Coversation after Break up-im left confused

[jenmar]

WOW a reply already

Told me to take all the time I need.

He will be there single and waiting, because I am a wonderful person and he did feel a little spark which was nice, and if I need anything let him know..

 

I don't even know what to say...

[lavenderdove]

Well, that is very nice of the guy! That's how it is supposed to be, where he actually responds back rather than leaving you hanging like your ex did!

 

And that is so sad what your son said, but kids do see/feel far more than we give them credit for, and really, he summed it up for you that perhaps you were spending way too much time chasing after that ex than you were attending to your son's needs. That's a real wake up call if your son even noticed that.

 

There's something very dysfunctional going on if chasing a guy takes precedence over your son, or the emotional trauma makes you withdraw from your son. If it were the RIGHT guy, he would be building you up and making you happy and hence life would be better for both you and your son, but obviously if there is anything about the relationship that removes you from your son in any way or throws up a wall there, you need to dump that guy and not look back.

 

I'd throw yourself into spending more time with your son, and help reassure him he is the most important thing in your life, and he really should be the most important thing in your life rather than some guy or another. I think parents do need a balanced life and to date etc., but not when it interferes with the relationship with the child... when that happens, it lets you know that you've gone off track and need to get back on the rails again.

 

My ex-husband had a sister who had an eight year old daughter when we met, and the mother was having a relationship with a man who didn't particularly like kids... the little girl was shuffled among relatives all the time so she could spend time 'alone' with her guy (i.e., excluding the child from their time together rather than including her), and it was the saddest thing to watch. The little girl grew up to get pregnant herself at 16, i think because she had no self esteem and was very lonely because her mother was always off with her boyfriend (later husband) doing things that precluded really including the little girl in their lives. The little girl knew that her mommy was willing to throw her under the bus to keep a relationship going with a guy who didn't want a family, only a girlfriend/wife, and the little girl sadly was the one to pay for the mother's selfishness and foolishness.

 

So you don't want to be that mother AT ALL because it can and will scar your kid if your kid thinks mommy is more interested in boyfriends than in him. This is your chance to set that right, and the first step in that direction is practicing thought stopping to get this ex out of your head, and to start spending more time with your kid rather than moping around over some loser who misled you and then dumped you without a word. Your thoughts/emotions need to go back to your son, and never again should you chase after a guy at your son's expense. I'm sure you didn't mean to do that, but that is the effect of getting too involved with the WRONG guy.

[jenmar]

The past few months definatly have not been my finest moments.

I am quite embarassed with my actions and how the whole thing was handled.

This is why I want some time to regroup, I need to focus on what is important right now and that is my son. I have never fault more low than I did the day my mom told me that- she said she knew I was making a mistake, she knew that this guy was NOT right for me or zach, but wanted me to figure it out on my own, she thought that I would have done so and dumped him first.

 

I think the gut feeling that made me realize that I knew it wasn't going to work was New Years eve, when he didn't want to do something with MY family but wanted to be at his house, just the two of us.. I felt awful leaving zach at home on a holiday like that, especially since we werent' doing anything special.

I should have went with my gut then... but I didnt. I thought things would change and get back to normal.. but they never did it just got worse.

 

My son is so happy that I am spending so much time with him now. he told me this morning that I am his best friend and he so happy I am happy now. I almost cried..

 

I am so annoyed with myself for getting to the point where he was noticing that I was withdrawn and upset. Never should I ever let a man get in between my relationship with my son/family... for some reason I let it with this guy- because I truly felt he was the right one. I have no clue what I was thinking.

 

the new guy texted me today, asked if I was ok. I am really suprised that he responded the way that he did. I feel bad because he told me last night he was hurt, but glad I was honest.

[jenmar]

Working a double shift every day this week--- I worked out on break and such.. Just trying to go about my days normally.. even though in the back of my head I miss the fantasy my ex created for me. It has been officially two months today that we have been broken up.

I am feeling sad some moments but then okay the next.. I can not believe how much my emotions change. I hope within time they are even and "normal"

 

I do miss him, but i know that I am better off, and so is my little boy.. of whom I am going to miss tonight while I am working..

