Coversation after Break up-im left confused

[jenmar]

I got very attached- very fast.. so its hard for me to just say eh he was a jerk move on. some people that date for that length of time don't find it a big deal.. but again, not all guys put up the fantasy my ex did.. ugh it was awful.

 

 

I ordered the book Surrendered Single, at Uncomfy's suggestion, I should be getting it today or tomorrow in the mail.

I have heard it was a great book, opens a person up for the next relationship.

 

I am missing the new guy more today- but I do not want to act on impulse, I am sticking to my guns and waiting... he still messeges me and such.. no more talk of him being lonely, he told me he was golfing yesterday with a friend.. which was nice.

 

we will see as time goes on I suppose..

[jenmar]

Well the Dr. appointment went okay-

He did an evaluation and decided to put me on Zoloft, 50mg to start out, and he also gave me something to sleep, as well as something else in case I would start to have a panic attack (haven't had one since the day he broke up with me, but I have had them before)

He told me to keep up with the therapy, and said that I need to stop working so much and start enjoying my life, and my son.

I gave him a brief run down of the break up

he said, you are such a sweet. kind, hard working lady- any guy that wants to spend time with ONLY you ALL the time, and not include your son isn't worth your time.. You are a package.. and wonderful package that any man with a sane mind would be lucky to have.

I also told him about how my father left when I was 8, and I haven't talked to him in over 10 years, and the fact that my sons father was abusive and hasn't been around since my son was 6 months old...

he said the therapy is definatly going to help me along with the medication he chose for me.

I got my surrendered single book today too! only read the first chapter, but already it seems like a really good book

 

while all the above are positive.. this is what I thought when I left the Dr:

had I realized all these issues prior to meeting my ex.. I wonder if we would still be together... again going back to "it is my fault I could have fixed it"

[lavenderdove]

>>had I realized all these issues prior to meeting my ex.. I wonder if we would still be together... again going back to "it is my fault I could have fixed it"

 

No, don't go there! You are not 'broken', you are a lovely person who just wants to be loved and have a nice family with yourself, your son, and a partner! That is not broken, that is a very healthy impulse. Remind yourself this is a guy who promised you the moon when he hardly even knew you, then skipped out after a couple months... just a hit and run lover who doesn't want a normal long term relationship. That has nothing to do with you!

 

Counseling is about finding way to resolve issues and make adjustments to make your life easier/happier, and to see things clearly from a healthy perspective. I think the thing you more need to work on is abandonment fears because that comes thru pretty clearly in your writing. You have made this guy the center of your world when he was really only with you for 2 months, and you need to understand how abandoment fears work so that you can resist this impulse to cling to someone who is totally treating you rottenly and is NOT prince charming though you want him to be.

[LazyDaisy]

Please remember, he did not want to spend time with your son - nothing would have made that any different. Some people just don't want a ready made family. So even if the two of you got along great - it wasn't a relationship that was good for your son - you were spending too much time away from him. So stop second guessing this relationship!

[jenmar]

Right, I know...

Its just hard for me to grasp that someone could say I love you and talk future with you..then just bail.

I know this is his pattern and I guess I should have known better.

I do miss him, but I do not miss the guilty feeling of not being at home when I know I should be.

[lavenderdove]

By default, any guy who expects you to mostly leave your kid at home and ignore him to be with him, is NOT a good guy and not worth your time. Only a really selfish person would expect you to ignore your child so that HE could have more 'fun'.

 

Could you ever imagine asking someone to leave his young son behind in order to spend time with you? Honestly, that says all you need to know about your ex, and it is NOT good. I just can't fathom that myself, and would WELCOME someone else's child if I loved the father!

[jenmar]

Right, and he was all about it at first and then bam it was all different.

I guess I have a hard time grasping how someone could be this way.

I know he's not right for me or my son. Its just disappointing.

I'm upset with myself because I should have seen the signs.

[LazyDaisy]

Right, and he was all about it at first and then bam it was all different.

I guess I have a hard time grasping how someone could be this way.

I know he's not right for me or my son. Its just disappointing.

I'm upset with myself because I should have seen the signs.

