jenmar Posted March 2, 2010 Author Share Posted March 2, 2010 he called back. I told him I wanted to make sure I do things right. so I asked like if he wanted me to not call or what He told me that calling or sending a text is fine and that he would do the same..he said just some space and time to think.. but doesn't want to cut all contact out completely His birthday is March 22nd. I said it would be nice if we could celebrate it together that weekend.. he said it sure would I am so excited.. I know were not back together but this sure does make it feel semi promising... Link to comment
EQIQ Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 Thats great to hear Just take it easy okay? Remember mistakes you made, and attitudes that you have that might annoy him, or that he doesn't like, and make a conscious effort to avoid doing them. Be as positive as possible. It is really easy when we start communicating with an ex to fall on old mistakes, and repeat them again. I know I have done it, so I am just warning you. If you feel tempted to do or say something, that feels a little not right in your gut feeling, think about it first, see if it is something that you still need to work on.. etc. Good Luck! Link to comment
lilypadgirl Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 he called back. I told him I wanted to make sure I do things right. so I asked like if he wanted me to not call or what He told me that calling or sending a text is fine and that he would do the same..he said just some space and time to think.. but doesn't want to cut all contact out completely His birthday is March 22nd. I said it would be nice if we could celebrate it together that weekend.. he said it sure would I am so excited.. I know were not back together but this sure does make it feel semi promising... I'm so happy for you! Definitely good signs. Remember to keep giving him space and keep up with counseling and keep working on your insecurity. I do want to caution that although he said texting and calling is okay, try very hard not to (aim for once in 2-3 days or so)! You might be stronger than me, but if I was in that situation, it'd be really hard for me not to relapse into texting frequently once I've been given the go-ahead, so I just wanted to make sure you stay on track with the healing process. Again, so happy for you!! Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 That is really great news and very positive!! I know he has given you the green light to go ahead and text him and call him but just remember not to jump in with too much too soon. Link to comment
jenmar Posted March 2, 2010 Author Share Posted March 2, 2010 Yes I think these signs are very positive and I am really happy right now. Worried still because he is still thinking about being together since he is not sure. But I would rather him take his time making his decision rather than hurrying up and either making a decision not to, or to and the regretting it. but he has to have some type of feelings for me and our relationship to be taking so much time into thinking. so now its time to work on me and give him space yet keep in contact. Link to comment
1guygirl Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 ooooo I could crush a grape!!! really pleased for you....SEE...ena advice was spot on again...so dont blow this chance with lots of texts...keep it light and airy every couple of days or so, and I would even let him contact you first on most occaisions, not other way round good luck for thursday too Link to comment
jenmar Posted March 2, 2010 Author Share Posted March 2, 2010 I am pretty excited actually the more I think about it. at first i was disappointed he wanted more time.. but I think he evened it out with the positive side note of still keeping in contact. Everyone has really helped me a lot, and I am sure will continue to help me as my journey sure isn't over! I think I am really lucky to even have a hint of a chance.. so I most def. will not screw it up by overloading the text messages.. keeping it simple for a while.. then hopefully we can meet up for his birthday. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 Sounds very good! Just remember these guidelines: 1. If you feel 'compelled' to text him, then it is probably the wrong time. By that i mean, you're not texting him because you have something to say, but because you are feeling insecure from lack of contact. You should only contact him for positive things, and no more than every other time (i.e., if he texts you, respond, but don't always be the one to initiate contact....) 2. Resolve to absolutely not bicker or give in to wanting to talk about the relationship right now. Don't push for more, and don't push him for an answer until you've had some positive time together that has nothing to do with analyzing your relationhip. If you have fears or concerns to talk about, do it with your counselor, not him. 3. Remember that a partner should not be a lightning rod for your stress or emotional baggage. If you find yourself wanting to cry in his lap about things, just don't! Tears and emotional scenes for any reason (to do with him or not) can be seen as manipulative and painful to the other person having to experience them. Save the tears and emotional revelations for the counselor. It is OK to expect your partner to comfort you sometimes if something really bad happens (losing a job or family member), but if you're in the habit of crying around him (or bickering with him) more than every now and then, that has to stop. That is one of the main reasons men break up with women, because they feel constantly emotionally bombarded and get sick of it. Best of luck, and have FUN with him! Build good times rather than emo times with him! Save the emo for the therapist, that's what they're paid for! Link to comment
