EQIQ Posted February 27, 2010 Share Posted February 27, 2010 Well it will be a good time for you to delete the text then won't it ? It sure is hard to keep from contacting the ex when we feel all that love inside of us and we want to share it, but there is a time for everything. I think with this time you have now you should be trying to learn how to better yourself, so that when he comes around he will be more attracted and at peace with you. Link to comment
jenmar Posted February 27, 2010 Author Share Posted February 27, 2010 Yes I deleted the text.. I need to work on being more confident.. I guess if I had more confidence in myself I wouldn't be so worried about why its been about three days and I have not heard one word. I am frustrated with being frustrated and having no self confidence or security. its an awful thing to live with.. this is one of the things I told him I am working on, so giving in to my insecurities and contacting him will show him that I am not serious and will not change. I hope he sees me not contacting him as a strength not because I dont want to talk to him UGH. Link to comment
EQIQ Posted February 27, 2010 Share Posted February 27, 2010 Go give that site a read, it helped me a lot on gaining some of my confidence back. In the last 2 months of my previous relationship I had become extremely insecure, and needy etc. I was so frustrated that one day I pretty much let that frustration loose the wrong way, and said things that I did not truly mean. (Said that my ex is selfish, stubborn, blah blah blah....) So how about you try and deal with all these negative emotions now before he contacts you again so that you will be in good emotional balance and not do anything you might regret later huh? I mean I need to do the same thing myself.. it seems that studying something, and then not applying it for about 3 months makes you forget it So yeah... lol.. have fun. Link to comment
jenmar Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 Your right. i need to take this time to be sure that I am emotionally ready for at least a reconcilliation... he said when we talked Wed, that dinner would be nice to see if the spark is there.. when we met I was confident, happy, secure... so I have got to get these qualities back and keep them. I guess its the weekend, and I am used to seeing him and spending time with him during this time... Tomorrow would have been our five month anniversary. Sad stuff.. Link to comment
EQIQ Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 You will be fine And yeah weekends are sometimes pretty horrible... Can you do me a favor though? Like I REALLY don't understand girls sometimes lol... have a read of my thread (Ever Felt like You Learned Nothing), and read what I said about her change in her profile thing, and tell me what you think of it? Because it makes absolutely NO sense to me... maybe I am overlooking something... Link to comment
lilypadgirl Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 Keep at it! You're doing well! Whenever you feel the need to text him...post it here instead! Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 Do you have a counseling session lined up for next week? If you don't, first thing Monday, make an appointment and save everything you want to say to him, and tell the counselor instead. Remember, he wanted at least two weeks of a break, and texting him even once, is showing him you are way too dependent on him and can't respect his wishes. i can guarantee there is no way he thinks you don't want him if you don't text him, because he made it very clear the problem is you are too insecure and texting him all the time because of that is a big part of the problem. You need some very clear guidelines when you have this kind of problem, and then you need to stick to them. The first guideline is NO texting at all until you hear from him first. That is hard to do, but should take away any doubt about whether texting him is OK or not. It isn't! He has made it clear he wants a break because you are overwhelming him, and you need to give him that. He has your number and is perfectly capable of texting or calling you if he wants to talk to you.... remember that! You don't have any reason at all to be texting him at this point, no reason is good enough! He wants a break, and texting him will only convince him you are unable to show restraint or respect his wishes. Link to comment
jenmar Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 Good Morning all. Well today is the dreaded would be 5 month anniversary. He said a couple days to a week- So I guess I am getting discouraged because it looks like this is going to take the whole time. Unfourtunatly my thinking is, if he wants to be with me it shouldn't be this hard to make a decision on a second chance.. but I know there was damage done. I had to stop myself this morning, I was thinking all these negative things like well when we broke up he said he was thinking about it for a while I asked if he would change his mind he said probably not. These are two things that are burned into my brain.. and those things are making me think negatively about this whole " give me a couple days to a week to think about it" situation. My counseling session is Thursday, at 3pm. It will be a full hour. I wish it were sooner but they wanted to pair me up with someone that is familiar with my situation and feelings. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 jenmar, I'm glad to hear that you didn't send that text. It was a smart move coming back onto your thread before doing so. Whenever you feel your insecurities creeping over you again and you feel the need to reach out to him make sure you come on here first. You have been given some extremely good advice. I haven't read all your thread and I know I may be in danger of repeating what has already been said but I guess it doesn't help to have it reinforced. There is a possibility that your relationship may be salvagable ... thats not a definate and I don't want to give you false hope ... but there is a chance you could turn things around to work in your favour. You have to tread very carefully and be very patient. You were together for ... what? ... 