I was the other woman....I need advice

[lavenderdove]

Remember he is not offering you anything he didn't offer before... he wants it to go back to the way it was before, where he has two women on a string and is having a grand old time.

 

Of course you're still attracted to him... but that doesn't mean he's going to turn into someone who loves you and is willing to be your boyfriend. Too bad if he misses you... he can't have his cake and eat it to, at YOUR expense.

 

Any day of the week he could leave his girlfriend if you meant enough to him, but you obviously don't or he would do it. Remember that, and don't be manipulated by this 'i miss you' nonsense. So what, he doesn't miss you enough to make you his girlfriend. Text that back to him.

[Annie123]

He got to me.......i want to maintain minimal contact because what you guys say is absolutely right. the fact that i text that he should turn to his girlfriend he completely ignored that and came back with 'i miss you'.....i've got that horrid feeling in the pit of my stomache, yesterday was hard enough being his birthday and i thought i could start to really let go and move on, and then he goes and does this today. i'm not saying i'm that weak that i'll allow him to manipulate me again to being the other woman....i just don't need it...but then why did i get happy that he text saying that.........he basically keeps reminding me the door is open to go back to him...i won't not ever now, not the way i got treated, the way he walked away instantly saying 'lets be friends'...... sometimes i think i don't trust myself because i don't know what i'd do, i'd hope to think i am as strong as i feel and i'll walk away if he approaches me. part of me is unsure though......thats why its best i stay out of his way and keep as little contact as possible......i feel crap......

[lavenderdove]

You got happy because part of you still hopes he'll mutate into your prince charming and you'll forget he's a liar and a cheater... seriously, keep you eye on reality here.

 

If you went back to him, it would feel all wonderful until that moment he again leaves you to go home to his girlfriend... then you're back into the misery of being the other woman again, second best and lonely with no future.

 

Draw a very firm line in the sand for both him and yourself. If he breaks up with his girlfriend and wants you as his girlfriend, he can talk to you... otherwise leave you alone and have nothing to do with you (or you him).

[mikem]

These are profound insights. Thank you.

[Annie123]

This is hard..................

 

He's made contact again, he text me using work issue as a reason. i was blunt and formal but answered his question. The issue he was using to talk to me if successful he would uuse it again to communicate and act as middle man. So in the text i sent him i made it clear i didn't want him acting as middle man he was to forward my details so i could communicate directly with the other party.

 

He text back asking if 'I hate him'................I text back and said 'I asked you to keep this work related why are you doing this'?....if you guys recall the cay before he sent texts saying 'thinking of you'...'i miss you'..........he text back to say 'cus it hurts sorry'..........

 

guys it has been really hard for me to get let go and move on....and these texts don't help....since yesterday i've been contemplating whther i should text back just to make him feel better and say 'i don't hate you'......i stopped myself....so far i've maintained a silence and only ever responded to the point reagrding work. i thought if i text him now it's be more emotional and he'll get that power and control back if i say something on a personal level to him.

 

I keep reminding my self:

 

a) He's someone else's man

b) He can't be thinking of me or missing me or hurting enough to leave the girlfriend and come back to me

c) He hurt me too....i walked away from being second best and the other woman...he wlaked away from us

d) He can't be trusted because he's a cheater and a liar

e) My prince chraming is waiting for me just around the

 

as i type this, he's just text me again saying he wants to be my friend forever and he wants to see the old Annie..........

 

he's starting to upset me now....i don't want to be friends....do i go back and tell him how it is so he leaves me alone? i've already emailed him once before asking him to leave me alone

[itsallgrand]

Block his number and his texts, Annie. Be strong. You are doing great.

 

Another one for your list:

*With every text you do not respond to, with every day you do not contact him, you build trust with yourself that you can make a commitment to yourself and stick it through.

 

No small beans that.

 

Have you felt angry at him at all? You have asked not to be contacted, and he doesn't respect even that simple wish. You have the right to decide who you do and do not want to speak to and have in your life - he does not respect that right.

[Annie123]

I am locked in my office with the light of...crying my eyes out.........he i sent him a horrid email along with a list of all the reasons why i shoudln't be with someone like him. its a horrid list.

 

after i sent it i felt awful, i was angry because i'm trying to move on and his texts don't help. i tried to retrieve the email and couldn't so i text his to say delet it and don't read but it was too late

 

 

.....i text him back and apologised for the content of the list, they always tell you to make a list of your ex's bad points but never send it to them. i'd been so good till now why did i send it? he did respond saying he was so sorry and he felt like crap after reading the list

 

i told him he's really hurt me in all of this...i've never said that to him before ...he said he didn't set out to hurt me and he's sorry and that i should refer to the list

 

i text him and told him i miss him...........that has got to be my lowest point since i split with him i'd maintained my silent and he's made me an emotional wreck within 48hrs...i thought i was strong..i'm still sat in my office crying........................