[jenmar]

I looked up thought stopping today- I am going to have to try to do this (when I get home) It looks rather interesting.

It seems that this could work for all types of anxiety, not just the kind that comes with a break up

I see the Dr. on Thursday morning to see if my medications need to be changed.. I am thinking more than likely he will try to put me on something more long term/acting than the small dosage of xanax I have, basically that was just for the panic attacks I was having.

 

I am not saying that this is the reason for me not being able to move on, but I think that it is playing a huge part.

So here I go with the thought stopping starting tomorrow.

 

Sometimes I am scared though, all I have left of him are the memories, once I stop thinking about them that means I am fully letting go- I want to, but I am not sure I am ready.. its all so sad.

 

Sometimes I wish he would just call me, knowing I am not even worth that to him anymore crushes me.

 

I can't wait to go to bed.. what a long draining day.

 

more tomorrow.

[jenmar]

I did thought stopping today, I am feeling pretty good.

I think this technique might work!! I just yell stop in my head haha

I dont want to walk around saying stop to myself outloud. my co workers may think there is something wrong with me.

 

I replace thoughts of him with thoughts of my schooling, my son, everything else positive in my life... i hope I am doing this right.

[Imogen]

Hi Jenmar.. have been reading your posts and you seem to be in a much better space than you did at the beginning. My ex sent me a text (after 4 years together) saying we needed to talk. Well, it transpired that he had been on facebook with one of my best friends whilst I was away for the week and she had been helping as he was sad about us breaking up (we had not at this point). He left me the night I got back although we were meant to talk and discuss things. He hooked up with her the following day and I have now heard that 'She is the one' and they are talking about moving in and going on holiday. He has introduced her to all 'our friends'. It is agonising and unlike you I have not been to work in weeks and barely out of the house. I feel I have lost all confidence and have nothing to look forward to. I look back on our time together and it all feels like a lie. Keep taking things a day at a time. People keep saying to me what doesn't break you makes you stronger and I am keeping hold of this like a mantra. I feel eaten up that 2 people who I loved and thought loved me could do this. It makes me question everything.

There must be someone who loves both of us more than this because THIS is not love

[lavenderdove]

I'm glad the thought stopping is working! It is very useful for controlling any kind of negative thoughts.

 

Another suggestion i've seen is to put a rubber band around your wrist, and just snap it and say (in your head) STOP! every time you get those thoughts... some people say that really helps, and seeing the rubber band is a reminder that they are to think of something else, and a commitment to keeping those thoughts under control. I guess it is similar to those 'Live Strong' bracelets or wearing a ribbon to remind/commemeorate something.

 

And anxiety can be very stimulated by biochemical state... a breakup generates all kinds of stress hormones, which can put you on alert and make your tense and unhappy, which can only create a worse cycle. You can get a fight or flight response, and one side effect is you become obsessed with the 'danger' whether that is a physical attack, or the threat your brain perceives from being dumped by a partner. So it can set up a nasty little obsessive cycle where it is hard to let go of the thoughts, because the biochemistry of stress is generating more of those 'danger, do something!' hormones that don't let your forget about the 'danger' very easily, such that it is all you think about.

 

Thought stopping breaks the pattern and jumps you out of that obsessive groove you are stuck in, so that is one reason it works, by breaking the cycle. You need to stop thinking about him all the time, because the more you think of him, the more stress hormones you produce and the cycle continues. Thought stopping gives you a break from that, and allows you to recover more quickly.

[jenmar]

I will try the rubber band, I am determined to stop these thoughts of him..

I miss him a lot sometimes, but then I remind myself it is the thought of him that I miss.

 

 

Sometimes i wish I could rewind back to September when we met and handled things differently... maybe it would have worked, idk, I need to stop thinking this way

 

its almost a month since i heard from him.

It honestly is getting easier.. it really is. I just miss him sometimes.

[lavenderdove]

Again, a relationship is two people, and you could done a million things differently, and he would still leave because of who he is and what he wants from life...

