Coversation after Break up-im left confused

[LazyDaisy]

Yep, I did that many time up until yesterday (three weeks of being broken up, it took me that long to realize saying i miss you and or talking about the rel. just pushes them away)

How long have you been broken up, is he the father of you son, what were the reasons he stated for breaking up

 

just curious.

 

He is not the father of my son but has known him since he was just one.

He broke up with me because of constant fights that I started over the years because I get jealous of time that he spends with his family. He used to never bring me around his family but has been for the past few months. He now has a grandbaby that he spends a lot of time with. I guess I am jealous that he spends time with her now and that my son isn't the baby anymore.

 

I see that you haven't been with your guy that long. Let me just say that if i had learned how to be my own person years ago, it would have saved me a lot of heartache in this relationship. With each fight I feel he loves me less and less, it takes longer after each one for him to get back to saying he loves me and to use pet names. He is getting tired of it. I'm glad that you are getting help early on. I wish that I had done that. He did respond to me that he is going to come to couples therapy with me on Wed and he is coming to my son's party and bringing his whole family, so I am hopeful that we will be reconciling but I know its not going to be easy and I know I have set the relationship back a few steps with my clingy, jealous behavior.

[jenmar]

I hope you can find a good therapist, Ive only been to mine once and I feel a lot better.

 

Today is lunch with the ex. I am so nervous.. We talked yesterday a little bit, he seemed a lot more relaxed, More than likely because I have not brought up the fact that I miss him and want him back since Wed.

 

I have butterflies in my stomach.. and I am not meeting him for another 9 hours!

[LazyDaisy]

I know exactly how you feel. Today is my son's bday party. He is coming. Its also not until later and I can't eat and didn't even sleep and I am going to have a house full of people. I'm exhausted.

 

Try to relax. He is willing to meet you so that is a very good sign. That what I have been telling myself. As long as you are speaking there is still some hope.

[jenmar]

I know there is hope.. I keep reflecting on then negative things that were said.. the crying and the sadness I have been feeling for weeks.

I am so nervous for tonight, I have butterflies in my stomach.. I wish it were easy.. I wish I could just go over and we can hug, kiss and make up... but I know these steps are necessary to hopefully begin a healthier relationship.

 

Even if that is what comes out of this dinner.. I mean there is not promise that we will work it out.. idk, I am scared.. very scared..

[lavenderdove]

Don't put all this pressure on yourself. Remember, if he really loves you, he will want to be with you and will put in the time/effort to work this out.

 

And if he's not all that attached/interested, then no matter what you do it won't turn it around.

 

So it is definitely not like this one meeting will make or break anything. You are better off just trying to have a pleasant time with him, catch up, and not put too much pressure on yourself or him. If he loves you, it will work out, and if he doesn't, it won't, so getting anxious about it won't change the outcome. You need to work on ACCEPTING that what will happen will happen, rather than agonizing about every little scenario that COULD happen.

 

Sit in a chair or lie down and just clear your mind and breathe. Practice thought stopping and refuse to dwell on any of these thoughts for the next 9 hours, or you'll be too worked up by the time you see him... Go do something that takes you mind off it for the next 9 hours, and tell yourself, that whatever was meant to be will be, and all this negative obsessing will only tip things in the WRONG direction.

 

Remember, the goal is to BREAK your obsession with him, so work on that today, just like any other day.

[jenmar]

I keep looking at the positives now.. like he has to care a little to suggest having lunch/dinner with me.

I guess I am putting so much pressure on this meeting, like it is the meeting that will say if he is going to want to work things out or not.

 

Tip from my counselor

 

Thinking about the possibilities is OK-

Putting so much emotion into each possibility is what is unhealthy.

 

right now I have so much emotion I feel like my head is about to spin.

[lavenderdove]

Sometimes the hardest thing in life is to just let things ride... let them take their natural course without having a definitive answer or ALL the answers.

 

I think if you tell yourself, nothing needs to be decided today, it will help lighten things up for you.

 

Really, after all that has gone on between you, it is natural that you will NOT have an answer right now, and just need to spend time enjoying one another and getting to know each other more, rather than being so serious so soon.

[jenmar]

It says in my pamphlet to be like Teflon..feel the emotion then let it slide

 

I am going to have to post more later on tonight after I get back from dinner...