 

i done everything right up until now....i think in a away i always wanted to say all that stuff in the list to him......but now...i don't know antythign anymore

 

i've let myself down really badly today

[Annie123]

oh my god.............. don't even know where to start...as to what has happened since my last post.......................

 

i am at my most miserable, weakest and emotional state ever...............i nearly caved into his (1 hug)...............i didn't came to my senses last minute i think when i've stopped crying and composed myself i'l write whats happened

[lavenderdove]

just remember he is trying to get his foot back in the door, any way he can. so he'll use pleading, sympathy ploys, bullying, anything and everything until he gets what he wants.

 

i know this may be upsetting for you to hear,but if you really want him to stop texting you and bothering you, all you have to do is tell him if he contacts you one more time, you will call his girlfriend and tell her about your affair. He will instantly go perpetually silent! That is the quickest way to get a married/committed guy to leave you alone, since his girlfriend IS the most important thing to him, and he will not risk her just to stay in contact with you.

 

Every woman i know who has had a married guy do this kind of desperate 'heartfelt' pleading for continued contact, if they even mentioned anything that meant the girlfriend/wife might find out about it, the guy instantly disappeared/left her alone. That shows you where his true priorities are, with his girlfriend, and all this 'i want my friend back' stuff is just manipulative horse pooey to try to get his own way again and entice you back into the same old going nowhere relationship with him.

 

A softer way of doing that same thing will be to tell him you'll be his friend if you can talk to his girlfriend, and she says she is perfectly fine with you two being such good friends... that will usually get him to leave you alone pretty quick too, because he doesn't want you and the girlfriend talking to each other and comparing notes. You just might discover she is a lovely person, and he is lying about her to you, and he won't want that either.

 

But the absolute surest way to do it is to tell him if he contacts you one more time for anything other then a pure business need, you'll contact his girlfriend and tell her about your affair. He'll disappear like a puff of smoke. (sorry, i know that hurts, but that is the truth and always happens when what he values most is threatened, and that is his relationship with his girlfriend).

[shessofly]

why don't you change your number or block him from texting you? i know changing the number sucks, but in a case like this, it seems you need to go to the extreme if you are serious about getting rid of him.

 

like the above poster said, threaten to contact his SO...and mean it.

[Annie123]

Lavender

 

i only know the first name of his girlfriend and nothing else, we never evener discussed her, what she does, where she lives nothing. He doesn't live with her. i met a friend this evening and she said the same thing i've already deleted facebook contact with him but i went back on he's got all his friends hidden, so i went back to when he first joined face book and checked every person he made friends with under the assumption that he would be friends with his girlfriend. Hr had about 5 women that had the same first name 4 of them i looked at their pictures and it wasn't her the 5th who i think it might be didn't have a picture and when i checked her details on facebook there was nothing there so i can't be sure its her. I have no idea of ow to go about finding out who she is and contacting her because i am more than willing to use the threat.

 

today was the worst day ever, he text me first thing this morning saying he wants to be friends. i got so angry because he's been texting me this week after i told him to stay away and leave me alone. so isent him a really horrible email and i had a list of all horrible things about him and i attached that to the email and sent it to him.

 

i regretted doing that as soon as the email went. i shouldn't have attched that list. it was really horrible and very nasty. i text him to say don't read it, it was too late he had and he text back saying he was emotionally attached and he was nervous when we first got togther because of how much he liked me and a lot of other stuff. he did say a lot of the horrid stuff i said about him was true and he would warn me against such a person. i was so upset at this point crying my eyes out i apologised for the content told him how much he had hurt me and how angry i was with him. he said he never set out to hurt me and he hopes by sending that horrid list to him it would help me.

 

this is where i got really pathetic and weak and text him saying i miss him. he text back saying 'big hug'.......after that i thought crap he's going to think things are ok....so i text him saying no more contact and leave me alone, no friends etc.but before he read that text he was at my office door checking if i was ok i said 'yes' and he left. he then text saying he was sorry he read the text afterwards.

 

at this point i had started crying again, told him i hated him...he then said let him come and see me and hug him and see how i felt...oh my god...i said 'ok' he was in a meeting with a very high profile global brand the meeting was going to bring in 1 years worth of work for him, he walked out of that meeting left all his clients sat their with a colleague to come and give me a hug....by the time he got to my office i had already seen the error of my way so i had locked my door so when he tried to come in he couldnt he told me to open the door and i would told him to go away.