 

Sure you'll still miss him some, but just keep going on with your life and blocking too many thoughts of him, and you'll eventually find other more fun/good/relevant things to think about than him.

[jenmar]

I can't wait until I wake up one day and believe that on a consistent basis.

I for some reason keep going back to, oh this was my fault.. Stupid I know.

 

I am going on with my life, planning things getting things done, enrolled in classes for the Fall.. exercising.. eating right.. applying for a promotion at work. I seriously have soo much going for me, and I am happy- but sometimes I wish he was here to enjoy all of this with me...

 

again the illusion of him I miss i know. boo this sucks.

[jenmar]

Well the new guy that agreed to me request for space, has not given me that, he still texts me all day- still tells me hes so lonely b/c he doens't have that many friends.

(he moved to a new town close to mine a few years ago with this then wife. well three years later he only has acquired three friends of whom aren't reliable.. so he mopes around the house on his days off)

I am not sure about this now.

I liked him, but the more I think about it the more annoyed I am getting.

He is the complete opposite of what I normally date ( I go for, outgoing, fun tattooed guys) this guy is conservative/casual.. very shy, but sweet and understanding of things.

 

Idk.. Idk this is why i wanted space!!

[lavenderdove]

^^

Yes, that can be the problem with dating too soon after a breakup... you don't think/see clearly. You want someone who is RIGHT for you, not someone who clings to you because he doesn't have a life...

 

But if he is shy, sweet and understanding, perhaps you can take him up on the friendship part... and see where it goes. Easy enough to get a tattoo too!

 

And there's frequently a downside to 'outgoing, fun, tatooed' guys, in that they don't necessarily make good family men if they are into partying or chasing women.

 

I'd handle this by not responding to every text... Just the texts that interest you or you feel like answering. He may be happy to just text and not demand a response, in which case that is no big deal... But if he starts asking why you're not responding, you can repeat that you'd wanted some space rather than tons of contact.

[jenmar]

Yes, maybe its not that I am NOT interested, I thnk I just need to clear my head.

I hate that I am comparing.. I think I am just comparing him to my ex.. bc he had TONS of tatoos, and everything.. it was so attractive to me.. he was attractive to me...

 

I dont like the fact that he is really shy and backwards, It is not something I am used to.

 

 

 

idk.

I hate not responding to his texts, because I know how that feels, but I really do not want to talk right now.

[lavenderdove]

Why don't you just be honest about it then... text back that you're feeling tired today and sorry but you're not up to texting/talking much... then in future only respond to the ones you're interested in.

 

I think people get WAY to much into texting anyway... it's can be a really intrusive way of bothering someone or clinging to someone. I don't text all that much except to communicate something like asking for a time to meet up, or a quick question, but some people rely on it WAY to much. i wouldn't respond to more than one text a day max, and only then if you really feel l ike it. i mean, you're not teenagers, and don't need constant stimulation/reassurance, or shouldn't anyway...

[jenmar]

Right which is scaring me.

When I asked for some space he asked if we could still text and I said sure sometimes..

he said okay well if I have some sort of contact with you then I will be ok.

 

 

Is it normal for guys not to have too many friends? that also bothers me, I think its healthy to have a good network of friends. you can't rely on the person you are dating as your only key to social activity...

 

right?

[lavenderdove]

Well, if he really liked you a lot and had high hopes, remember how upset you were about wanting to text your ex? He's in the same position, where he really wants to be with you, and is texting to try to get reassurance.

 

And actually, many studies show that a lot of men have no really close friends except their wives/girlfriends. They may devote themselves to work or solitary hobbies, but count on their wives/girlfriends for social interaction.

 

So no, i don't think he is 'weird'. Also, some people who do bond want a very strong/close relationship with just a few people they really count on, rather than lots of shallow social relationships based on drinking beer or watching sports.

 

So he doesn't sound abnormal, just like he's not a social butterfly. In fact, guys like this frequently make very good husbands, because they are really dedicated to the family, and are not distracted/involved with a large circle of friends. It is also normal as one ages to reduce the number of social contacts, since you're not hanging out in bars or moving around a lot on the bar or dating scene.

