Coversation after Break up-im left confused

[jenmar]

Thank you.

you just made me realize the situation.

 

He called.. we talked.. he said it was very nice seeing me Saturday and can't wait until this Saturday.

 

We had a really good convo on what we are going to do.. said we can try to work this out.. since we BOTH now know the issues.

 

Lavenderdove, its like you were in the relationship and saw each flaw, you couldn't have described it better.

 

I told him I know it won't be like before, and I am honestly OK with this.

I have my own life, I made HIM my life for 4 months.. not healthy..

He was really suprised by this and said its a big reason he was holding back a lot.. because he doesn't want it like before. Not that he didn't like spending time with me, he is just used to being alone and doing his own thing...

He cares for me, but doesn't want the relationship to consume all his or all my time.. we need to do other things.. be with friends, have hobbies..

 

I have never been given better advice.

 

I feel like I should pay you or something.

[lavenderdove]

LoL, naw, advice free of charge!

[jenmar]

Today is suprisingly easy, just weird.

I am completely fine with him not calling me all throughout the day. this is giving me more time to focus on my work.

I guess just getting used to it is the hard part.

 

I no longer feel insecure for some reason.

I feel very comfortable with this situation.

I don'tk now what happened it just all clicked for me yesterday. I was so excited as I was telling him all this over the phone, I was saying how it was ridiculous for me to make him my number one in my life and awful for me to expect him to make me mine, and get mad and fight with him when he wanted maybe a day to himself or whatever other reason...when we have soo much other things going on, and I am very ok with it not being the same as it was before because I want BOTH of us to be happy..

 

I have friends and family I haven't really been close with in months because of this.. and I do this in EVERY relationship I have ever been in... hence I am still single.. However, this one is different. this one seems to be salvagable.. although I know I am not promised we will live happily ever after, I will be enjoying the time we spend together and the conversations we have. He is really a special person to me.

 

 

I guess I just want to share how happy I am, I keep smiling and I actually slept for once, the entire night, without waking up all upset.

[lavenderdove]

Excellent! Freeing yourself from an obsession with him will make life easier for both you AND him, and you will experience that once you really understand why that is important, which it seems you have.

 

Keep at your counseling though, because this is not a quick fix problem, and you need to work thru it with the counselor. You've started in a positive direction now, so reinforce it by continuing counseling and giving both him and you the space you need. This positive attitude will build on itself if you keep going in the right direction!

[jenmar]

Yes, counseling will be a weekly thing, and I am very excited to keep at it. Every since then and of course reading your advice.. it was slowly coming all together.. then when I read your post yesterday it was like I was hit in the face with a ton of bricks.

Don't get me wrong. Yes I am happy now.. yes I am feeling secure now.. will I have a relapse or a bad day or two.. im sure.. but knowing how I feel right now is what would make me never want to go back to the way I was acting.

 

I have never had an experience like this before where something just clicked and I was like ohhhhhhh... ok, that is what the problem was.

Its just nice to feel happy and secure.

 

I feel I am lucky to have a situation such as mine.. in a small way I think the break up happened when it did for a reason.. we weren't together long enough to have such animosity and bad feelings toward eachother to where we wouldn't speak... which is giving us a beautiful opportunity to grow and learn from this.. and hopefully one day have a strong relationship.

Right now we are just building a foundation,.. Will something come out of it.. No clue. all I know is that I learned so much, and if he isn't the one, I will def. never forget him as he made me realize so much of what I have been doing wrong for years.

 

Of course I certainly hope it all works out.. I have a really good feeling it will.. but all the same, I can't predict or put all my eggs in one basket hoping that it will turn out the way I want it.... but i sure do hope it does

[jenmar]

Today was an off day for me. We talked a couple times yesterday on the phone.. so today I sent a text that said, have a nice day!.... and nothing

 

I know I know.. space.. hes working.. I know.

I guess its just a tad disappointing not to hear from him today.

 

I wonder when I will get used to this.. Don't get me wrong, I haven't texted him again, or called.. I dont want to overwhelm him or smother.. but i guess it would just be nice to get a hello...

 

I figured I would type it on here rather than call him and tell him this.

 

 

[jenmar]

We were supposed to do something today- he called this morning and all was fine.. I never heard from him again.. until now.. he texted me and said he just woke up he doesn't feel good and he will talk to me in the morning.

Idk. lame excuse to me. He goes out of town tomorrow on business. Not sure if I buy this excuse.

[amontalb]

Hey Jen,

Sounds like its been quite a journey for you. I didnt read all the pages but I got the idea of your situation. Im not sure what youre up to when you are not waiting for the phone calls, but do you have any friends you can go out with? I think you need to establish a life without this guy. Its not always good to be feeling worried or anxious or when are we going to talk next?

