mikem Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 Hi Annie, I totally understand. We both had similar experiences as far as being out of relationship for awhile and then suddenly being in these intense relationships with people of suspect characters. I've dealt with alot the same emotions. Something about being out of relationship for awhile and then unexpectectantly getting back in a relationship with someone who wasn't trustworthy is a shock to the system. It's kind of a day-by-day thing. It's good to remind yourself of the context of the relationship, just to get some perspective, while you go through the journey of getting well and restored. Kind of remind yourself of what the relationship actually was, and that there is a better situation for you on the horizon - that will actually be 'yours'. Thankfully as you continue to move forward, more healing of the soul emerges and their emotional impact on your life begins to diminish. Good to hear from you and I'm glad you are having more good-to-neutral days, then bad ones. I've been going through a similar healing journey and have been have far better days over the last couple weeks. Good to know there is 'light at the end of the tunnel..." Over time, you begin to see them more and more for who they really are. They are kind of 'small people'. Not referring to their physical stature, but who they are within. I do forgive the lady I was with, but she is getting farther in my rearview mirror and I have been starting to look forward to my future again. I was like "Oh wow...I got to get back on track with some of my goals!" It was almost like 'waking up'. God bless.... You are the best and deserve the best... Link to comment
Annie123 Posted March 15, 2010 Author Share Posted March 15, 2010 Hi Guys Feel good today and i can honestly say i'm more or less out the woods, i do think about him and miss him, but in my heart and mind, the turmoil/pain/misery/sadness/darkness/lonliness has 85% gone I can get on with work, i'm in a lighter and much better place now... Link to comment
confusedmom Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 Unfortunately, your relationship began with lies and although he probably lied more to his GF, I'm sure he lied to you on many occasions. It's no surprise that you got along well and time spent together was "amazing"--you must remember that you were the "other woman" and this is exciting to men. He probably didn't need to help you with day-to-day items like grocery shopping, taking out the garbage, etc. He could just relax and have fun and be on his best behavior. After all, he was also have a great time in the bedroom with you. In that he chose his GF, it probably means it wasn't as bad as he made it out to be and he just wanted to have fun on the side or maybe he even considered leaving his GF but decided to stay. But does it truly matter? Could you ever trust this man as your boyfriend?? You deserve better. Don't beat yourself up over being the other woman. Life happens. Just choose better next time! Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 I'm am glad you are feeling better! Pretty soon you will be on your way to dating a man who is truly available! Link to comment
Annie123 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Share Posted March 17, 2010 Somebody smack me....my ex has started to become more of a dsitant memory this week, i am so much more happier and motivated at work and home, i know i'm thinking less of him definitely less miserable......... I do miss him......but i'm starting not to care that we are togther anymore I do still check my phone to see if he has text, but nowhere near as much as i did before why am i getting miserable because i'm getting over and moving on....that is sad and pathetic......i can't have it both ways can i? Link to comment
Sanesoul Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Somebody smack me....my ex has started to become more of a dsitant memory this week, i am so much more happier and motivated at work and home, i know i'm thinking less of him definitely less miserable......... I do miss him......but i'm starting not to care that we are togther anymore I do still check my phone to see if he has text, but nowhere near as much as i did before why am i getting miserable because i'm getting over and moving on....that is sad and pathetic......i can't have it both ways can i? You're grieving this relationship, such as it was. Your feelings have become comfortable, so as you are losing them, you are feeling that sense of loss. It's a normal and natural part of recovery. You're doing well! Link to comment
Annie123 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Share Posted March 17, 2010 Still feel down, got anxiety as well.............just missing him a bit, i'm sure i'll be ok tomorrow. Link to comment
turnera Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Are you working on your portfolio? Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 You will cycle in your feelings, based on everything from how much sleep you got the night before, to your hormones, whether you feel good or not, whether you have something to distract you etc. Healing is not a straight line, more of a two steps forward, one step back, so just keep doing the things you know make you feel better, and avoiding anything that pulls you backward. Keep seeing your counselor, and practice thought stopping on days you feel nostalgic or miss him. Link to comment
