lavenderdove Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 You will be fine... and you're right, you just do need to fill up this painful time with keeping busy doing other things to distract you. Eventually the pain will be replaced by anger at him (which is deserved) and an easier emotion to deal with than grief, and then eventually you will accept it and be able to NOT still have tender emotions for him... really, once you hit that clear light of day stage where you see his behavior for what it really was, really accept it both logically and emotionally, you will be fine... Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 The cheating is obviously bad, but he isn't necessarily lying about the lack of sex or bad relationship with his wife. I'm sure many people lie about that to gain sympathy, but given the amount of "we aren't having enough sex" posts on ENA, I don't think it's that unlikely. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 The cheating is obviously bad, but he isn't necessarily lying about the lack of sex or bad relationship with his wife. I'm sure many people lie about that to gain sympathy, but given the amount of "we aren't having enough sex" posts on ENA, I don't think it's that unlikely. He isn't married. If he isn't happy, all he has to do is walk away. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 He isn't married. If he isn't happy, all he has to do is walk away. Oops. I didn't say he couldn't walk away. I just said that he isn't necessarily lying. Link to comment
Startingover2007 Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 Oops. I didn't say he couldn't walk away. I just said that he isn't necessarily lying. However, if his relationship is so horrible and he isn't having sex with his girlfriend, nor is he married to her...why would he remain in the relationship? Why would he have choosen the girlfriend when the OP was having sex with him and wasn't horrible to him. He was lying!! Link to comment
Annie123 Posted February 22, 2010 Author Share Posted February 22, 2010 Hi If his relationship was as he described then yes he could have walked away and i ask myself that question everyday why did he opt for that relationship over what we had. Something i've not said about him is whilst we were together he would discuss past relationships and he's not been able to stay faithful to his girlfriend at the time, the excitement and fun of betrayal or doing something naughty was foremost and he would betray his girlfriends. I do believe him when he says there was no sex because the issues he described with his girlfriend i don't think you can make something like that up the details were quite graphic. I do believe he deceived me in how much he cared for his girlfriend and thats why he's with her today and not me. also he knew when he was with his girlfriend it would piss me off and when i use to ask questions even though he knew i'd get annoyed or stroppy with him he always told me the truth that he was with his girlfriend and what they had done. He could have lied about all those times as i would be none the wiser but he chose to tell the truth knowing how i would behave. i know this is awful i keep thinking he's going to come crawling back and i really don't trust myself and what i will do, somebody talk some sense into me please. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 Look, maybe he's the one with big sex hangups... he likes to have a girlfriend who is 'pure' or maternal or whatever, then a woman for hot sex on the side. He has already told you he can't stay faithful, so he would never stay faithful with you either, even if he did leave his girlfriend for you. There's an old expression that when a man marries his mistress, that creates a job vacancy. So he could promote you to girlfriend, then go looking for another woman to have sex on the side with. his past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. So if he tells you he cheats and can't stay faithful, that is what he does, and he will continue doing. you think you will somehow 'win' him then everything will be fine, but he's still the guy who was more than willing and able to cheat on his girlfriend, and he'd do that even if you became his primary girlfriend. People don't change their moral character at this age. Cheaters like this with a repeating pattern do it because they like it, and they don't see the need to change. Perhaps he chooses an asexual girlfriend so that he doesn't have to worry about her running out and cheating on him while he's cheating on her. I've known quite a few cheaters who specifically pick these kind of women, and don't care if they're having sex with their partner because they know they'll be out getting sex from others whenever they feel like it, so who cares if the one at home is giving it to them? They'd rather she just be at home taking care of the home while he gets to run around on her. Remember, a cheating guy is not going to turn into a good guy just because you want him to or because he leaves the girlfriend. He is who he is. Link to comment
Annie123 Posted February 22, 2010 Author Share Posted February 22, 2010 i want to cry..........i was so strong yesterday and today....... i'm so stupid for missing someone who doesn't give and keep hoping he comes back to me....and what for so he can treat me like crap....i don't know why i'm putting myself through this...... Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 Remind yourself what you are missing is the *illusion* of having a boyfriend and partner. You can get all that good stuff with someone else, and this guy wasn't even really offering you that. He was fun and you have the sensation of having a boyfriend, but he wasn't yours... he belongs to someone else. What you are missing is closeness and sex and exitement and someone to talk to etc etc., and you can and WILL find that with someone else. He's not the only guy in the world, and really, you need to find a guy who has a decent character and is willing to offer you those things full time, rather than just when he can sneak away from his girlfriend. Link to comment
KittyBoo Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 Hi i know this is awful i keep thinking he's going to come crawling back and i really don't trust myself and what i will do, somebody talk some sense into me please. What advice would you give to a sister or best friend in the same situation? Link to comment
anggrace Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 sex does not equal intimacy. the man is playing you and has already made his choice. he will not 'come back' to you because he's already stated that he wanted to stay in his alleged cold relationship and just be friends with you. he has left the door open for you to remain the other woman. that's all. cheaters are liars through and through. you can't believe a word he says. Completely agree with this Link to comment