 

he carried on knocking still didn't open the door, he went away everything went quiet for a couple of hours then at 5pm, my door byt the way was still locked he came again he kept texting saying let him in he just wanted to see me and talk to me, told him he had a girlfriend he should stop doing this for he sake and how i felt sorry for her because she had no idea what he was up to behind her back...he wouldn't have it....he carried on texting saying he wanted one glimpse of me just for a second. i kept texting a friend who was on her way to rescue me during this horrible emotional time. i didn't cave in i never opened my door, i didn't hug him.........i kept responding to his texts mentioning his girlfriend........

 

i should never have got sucked in by the texts but he made me so mad....i have spent all day locked in the ofice crying and trying really hard not to give in. i caved in when it came to texting but not to the hugs and letting him anywhere near me.

 

i was so strong up until now i had held my own and now......now he's broken me.........

 

i even said if his girlfriend is ok with me seeing him then i will, he kept saying he wasn't going to do anything and he wasn't doing anything bad ...i said shall we ask your girlfriend what she thinks about that.......

 

i feel i have gone back to day 1 of when we split up......the only thing is the list of all that horrid stuff i sent 'yes' i regret sending it but i'm also glad that i did, that wa sstuff i never got to say to him about how he treated me during our time togther....

 

up until now i was good and today has been the worst day.....what shall i do?

[DylanNotorious]

Why won't we committ to you properly? What does he say?

[DylanNotorious]

I met a guy at work, he was lovely and i really liked him, previous to this i hadn't been in a relationship for 9yrs. I started to txt him and he replied and the texts got more regular. At the time i was unaware he had a girlfriend this was mainly because he would text all the time really late at night as well and then the texts got more intimate. When i thought i was close to having something special with this guy i thought i should clarify if he was involved with someone. He said he had been seeing a girl for 18months and it was really complicated, there was no sex in their relationship and the girlfriend didn't really keep tabs on him and they didn't see each other that often. I was so besotted by him i suggested if he wanted to have some fun, he said yes and we started a secret relationship.

 

hmmmmmmmmmmm is he really that much of a swine?!

[lavenderdove]

Look, it is pretty clear he just wants all that fun back... he knows you are overly emotional and weak about this, and he senses you weakening and knows that if he keeps bothering you and telling you he misses you you might crack and have him back.

 

But notice nowhere in all this does he say that he's leaving the girlfriend for you. In fact, when you mention her or anything about her he just ignores it and goes back to the 'i miss you' crap that he knows is working on you. He's manipulating you, and you're letting him. All of his protestations of his feelings for you mean nothing if he doesn't back them up with REAL action, as in breaking up with his girlfriend in order to be with you.

 

You aren't doing yourself any favors extending this. You need to tell him once, that as long as he has a girlfriend, you will have nothing to do with him. And if you really want to get rid of him, tell him if he bothers you or contacts you again while you're at work, you will call the human resources dept. and tell them he is harassing you. And if he contacts you out of work, you'll get a restraining order against him.

 

But really, all of that is unnecessary if you truly make up your mind that having intimiate emotional times and sex with a guy who is with another woman is just not acceptable. He can't break you down if you really make that decision and draw that line FOR YOURSELF, and just delete his texts without reading and don't take his phone calls.

 

So let's say you do agree to be friends with him, and return to the emotionallly close conversations and sex. What then? He is still someone else's man! Nothing has changed, and you are getting no closer to having a real partner. It is just extending your pain and keeping you away from getting over him and meeting someone who is available to you.

 

Notice how you were GETTING BETTER when you didn't have contact with him and didn't get sucked back into this emotional drama. You will GET BETTER if you cut contact with him. If that means changing your phone number, then do. Or call your phone provider and have them block his number. Then if he tries to approach you at work, tell him that if he contacts you again for anything other than business, you will contact your HR dept. and report him for harassing you.

 

You have to fight FOR YOURSELF and your right to get over him and be free from him, because honestly he is only interested in getting his own needs met and doesn't care about the impact of his behavior on you. All this 'let's be friends' stuff is nonsense. There are a million people in the world you can be friends with, and him expecting you to be friends with him when it is breaking your heart is CRUEL.