 

Im the girl who said her bf broke up with her because she was too insecure, but over the last two months I realize yeah I was insecure, but it was not all my fault. He couldnt handle the relationship and I wasnt willing to walk away. I didnt think I could be without him, but Ive realized that I can. I still miss him obviously, but I know I will be okay.

 

I think you need to realize that whether this guy is in your life or not you will be okay and from the sounds of it, much less stress free!

 

Oh, but if he does just want his space you need to just let him have it. Maybe he just is sick and its not an excuse....

[jenmar]

Its just a roller coaster with him.. One day he is nice and wants to work things out.. then I don't hear from him for a few days, he has made several references that he doesn't think things will change if we get back together..

 

I just feel that no matter how much space I give, or what I do its just not something he wants.. or maybe he just doesn't know what he wants..

 

I am thinking that its not really fair to me actually.. yeah I may be insecure, yeah I may have made mistakes... but you know what I wanted to work it out, I never once thought of leaving and he did.

 

So you know the more I think about it the more I think I may deserve better.. someone who is going to be there no matter what. someone who really does care and isn't afraid to show it.

 

Maybe I just answered my own questions.

[lavenderdove]

Jen, I can only tell you how I'd handle this.

 

If it were me, I'd tell him that i thought perhaps it is too soon to try to spend time together, that you need to go off and do your therapy for a while, and he needs to go off and decide if he has strong enough feelings for you to want to try again in future.

 

Right now, you are too close to the negative events that are strong in his mind, so he is not sure whether he wants to jump in again or whether he even believes you can or will change your behavior for more than a short time.

 

Or perhaps it is as simple as he really doesn't want to be as serious as he knows you want to be, and that makes him nervous.

 

So the best thing to do is pull back a bit, focus on your therapy, and maybe agree to meet again in a month or two to see how you both are feeling.

 

You can't feel better if you're constantly living under the cloud of fearing you will do something that scares him away, and maybe the real problem is you want a really serious relationship with a lot of time spent together, and he just isn't interested in that, so doesn't want to feel obligated to see you that much.

 

So your needs may just not be compatible right now with his. Maybe in future if you learned to be less dependent on him things would be better, but maybe he also just doesn't want a super serious obligation now, and what you want is a deep committed relationship.

 

So i think it might be good to at least back off now. You don't need to make any big declarations, just let him go off and don't contact him. And if he cancels on you a second time or rarely calls you, then tell him you think you want a relationship and he really doesn't, so best to stop contacting each other for a while (or permanently if you feel he isn't right for you).

[jenmar]

We talked today- he said he thought that maybe its best if we just remain friends. He said he is not ever going to be a family kind of guy- that that stuff makes him uneasy. (not that I was asking him for a family..)

He said that he loves me as a friend, and while he did want to work it out, Right now he is very overwhelmed with work and doesn't want to be stressed about our situation when he needs to concentrate on work.

 

He told me that he thinks I should move on.. I deserve better

[amontalb]

I think this is the best thing he could have done for you. You definitly deserve better. Now you can stop being so stressed out about him all the time and try to have some fun. You (and I) will find someone who will be willing to stick by us when things get rough. You will be okay!! I know it!

[lavenderdove]

At least you know where he stands now and can go from here and work on your healing... Keep going to your counselor to help you with any anxiety you feel, and to help you learb how to find a healthy balance between loving someone and depending on them too much such that you are unable to function without constant contact.

[uncomfynumb]

Right now he is very overwhelmed with work and doesn't want to be stressed about our situation when he needs to concentrate on work.

 

Being stressed out and overwhelmed is like the text book answer for a lot of men it seems, the same excuse that I got.

 

I'm sorry jenmar but I agree with everyone else, that it is probably for the best. Please take a look at my thread in the breaking up section called the 8 week challenge. Maybe it will help you let go and move on like it did me.

 

Let us know how you are doing ok?

[jenmar]

We talked again.. now he is saying "well maybe I can put more effort.. and if we were to get back together how do I know you are okay with having a less serious relationship.. and what if we break up in a couple months or years. is it going to be this dramatic at the end?

 

Idk guys I think he is just confused...maybe I need to stand up for myself and say goodbye.

[lavenderdove]

Look, he has just told you very clearly that he is not a 'family guy' and not interested in a really serious relationship.

 

And you are the opposite, extremely interested in a very close relationship and a serious one where you are very involved in each other's lives. I don't think this is the guy for you, so why prolong it.

 

He may be confused because he liked the sex and doesn't want a dry spell, or really likes you but doesn't want the responsibility, but the bottom line is do you want to buy what he is selling? And if he is only selling a casual dating situation where you're not his steady girlfriend, and he doesn't want a family life (and you have a child), then this isn't going to work and it is best to get over him and move on.

 

You also don't want your son getting attached if he's going to hit the road in a couple years.

