I was the other woman....I need advice

[ScubaDiva]

Start by taking him off the pedestal. You have a lot of courage and now you need to shift the focus on to you. Read books, get different perspectives, join the gym - start making plans - little steps... Try stop thinking of him - every time you start - stop the thought process. He's in the past now - you made a bad decision and you're taking steps to make things right. I bet his girlfriend has no idea on his distorted views of their relationship and would be very surprised if this came out in the open.

 

There is a time to mourn and then a time to move forward - stronger and wiser. One door closes, another opens. Something better is around the corner for you that is more in alignment with your soul.

[Annie123]

Hi Scuba

 

I do all of that, i go to the gym 4/5 times a week, bought several self help books read them daily, go out with friends, write a journal, focus on the negatives.

 

today when i left work i look at where his office was and he was stood there making a call i quickly looked away and walked close to the walls so he couldn't see me. that one little glimpse of him........ made me miserable

 

i felt like this whole breakup hasn't even affected him he's going about work like normal. you guys have no idea how hard i'm trying right now to move on the past couple of days have been really weak ones.

 

i'm generally a strong person, whilst i was with him i'd forgotten that.....i've made my self vulnerable to him....now i'm trying to get my strnegth again and move on......

 

it's difficult when all you want to do is walk back to the person you care about. i wish more than anything he hadn't left the door open for me to go back to him whenever i wanted to....thats's what makes this 10 times harder because i can have all my happiness back in a sec...one text is all it will take...fighting that urge to end my misery takes all my strength

 

if i knew i couldn't go back it would be so much easier to let go and move on.....god i hate myself for wallowing in self pity and making myself miserable and giving you guys an earache

[HeartGoesOn]

Annie

 

I don't have much to add here other than you know that you're better than this, and deserve someone who is true to you. Remember, one day at a time.

 

Hang in there, be good to yourself, and hugssss!

[ScubaDiva]

"i wish more than anything he hadn't left the door open for me to go back to him whenever i wanted to..."

 

Annie,

 

You seem to be focusing on this... as though this is some kind of freedom of choice which you are torturing your mind with as if you have the power to decide to have him back. Thing is, you'll never really have him, you never have - she has him - good luck to her (what a catch - NOT)! He is such a selfish git who is playing you like a harp.

 

If you picked up the phone now and rang him - what will it achieve?

Are you going to waste away another 9 years of your life without the prospect of finding true love or having a family of your own, enjoying special occasions with someone who truly cares for you etc etc

 

It's understandable that you're going to feel a bit lousy for a while as this went on for so long - it's breaking a bad habit. Hang in there...

 

Have you thought of changing jobs? That would probably be the best thing for you.

 

You are doing so much better than you think - keep up with the gym and the reading. I'd seriously advise to look for a change of scenery too...

[Annie123]

your right i do keep focusing on that he has left the door open for me to go back......and i am torturing myself over it...and your right i never really had him he belongs to someone else......and he's not a catch.

 

i love my job, and i don't want to change it because of him. we are in separate offices at different end of the building you have to go out of your way if you want to bump into each other. id don't i go straight home.

 

 

if i rang him i have no idea what i'd say....something pathetic no doubt that'll make me feel worse for calling him in the first place.

 

i feel better right now so many of you have come back and helped with what you've said.

[Annie123]

Everybody

 

My ex made contact with me last night..asking me 'you ok'.....i haven't responded and i won't because i don't want to break the 'no contact' rule

 

i was clear to him about making no contact and being left alone....why has he done this? i've been miserable for 2 days and i know thats because i've let go of him a bit more.

 

i felt really good this morning....... positive and then i check my messages and he's text .....reminding me he still exists.....what does he even care how i am....when we were finishing he hid behind his texts and didn't face me like a man...the coward...he chose his girlfriend...what does he want now.......

 

i hate men.......not all of them...but you know what i mean

[ScubaDiva]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit more positive today. Personally, I wouldn't respond. He's testing the waters to see how you respond - probably fancies some sex. Don't play to his tune. The more distance you give this, the better your perception and therefore, the better choices you will make.