 

He called when he was off work, he asked if I was excited about dinner. I said yes, then of course blurted out I was nervous as heck.. he said why? I was like I dont know.. He said well I think itll be nice to see eachother and see how things go. I said agreed.

 

So hes napping and we are meeting at 6.. that is about 2 hours.. ahhhh.. and yes I totally bought a new shirt to wear... such a dork.

[jenmar]

Fastest dinner ever.. we were there a little over an hour.

I met him there.. he didn't hug me when he saw me or anything we just walked in.

we sat down, talked about our jobs, whats going on in our lives.. nothing major.

ate.. then left.

he walked me to my car.. i said well...we didn't really talk about anything (he had stated that we would talk and see how things go)

he said..well Jen this is a step.. we can not just go back to the way things were, You said it was okay to take things slow.. I said I know it just makes me sad, when we once used to spend the whole weekend together now its just dinner and going our separate ways.. He said he thinks this is a step in the right direction.

 

I said ok.. he hugged me again, kissed me on the forehead. and we left.

 

I am more sad than I was before I left.

[jenmar]

he doesn't say I love you anymore.. hasn't since Feb. 17th.

IDK i am way too negative about this.. I should be happy we at least had dinner. its just hard to start backwards...

[jenmar]

I miss us.

I miss Saturday nights full of laughter, cuddling making dinner together.. and watching movies... I miss when you held me so close when we went to bed and you told me you would always love me.

I miss Sunday Mornings, you made breakfast for me, gave me kisses and told me how much you cared.

I miss the way you used to look at me, as if I was the only one that mattered in the whole world.

I miss the random I love you and xoxo text messages through out the entire day. I miss when you told me goodnight, and good morning, and always called me angel.

 

Where did I lose you?

 

You said this is a start, a start of what exactly? I know what I did was awful, I know that I hurt you and pushed you away.. I just want a chance, a real chance.

 

Seeing you last night was so wonderful. I loved when you hugged me, the feel of your arms around me made me feel like I was home... then when you let go and we went our separate ways, I felt sad... I still feel sad because its sunday morning and I am alone.. here without you, without your arms around me.

 

I am scared I will never have US again. and I don't know how to tell you that, or if I should tell you that.

I know I said we can take things slow, but I didn't realize how difficult it would be. I didn't realize how different it would be..

 

Now I am here.. up at the crack of dawn, crying.. missing you...

[uncomfynumb]

Hey.

 

I've read about the dinner and I think your ex is a smart guy. Now think about this for a minute. Starting things over and taking it slow while you are in therapy will benefit you the most. In fact, you may not be as motivated to complete therapy otherwise.

 

This will help you with your attachment issues and your self control issues. If you were back together fully, there may not be a reason to curb some of your behaviors, you could better justify them.

 

I don't think you have lost this guy at all. This guy is a true friend. Where most would have thrown in the towel by now, he is still there. The distance is good for both of you. He seems to want to fall in love with you all over again. And I can see why you love him so.

 

Please don't feel sorry for yourself. You are lucky, extremely lucky compared to others that are posting here. Try to remember that.

 

((Big Bear Hugs))

[jenmar]

Its hard. I know this is probably the healthiest way to go.

 

But I MISS everything... Don't get me wrong, dinner was lovely, I guess I was just hoping or wanting to fall back into the way we were..

 

He told me we cant just fall back into that, it wasn't working that way. He seemed to get a tad frustrated when he said, jen you said it was okay to take things slow.. this is a step.

 

I guess I am scared he won't fall in love again. I am sad he has fallen out of love with me.. idk

I know I am very lucky.... I actually didn't think we were going to go, I thought he would cancel on me at the last minute.... but he was there.. wearing the shirt I got him for Christmas, and he shaved (I walways told him I like his baby face)

 

Its hard when you are so in love with someone.. and wanting to have those times back.. when they want to restart.. go slow..

 

I texted him this morning and said how I miss when he made breakfast for me, and said it was sweet...

 

I think I am going to quit with the texts until he texts me. Give him a little space to think about stuff.. show him that I am willing to take things slow.

 

even though clearly I am quite anxious to just be together.

