Coversation after Break up-im left confused

[Charis1978]

you do miss them and its hard but eventually you miss them less and less and it becomes easier to deal with. Usually when that happens the * * * * ers contact you again lol. I read these posts and he reminds me of my ex - commitment issues. Give the new guy a chance. It will help you take your mind off things

[Naru]

Love.......sometimes i believe theres more hope in iraq

[jenmar]

well since I was so sad yesterday, the new guy asked me what was wrong. So I told him everything.

well not EVERYTHING, but basically that I am having a hard time dealing with things.. that I enjoy spending time with him and getting to know him,, but I still have some sad days.

He completely understands and said it takes time, it will not go away after a few weeks.. He was a complete gentleman and told me if I ever feel sad and just want to talk he will listen, he thinks I am a great person, and it is my ex's loss.

 

I feel better that he knows.. because I was feeling bad that I was going on dates with him, but still feeling emotional and sad over my ex, and what happened.

 

Today is a little better than yesterday, I really miss him a lot.. as I have probably said 2000 times on this thread.

[jenmar]

so my sister told me this after saying i really want to find out if there is someone else:

 

Either way he decided that is was over a long time ago- he was just going through the motions, and he is not going to give you an explanation.

You need to accept that and start to move on... trying to get an explanation is just giving you a reason to try and keep contacting him and not let go

he is a jerk, you deserve better and stop putting him on some pedastal.

[lavenderdove]

Your sister is right... bottom line is he decided he didn't want a relationship with you, and he strung you along for a while and then eventually dumped you without a word.

 

This is not a man who wants to be with you. The thing that will help you move along the most is accepting that he just doesn't love you. Doesn't matter if he's loving someone else. You want and need someone who loves you and treats you with kindness and respect, not this guy.

 

There are lots of guys who put on the big romantic fantasy in the beginning, because it gets them more sex and attention. But as soon as their initial itch is satsified, they're off to the next one. You however were bonding and thinking he was serious, when perhaps all he was was romantic and doing things that stoke romantic fantasy... just because he was romantic doesn't mean he was serious!

 

So you need to really stop romanticizing him, and tell yourself he was having FUN but that didn't mean he was necessarily serious. You however, WANT serious, so it just wasn't enough.

 

Try to stop any of that romanticizing and 'i miss him'... what you miss is the romance, and you can get both romance and SERIOUS with a guy who is more sincere than this guy was.

[Charis1978]

I think the new guy is really nice. Stop wasting time on jerkface and start putting your effort into new guy. Your lucky to found someone so nice.

[jenmar]

I guess it hurts to know that I wasnt good enough for him to love.

[Charis1978]

I know the feeling but the truth is you probably were good enough its him with the problem. You think your the only girl he is going to treat like that. What I get from your posts that although your insecure and need reassurance you have alot of great qualities (trying to be supportive of his needs despite how tough it is for you, not running him over with a car etc). he's an idiot and im sure one day he will come back. these types always do. Just do me a favor and tell him to go fly a kite. This new guy thinks your worthy of attention - that should make you feel a bit better. stop putting so much stock in this other guys opinion

[headwreck]

I guess it hurts to know that I wasnt good enough for him to love.

 

Jenmar - I totally identify with that.

 

And although they mean well, it really doesn't help when people say "if it was meant to be it would be"......because it makes you feel stupid like your ex was the clever one that could see where it was going wrong and you were just too much of a silly deluded girl to get it.

 

I don't know what is right and wrong, all I know is that he knocked me sideways when he broke up with me. He didn't seem like he wasn't feeling it. I firmly believe that if he had been looking for a partner when he split we would have worked. People tell me that if you've found the ONE there is no walking away but I'm not sure I believe that.

 

I once read on here that "men marry who they are going out with when they decide they want to marry" and I think that may just have happened to me and you...