 

I once had a guy who got a really big crush on me, and he had been a very good friend, but ultimately i cut off the friendship because i knew it was not good for him to spend his time mooning over me and hoping for a relationship when i had no interest in a relationship with him other than being friends. Better to cut him off so that he could get over me and find someone who really wanted his love. The same applies here. Common decency should make him cut you free and leave you alone if he has no intention of breaking up with his girlfriend to be with you. Anything less than that is harmful to you, and hurting you and he doesn't care!

 

If this guy were a decent person rather than selfish, he wouldn't hound you to try to get you to see him when you've told him to leave you alone. He doesn't care about what is right FOR YOU and he doesn't care about YOUR FEELINGS, he just wants what he wants.

 

And i hate to tell you, this is very normal for men who have affairs. They look for emotional women they see as too weak to reject their advances, or too kind, or too 'heart based' who will do 'anything for love' and will not think clearly or even think about whether the guy is offering her much more than a shag and limited emotional contact. You need to not allow yourself to be prey to this predator, because he is hunting you down like you are prey game he doesn't want to let escape. It's all about him.

 

This isn't about love, it is about control and him satisfying his own needs at your expense. If he loved you, he'd leave his girlfriend, and if he cared about you as a friend, he woudln't torture you when you tell him you can't be with him because you care too much and it hurts too much to be friends. He'd respect that, and care about your feelings... and LEAVE YOU ALONE. he just doesn't care about any of that, and his behavior proves it!

[Annie123]

Dylan

 

Your right i did start this and it was meant to be fun, but when i realsied i really liked him and wanted more i said it directly and he turned away from me. Since then i backed away saying i couldn't be with him because i do care for him and as long as he's with his girlfriend i won't have anything to do with him, i won't even be friends. He stayed away for about a week and half and then the texts started and emails and attempts to see me.

 

I will admit yesterday i weakened by saying i missed him and he offered me a hug and i almost took it.

 

Lavender you are right the list i sent had so many horrible things about him he admitted to all of them, he's not denied his behaviour or character or how things were between us. He is selfish and still looking after his own needs.

 

I can't block his number, the way work is all of them have to have my number for callouts and emergency so if i changed it i'd still have to give the new number to him. He runs his own company so my HR can't do anything about it. The work situationis complicated. After the texts yesterday he hasn't bothered me i think he got the message that even at my weakest i didn't open the door to him and let him get his way.

 

I was on facebook last night going through everyone of his friends to see if i could recognise his girlfriend and get her details that way.

 

After yesterday today i don't feel half as bad that list had a lot of anger and hurt in it and i'm glad he got to read it so he knew how i felt. i think that was also stopping me from letting. when we split i didn't say any of that and it was going round and roung in my head driving me insane and now that he's read it and feels crap and is sorry and tried to make amends yesterday from that point of view. i'm ok, i think i'll be able to move on properly now.

 

i will start the 'no contact' again

 

I've never once claimed i was innocent in all of this i've acknowledged what i ddi wrong, but i came to my senses and tried to put it straight.

[lavenderdove]

None of us is perfect and we all learn the hard way sometimes. but you will receive criticism from other people who have been cheated on, because they've been the one who was betrayed and can't understand why anyone would go after their partner when they knew they already had one.

 

It is easier for people to blame the affair partner (i.e., you) then to blame the person they love (him) for the behavior, just like it is easier for you to 'blame' his girlfriend for being cold and sexless (which she probably isn't anyway or he wouldn't stay). The saddest things about affairs is that everyone is so concerned about protecting the protagonist (him), the one who is doing the cheating to begin with! It's just not fair, but that is how it works, that the cheater gets what he wants and hurts all these people, while the people he is hurting are busily trying to protect him and justify why the affair partner and innocent gf/bf/wife n the affair/relationship must somehow be to blame for the cheater's bad behavior.

 

He is the one both of you adore, so both of you (and other people) will usually blame the wrong party rather than really recognizing that he is the one who is the center of all this attention and he loves it that way.

 

So don't worry about trying to defend yourself, first because you didn't know he was with someone, and it was totally wrong of him not to nip it in the bud, regardless of whether you started it or not. He was the one who knew he wasn't available, not you.

 

But you learned something important, that love and love feelings don't necessarily lead to a good relationship, especially if one party in the relationship is a selfish liar and cheater. He has some wonderful things you are attracted to, but the lying and cheating is just something that proves his character is such that no woman could ever trust him or have anything other than a false relationship with him, becuase he is willing to lead a double life and lie to those he is close to to get what he wants.

 

I am really glad you are feeling better today and told him off. You will cycle up and down, but that is normal. Every day you keep him at bay is another day closer to feeling good, healed, and ready for someone who really is available.