 

Try shifting the focus on to you now... when he comes into your mind, stop that thought and think of something else - maybe buying a nice new dress or doing something special for yourself?

[Annie123]

i am i've started to focus on me the pain and hurt is 80% less than it firts was, i am more focused on work. i have bought 2 pairs of new shoes, 4 tops, 2 new nighties, go for massages, out with friends,, the gym...really looking aftermyself for over a week now.

 

i suppose i needed i'd been miserable because i missed the company and him, the text made me realise he stil thinks about me, it's all i need to make me stonger and carryingon moving forward. sounds silly sometimes when you don't hear from them you think have they really got over me that quickly didn't i mean anything to them and then you hold on for longer and start self analysing yourself. now that he's made contact again i have absolutley no urge to contact him as has been the case since we soplit over 3 weeks ago and its just made me stronger thinking..how dare you ask how i am...its none of your bsuiness you gave the right up to ask me that question and if you think i'm still waiting for you or pining over you you've got another thing coming'.....

 

does that make sense?

 

as the love heart lady quote says.....i am going to dance..i am going to dance....

[ScubaDiva]

That's so good to hear Annie - keep up the hard work.

 

On a side note, a friend was telling me about a girl at work who had been having an affair with the boss for around 7 years. Recently, the wife found out and went ballistic and threw him out of the house. He stood to lose 50% of everything - the various houses, cars, businesses etc.

 

Within days, he ended the affair and this girl lost her job too - all on the demands of the wife. It just goes to show doesn't it! Now she has no income and has been shown how "important" she is. Very sad... We won't even talk about the wasted 7 years. The wife and husband are also making a go of it again.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. You're going to have good days and bad days - just roll with it. Time will heal.

[Sanesoul]

Stay strong Annie, it will get better and better everyday.

[lavenderdove]

>>i can have all my happiness back in a sec...one text is all it will take...fighting that urge to end my misery takes all my strength

 

No you can't have your 'happiness' back because that happiness was an illusion. You were happy at the thought of having a *real* relationship with him, not happy with being the other woman. You can't 'unknow' what you know now, that he considers you second best to someone else. You are good enough to be a 'snack' now and again, but his main course is the girlfriend.

 

Also, i think it is just horrible that he is leaving the door/option open. That is how little he cares about your feelings, that he knows what you want, what would make you happy, and couldn't care less as long as he's getting some sex on the side.

 

And i can guarantee he'd slam that 'open door' shut the second you asked him, 'how about we make this a real open relationship, and you tell your girlfriend you are dating me too..' He'll slam that door shut so fast your head will spin, and disappear while he's at it. It's a one way street, where he gets what he wants, and you're his dirty little secret he hides from his girlfriend, the one who is really important to him. He's protecting HER feelings, but doesn't give a hoot whether you see him or not... either is OK for him because he doesn't care that much about you. He's in a take it or leave mode with you, and that is a terrible place for you to be and miserable on your self esteem.

 

And guys who are willing to put other women in this position are really just self centered jerks, and really heartless, because they don't care about the effect of their behavior on your heart and life. He's all about arranging his life in a way that is comfortable for him, and you're just a beggar at his door. Please don't be a beggar, you deserve so much more than the crumbs he throws your way when he's in the mood...

[Annie123]

Your right.................

 

i am much happier today and feel a lot more positive......much stronger in my resolve to move on and not let him suck me back....

 

the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter everyday.

 

i won't be a beggar i have too much self respect thats why i walked away in the first place and have stuck to my guns on what i decided...

 

i'm going to make all of yolu proud of me.

 

annie

[lavenderdove]

Annie, that is great!

 

Just take it a day at a time, and you will get over him. Remind yourself every day that he's just offering you crumbs, and you deserve a banquet!

[Annie123]

Guys

 

Today i feel brilliant so many of my work colleagues have said they've noticed a big change in me compared to the past few weeks.

 

I've thought about my ex but nowhere near as much as i use to. the hurt and pain has reduced significantly. i'm focusing a lot less on him. i really enjoyed work today as well.