 

If he was married and divorced, it is very common for people to be very lonely for a while until they re-establish friends/relationship outside their old couples friends that disappear frequently after a divorce.

[jenmar]

Oh.

Well I never thought of it this way before.

I guess I am used to dating young guys that float around the bar scene.

 

What bothers me is that he mopes about it sometimes, but I guess I would too.

 

Then I got worried that when I first met him I found him to be attractive.. now I am not sure I am attracted to him....is that normal when you first meet someone is there supposed to be this "instant attraction" it is quite possible that the break up that I am not over is making me feel no connection.. I guess I was hoping for instant connection and to be over my ex in a few weeks.

 

Not the case..

 

Maybe I shouldn't really worry about this now.. these are just questions that have come accross my mind.

[lavenderdove]

^^

Don't worry about this now, just focus on healing. At this point, you are probably not able to make a good judgment on who to date, because you are 'wounded' at this point and still bonding/attracted to the ex.

 

Once you've gotten the feelings for the ex under control, you can think more clearly and decide who you want to date.

 

Just be friends with the guy (if you want), and wait and see how you feel in a couple months.

[jenmar]

Good Idea.

I have therapy tomorrow afternoon, I look forward to these appointments.

My appointment with the dr. regarding my anxiety medication was cancelled and rescheduled for next week which frustrated me a little.

[jenmar]

Today hasn't been much better.

I keep thinking it would work. I keep wanting him to call me.

i hate this.

I miss him so much- its is absolutly crazy,

I keep thinking how sad it is that he feelings for me, and the relationship wasn't strong enough to withstand some life struggles.

I was going through so much in the end, so much medicaly (hpv cause precancer cells, i was depressed ect)

So now instead of me thinking, okay this is for the best.. he would have left anyway, I am thinking

crap

if i had been more open, and tried therapy sooner on how to deal with my problems, maybe my emotional wreck wouldn't have pushed him away so fast.

 

I have no clue why I am thinking this way, (honestly and I dont want anyone to think im an awful person, but this is how I am when I do not take the xanax, just took one so I am sure I will be more calme and rational)

 

I just told my sister Idk why her husband, being his friend, couldn't maybe talk to him.. try to see if there is any way we can make it work.. but that is selfish of me- that would make my brother in law in an akward position, he is still his friend, which sorta bothers me too.. not that I expected him to end the friendship.. but still I am annoyed by this..

 

okay that was my rant.

[lavenderdove]

Honey, the relationship wasn't strong enough to withstand TWO months... this has nothing to do with life's struggles. He is a hit and run guy who likes the rush in the beginning, but can't make it past a couple of months because he has a short attention span and likes sexual variety.

 

Again you can control no one but yourself. You could have been Angelina Jolie and Mother Teresa rolled up together and this guy still would have left. It's about who he is and what he wants for his life. He wants the sizzle of new attraction, and once that departs, so does he!

 

Don't let your mind and defense mechanisms play tricks on you. You really really REALLY wanted this guy, so your brain is grasping at any straw. If you tell yourself it is somehow your fault, then that means you can somehow maybe fix it and get him back. But it is not your fault, it is HIS CHOICE to no like permanent relationships. He's told you and other people this. You just can't make him be someone he is not.

 

So the brother in law goes and talks to him. this is what will happen: he'll tell him what you said, then they'll both have a beer and go, yeah man, she really has it bad for me. she's a great girl, but i don't want a heavy relationship. the brother in law will say, man, you should have not started this if you don't want a girlfriend, and then the ex will say, but we slept together the first night we met... i thought she was into a fling, she told me it was OK if i walked... so i didn't know she'd take it so seriously.

 

Then your brother in law will say, man, you're such a jerk, then the ex will say, i know, then they'll laugh, and that will be it.

 

PLEASE avoid the temptation to make your brother in law a go between. Yes, maybe he might be able to guilt him into coming back for few days, but you've been through that for 2 months before. then you have to start your healing all over again.