KittyBoo Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 i want to cry..........i was so strong yesterday and today....... i'm so stupid for missing someone who doesn't give a and keep hoping he comes back to me....and what for so he can trat me like crap....i don't know why i'm putting myself through this...... You're not stupid. You are a human being who is hurting and healing. We all have strong moments where we think we are going to be fine and then all of a sudden we have a relapse and think it will never get better. I don't have children myself but I guess you could compare it to being in childbirth. You want the pain to end but you have to go through it to get the wonderful prize at the end of it all. You are going through the pain now but down the road it will have been worth it because by staying strong today you are giving yourself a chance to find someone who will truly be deserving of you Link to comment
mikem Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 i want to cry..........i was so strong yesterday and today....... i'm so stupid for missing someone who doesn't give a and keep hoping he comes back to me....and what for so he can trat me like crap....i don't know why i'm putting myself through this...... You are going through the process of mourning the end of a relationship. It's like your soul is healing, but it's sometimes painful. I went through this for a few weeks when I realized that the relationship I had was officially over. You'll get through this and eventually the 'light' will breakthrough the clouds. When the 'light' comes, their is a joy that comes with it and a sense of entering back into the 'land of the living'. I know it seems tough right now, but YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS.... God bless you. You seem like a very kind person. There will be someone better for you in the future. Link to comment
arcadefire Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 You are being so strong deleting his number and facebook etc. You need to block him on facebook and show him that you can care less what he thinks. The best way to move on is to completely ignore him. He'll go nuts trying to get you to communicate with him when all this while you're just moving on to a better man! Link to comment
Annie123 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Share Posted February 23, 2010 I have guys i've deleted everything its been over a week, i have nothing of him that reminds me of him, i'm so much better than before i just had a relapse. i met up with a friend yesterday and she's going through a divorce she was with her ex for 25years and she's 6years after they split she's still struggling to move on and i did tell her to do all the things i have, no contact, make a list of all their negative aspects, write a journal, exercise eat healthy do retail therapy go out with friends i've done all of those and continue to do them. the gap he's left in my life needs to be filled and i really do focus on the future. i suppose i entered into a relationship after 9yrs it had been a while and i didn't know what to expect or how things would turn out, wish i had, had some guidance at the time. i was really not ready too inexperienced and innocent to see what i was letting myself in for and what the outcome would be. for 3 weeks i'm not eating properly last night i didn't even sleep properly just feel really sad and lonely... Link to comment
Annie123 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Share Posted February 23, 2010 i'm really down today....all i want to do is cry.....i'm sick of talking about him, i'm sick of thinking about him, i'm sick of missing him and making myself miserable......i just want to let go and move on....and i'm finding it so hard....i feel pathetic because i was only with him 4 months......why have i let someone affect me like this in such a short period of time.....i just need someone to say somthing reassuring......please Link to comment
crimson-rose Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 Hey Annie, im so sorry this has happened to you, i know it is the most terrible feeling in the world! Just before christmas i let myself get close to a guy but he went back to his ex..i was crushed and every day since he has been gone there has not been a minute when i haven't thought, cried or talked about him. Like you we were only seeing eachother for a short period of time, but in that time we possibly shared the most intimate moments of my life. Its the point where the relationship is so fresh, new and exciting and to have it ripped away from you so suddenly is devastating! I think it is totally normal to feel this way even after a short amount of time, especially for the one who gets left on their a*se while the other is so selfish. They just think about themselves and what is best for them. Even they probably find it hard to let what they had with you go, but the person they choose to be with offers them a home, familiarity and financial stability..why don't they choose love and passion hey?! What happened to that?! We have continued to stay friends, like you we unfortunately work together..a bit closer than i would like as well.. and it kills me every day to know that i can never be with him. I spend my whole day staring at him and finding excuses to talk to him or be close to him. We talk on facebook and text messaging and he tells me he has been thinking about me and he is sorry time and time again..but in the end sorry kind of loses its meaning doesn't it. He even said to me he doesn't know whether to call it love (that he feels for me), hes probably saying that to keep me close or to make me feel better or him less guilty.. but point is he still keeps me hanging on. You are so brave to be able to delete him, honestly it takes such strength to let someone you feel so strongly for go. To this day i struggle to even concentrate on my day to day life. I can't eat, sleep or work without him being on my mind and he is stopping me from living. I have so many things that need doing but i just feel so unmotivated because HE is all i want! I have even considered myself that i may have fallen for him. I know it is so hard and i am sorry i can't really give you any words of advice because even i myself don't know what will help, but i guess maybe you can take comfort knowing that your not alone in this and we are all here to support you. You are doing so, so well hun don't give up! If you ever need to talk give me a PM take care x Link to comment