Annie123 Posted March 18, 2010 Author Share Posted March 18, 2010 i haven't worked on my portfolio it had been that long since i logged in i typed the incorrect password a few times and they've locked me out. just waiting for new password to be sent i'd felt good since last friday, so i think i was due a couple of sad days. feel ok today, got budgets to works on they always cheer me up.....i know how sad is that? i will be honest i have a scared feeling tht he's disappearing into the distant and i'm worried i won't be able to see him soon. my misery and sadness is more around that then anything. i almsot feel guilty for feeling ok and i'm progressing so quickly...i was sure it would have lasted for longer.. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 People can get healthy remarkably quickly if they genuinely realize/recognize the relationship isn't going anywhere and is over. The biggest turmoil and conflict is if you are stilling hanging onto hope it will somehow work out, or that there is something you could have done/can do to make it right. Once you accept that it can't go on, then the healing becomes easier, and you certainly shouldn't feel guilty about that. The hardest part is what you say, when you see the person receding into the distance and know it is over... it's a real bittersweet moment, because you recall why you love him, and at the same time know you have to let go. So just feel a little moment of sadness, but go on with your life. I always remember that ending scene in the movie the Titanic, when she realizes that her lover is gone and she has to let him go and he sinks down below the surface of the water and spirals away... that is really how letting go of anyone feels, very sad, BUT you can't keep hanging onto something that will suck you under and drown you if you continue trying to hold onto it. So you have to choose life, and let go of anything that is really bad for you or ruining your life, in order to move on and live a healthy happy life. Link to comment
Annie123 Posted March 18, 2010 Author Share Posted March 18, 2010 i know you are all right and i will carry on today has been a really sad and miserable day...i've had a cry...almost text him but stopped myself. i hope i feel better tomorrow thanks annie Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 Stay strong! Remember how awful you felt and how much i set you back last time you started texting him... It will throw you righ back into the pit again. You may not feel great yet, but you're halfway out, so don't fall in again. Remember, if he wanted you as a girlfriend, he could text you any minute of the day to tell you he'd broken up with his girlfriend to be with you, but he's not doing it. Nothing has changed, and you going back to him would just throw you into a different, deeper dark hole than the sadness you're feeling now. You can outlast it! Link to comment
mikem Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 You are expecting some 'comfort' by texting them, but it's actually a trap and makes things worse. Continue NC, as far as not contacting them and 'sublimating' your thoughts to something else. Trust the healing process... Link to comment
Annie123 Posted March 19, 2010 Author Share Posted March 19, 2010 i have one several occasion i had typed out a text yesterday and then cancelled it...still going no contact and your right i'd be back to step 1 again...... Link to comment
turnera Posted March 19, 2010 Share Posted March 19, 2010 Not to mention what you'd be doing to his girlfriend... Link to comment
Annie123 Posted March 19, 2010 Author Share Posted March 19, 2010 haven't acted on any urges to contact him.................still missing him tho....i hope the feelings go tomorrow..... i think 've shown more compassion to his girlfrined than he has................. Link to comment
mikem Posted March 19, 2010 Share Posted March 19, 2010 You have. You also deserve better then being 'the third wheel' or 'the other woman'. You deserve the best... Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 19, 2010 Share Posted March 19, 2010 Are you practicing thought stopping? That is a really useful technique to try to get a grip on these urges. Even if you have to lock your cellphone up somewhere you can't get to it for a while, i'd do it, if it is too much of a temptation to text him. Cell phones are convenient, but you don't NEED one to survive. Put it in a safety deposit box for a week, or give it to a friend for a week... and practice thought stopping during that week, until you get the impulse under control. Remember, that little text is like a little hit of crack... it doesn't do anything but screw you up again, and it doesn't turn him into someone who loves you and is willing to be your boyfriend. Link to comment