 

i hope the rest of the days are just as good. i'm optimistic but realistic. i think i'll be on a downer on Monday when it's his birthday....i'll try hard not to but i'll be focusing on how i wanted to spend it with him.................i won't be breaking 'no contact' rule he won't be getting a 'happy birthday' from me.

 

i think i was waiting for his birthday to come and go and i think i'll probably let go completely after that. it'll be a month on his birthday since we split....i'll celebrate that instead the best thing i did.........

[Annie123]

i knew the happy phase wasn't going to last........been to the gym and shopping.....still feel really down and i'm starting to miss my ex...i think its because it's his birthday tomorrow and we won't be celebrating it together.............

[lavenderdove]

Don't let it get to you... healing is cyclical, where you'll have some good days and bad days and some reversals, especially around holidays and special event days like birthdays that remind you of him.

 

Remember, he'll be celebrating it with HIS GIRLFRIEND, not you. And most likely he wouldn't have celebrated it with you either. He might have taken a phone call or accepted a quick present but he'd be going home to celebrate with his girlfriend.

 

Keep your eye on the prize, which is a guy who wants you all the time and is yours alone. Why buy birthday presents for someone else's boyfriend???

[mikem]

The grief kind of comes 'in waves'. Know how it is. It's just a 'season' though and subject to change. You will get through this.

[ScubaDiva]

I'm a big believer in making plans... it gives you hope - do you have any holidays booked or places you would like to see? Start planning, even if it is a while down the line... Maybe look into doing a course or getting involved in a group activity of some description? Do something that will make you feel good about yourself - a bit of volunteer work maybe? It will also put things into perspective.

 

Keep your head up. The pain you feel now will subside. Feel the wave of emotions and then let them go.

[lavenderdove]

Yes, make plans with some other friend to go out for drinks tonight... don't focus on doing ANYTHING to do with him, even walking by looking good... that may make you feel good for a few seconds, then you'll be depressed when it's over. Going out with a REAL friend will make you feel better and give you something to focus on.

[Annie123]

just another 5 hours to go and then it'll be over, and i will have let go of him some more.....i've done nothing but lock watch all day....i felt i'd cave in, i haven't yet.....

[lavenderdove]

Annie, above all, be kind to yourself!

 

You don't have to be perfect at getting over him, so don't put that pressure on yourself. I mean really, i think of you and remember what i went thru with my married guy who lied about being married, and know the answer is to just try to be kind to yourself and keep yourself distracted with other things that AREN'T him for a while, until you don't care anymore.

 

I also know that you need to recognize you deserve so much more than this guy, and he really doesn't deserve any more or your time and attention because he was willing to use you to fill his own needs, and really offer you next to nothing in return other than a little charm and a little hope for something that will never come to pass.

 

You can find everything this guy offers you AND MORE from someone else. It is really the same principle as investing... why throw more good money after bad investing more in something that will profit you nothing, when you could be spending that time, effort, and that LOOKING GOOD on someone else who is a better opportunity. They call that the opportunity cost in investing, where you shouldn't waste your time/money on opportunities that will offer you little return. The same applies in love and romance, invest your time and energy in someone who will return you a full and happy life, not just charm and not much else.

[Annie123]

I feel horrid today, i satyed strong in my resolve i didn't text or email him happy birthday i didn't see him. i did nothing i just clock watched until midnight when his birthday was finally over.

 

i know i did the right thing, its another step to letting go and moving forward but i feel awful and want to cry. i juts think of the the things he bought me on my birthday, which by the way have ben stashed away out of sight so they don't remind me of him.

 

i'm sick of asking myself 'how could have i got it so wrong with him'? i am a very good judge of character so why didn't i see him for what he is, its less painful and hurtful now, thinking about is becoming more of a headache....

 

i knew these few days would be miserable becaus eif i wasn't going to contact him on his birthay i knew i'd be letting go of him a little more...which i know when i take a step towards doing this i'm always upset and miserable. lets hope tomorrow or the day after are better days.

 

it's 4 weeks since we split. if i'm here still going on about him at week 8, somebody is going to have to slap and shake me to my senses. i won't allow someone to affect me for so long, week 8 is my cut of point.