 

People are not perfect, sometimes they put on a good act in the beginning. Sometimes they think they can handle something and really want to, but they are not ready for it for whatever reason. Sometimes something turns them off or sometimes they just simply change their mind about what they want. Haven't you ever met someone and been really into them in the beginning and then later decided they weren't really right for you? It has happened to me many times, where I have been the dumper and where I have been the dumpee. It is what dating is all about - trying to fit a combination that fits for everyone involved.

[jenmar]

I have never claimed I loved someone after a few weeks of dating.

I am not sure if you read the entire thread but my exs behavior is a pattern. I do not think he just simply changed his mind. Conversations we had post break up indicated that he never wanted anything serious. So to pretend that he did is pretty selfish

[LazyDaisy]

Take this as a lesson learned. After a few weeks of dating you can't possible be in love with someone - it takes a long time to really get to know someone. Don't listen to this kind of BS. You have to take some responsibility here - why did you believe him? Did you really think that he could love you when he didn't even know you? You also played a part in it by buying into the whole fantasy. You can't put 100% blame on him.

[lavenderdove]

When people people fall 'in love' immediately, it is usually a sign of three things... either (a) they have a loneliness 'hole' in their life they desparately want to fill and think it will be filled by another person (and are ecstatic at the thought and forge ahead whether they know the person or not), or (b) they are overly romantic and plug the person into their fantasy 'love' role, or © they are being deceptive, as in players who will say all kinds of things they don't mean to get a hot romance going, but then drop the act when they've had their fill and want to move on to someone else.

 

(a) and (b) are really not a rational response, but an emotional one, so people can be very unaware of the folly of getting too excited to soon. It is a question of learning that one needs to keep a rein on one's emotions until it can be confirmed that those initial hopes/fantasies match up with whom the other person really is. The person is giving more weight/validation to the emotion than they should, and this can be unlearned, but usually not until the person has more experience with romance and realize that what you *think* you see is not always what you get.

 

It is great to feel really happy and excited in the beginning of a relationship, BUT one must take it with a grain of salt and shouldn't develop huge expectations based on that early excitement. As they say, time will tell, and that definitely needs to be applied to caution in developing expectations in relationships.

 

So it is not a question of 'blaming' herself for getting too excited, it is a question of understanding the difference between hormones/hopes/fantasies and really investigating and waiting to see if the person is who you hope he is. Many people just don't really realize this is necessary, especially if they are young. But after having an experience like this one, i doubt she'll do it again. Some things can only be learned by experience, especially when the emotions are involved.

[LazyDaisy]

Landerlove - well said and I totally agree. But Jen seems to hung up on this point of how could he have said he loves her and leave her. My response was that maybe he meant what he said at the time. Her response was that he did it to be deceitful. Either way, all I am saying is take a little responsibility for your own role in all of this and stop playing the victim. When you veiw yourself as a victim that is completely helpless against these awful guys you remove any responsibility from yourself and its just going to make it all that much harder to heal and it will mostly likely happen again. When you take some ownership you can use that to heal and recover and be smarter the next time. Also, I don't know what kind of sheltered life she has led, but in my lifetime I have been disappointed by guys many times, many of them are players and liars. Many women are players and liars too. You just have to be smart and stop being so naive to believe every word someone tells you.

[lavenderdove]

Jen is struggling with the principle of cognitive dissonance... where in her mind if you love someone you never leave them, so this doesn't 'compute' for her. She would never want to leave someone she loved, so she can't believe he would do it.

 

And also, honest people who don't lie, just can't fathom how someone else could do something like that, that is so cruel.

 

So her view of the world doesn't expand to include the fact that someone whom she loves might be a huge liar. She loves him, therefore he must be good (that is a fallacy, but a common one). She mistakes her own emotion and FEELING good and that he makes her FEEL good, with the idea that he must BE good if he can inspire such an emotion in her.

 

So it is literally a case of not being able to wrap your mind around the reality that people can and do feel immense love for someone who is totally unworthy of that love.

 

So what needs to happen is for her to reconcile these two things, and genuinely accept that just because someone can inspire strong feelings in her, it doesn't mean he's a good person or that that person is her soulmate. People get into all kinds of trouble mistaking strong feelings for an indication that the other person is the right one for them. Rightness for each other is depending on so many other things, like good character, shared goals, etc.

 

So it is a hard lesson that strong love feelings/romantic pronouncements do not equate to an enduring love. Most people can and do find an enduring love, but for it to last, the relationship has to be based on things like shared goals, wanting to live in a family situation, wanting to settle down, not lying and cheating etc.

