accomplished was me making myself look like a moron, and now I really know that is ignoring me because he is just flat out done.. with me, with the thought of the relationship and me.

 

I knew all of this, I guess it was just a reminder, that slapped me right accross the face.

 

Now I have a headache and feel crappy today.. I am supposed to go out with the new guy to get japanese food later... I really like him, I hate that this old rel.. is holding me back from REALLY liking him

 

my therapist said its like the woman who found her husband dead but a winning lottery ticket in his pocket.. and wone millions of dollars..

 

I thought that was a good comparison. On one hand I feel like I found someone really good for me.. on the other I dont feel like I can be fully happy about his..

[uncomfynumb]

well i did something completely psycho.

I texted him from my sisters phone... from the BAR... i was completely drunk

funny thing is he responded in a second.. not knowing who it was.. finally I was like, its jens sister.. he was like oh hey whats up. she took the phone stated hey she misses you whats going on..

No response I def. called twice and went to his house only to be ignore.

No more drinks for me.

bad night

Im so sad and feel sick I acted in such a childish manner.

 

Yep, that was psycho all right, especially going to his house. I am embarrassed for you.

 

I would recommend not drinking at all for 90 days. That stuff is so bad for you when you over do it and not that great for you even if you don't.

 

Why haven't you just deleted him from your phone already?

[jenmar]

I did... but its fried in my brain..

 

Not my finest moment.. it was a mistake, I just gotta pick up and move on with it.

I am typically responsible when it comes to drinking.. I was having such a great time.. then I realized I missed him...ugh. idk. I can't dwell on this, I am pretty embarssed for myself.

 

I seriously feel like an idiot. I am better than this, I sank to a new low last night. everytime I contact him it probably makes him feel like so superior and great.. and hes not.. hes a player.. a jerk and a player that treated me like a nobody.

So

He is not worth my tears.. nope not one bit.

 

Now lets see if I can keep this mindframe going!

[feejruin]

it was a mistake, I just gotta pick up and move on with it.

 

 

exactly. you dont need to keep beating yourself up over it. back to square one, but at least you know a little bit more about the rules.

[lavenderdove]

Yes, it is best not to drink when a break up is fresh, because drinking really lowers inhibitions and intensifies feelings, and if you're not feeling great, it can lead to things like this. So i think it is good advice to avoid drinking a lot for a while.

 

You can stay strong if your wits are about you, so just dust yourself off and don't go there again.

[jenmar]

Just worked out.. I feel a lot better..

I am not going to let last night ruin me. Or him for that matter.

I will most definatly stay away from drinking for a while.. It definatly brought out emotions and behavior that was less than desirable.

 

shame on me.

[jenmar]

Just got home from my date with new guy- It was nice. I will admit that a song came on the radio that had me thinking of the ex for a minute.

I hate this.

I just want to be ready to move on completely.... I just can't or I feel like I can't. I feel like this break up is defeating me.. its winning, and I am totally losing.

 

I really do not know what to do, I am completely torn.

Maybe I am feeling this way because of the interactions. or lack there of last night with the ex.

 

maybe I need to take a few days.. or something just to be alone and think.... but then again I feel I have thought about all of this enough, so much that I am tired of thinking about it.

 

I just want to move on.. How can you want something so much, but feel uncapable.

I hate feeling frustrated..

I seriously like this guy, he is pretty shy though.. but thats not that point.. that would be for another thread/topic/discussion.

[lavenderdove]

Honestly, i doubt i would date anyone for at least a couple or three months after a painful breakup, for the reasons you are discovering. You are still too wrapped up in the ex to really date at this point. Being friends is fine, but dating, probably not.

 

Perhaps you need to ramp this guy back to just friends (if he's interested in that) until you get yourself together, especially if dating him is making you think of your ex.

 

And I'm not sure it is fair to the guy if you are basically using him as someone to try to make you forget your ex. You could sit up in a few months when you're feeling better and say, 'i don't know why i took up with this guy in the first place, he's not my type.', then break his heart.

 

You might talk with him and keep it just as friends for a few months, with no obligations/expectations on either side, rather than trying to force a dating relationship even 'going slow' at this point.

[jenmar]

I was thinking about that-

I do like him, but it isn't fair to him.

I don't feel I am using him, I actually wanted to avoid to have this person as the said rebound because I honestly do like him, and feel that had the situation been different I would be more into having a relationship progress with him.

 

I just don't think I am quite ready, and I know that he is.

 

I was talking to my therapist about it. she thinks the fact that he knows that I am still going through the motions of the break up is good.. and she thinks building a friendship with him first is important.. and in the meantime I can do some healing. She said she wouldn't quite shut him out yet but I have to be completely honest at all times.. because no it wouldn't be fair to lead him into thinking I am ready for something that I am not..

[lavenderdove]

The real problem is that you have to break the emotional bond with your ex before you can fully form an emotional bond with the new guy.

 

So you would have to examine whether seeing a new guy makes you worse because it reminds you of the emotional bond with the ex (i.e., you keep comparing anything you experience with the new guy to the stronger bond with the ex, as in saying to yourself 'that was our song' or 'his kiss doesn't affect me the way my ex's did).

 

The truth is that anything you attempt to feel for the new guy right now will be colored by and most likely judged as not as good as the ex was, because your bond with the ex is so much stronger.

 

So that is why i think it is best to have full disclosure with the new guy AND to keep it light until you stop have those 'but that was our song' feelings about your ex when you're with him. If you're seeing him as a friend and have been very clear with him about your emotional state, then that is fine.

[jenmar]

I suppose it is just frustrating.

I am a little sad today- I know its over, I accept that, Its just hurtful.

I think a big reason I am feeling this set back is because of what happened wed. evening, with me having slight contact with the ex, then going to his house only to be ignored.

I guess it was another slap in my face.

So maybe I need some time alone.. time to think. I have a mini vacation here in 4 weeks to go to Florida to have girl time with a good friend of mine that lives there.

I do not want to cut the new guy out completely, but I know that I still have emotions tied to my ex that is not allowing me to be completely happy and content with the new one.

I guess that is selfish, but I have been very honest with him.

 

I hate that I miss my ex, maybe its not HIM, but the comfort and feeling of a relationship is what I miss.. and some parts of his personality..

Who knows. I know that this has really taken a toll on my heart. I fell for everything he said and was completely head over heels.

His decision to cut me out of his life completely is having a bigger effect on me than I thought it would have.. especially since we weren't together that long.

[jenmar]

I am feeling better as the day goes on.

I think I am going to take this week and not see the new guy and just focus on me.

I really like him, I know there is potential. I need to let my heart heal so I can give this a fair chance.

I just know that me being alone for a bit is necessary-

working out then going to watch some movies with my sister...just keeping busy and living my life..

Have to pick up myself and move on with it.

 

Life is too short to waste it on someone who doesn't care.

[jenmar]

Not a good day

I am thinking about him more than ever today, I dont know why.

 

I really miss him, a lot.. I keep thinking of our good times together.. little things, its crazy..I just wish he would call me, but I know that he will not. I know he does not want me or a relationship..

Its awful to want something so badly, only to have it completely out of reach.

 

I am not sure why I am feeling this way at the moment.