Annie123 Posted March 20, 2010 Author Share Posted March 20, 2010 i'm going to talk to my counsellor next wednesday about this, i seem to be holding on to him even though i want to let go and know its the right thing to do.....i need to find out why that is and wht i need to do to let go completely i'm nearly there i don't feel miserable or sad my life is more or less back to normal but there is something that takes me back to him and i have these relapses and until i find out why that is it's going to keep happening. Lavender how did you do it? annie Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 Those relapses are normal because healing is cyclical, especially in the beginning, so you need to accept that you will have these feelings. What you need to do is also recognize you don't need to act on every feeling you have, and you have to not indulge thinking about him too much or it makes these feelings impossible to control. You have to really fight the thoughts, and the emotions will get in line afterwards. So if you get an impulse, you need to practice thought stopping and say STOP to yourself, and force yourself into doing something different and not continuing thinking about the feeling or emotion. You also need to brutally remind yourself of the real circumstances, that this man doesn't love you or he'd be leaving his girlfriend to be with you. So you're screwing up your life for a fantasy and some illusions, not a true love. And especially don't allow yourself to dwell on pleasant memories of him... that is stoking the fire of the fantasy, and not looking at the reality, that you are having sex with someone else's man who doesn't care about you enough to promote you to girlfriend, you're just a snack on the side. If you have to write that down and read it every time the impulse strikes, then do it. Also, you may suffer from abandonment issues that are deeper than him, and that needs to be addressed with the counselor in counseling sessions. Link to comment
mikem Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 More extraordinary advice. It was for Annie, but it spoke to me as well. The part about not allowing yourself to dwell on 'pleasant memories' is a real key. It does stoke the 'fantasy' element of the relationship. Keeping this relationship 'on point' and 'in context' is key. "Reality" thinking is the best approach for moving on from these situations. "Foolish dreamers live in a world of illusion; wise realists plant their feet on the ground...." Proverbs 14:18 God wants us to have dreams, but these 'fantasy' people aren't it... Keeping the relationship in a realistic context, helps you to 'face it' in faith and move forward... Our victories are ahead of us, not behind us... Picture yourself seeing them getting smaller and smaller in your rearview mirror and wave 'good-bye' and picture a bright horizon in front of you, with something exciting ahead. Say 'hello' to your future.... "Forget the former things;do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." - Isaiah 43: 18-19 May God pour out that 'new thing'! God bless and thanks again for the insights... Link to comment
Annie123 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Share Posted March 21, 2010 i cooked for a friend yesterday, she's going through a divorce after 25yrs of marriage. she made me realise the pain and anxiety in my stomache or gut.....was 'fear' and that she didn't have it anymore. i realise i don't have that fear anymore either. just the 'missing him' relapses..... listening to her made me feel better......i don't think i could be as strong as her.... today has been a day of 'i miss him i want to text him'......i write the text then delete it and text a close friend instead who says the feeling will pass.............so i wait i've been out shopping to keep mind occupied....i think i'm like this because i haven't seen or heard from him in over week........ i don't even know why i'm wanting too see him or hear from him....because i know what i'll do i'll walk away and tell him to leave me alone........ lavender you right going to talk to counsellor about abandonement issues i may have....... Link to comment
Annie123 Posted March 22, 2010 Author Share Posted March 22, 2010 really low today.....want to cry, sunday was really low as well.....i'm tired and exhausted from all of this i know i'm nearly through the woods...so why do i want to turn back... i just want someone to hold me and say they care.....feel really lonely and very upset...started crying..... Link to comment
turnera Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Annie, are you in therapy? Because it really looks like you have to have a guy say you are valuable before you believe it. You need to be working on that, to realize you are valuable just as you are, and you don't have to have someone hold you for you to know that. Have you ever heard of toxic shame? You may want to read up on it; it may apply to you. It would have come from your family, how you were raised. But people with toxic shame do make such mistakes and then find themselves unable to shake them. There's a great book called Healing The Shame That Binds You, that you may like. If nothing else, it will get your mind off of him. Link to comment
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