[minou]

You were strong for a long time and had a relapse. Don't worry about it. Pick yourself up and know you WILL heal from this over time. Please ignore him completely. I suggest you date again, as soon as possible. Every time you look at him think to yourself, this is a man who cheats. Everytime he contacts you think to yourself, this is a man who cheats. Even if you were his girlfriend, you would be cheated on. I don't believe any bs about his gf having sexual issues. Sex in a relationship is a 2way street. People sense things. Who knows, maybe she senses his sexual energy is not all hers and this affects her sexually. This is not an unusual occurrence in the wives of cheaters. Bottom line, you know he is wrong for you. As I read this thread I felt so proud of you for all your strength as you held steadfast and refused to have anything to do with him for while. Get back on that track. You can do it! Do not try to find her on FB or any of that. You're just giving energy to the situation and tormenting yourself. Good luck! By the way, stop showing him how much you hurt. He doesn't really care. If he did, he wouldn't have had you as a side dish. You deserve better than that! He is selfish. Walk away with your head held up high. Don't let him think he is all that and worthy of all this misery. You'll find great sex again, and hopefully next time it will be even better because it will be with great love.

[lavenderdove]

The truth is most men don't cheat because they don't love or want their girlfriend, they cheat because they are a bit bored with the routine and like the excitement and attention they get from having an affair.

 

And some people LIKE the drama and chaos... it is stimulating for them. They feel like exciting secret agents sneaking around, and like they're some hot stuff for having 2 women seeking their attention and trying to win them.

 

All those things has nothing to do with love. Sadly, many women get sucked in thinking this is some great exciting love, whereas it really is just drama and excitement generated by the guy because he's a bit bored with his home life routing, and wants to spice up his life a bit.

[Annie123]

I think after what happened yesterday......i've not done myself any favours its going to be harder....but i am going to start all over again....

 

right now just feel really miserable........

[lavenderdove]

You'll be fine... remember how much stronger you were feeling after no contact before? Just remember that you need to stay strong to keep your healing going... it is like taking off a cast only 2 weeks after you break a bone... you wouldn't do that because you need time to heal, and the same with no contact...

 

you really can't afford to have any personal conversations with him or give him an opening with you while the emotional wound is fresh, so the best way to achieve that is just not to respond to any entreaties from him at all. Just focus on distrating yourself from a while and preventing contact, and you'll be fine again in a while when some time/distance between you has passed.

[minou]

Absolutely. Within one or two months, at the most, if you avoid him, you'll be doing great. This would be much harder to get over if he were a really great guy. He is scum. If you keep feeling attracted to him and in pain after a month or 2 I would recommend short-term therapy to look into your past and see what attracts you about this guy. It's very self-destructive. Again, you did great for a while there. Stay strong.

[mikem]

Absolutely. Within one or two months, at the most, if you avoid him, you'll be doing great. This would be much harder to get over if he were a really great guy. He is scum. If you keep feeling attracted to him and in pain after a month or 2 I would recommend short-term therapy to look into your past and see what attracts you about this guy. It's very self-destructive. Again, you did great for a while there. Stay strong.

 

This is a good book along those lines:

 

link removed

 

Sometimes it's worthwhile analyzing what attracts us to certain people. Usually some unresolved issue, somewhere.

 

Here's another link from the same people with some good videos covering some of the same topics:

 

link removed

 

Dealing with these issues are tough emotionally, but they can also be a 'defining moment' as far as getting on a healthier path.

 

God bless...

[mikem]

This is a neat article on learning to chose "Safe People":

 

link removed

 

Enjoy...

[Annie123]

Hi Guys

 

After everything that happened on Thursday i almost had another weak moment today but i'm over it. i've been out shopping to the gym and just come back from a friends. I think i got to say a lot of stuff that had been festering inside me for the past month in that list and after sending him that list and all the texts on thursday and making a stance on not letting him come near me or see me..i was miserable on friday. However, today i feel like i've achieved a lot more closure the dull misery feeling in my heart and gut is so much lighter and my mind is a lot more calmer. i think i needed him to know that stuff and he said a lot of stuff i needed to hear. so now i feel calmer, lighter and stronger. i will start my no contact again in this frame of mind and hopefully things will get better.

 

thanks for the links Mike i'm going to look at them later tonight. I felt awful putting up what had done on thursday on the forum after i had been so strong. i felt i'd let myself and everyone on here whose taken time to read my posts and reply with supportive and encouraging words. but you've been great as usual. thanks annie

[AndyInMckinney]

Hang in there Annie, if you need to shoot me a PM.