[jenmar]

I never thought of it this way, I have not been understanding as to why it didn't work if he said he loved me so much, maybe at the end of the day he didnt. Someone told me the other day (someone who knows him, and dated him years ago) "that is exactly how he is! he acts as if he really is in love with a girl then breaks up with them out of the blue"

I confronted him about his reputation before we started dating, I guess I fell into his romantic behavior and thought that it was real. I thought he really loved me and saw a future with me. I let my self get so attached that now I am completely sad and miserable. I have got to stop this, because it is making me miss out on a lot of fun things in life.

 

 

I guess I wish I was the ONE for him.. he was so perfect. but maybe I dont even know who he is at all.....

[lavenderdove]

I dated a guy like this who was a big womanizer, and romance was just one of the tools in his bag of tricks to get women hooked on him and giving him the sex and attention he wanted.

 

He eventually admitted he never really loved ANY woman the way he should, and he got bored easily and needed lots of variety, and didn't like being tied down for long to any one woman. That is almost EXACTLY what your ex was saying to you, so he is a womanizer and that type of guy.

 

So this has nothing to do at all with you not being 'good enough' to keep him around, because he has already told you that he doesn't like being serious or part of a real family life. He likes the romance and excitement, and takes a hike when anyone expects him to be committed to them. So it is about HIM and nothing to do with you.

 

You didn't 'lose' him because you never had him, you just thought you did. Nobody ever has him really if he doesn't like being in a long term relationship, just the romance and excitement in the beginning, and then he's gone!

 

And you hit the nail on the head when you said you didn't know him at all... or more accurately, you didn't know the part of him that he wasn't presenting to you, the part that says, i'll wine and dine you for a couple months, but then i'm gone. You said that is his pattern with others, and he just followed it with you like with everyone else.

 

The only ONE for him is himself! Guys like this are chameleons, who show you parts of themselves they know will get them what they want, but they hide the ugly part, that they are willing to romance you AS IF they were in love, but really, they just are in it for the excitement, and when the initial excitement is gone, or the woman starts to seriously expect them to commit, they are gone in a flash. They don't bond deeply with anyone, because they prefer the freedom and ability to chase a bunch of different women than to commit to any one woman. It is who THEY are, not who YOU are that is the problem.

[LazyDaisy]

My brother is like this - but the thing is, he doesn't do it on purpose. He is a commitment phobe, but doesn't realize it. He meets a woman falls head over heals, becomes real intense, sometimes even moves in with them. Then all of a sudden he finds something he doesn't like and thats it, its over. But he will tell you he is really lonely and really wants to find someone. And he keeps searching and breaking hearts all over the place. He isn't a player, he is afraid of commitment but won't admit that and get help so the saga continues. Right now he is in love with a married women who is debating on leaving her husband for him. Poor girl, if she leave her husband and moves in with my brother it will be over in a week. And she has two kids. My brother can't stand kids.

 

What I am trying to say is that your guy might have really meant the things he said, he might really want a serious relationship but if he is afraid of commitment he will find something wrong with every one. He is conflicted, he wants it but is afraid so sabotoges every relationship. Its not your fault. And its not your fault you listened to him. He probably believes what he is saying so why wouldn't you believe it.

[jenmar]

I suppose my therapist was right and as time goes on I will realize a lot more things about this relationship and the reasons it ended and I will find comfort and closure within myself.

I think one of the main reasons it is difficult is because he is friends with my brother in law.. I am not sure why this is bothering me so much, before he and I dated I think I saw him once the entire time he dated my sister (7years)

I am not positive but maybe letting go would be easier if he wasn't friends with my brother in law.. maybe not.

 

Either way, I realize I am in the process of letting go and healing... and that it taking a little more time than I realized.

[Ms Darcy]

Seriously we were dating for 4.5 months.. not years.. What the heck, im getting so frustrated with myself.