jenmar Posted March 2, 2010 Author Share Posted March 2, 2010 I am printing these now, Lavenderlove you,along with everyone else have really given me some strong advice that I will always take with me. I fully understand the extent of damage my actions have caused..(the breakup) and if I were in fact given a fresh chance I have no intentions on making the same mistakes. My counselor sure does have her work cut out for her, but I think that one hour a week is going to be an immense help, along with this forum of course. I am hoping the next couple weeks we can have some FUN conversations and laughter, which will hopefully make him see I am in fact a happy person, not the miserable depressed person i was a couple months ago. I think its possible this is what he meant by lets see how things go the next couple weeks... Link to comment
jenmar Posted March 2, 2010 Author Share Posted March 2, 2010 Some people can be so negative. A friend of mine is telling me I need to go out and date and see whats out there while he is "making up his mind" and hes playing games To me no one understands what happened other than the two people involved. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 It doesn't sound to me like he's playing games. Is he is someone who means what he says? If so, then he probably hasn't made up his mind yet. I'd just go with the flow until a little more time has passed and you see how he behaves when you actually get together and meet. Link to comment
jenmar Posted March 2, 2010 Author Share Posted March 2, 2010 Yes, he doesn't just say things to say them. @ least I don't believe so... I don't believe that he would be leading me on to believe he is thinking about us working things out if he is not.. I mean he already broke up with me, what would there be to gain there? He knows how much I care and how much I want to work things out, he wasn't even speaking to me until we talked last Wednesday when he asked for some time. I am just going to see what unfolds.. I am not putting all my eggs in one basket assuming that we are getting back together.. but it sounds hopeful to me. Link to comment
jenmar Posted March 3, 2010 Author Share Posted March 3, 2010 discouraged. I messged him yesterday to see how his day was. no reply all day. Idk.. I am starting to think about my emotional health. I am really worried over this, I am not eating.. I get up in the middle of the night for hours. I stomach is always upset.. Some may think that this situation is great.. that he is at least thinking... but to me its hard to hear that someone you love so much is thinking weather or not he wants to work things out with you... and wants another week or two on top of that and then doesn't reply to your texts.. its hurtful. He has not set a concrete day on when we will see each other.. its just frustrating. especially since I miss him so much I understand my insecurities had pushed him away... but maybe its not possible to get him back, especially since he was thinking about breaking up with me weeks before it actually happened. I think because emotionally he checked out of the relationship weeks before it ended.. and I am not sure how to get him back without being able to see him or have regular conversations. I have not seen him in about a month. Wouldn't he realize he missed me by now. I am emotionally drained at this point. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 4, 2010 Share Posted March 4, 2010 Jenmar, what you need to work on is finding peace within yourself, regardless of whether he is around or not, or whether he gets back with you or not. You can start working on that today. How did your counselor's visit go? You should try to focus on that rather than focus on him... the counselor can be very helpful regardless, and help you through if you do end up breaking up. Try to practice thought stopping (google it) and distract yourself with friends, watching movies/TV/DVDs, reading, anything so that you don't obsess about this all day. Link to comment
jenmar Posted March 4, 2010 Author Share Posted March 4, 2010 Therapy went nicely. She suggested DBT Group therapy.. she said that she will be working with me on an individual basis DBT stands for Dialectial Behavior Therapy.. its two hours per week plus and hour a week individual. It helps people handle situations with skillful responses rather than, ineffective, maladaptive, or non skilled behavior. also gave me a pamphlet on Taking hold of your mind... Its a lot to think about- We talked yesterday, asked me out for a late lunch on Saturday @ 5pm. Small talk today.. nothing major. I have no plans to text him until Saturday to confirm plans. I need to work on me. I would love it if he would join me for the ride, but in all honesty I cant force him, and I dont want someone I have to convince to be with me.. I realized today I have been handling the situation more wrong than right. So much progress in one hour.. I cant wait until I look at myself a couple months from now. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 That is very good then! It sounds like you have a decent counselor and she can really help you... Remember, you will be fine no matter what happens... even if he says he doesn't want the relationship, you are learning new skills that will help you have a great relationship in future. And if he doesn't want the relationship, he doesn't love you enough to be with you permanently, so best to let him go. People who really love you stick around to work thru things, especially if they see you are trying and taking steps to do so. Link to comment
