I was the other woman....I need advice

[lavenderdove]

Annie you'll be fine! You will have good moments and bad moments, but the more time you put behind you on this without contacting him, the better you'll feel.

 

I'd suggest that you write down two lists for your weak moments. One is a list of all the negative things about the relationship, like, he could leave her in a second if he really wanted to be with me. And on the other list, put all the positive things you have for your future like, i deserve to be with a man who loves only me. And i deserve with a man who is available to me at all times. And i deserve a man who does not lie or cheat.

 

Then when you're weak, first read the negative list, then the positive affirmations.

 

You also might want to make a third list, of all the things you want to do with your life. Anything from 'Visit Tibet' to 'get a new hairstyle' to 'read this book X'... whatever you want to do accomplish, both near term and far term. Then start working on your list, doing the easiest things first. You'll get so involved in living your life and accomplishing things you want to do, that you will realize you have a very nice life, without him, with so much to do that he was just a bump in the road!

[mikem]

Brilliant advice!

[Annie123]

Still not contacted him......its been tough today.

 

Breaking the no contact rule weakens your resolve. i'm so angry with myself....i won't lie i still think about him and it makes me want to cry

 

its been a full 4 weeks now.

 

i'm going to make the lists tomorrow.

 

i hate myself right now for still caring for this person that doesn't belong to me, whose treated me unfairly whose a liar and a cheater

 

i haven't let go of him as much as i thought i had.....

 

you know i crave for night times when i know i'm going to go to sleep and i won't hurt and won't think about him

 

i've lost my appetite.........just starting to get depressed again...all of this because i broke the no contact rule....god i deserve the punishment.....sometimes we don't realise what we are doing is for our betterment.....it's so easy to slip back into bad habits.

 

yesterday when i went to my friends and we spoke about him.....my friend said ....your in love with him'......... i didn't think i was i thought i really liked him and cared very deeply for him...but the more i think about it the more i realise its true and its probably why i'm finding it had to let go of him.

 

i will i promise but its going to take longer than i thought.....

 

pathetic hey?....i agree, i've never felt more like a stupid, dependant down trodden woman in my life before.

 

annie

[lavenderdove]

You just have to think of break ups as emotionally taking two steps forward and one step back. It just isn't easy. You can logically know the right thing, but emotions always lag behind logic, so you have to have patience and know they will eventually catch up, but it does take a lot of time.

 

So don't beat yourself up about it. Just accept that some days will be better than others. If you stick to no contact with him, i guarantee you will feel so much better in a couple months, if you genuinely work hard on thought stopping too, where you don't allow yourself to dwell on thoughts of him. You have to get him out of your life AND your mind.

 

So set aside some time each day for say 20 minutes, and allow yourself to think about him all you want during those 20 minutes, but the rest of the day if your mind drifts to him, just say, nope, not gonna think about that now, will think about that at 9 pm tonight. So you stall your own brain for a while, and get it out of the groove of thinking about him.

 

Then start cutting back that time gradually, from 20 minutes to 15, to 10 to 5 etc. If you do this, it will get him out of your mind as well as your life, but you need to practice it. If you find it too hard to only think about him once a day, then break it up to two or three times a day, or 5 minutes out of the hour, or whatever you can manage. Then start tapering it off, reducing the amount of time and frequency.

 

And you are not the least bit pathetic... you were in love, and it didn't work out, and that is more painful to get over than any surgery i know! You actually heal much faster from physical injury than mental ones, so don't be unkind to yourself and expect that you'll instantly feel better, any more than you'd expect to run a marathon on a leg you broke one month ago.

 

I found i got over a relationship much faster if i just admitted to myself, yes, i really loved him, and yes it is really hard without him. Just accept it, and ride that wave. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to anyone else who lost someone they loved. Because it is a loss, a big loss when you lose someone you love, but you can manage the grief and you will get over it with time and emotional distance from him.

 

The hardest part is making sure he doesn't slip back into your life again, because that means you start the clock over, and that just extends the pain. So you learned your lesson that contacting him doesn't do anything but set you back, and he is obviously unwilling to leave his girlfriend so no point to that contact.