rose666 Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 He is a cheater...plain and simply...he doesn't care about you, nor does he care about his girlfriend. In his mind both of you are simply on this earth to serve his needs. He takes whatever he can get from his gf and then takes whatever he can get from you. He is a taker, but not a giver. He gives just enough to be able to make sure you and his gf will give him what he needs....attention, adoration and whatever other perks he gets from either of you. I am sure he has other women he is stringing along as well so I would walk away from this guy and not look back. I can't add anything more. This says it all. This guy is totally selfish and a manipulator, liar, etc. You have already made your decision. It takes many women (or men) a lot longer to break off this kind of relationship. You were already strong. Believe me, just get this guy out of your life completely. I speak from experience. Link to comment
mikem Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 It's interesting the parallels you have with other people. The last lady I was with, there was a 10 year gap between serious relationships. When I was younger, it took awhile for my soul to heal, but it wasn't as intense. The last lady I was with, it lasted a year and initially I was just kind of numb after the breakup, but there was some questions whether she was cheating on me. Because of those questions, I didn't really mourn the end of the relationship. A month ago, I found a picture of her on facebook holding hands with another guy and it hit them that it was 'officially' over. I hurt for awhile in a way that I hadn't ever hurt after a relationship. However, I'm coming out of it now and I'm SOOO THANKFUL. It's like coming into 'spring' and a new life after being through a wintery period there for a few weeks. I'm glad you are healing. You're a quality person. Maybe this will help you to evaluate the type of man you really want to be with. Sometimes knowing what you DON'T WANT helps you to determine what YOU DO want. I think sometimes those 'toxic' type relationship, if you learn from them, can be a 'turning point' of sorts to moving on to finally finding the right person for you and also having a better sense of direction. They sometimes reveal some unresolved issue somewhere. If properly evaluated, I believe, you can turn your 'lemone' into lemonade, if you will. This is an article about "Toxic Men", but it applies to both genders: link removed God bless. You are on the road to better things... Link to comment
Annie123 Posted February 24, 2010 Author Share Posted February 24, 2010 Hi I woke up crying this morning. my head hurts from thinking about him, my mouth hurts talking about him. my eyeys hurt from crying about him.......... i think if he hadn't made me feel so special and said so many things that made me think things could be really good for us...i wouldn't be like this....... half the time i feel like a zombie just doing everything on autopilot because i'm not thinking about what i'm doing...too busy thinking about him. i've always been a reserved person so keep only a very few slect friends close to me. i lay my heart open to him....he knew i was inexperienced, senstive and innocent whe it came to relationships and all he did was look after himself and his girlfriend and left me to get hurt. i think he should have taken better care of me.....and that hurts alot that he just thought 'oh she can sort herself out'... It's his birthday next monday...i think what made things worse was after we split his birthday presents i ordered had arrived. i wasn't too sure what to do with them i really wanted to give them to him because he had always bought me very nice and expensive gifts. But after i said 'no contact' to him i reaslised that deep down i was holding on to the hope that when his birthday came i could give him the presents and he'd get to see me and reaslise maybe he's made a amistake......don't worry i came to my senses and sent the birthday presents back and got a refund. as i'm going through 'no contact' phase what do you think...do i text him/email, send card him to say happy birthday or not? he's not getting any presents then again i don't want him to think thats my way of trying to make up and be friends either...but i also think it's a bit mean that i was intimate with this person i really likes them, things didn't work out.....but i don't even say happy birthday....i'm confused somebody tell me what to do here. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 He lied to you and used you, all the while having a real partner that wasn't you...definitely do NOT contact him for his birthday. Link to comment
Annie123 Posted February 24, 2010 Author Share Posted February 24, 2010 please someone help.....i've started to cry again and i'm at work...i've locked myself in the office and switched the light off...so everyone thinks i'm not in....everything is miserable and gloomy. do men hurt and feel the pain of the breakup? what do they go through....if i knew he was miserable and hurting i'd probably feel better Link to comment
ScubaDiva Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Hi Annie It's quite normal to feel the way you do - just let it out. You will eventually start to feel stronger. Is there any way you can take a few days off? This guy is such a rat - really not worth your tears and emotion. Hopefully you will realise that soon. Link to comment
Annie123 Posted February 24, 2010 Author Share Posted February 24, 2010 I took days of and they drove me insane....all i did was obssess over him, cry and try to think where i'd gone wrong and why he was doing this to me......i feel for everyon eon here thats listening to me rant on about this stupid idiot.......because i'm finding it hard to move on and come to terms to what's happened..... Link to comment
mikem Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Hang in there. I believe you are dealing not only with the breakup, but the betrayal of it. I felt the same way after I saw the pictures of my x holding hands with another guy on facebook. There is something about the betrayal of it, because the message they gave about how much they 'loved you' conflicted with the reality of their behavior and their true character. Hang in there. You will get through this. I know exactly how you feel, and I'm a man. You just got to let it out, forgive them, continue with NC and go forward. What you are going through is your emotions and soul processing everything. You will come through this a stronger, wiser person. Thank God you sent the gift back and didn't contact him on his birthday! That's hugely important! I believe what happened to me will end up being a 'turning point' to something more positive. I believe the same is true for you. I look forward to your posts titled "Feeling better.." God bless you... Link to comment
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