[uncomfynumb]

Didn't you change his name in your phone? If not, change it to "Every time I call or text, I smother him!" Imagine it like this.. him suffocating, not being able to breathe, like he has a pillow on his face. Do you want to make him feel like that, this man that you love?

 

The smothering issue is HUGE. Men do not react well to pressure and smothering or to needy, clingy women. Most of them run like hell. That is why your ex is special.

[lavenderdove]

You want to go back to the way it was, but remember he was extremely unhappy with the way it was, so unhappy he broke up with you over it.

 

So just right now stop with the self pity and wanting it the way it was. He wasn't happy, and you have to be as sensitive to his feelings as you are to your own. A relationship is about BOTH your feelings, not just want you want. You have to show him that you respect his feelings, are interested in his feelings, want HIM to be happy, not just you.

 

Go back thru and read your texts to him. And read your 'i miss' talk you posted here...

 

Most of it is about you spilling your feelings all over him and telling him how needy you are. How you miss your breakfasts, how you want him to hold you, how you want him to make you breakfast, how you want him to call you angel, etc. That all screams ME ME ME I WANT I WANT I WANT PAY ATTENTION TO ME ME ME.

 

That's really baby talk, not grown woman talk. You need to start re-framing this to see/understand how HE sees it. From his perspective, it's all a big demand for attention, and what he is really hoping to see from you is an understanding that he is a grown person and you are two, two separate people who come together to have fun and enjoy each other, not because you are a giant pit of need clutching at him like a baby needs its mother.

 

You may see your desires to merge with him as a compliment to him, but really, he is seeing this aching pit of insecurity and grasping at him and inability for you to just let him be an adult and have his own life/times if he needs it.

 

So please quit indulging these feelings... let them happen, but then immediately recognize they are not helping, in fact are harming your relationship. And also recognize that you CAN'T go back to exactly the way you were, because it wasn't working for him. Maybe you felt good, but he felt bad or he wouldn't have left.

 

The first thing you need to do is recognize that you are a grown woman, and start analyzing your own behavior in reference to that. Yes, it is nice that you had some nice warm cuddly times with him, but he can't spend his whole life in a cocoon with you hugging you and calling you angel every minute of the day. And you need to learn to stand on your own two feet, be happy with your life and yourself and being alone some of the time. The only way you can do that is if you are NOT constantly bombarding him for reassurance and demanding that he be your daddy figure.

 

If you want this to work, stop with the i miss you's. A more appropriate text would have been a simple, thanks for dinner, it was great seeing you. Or even better, no text at all, since he told you he wanted to go slow.

 

Now get right back on the wagon and don't text him again until you hear from him. You sent the last text, so wait for him to respond first. And get out and find some other things in your life to focus on besides him. Work your therapy, but also work your life, and don't make him the center of your thoughts and activities.

[uncomfynumb]

LavenderDove,

 

You are amazing! Your advice is always spot on. If you don't do this for a living, you should consider it.

[lavenderdove]

>>I miss the way you used to look at me, as if I was the only one that mattered in the whole world.

 

And this one here is really the crux of the problem. As much as you like it, life doesn't work that way. He has work, friends, other needs, and you are not the only one in the world and never will be. You have to accept that, really accept and understand that, and recognize he and you are separate individuals who need to be able to comfortably live their lives and include other things in it besides each other.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or hard, just trying to get you to recognize that this kind of thinking is what is getting you in trouble. You may think it is all romantic etc., but really, it is toxic to a relationship. Lovers when they first meet are very insular and locked in a hormonal haze, but after a few months, reality does return and you both have lives and other obligations to fulfil other than each other.

 

So he is just trying to live a normal life and needs to trust that you will let him and not make so many unrealistic romantic demands on him. That is what you need to think about, rather than indulging in those thoughts or thinking they are something he should respond to.

[lavenderdove]

One other thing that might help.

 

Sit down and write a list of things he has a perfect right to do.

 

Like, going to the gym, reading a book, working, seeing his buddies, playing tennis, visiting his brother... anything you know he enjoys doing that DOESN'T involve you.

 

Then when you're away from him, imagine him happily doing those things, enjoying himself, living a full life.

 

You need to shift your focus to the time being away from him is making HIM happy, and filling his needs, which will make him happy when he sees you. He is entitled to happiness in other things besides just you, and you need to be happy for him that he can accomplish them without you constantly bothering/texting him and interrupting him.