 

In Jen's case, i don't see her seeing herself as a victim, just totally confused and unable (scared) to recognize that there are people out there who will use other people and lie, and also that strong feelings don't guarantee an enduring relationship, but work and compatability do. I think she was totally charmed by this guy, but he was both a womanizer and not interested in a permanent relationship. She has to accept that just because she felt great, doesn't mean HE was great. Love doesn't "fix" someone's character defects or different goals.

 

And in this particular case, i don't think he ever really felt that much and it was just a womanizer's lines, becuase of his spotty romantic history of never dating anyone longer than a few months and being a womanizer, as others have told her.

 

But i totally agree that you have to stop believing everything someone tells you, until time has proven out that what they say they really mean and they have good character and don't use and lie to other people. That is a very painful lesson to learn, as Jen is discovering.

[jenmar]

I do not veiw all guys as awful- just this one.

I do not feel I am a "victim", but I do feel that I was played. and that hurts my feelings.

I supposed I "played" into his fantasy, and had a role in it, however I do not feel that any of this is my fault.

I was completely smitten, and charmed by him, I felt an instant connection, his words and actions in the beginning made me feel like he was the one for me. He wanted to establish a relationship with my son, he spent a lot of time talking with my mom, and being around my family... I had never encountered a guy that put all of this effort, So when he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever and that I was his soulmate, regardless of the fact we were only dating a month, I believed him.. and I felt that love too. or I thought I did.

I was told by a few people to watch out, because he dates someone for a few months then leaves them, and post break up someone that dated him said he did the same exact thing with her, he truly makes this huge effort to make the other person believe he is really in love, then bam he changes and he breaks up with the other person.

 

I have not lived a sheltered life, I am not naive- , I happened to fall for a guy that sadly never had intentions on having a long lasting relationship with me. I believe that a lot of women have had this happen to them, especially after reading some threads.

I suppose putting my story on here would subject me to being critcized- Laizy Daisy that is great that you have been through so much and you are able to stay grounded, but don't assume that my life is sheltered, I am 28 years old, My first boyfriend I was with for 4 years, then next for a year then the next was 5 years.. the guys I dated in between all of this were nothing but fun dates, nothing serious, I never had the experience of some guy saying he loves me right off the bat, and wanting to hang out with my son... so I would assume that he was serious. because in my mind what person would say that if they didn't mean it.. I am a very honest and loving person, that wants nothing more than to find my soulmate, please dont put me down and accuse me of playing some victim. I am not. I am simply expressing my feelings on what happened and how hard it is to fathom someone doing this to someone else.

Regardless of what is said about me, I know what I felt was real. and coping with the fact that it may not have been is really heartbreaking.

I appreciate any advice, and I suppose putting my feelings out here on this site will subject me to some negatives as well.. So I just take this with a grain of salt and keep moving forward.

I feel that I am doing a lot to heal, and if it is taking me longer than "normal" so what, at least I am making an effort.

[LazyDaisy]

Sorry for critizing you. I guess as one mother I am a little bothered by the fact that you ignored your son while you were dating this guy. You put your owns childs needs after your own. And after the breakup - you still miss someone who was no good for him. You can't fathom how a guy could lie to you and make you think he was into something that he wasn't. I can't fathom how a single mother would ignore the needs of her child for lust.

[jenmar]

Okay, I think your a little out of line here....

Its not like I LEFT my child every single night, it was two or three NIGHTS a week, that I would go over to his house.. it was later in the evening its not like I ran off for days and left him with some stranger.

I live at home, and he was with my mother.

I didn't leave him at home for LUST, I felt I was in LOVE.

You dont know me or my feelings, or what the situation was like.

You are assuming I just ran off with some guy to have hot sex and neglected my son, and if is that not what you are assuming you sure did make it seem that way.

 

I suggest if you are bothered by this, and you can't "fathom" any of this maybe read another thread and try to "help" someone else.

[lavenderdove]

^^

OK, i think LazyDaisy is going overboard there... I don't think that single parents should be made to feel guilty for dating and looking for a partner a couple nights a week, and for trying to find her son a father figure.

 

And I think Jen is doing the right thing getting counseling to get over her depression/anxiety, so that she can be fully present for her son, both physically and emotionally.