 

And something i've learned, when people are worrying about the END of a relationship at the beginning or middle of it, they've basically made up their minds this is not a serious long term prospect for themselves, and you need to take that as a warning he WILL leave someday.

 

Maybe he hasn't found a girl for replace you yet, but wants to see you until someone new strikes his fancy. Many men hate to have long sexual dry spells, and will hang onto a woman far longer than they are serious about her to avoid a dry spell.

[jenmar]

Yeah- Idk I guess I get my hopes all up when he says ok lets work it out.. and then I get confused because an hour before he said no.

 

Idk. You are right.. time to move on..

[jenmar]

Yeah- Idk I guess I get my hopes all up when he says ok lets work it out.. and then I get confused because an hour before he said no.

 

Idk. You are right.. time to move on..

[lavenderdove]

I think he keeps hoping you'll say, sure, it's OK if we don't get serious and you leave in a couple years, and it's ok if i only hear from you once a week.

 

But really, you're not that girl, you want more. In fact, MOST women want more than some guy who wants all his options open, so he's not going to have the easiest time finding someone who agrees to this long term.

 

And some guys do put a big rush on and stay for 4-6 months til the thrill of the initial homrones starts to wear off, then they're off to the next one. So this could well be his pattern, but it's obviously not what you're looking for.

[jenmar]

We talked again last night... since we had kept going back and forth all day on yes we will get back together.. No we wont.. yes we will...I finally got fed up

 

I told him that Today was the last time I was going to ask him, today was the last time I was going to put myself out there..and he needs to make his final decision because I am plain tired of the game playing..

 

he said IDK, can I call you tomorrow evening when I get done with work. I am stressed about the work I have to do.

 

Because I was just emotionally tired I just said ok thats fine and hung up.

 

My sister called me this morning and told me that she had found out from her sister in law that he was infact at a party for a little while saturday and he wasn't home sleeping.. and that he is clearly playing mind games with me and I need to just move on.. no more calls no more texts no more falling for his tricks. He said he doesn't want to work it out, then changes his mind.. obviously this person is confused and doesn't know what he wants..

 

I however know what I want.. and clearly since we are not on the same page.. I need to move on with it.

 

This is just so hard.. especially when sometimes he says he wants to work things out. ..

 

idk.

[1guygirl]

he has lied to you....i would jus back off totally now

 

youve gotten your answers, what else is there to know ?

[jenmar]

I guess im just one of those people that hate to let go.

[lavenderdove]

Jen, I know how you feel... i have totally been there, and most people have.

 

When you have strong feelings and high hopes for someone, it is really hard to let go when they are doing this kind of thing to you.

 

If he was out partying while telling you he was home sick, then he just isn't being sincere, and you can't take anything he says as truth anymore. I think he may be out there shopping to see if he can find a new girlfriend he likes better, and if he can't, he'll hang onto you in the meantime as a backup plan.

 

Personally, i think that is terrible, but lots of people unfortunately behave that way.

 

I think that someone who was sincerely considering whether he wanted to be with you or not, wouldn't be out partying in the meantime. He'd be at home thinking about it, and he wouldn't be lying to you about what he was doing.

 

If it were me, at this point i'd cut him off entirely, if for no other reason than to prevent him jerking you around anymore. Truthfully, he isn't going to work anything out with you by going out and partying with other people!! So he's either just plain lying about his intentions to get back together with you, or he's already decided you're just his backup plan if he doesn't meet anyone he likes better.

 

You do deserve better! So i'd just focus on your own counseling to help you get over him, and get ready for a new boyfriend who does know what he wants, and what he wants is YOU!

[jenmar]

he called me yesterday and apologized, I said you know I would have understood, this guy is a good friend of yours and if there was a party then I would have not been upset if you would have rather done that.

He said he doesn't know why he lied, and he felt bad the whole time and didn't really say much and left. My friend that was there said that he was really quiet and left really early, alone. he wasn't talking to any other females or anything. He grabbed a bite to eat, had a drink and left.

 

He told me yesterday he promises to try harder to see me and wants to try to work things out. I told him I wanted to think on it, because the lie was stupid, and I dont want to go around thinking hes lying all the time. I know everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect, I guess its annoying that he blew me off for some dumb party he was at for a half an hour to an hour then didnt' bother to mention it.

 

IDK i guess I just need to sit down and think.

[1guygirl]

youre making excuses for him now. he lied about sitting at home being sick, its one thing being ok and being invited last min, but if he was so sick he couldnt do stuff with you, then funny how he managed to muster all his strength to get ready and party. he prob left early cos he seen your friend and knew he was rumbled ??

 

try harder to see you??? he makes it sound like its a chore...he shouldnt have to try hard, even when youre taking things slower.

 

i think you REALLY need to back off...and not jus thinkin on this