I hate that he quit talking to me, I hate that i keep wondering if there is someone else. I hate that no one seems to know anything.. (not that im crazy asking people, but you know what i mean)

its just frustrating to KNOW someone wasn't good for you, to KNOW that you NEED to move on and forget it.

but you cant.

 

Maybe a happy thought is that you only dated for 4.5 months. Yuo didn't waste years and hopes and dreams with this guy. Hallelujah.

[jenmar]

SO very true Ms. Darcy!

That is the only thing I am thankful for out of this whole situation.

Funny enough he said that... what if I decide in a year or two that I do want to be alone.. then you will be in your 30s and single.. you would hate me.

 

so maybe in a small way he did me a favor.

 

who knows!

[Ms Darcy]

SO very true Ms. Darcy!

That is the only thing I am thankful for out of this whole situation.

 

so maybe in a small way he did me a favor!

 

He definitely did you a favor! Good luck to you dear.

[jenmar]

Good Morning..

It is supposed to be a lovely day today- My son has baseball practice tonight.. I finally get to see him in action this year.. all of his practices have been while I was working, so I am excited about that.

I also start my diet today, and my exercise routines again... I got so off track the past month because of everything that was going on with my ex. so I am hoping this will refresh me and make me feel better.

 

Yesterday wasn't too bad.. I didn't cry.. I thought about him though, but not like aww I miss him, more like. * * * . I can't believe I fell for his crap thought about him. I guess I thought I was different..

 

I can't wait until I dont think about him at all.

New guy wants to get japanese on Thursday. I like him.. but I am afraid as well... hard to explain, even I dont understand it...

[lavenderdove]

I suggest you have fun with the new guy, but don't fall into a very intense relationship with him until you've gone thru the work to resolve your last relationship. I'd see him no more than a couple times a week, just to let your head clear first.

[jenmar]

I am going with once a week for right now

He has been very understanding of it all.he was honest too. said he is looking for serious.. he is anxious to have a family one day.. everything I want as well...

I told him in the future I want that, but for now I need time to heal and get my emotions in order.

How he is understanding of all this foreign to me.

I was thinking when I told him I still have bad days because of my recent break up he would say ok c-ya.. instead he said it takes time, he understands..

So once a week for now seems comfortable to me. we talk every day.. but dinner once a week is easing myself into it... at least I think so ???

[feejruin]

I guess it hurts to know that I wasnt good enough for him to love.

 

flip that thought:

 

he isn't good enough to love you.

[jenmar]

@Feejruin, I like that thought.

made me smile.

Thank you

[lavenderdove]

Yes, once a week is good. If he's a great guy, you don't want to lose him while you work thru this, but you also want to wait to really evaluate the relationship and whether to get serious after you get your head on straight again.

[jenmar]

My therapist suggested having drinks or dinner with friends and inviting him along, so they can point out some red flags they see... since my emotions are out of wack some days.

 

I think I may do this instead of dinner this week.. my friend said we can all meet somewhere have some appetizers and drinks. I am not sure though.. maybe wait until next week?

Today I am feeling really good. Just at ease with things.. its getting better slowly, but I know there are ups and downs.. hopefully more happy days this week than last week. it was a bummer to feel that way after such a great date.

 

Frustrating.. Makes you sorta never want to date again.. or get attached.. I am too old for this

[jenmar]

Nice day today- I am feeling a lot better... Hoping my week continues like this-

I am finding a feeling of happiness and peace.. No more stress.. No more wondering what will happen next.

Because the answer is nothing.. with him anyway- he made his choice, and if I say so myself he really lost out on a great person (me) because I am fabulous.. at least that is my frame of thought for the week

Trying Lets see what tomorrow brings!!!

[lavenderdove]

^^

Good for you!! That is totally true, and if he didn't recognize that, then his bad! Really, he's a fool if he thinks these hit and run romances of his are going to make him happy in the long run... it will catch up with him someday and that's when he'll regret the loss, but you will be happily with someone else by then, someone who has more sense and empathy than this guy does.