[incaangelique]

^^

OK, i think LazyDaisy is going overboard there... I don't think that single parents should be made to feel guilty for dating and looking for a partner a couple nights a week, and for trying to find her son a father figure.

 

And I think Jen is doing the right thing getting counseling to get over her depression/anxiety, so that she can be fully present for her son, both physically and emotionally.

 

Agreed. A happy parent will lead to a well adjusted child . A miserable lonely parent is not a good example for a child. I don't see where she was ever "ignoring" the needs of her son. Grrrrrrr!

[jenmar]

It is very difficult for single parents to date in general. You are not only dating for yourself, you are dating for your child..

Yes, it does take some time away from the child, however I do not think going out a couple evenings a week is bad. How else do you find a partner?

I truly thought the relationship was going somewhere.. do I regret it?, Eh somewhat.. but I feel that I did what was right in my situation- I thought my ex had intentions on seeing the relationship through. It isn't my fault that he changed his mind and decided to bail, its life, it happens, time for me to move on.

 

I love my son more than anything, and trust me he knows that-- he is very well taken care of and I would never neglect him for anyone.

[LazyDaisy]

You deleted the posts or I can't find them - the ones where you said your son was upset because you were spending time with the bf instead of him, and the ones where you said that this guy came to your son's bday party with no gift and no card. I don't believe single parents shouldn't date - but I do think 3 nights a week is too much, even if his is with your mom. You have also stated that you spend many nights working so with that in mind 3 more nights out is alot. your giving him the message that he is unimportant and believe me it will mess with his self esteem. But whatever, you will have to deal with these consequences later when he is a messed up teen- i won't post to your threads anymore. good luck

[incaangelique]

She is not in the relationship with this guy anymore. Her focus is on her son now. If she went out more than she thought she should have she has learned from it. It's not like she left the kid home alone by himself. I think you are being cruel, and not offering any sort of helpful advice. Maybe try offering advice on how to juggle children and dating, or just leave her alone.

[valley]

You deleted the posts or I can't find them - the ones where you said your son was upset because you were spending time with the bf instead of him, and the ones where you said that this guy came to your son's bday party with no gift and no card. I don't believe single parents shouldn't date - but I do think 3 nights a week is too much, even if his is with your mom. You have also stated that you spend many nights working so with that in mind 3 more nights out is alot. your giving him the message that he is unimportant and believe me it will mess with his self esteem. But whatever, you will have to deal with these consequences later when he is a messed up teen- i won't post to your threads anymore. good luck

 

While it is true that type of behavior can negatively affect a child,.. that last comment was downright harsh.

[jenmar]

This week has been pretty good.

I started the medication the Dr. perscribed, the only thing that does not seem to be helping is the sleeping pills. I was up all night last night.. well not all night but most of the night.

I haven't felt too upset or over anxious about the break up or anything else in my life.

I do miss him though, but it is fading.. I have not thought about the what ifs too much.. i did a little bit because I was reading the surrendered single book and was thinking about some of the things I did in regards the the relationship, and wondered had I not done them would it have worked.

My therapist says no.. that eventually he would have left, and I know this..

The book also says to throw away the "list" that I have in regards to dating men, that the imperfect guy may be the perfect guy

I thought about this with the new guy- how he may be shy, and not have too many friends, and he may not have a tattoo here or there.. but he is nice. and has morals, and goals. those things are what is important.. not the others..

I have been talking to the new guy less and less though.. basically just because I am trying to get adjusted to the new meds, and I have been really busy with other things in my life. I hope he is not offended, but I did explain and hopefully when I am ready he will be too.

My BIL comes home today from working out of state. I know this may seem weird but I don't want to see him... I see him as a friend of the ex, and am completely annoyed by it. That may seem selfish, but that is what I am feeling.

[lavenderdove]

I think your BIL will be fine if you don't see him for a while... just explain why and he'll understand.

 

Just keep working on yourself... and you can give yourself a break from thinking about men in general! Your life doesn't depend on them, so perhaps just give your anxiety a rest by trying to focus on other things that you enjoy doing right now...

[jenmar]

You are right, it is definatly a time in my life where I need to concentrate on what is important.

I feel bad regarding the BIL--- its just akward every time I think abou it. The last time I saw him I almost cried..and I am not sure why... I think he reminds me of my ex alot. and he is still friends with him.