4+ months? So not a very long-term relationship. I am only too aware that we can still develop strong feelings for someone in that short space of time and that we can hurt just as much when a short-term relationship finishes but I also believe it is easier for a dumper to move on from a short-term relationship than a long-term one .. mainly because there is less history and less to look back on. To that extent there is less conecction to miss. It also sounds that your relationship was marred by your insecurities and it was these insecurities that drove the relationship to its end. Therefore you need to make sure your ex is aware that you are working on your insecurities. You know now your needy behaviour pushed him even further away before and the last thing you want is to push him even further away still. Even if he doens't contact you at the time specified you mustn't contact him ... otherwise it will look like you have been doing nothing other than sit there waiting to hear from him and the moment it goes over the timescale you jump straight back to where you were before. By NOT contacting him, not only will he be aware that you have taken on board his need for space and putting that over and above your own insecurities but you will also be showing him that you are working on yourself and not just going through the motions of what he has asked for. I really hope that makes sense. You have to understand that he needs this space and this time right now. It is the only thing that could salvage this situation. The more you deny him that the more he will want it. Just keep on reminding yourself that contacting him will do more harm than good. I know you miss him but you must be strong. Hang on in there. Link to comment
jenmar Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 Yeah I was thinking that too...we weren't together very long.. we didn't even know each other before we started dating, he is a really good friend of my brother n law, we met at my sisters wedding. We went through something pretty traumatic.. In November I found out I had hpv, and I could have had it for a while... and i more than likely passed it on to him. When I called him to tell him I was very upset and crying.. after I told him, he said oh honey is that all... do not worry about it, I dont care because I am in love with you and this only means our chances of being together forever are greater... I was amazed my this, and even though he was okay with this. This is the point where I got very insecure.. I hid it until January..which is when i started pushing him away.. I am not saying that because we both have this virus we HAVE to be together... I guess I sorta thought (and I shared this with him wed) that no matter what I did he wasnt going to leave.... Huge mistake.. I made huge mistakes during the last month and a half of our relationship. but I can not focus on that, I must focus on the positive.. the advice on this thread is amazing.. I keep re reading it, I want to become a better person... not for him.. for me. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 First off, something like 80% of the population has HPV at some point in their lives... it is very common and it is not the end of the world... many people WAY overreact upon hearing it. It is a wart virus, and warts are everywhere. Yes, some strains of it may lead to cervical cancer after many many years, but people can screen for that and most people get rid of it and have no lasting impact. So don't overreact to that. So the 'we have it together' thing about the virus you could say that you and 80% of the population have the virus together. Expecting him to stick around forever because of this is like expecting someone to stick around together because you each broke your legs once in a car accident. There just isn't any relationship between the two, especially when HPV is basically the norm for the entire population. You are the exception to the rule if you DON'T have it, not if you do. And it is true that many people make the assumption that you can do anything to/with the one you love and they will/have to put up with it... no they don't! People evaluate their lives all the time to decide whether this or that is working for them, and that includes evaluating their relationship the same way. And if it is a short relationship like yours is (less than 6 months) is very turbulent, they may be thinking, if this is this much trouble now, i don't want this for the rest of my life and it will only get worse. Many people make the mistake of thinking their partner is their emotinal dumping ground, where they can do/say anything and it will be OK. So you've learned the hard way that just isn't true. What you need here is to readjust your expectations to match reality/the way things work in relationships. Going to a counselor is a great start, because they can help you learn what are realistic and what are unrealistic expectations for a relationship. It may or may not be too late with this guy, but you will have many many chances with new guys, and you can stop this pattern if you really decide to. So you should be hopeful that you will get what you want from a life and relationship, but shouldn't focus on thinking that this guy is your only chance for happiness, or that you 'need' him to be happy, because you don't. Link to comment
jenmar Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 Yes I know this now, and your right I learned the hard way. I suppose now its just a waiting game to see if he decides to give me a second chance to show that this is not what it would be like forever because i am discovering the way I was acting toward the end of the relationship is destructive and not worth throwing something special out the door.. (fighting over something stupid is not worth pushing a loved one away forever) I probably will post a lot today.. as today is my day off and usually the day I spent with him.. plus it would have been been 5months today.. so its an emotional day.. I am hoping its not too late... Link to comment