[lavenderdove]

What you got wrong was just listening to his charm and the fun factor, without taking a hard look at what he was doing. It is equally important to analyze both what people say and how they make you feel, as well as what they are DOING and whether what they are doing is consistent with what they are saying. What he was doing was lying to his girlfriend, and lying to you, and putting you in a little box you'd never get out of because he already had a girlfriend. That takes a pretty selfish and calculating person to do that. So he may be full of charm and excitement for you, but he also doesn't have a good character to do such a thing. And people without character are hollow and harm everyone they get close to.

 

You also should recognize that while many people value those 'love' feelings above all else, some people put them way down the line in terms of importance to themselves. Obviously, this guy values other things more than he values that chemistry between you. He may put his financial security first (splitting up with her may cost too much, or she may have money or her parents have money), or he may really value sexual variety and hence is willing to keep multiple women at the same time regardless of his feelings for any of them.

 

And some people just don't bond the way they should. Some of the most charming people in the world are narcissists and sociopaths, who never really bond with people, just manipulate people to get what they want from them and take you along for a fun ride, and when it no longer suits them, dump you and slide someone else into the same role. So they are interested in someone filling their needs/a role, and the individual isn't so important so they can do these kinds of things, like lying to their partners and others to get their own way.

 

Plenty of men with mistresses give them extremely nice gifts, because they know they can't offer them a home life or other forms of commitment or support. So those nice gifts that you see as a sign of something special between you could be a very manipulative gesture to buy you off and keep you interested. But he didn't offer you the thing you valued most, which is a real relationship with all the benefits that provides. Now that would have been the proper birthday gift, not a bunch of trinkets that one could buy anywhere/anytime.

 

And remember that birthdays are FAMILY days. He can spend your birthday with you because that day means nothing special to his girlfriend, just any other day and he can lie to her about being at work or whatever, but if you asked to spend HIS entire birthday with him or go for a getaway or whatever on his birthday, he would tell you no, whether you think so or not, because that is a day he must spend most of with his girlfriend because she wants to celebrate it too...

 

So try not to focus on the hocus pocus of 'love' you think he showered on you, because it was charm and manipulation and not love. If he loved you the way one should love someone else, he'd drop the girlfriend in a second to be with you. Obviously, she has something he really wanted/needed, and he's thinking of himself, not you. Just keep reminding yourself you were the dessert, she was the main course, and don't romanticize him because he certainly was an unfaithful liar and manipulator. You just really liked the way he made you feel with his charm and tricks, but honestly, you can feel this good with a man who is genuine and offers you a real, full romance with a future. You just have to get past this.

 

Have you googled 'thought stopping' and practiced it? It's a really good technique used to wean yourself off someone or obsessing about something. Why not try it? I may help you get control of these thoughts/feelings.

[Annie123]

Oh My God.................your not going to believe what happened today...my office is on the ground floor, my ex was emptying the bin from his office he was making a lot of noise i wasn't sure who it was so i looked out of the window..saw him...he saw me too. he came up to my office window....i quickly turned my back on him but he knocked i ignored him, he knocked again saying 'come on' basically implying turn around and talk to me....i kept my back to him and didn't say anything he disappeared. I then get a text from him saying 'its his dad's operation next wednesday and he wishes we could talk and that he's thinking of me'......i'm sorry i broke the no contact rule......i responded by saying 'he has his girlfriend to talk to and think about...remember her it's her job to provide him with the emotional support he needs'....i then get another text saying he misses me....i haven't responded to that...........

 

i thought i'd come so far then i saw him and i felt miserable and i wanted to cry it's like i come forward 2 steps but after seeing him i went back 6 steps.....god.....what shall i do..i won't lie when he said he was thinking of me and he misses me it made me feel good and happy....but that happiness is pointless i know...but i couldn't help it.....i thought i'd come so far...and just one glimpse of him and a couple of texts and i'm back to stage 1 again.......

 

what shall i do?

[Sanesoul]

Keep reminding yourself that if he wanted to be with you, he would be. He has chosen to stay with his GF. That makes you second best.

 

You are more deserving than that, and eventually will find someone who will treat you that way.