lavenderdove Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 ' just want someone to hold me and say they care.....feel really lonely and very upset...started crying..... ' This is very clearly an abandonment issue talking... think of toddlers when their mommy leaves the room. they feel inconsolable because they are dependent on the mother, and it strikes up such a strong sense of insecurity they cry and cling. But remember that you are not dependent on him, you just WANT him, you don't need him, but people with insecurity and abandonmen issues confuse the two, and need to learn how feel secure in yourself. So a secure person rather than thinking 'i want someone to hold me' would think, 'i miss the guy, but he's a rat, and the less time i waste on thinking about a rat, the sooner i'll get out and have fun with a new guy who loves me.' But you're so wrapped up in the emotion/fear that all you can do is revert back to the way an infant/toddler feels. Wanting someone to hold you while you cry is more about wanting a nice safe mommy or daddy than it is about wanting a partner. So you need to talk to yourself and playback positive things when you feel this way, like the statement i made above about him being a rat, and you needing to move on so that you can find someone who genuinely loves you. Remember, he could come hold you, but that is not about love, and he is also going home and spending the night holding his girlfriend. His desire to 'hold' you is more about a prelude to getting sex for himself, variety to entertain himself. So that is like thinking you need a lion to hold you... sure they're warm and fuzzy, but then, they destroy you! Link to comment
turnera Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 AWESOME post! annie, print this out and keep it in your purse. Take it out and reread it every morning, ok? Valuable stuff. Link to comment
Seymore Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 Hang on a second...what happened to the term "it takes two to tango"? I agree that the guy's a pig, but if you KNEW he was in a relationship, why did you continue to pursue him, regardless of if his gf was frigid and cold? He's in a relationship? I don't get this mentality - like a guy is going to leave girl A for girl B, and somehow he'll NEVER leave girl B? Seriously - think about this, Annie. Even IF he left her for you, you'd be paranoid that he'd leave you for the next girl. Really, what would keep him from doing that? Somehow I get the feeling that if the gender roles here were reversed, the guy would still be the pig... Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 ^^ Anyone who cheats on their partner and lies about their availability status to other people, having no intention of actually offering them a real relationship, is a rat. It has nothing to do with gender. This guy did not disclose in the beginning that he had a girlfriend, but got her on the hook then told her, then won' leave her alone when she tells him she wants to be left alone and doesn't want to be the other woman. So this isn't about gender, it is about this particular guy and anyone who behaves like him, male or female. Link to comment
Seymore Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 Ok, maybe it has nothing to do with gender, but I'm curious as to why the consensus seems to be that the blame lies squarely on HIS shoulders, or unless people missed the bolded: When i thought i was close to having something special with this guy i thought i should clarify if he was involved with someone. He said he had been seeing a girl for 18months and it was really complicated, there was no sex in their relationship and the girlfriend didn't really keep tabs on him and they didn't see each other that often. I was so besotted by him i suggested if he wanted to have some fun, he said yes and we started a secret relationship. Again, two to tango. Even after she KNEW, she suggested a secret relationship. He's a rat, no doubt, but I think her imposing on another relationship, no matter what she was told by him, is wrong. Yesterday on the news a woman sued the "other woman" and won 9 million. This isn't a game to be played in love. Link to comment
turnera Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 Seymore, I don't think anyone is condoning an affair at all. But she is here to do the right thing. Which is to NOT continue it. We are trying to help her do that. This thread isn't about blaming the guy. It's about convincing her to stay away from him. Period. Link to comment
Seymore Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 Well in that case, I stand by my statement that were he to leave her for you, he'll do the same to you. Sooner you realize that, the better, and you'll save yourself a ton of grief. Link to comment
rosy2000 Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 He will probably keep his girlfriend and come back to you. The question is, will you take him? You should focus on try to find somebody honest instead of wasting your time with this guy. Relationships are not made entirely of love. Link to comment
turnera Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 Well in that case, I stand by my statement that were he to leave her for you, he'll do the same to you. Sooner you realize that, the better, and you'll save yourself a ton of grief.Definitely. It always amazes me that when people cheat and leave their spouse for that person, they get surprised when that person cheats on THEM! Link to comment
Annie123 Posted March 25, 2010 Author Share Posted March 25, 2010 Hi I never once claimed i was innocent in all of this. i just asked for advice to get over and move on and yea i have struggled with it. I have had another counselling session its been very positive there are a couple of things that make me miserbale and hold on to him so i did the following i text him asked him to meet me and i confronted him about everything. he found it extremely difficult opening up and talking to me, but i made him answer everything face to face like a man...he struggled but i got my answers. since then the fantasy bubble i was living in or holding on to has burst and i have inner pease and no longer want what i wanted from him. the whole process surprised me...i thought i'd be hurt and angry and i'm not. i'm calm and looking forward to the future. You know what families are like they like to fix you up, well i'm being introduced to someone next weekend at a dinner party...i would never have considered this before...but now i'm looking forward to meeting someone new. I've walked past my ex a few times as work and been able to smile and say hello and walk on. my counsellor said there are 5 phases in a breakup and i'm at phase 5 ....'accpetance' whuch is why he thought i looked happier and i spoke with more clarity... who would have thought this?...........i'm not saying everything is hunky dory but i have inner peace and i've had it since i sat him down and got my answers.... closure at last.... Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 Annie, that is excellent! I'm glad you are able to move forward... i had a similar experience to this, where suddenly everything just clicked and i really saw things in a way that made me able to move on. I'm just curious... what did he say when you confronted him? Link to comment
mikem Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 Had a similar experience when I talked to my x after a few months and broke NC to talk to her. It helped me to move on. Have continued NC since, but it's been a different 'vibe' and I've felt better.... Glad to hear you got that closure. Link to comment
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