jenmar Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 I completely screwed up.. im an idiot. I sent him a text. it said Just wanted to say hello, and see how you are doing. NO response.. I can NOT believe I gave in and actually did it. great. I feel worse than I did before. Now what do I do. I mean he didn't technically say hey don't contact me, he just asked for time to think without being pressured... I dont think saying Hi is pressure. am i wrong. Im worried I ruined it ugh The text was sent 30 minutes ago. Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 I completely screwed up.. im an idiot. I sent him a text. it said Just wanted to say hello, and see how you are doing. NO response.. I can NOT believe I gave in and actually did it. great. I feel worse than I did before. Now what do I do. I mean he didn't technically say hey don't contact me, he just asked for time to think without being pressured... I dont think saying Hi is pressure. am i wrong.Im worried I ruined it ugh The text was sent 30 minutes ago. Good grief! Link to comment
jenmar Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 ? Did I mess up tremendously ? What do I do from here.. nothing.. just let it go. I should have stayed strong, but I am really missing him today since it would have been an anniversary for us... and Sundays were always our day. Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 These are quotes from your original post. On 2/25 I might add... What part of this do you NOT understand? He asked for a couple of weeks and you can't give him three freakin days? Link to comment
jenmar Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 well he said a couple days to a week. I guess i didn't see the harm in saying hi. I had or have no intentions on talking about us. I guess all i can do is not do it again.. hoping he hasn't just gotten annoyed with me and is saying forget it. . Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 He asked for space, you're not giving him space. Honey, this isn't going to fix itself if you keep giving in to contacting him like a junkie gives in to needing a crack hit... you may think that is love, but that has absolutely nothing to do with loving him, it has to do with being addicted to him and contact with him that is not healthy for either of you. You can't take it back, but you can resolve to not send him another one. Google 'thought stopping' and practice that technique, and save your thoughts and feelings for your counselor appointment this week. And if he really wants to be with you, no one text will make him decide not to, so don't dwell on that. But do remember that the whole point was he was tired of your dependency on him, and sending him texts just proves to him that you are still dependent and too needy for him to feel comfortable with. So google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it. You need to break your obssession with this guy. It's not good for you or him. Link to comment
jenmar Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 Okay.. So don't worry that he hasn't responded? I guess I felt that if he didn't respond then maybe he really doesn't want to work it out.. but again its ONLY been a few DAYS.. Just don't do it again.... I have been writing my thoughts and feelings down in a journal so I am prepared for my appointment with the therapist. I just feel like I failed.. especially since he didn't respond. I suppose the reason for NC is to give each persona to think, as well as to not be disappointed and discouraged when not response is provided. I guess the only good thing is I didn't say anything about missing him or our relationship.. just a simple hi how are you. You are right Lavenderlove, this is like an addiction. I am used to speaking to him daily.. so not speaking or hearing from him at all is killing me and making me sad. I think and rethink too much Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 But do remember that the whole point was he was tired of your dependency on him, and sending him texts just proves to him that you are still dependent and too needy for him to feel comfortable with. Yes. Jenmar, delete his number if you can't have self control. Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 Hey, I read again what he said and he did say a couple of days to a week. Sorry about that. But I also don't think he meant that you should contact him after a couple of days. Your ex sounds like a good guy, a decent fellow. I highly doubt knowing how you are he will toture with NC for a long period of time. Let him call you when he is ready. Link to comment
jenmar Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 number deleted. I wish I could erase it from my mind. since he hasn't responded i dont feel the need to send anything else. it will just make me look like i did before. needy I honestly didn't think a hello text would make me seem that way- now i do. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 jenmar!!! Why didn't you come on here before you sent him a text? I know that you don't see a "hi" as harmless but he has been sending you clear messages that he needs space. It doesn't matter what you do or what you say ... if you make contact with him you are invading that space. Imagine trying to tell somebody something over and over again and they refuse to listen ... you feel like banging your head against a brick wall and that may be how he feels when he receives a text ... it doesn't matter how harmless the text is. It is also showing him that you aren't working on yourself or your issues. If you want to hear from him again you should have left well alone. However, I don't think you have done any lasting damage but you may have set things back a little. Link to comment
jenmar Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 I didn't realize, I was just sad.. missing him.. wanting to just say a simple hey whats up... I am hoping because the text was innocent he may not be too annoyed. should I not be worried that he didn't respond? Since this is the week that he wants to think about things..... I am disappointed in myself. Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 I didn't realize, I was just sad.. missing him.. wanting to just say a simple hey whats up... I am hoping because the text was innocent he may not be too annoyed. should I not be worried that he didn't respond? Since this is the week that he wants to think about things..... I am disappointed in myself. Ok girl, snap out of it! You learned something today that will help you in the future. Quit worrying! Do you believe in God or anything of that nature? If so, then look at your faith. Link to comment
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