 

He has your number. He will call if he wants you. Getting your brother in law to talk to him only makes you seem desperate. It's not like you haven't already been thru the 'can't we do something to fix this' with him. You've had that talk, and he rejected you.

[jenmar]

Yes I did say it was ok if he walked... the next day-- not after he said i love you.

I love your advice, and your words it helps me a lot.. but I have this nagging feeling in my head.

 

I told him flat out. that the next day was his chance to walk but if he wanted serious he had to be serious about it and he said he was.. for a while.. all the way up until the end.

 

I guess this all doesn't matter now, I am just trying to explain. justify maybe.. which I shouldnt I really need to concentrate on healing, but it is so hard when I keep thinking the what ifs.. I try thought stopping, it works a little.. but not much, i guess its only been a day since I tried it.

 

and Idk why but im sad that he is still friend with my brother in law. it annoys me. I dont like it, its like im jealous.. its not fair.

 

i am such a mess today

[uncomfynumb]

jenmar,

 

Never tell a man that is ok if he walks when it is not. You might as well tell him that you are not worth it.

 

Read that link I sent to you in the PM and also what I said. I think if you understand what is happening, understand yourself better, you can stop the cycle and feel better about yourself.

 

Your father abandoned you when you were a child. How could a father do that? You think maybe you did something wrong, maybe it was you. You blame yourself. You grow up and meet a man and you project your feelings about men, created by you when your father left you, onto him. You start the relationship off bad perhaps sleeping with him too soon which IMO tells a man that you don't value yourself or respect yourself too much. If he wasn't emotionally available when you met him, he becomes so over time because your insecurity and your self esteem issues are too much for him to handle. And the cycle continues.

 

I'm afraid that right now, even if you met a great man, that you will push him away too. That is because there is some comfort in knowing the outcome of relationships right? As much as it hurts when they end, you have very low expectations. Part of the pain that you are feeling is unresolved hurt from your childhood. I don't think it is all over this guy. I think is goes much deeper than that.

 

And I am no therapist but I have read a lot on abandoment because I went through a traumatic experience when I was a young woman. so I think this very well could be your issue.

 

Your dad did the wrong thing and it wasn't your fault. It has created internal problems that you simply need help in dealing with and resolving. That is all. Now you need to gather every bit of strength you can muster to help yourself otherwise you are going to fall into this victim mentality that is also destructive and self defeating. It is going to take a lot of hard work and extra effort on your part. There are going to be times like this where you feel weary and you don't want to try thought stopping or develop will power or do anything to help yourself because it is easier for you to stay in that place you are. And nothing is going to work for you unless you really want it to. You have got to believe in yourself...

 

There are a lot of kids that come from broken homes that have problems with relationships as adults. You are far from alone. It is not just women that have issues, but men as well. And now you have a son. This means you are going to have to work extra hard to get yourself well so that you do not pass this on to him. So focus on that. Ok.

 

Love you girl! ((hugs))

[jenmar]

Agreed.

I am not in a good emotional place at all even if mr right came along that I would even give him the time of day.

The new guy- I see a lot of potential, but I am not ready- I explained this, he is hurt, but understands and told me to take all the time I need. alot scares me about him b/c he is completely opposite of any guy ive ever dated.. he has a degree, he has a decent job, he is funny, and good looking.. but what sets him apart from the rest- he is ready to settle down. he is a little older than I.. not saying he wants to marry me tomorrow- but he has made it clear he is not here to play games, he wants a family, a child, ect... but for some reason I focus on stupid things that annoy me, like- hes shy, doesn't have many friends since he left his hometown a couple years ago,idk. idk why these things even bother me, UGH.

 

 

I think sometimes I take comfort in knowing that the person that I am dating is eventually going to leave.. b/c of their past, or what not.

then again I sometimes think- hey if he had a bad past, and he stays with me... then he really really cares.. and then maybe he wont leave.

Idk, I think i have a distorted way of thinking about things

 

I am afraid of abandonment, and being alone.. yes I have a son but I want a family.. a whole family unit.. and even though I want that. it scares me too..