 

Also make a list of things YOU enjoy doing alone, then start doing them. And if you can't come up with such a list, start expanding your horizons, experimenting doing new things. Develop an identity that is not wrapped up in him. You've lived most of your life except the last few months with him, and you need to get back into that life, fully, and not convince yourself life is not worth living if he isn't spending all his time with you.

[jenmar]

I know...its so hard for me...I want to be strong and independent. I guess I never looked at it as his needs. I've been so overconsumed with my feelings I didn't remember the reason we broke up

I feel a lot better. He even said we will do something next weekend.

[jenmar]

This is a great idea! I need to finally become comfortable with me again..I've been so sad and depressed. it'll be one month on March 13th since the break up. Not a lot of time. So I need to relax and enjoy life..and him when I see him. Not be so sad. No one wants to hang out and be involved with an emotional mess...and that has been me for a while

[lavenderdove]

Hooray! That is good news...

 

Now sit down right now and make a list of fun things you can do during the week til you see him. Go out with friend, get a pedicure, whatever you enjoy doing. And really focus on accomplishing everything in that list. Make sure you have at least one fun thing lined up to do each day, and some fun 'background' things to do in case you find yourself slipping into thinking about him or worrying. Reading a book, cooking, cleaning, whatever might distract you.

 

Get your iPod and listen to some music while you take a walk or clean. You need to get something else playing in your brain besides insecurities and thoughts related to him.

[jenmar]

Well Wednesday I'm going with my sister to her dr appointment. She's 6 months pregnant so thatll be fun. Thursdays packed with work therapy Dr appointments and getting the dog groomed

So ill just keep focus on all of that.

I shouldn't be sad over this. Its a fresh start.

[jenmar]

Just reminding myself it is OK if I do not hear from him every single day.

Starting over... starting SLOW.. baby steps..

 

No need to say hows your day... he can do that.. he has phone.

 

Things hes happily doing:

Playing his video game

seeing his grandma

seeing his sister.

Laundry, getting uniforms ready for the week

cleaning.

 

I am going to do the following and be OK

have dinner...a late dinner. with mom and son.

get my clothes ready for tomorrow.

get my sons clothes ready for tomorrow.

 

Go to bed happily because I had a nice starting over fresh dinner with my ex boyfriend Saturday and eventually he will text me or call me.

 

I have a feeling I will be on here a lot

[jenmar]

He never did call.

What does this mean

 

Idk guys... I am getting either a gut or paranoid feeling that he really isn't going to come around..

 

 

*tears*

[lavenderdove]

Ok, take a step back.

 

Of course he didn't call. He said you were taking it slow, and you already have a date planned for next weekend. Why would he call?

 

Remember, right now he is NOT your steady boyfriend so he won't be calling every day. You have to just accept that, and not sit around expecting him to act like he did before, because he's made it clear that he's not jumping right back into that and is taking it slow. What he is looking for is signs that you are able to function on your own without desperately clinging to him and demanding his attention all the time. So this kind of thinking is exactly what you need to fight.

 

And yes, it is true, maybe you won't get back together. Maybe he is too independent a person for you and wants more time on his own than you are comfortable giving him. Some people like 'in your pocket' relationships where you are together constantly and in constant contact, and other people feel smothered by that.

 

So perhaps the level of contact you want is just something he will never want. Remember the reason he broke up with you is he felt smothered. So right now you have to accept that it will never go back to that exact way again, because he doesn't like it. If that level of contact is essential for you, then it is already over because he won't like it. So your only option if you want to be with him is to stop this kind of thinking, and stop having expectations that you will be in constant contact.

 

Remember, he has said this relationship IS a possibility, but it is not guaranteed. But NO relationship is guaranteed, even one you think is going well. You have to learn to live with uncertainty, and more importantly to learn that you will be fine on your own.

 

And if you have a son, you need to get yourself together emotionally, if not for yourself, then for him. How often a day do you think about your ex, vs. how often you think about your son. You need to step outside feeling sorry for yourself and focus on your son and your life AS IT IS, not living in constant hopes it will be different. Enjoy your son, enjoy each day, and practice letting go of these negative thoughts that are distracting you from focusing on your life and son.