jenmar Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 Yesterdays conversations went nicely I think. I sent him a text about a movie I watched.. simple convo, then I decided to leave it at that and just wait until saturday. He texted me last nght around the time I go to bed... It was weird but nice. Just said, hey, what ru doing.. I told him, he said oh, im still driving (for work) I said, wow how amazing is that (sarcasm bc he is always driving...) I asked how is day was he said good, urs? i said can't complain.... that was the end of it. baby steps.... Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 I think you should post what is in that pamphlet here and perhaps create another post for others to read in the breaking up section. You have simply got to control your urge to reach out. Stop texting him. The more space you can give him, the better off you will both be. Everytime you text him, you force him to think and to respond to you. You may not think it is a lot of pressure, you may not see it as smothering but it is to a man. Their brains work different than ours. Another poster had the great idea to change their ex's name in their phone so she was reminded of her situation everytime she got the urge to call him. This is a great idea and may help you. Change his name in your phone to GIVE HIM SPACE. It may help you with your obessive and compulsive need to to contact him. I'm glad that counseling is going well. You are doing great and this is the best thing that you can do for yourself. Please keep us posted on your progress. Link to comment
jenmar Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 Ok- I can work on that tonight to share with everyone, I just changed his name- I did text him earlier today that said Good Morning, have a nice day but will leave it at that. If he doens't reply its ok, we are having lunch tomorrow. Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 ((hugs))) I hope you have a great day girl! Link to comment
jenmar Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 Thanks... me too..I shut my phone off and will not turn in on until later.. that way there will be no attempt to keep looking at it every 3 minutes. lol Posting more later! you guys are the best. Link to comment
LazyDaisy Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 Jenmar, I am just like you. Only I have been with my guy for 4 years. 4 years of my insecurities messing things up. We are not speaking right now and it takes all my strength not to text him. I have been seeing a therapist. I wanted to ask you what type of therapist are you seeing and how did you find this person? I am just seeing a social worker. I would be interested in the DBT therapy and some group counceling. Do you live in the US? You can PM with the answers if you want. You are not alone, I am just like you. I have barely ate all week, I haven't exercised all I do is obsess over him. The world stops when he is mad at me. Its crazy. Link to comment
jenmar Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 I went to a counseling organization called Chestnut Ridge Counseling services, I live in Pennsylvania. you have an intake appointment and you are matched up with a Therapist that will suit your needs. When he doesnt text me or reply to a call or something my world stops as well.. I cant think of anything else. Its really awful.. I pushed him so far away that I am not sure if he will come back. Link to comment
LazyDaisy Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 I went to a counseling organization called Chestnut Ridge Counseling services, I live in Pennsylvania. you have an intake appointment and you are matched up with a Therapist that will suit your needs. When he doesnt text me or reply to a call or something my world stops as well.. I cant think of anything else. Its really awful.. I pushed him so far away that I am not sure if he will come back. I feel the same way. We are broken up but my son is having a bday party tomorrow and he is coming. He was just texing me giving me the number of people he is bringing, and food, etc. I made the mistake of texting back how much I miss him. No response! Now I can't concentrate on work and I'm a mess. When will I ever learn. I was going to wait to see how tomorrow went before saying anything but I just couldn't help myself! Link to comment
jenmar Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 Yep, I did that many time up until yesterday (three weeks of being broken up, it took me that long to realize saying i miss you and or talking about the rel. just pushes them away) How long have you been broken up, is he the father of you son, what were the reasons he stated for breaking up just curious. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.