 

So now you've started the clock again, and the good news is you will get better, if you stick to it and give yourself time. Just hobble on through life for a while, until you feel better, and don't be hard on yourself. Everyone struggles through a breakup as best they can, but everyone eventually does find someone else if they want to and make that a goal.

[Annie123]

I'm at work today

 

i had to cover reception as we were short staffed, and he walked in and out several times, i didn't acknowledge him.

 

this afternoon i burst out crying again...i just have to see him and i'm crying and miserable again. my friend was in today so she looked after me thankgod she's a coach and mentor and she knows how to talk me through it....

 

i feel a bit better now but my head hurts and my eyes are sore.

 

how could i have let him sucked me back into texting him and breaking the no contact rule i don't know....

 

 

still quite emotional will go to the gym in a few an hour, that always helps. lets hope tomorrow is a better day

[Annie123]

Still weepy and miserable.....god the light at the end of the tunnel has become blurred and i can't see it properly anymore.....

[lavenderdove]

Annie if you really can't deal with this, then you should think about getting some counseling... it can be short term, just help adjusting to the breakup.

 

Also, how invested are you in your job? Would you consider looking for another one to get away from him? You seem to do better, then you see him and get into an emotional state becuase of that. If you didn't have to see him, you might do better. Even if you just took a week or two off and got away from him it might help.

[Annie123]

I was thinking about counselling as well, i'll look into it tomorrow. my job is my livlihood it's going to be hard to get another one straight away but i am looking.

 

i mean today he didn't bother me he was going about his business he didn't utter a word or text me..i think part of me is scared that he'll forget me and won't miss me...

 

i think i'm deeper into this than i first realised...i'm goin to PM you.

 

I've just emailed a local therapist for a counselling session, hpefully when i check my emails tomorrow i'll be able to get an urgent appointment with him

[Annie123]

Seeing a counsellor tomorrow morning..........sat in my office crying

[lavenderdove]

Annie, I am glad you are going to a counselor... you can't keep breaking down at work or you might lose your job.

 

Your counselor can help you deal with this, or help you get enough time off work as a medical leave in order to get yourself together.

[Annie123]

Had my counselling session today it was ok, made me realise i needed them and i'm going to carry on going. There's something about a professional telling you all the things you know or what people have said on the forum. I don't know what it is my brain has accepted what the counsellor has said to me that my ex is:

 

manipulative

Controlling

Playing Games

Has emotional issues

Will continue to cheat and lie

 

I think because they are qualified in this area and they have more knowledge and can explain things with different methods and techniques and realte them to our issues and why we feel what we do and how we can try an move...it helped.

 

I'm glad i went, the state i was in last night i was seriously considering going to the doctor and getting antidepressants. I felt better when i woke up this morning and much better now i've had my counselling session.

 

So i won't be going to the doctors going to stick to the counselling to help make sense of all this mess and how i can gradulayy move on without holding onto the past or having false hope.

[Annie123]

I saw him today......and i still miss him...........

[lavenderdove]

Of course you do.... bonds that were built over months don't disappear in a few days...

 

Just let the feelng wash over you. Remember you don't miss being the 'other woman' or being lied to and manipulated.

 

All the pleasure you had with him, the fun, the sex, the feeling connected, can be had with another man who is truly available, once you get past the grieving. So the sooner you get past this, the sooner you can get to a new man who will actually be your boyfriend, and who will make you just as happy. You always feel like you'll never get over it when you first start the separation process, but the heart is remarkably renewable and you WILL find your own man if you get out there and look for one.

[Annie123]

lol shonuff....you made me laugh, you guys are right i've just come back from the gym, i try not to but keep thinking if he ever came back i'd tell him where to go.

 

i just need to get used to seeing him around work and not get upset or miss him when i do.

 

there's a book by Neil Strauss called 'The Game' its his favourite book and i have a feeling he's modelled his character or he thinks he is that guy in the book. I've bought the book to read and see if i see any similarities it may help me understand his behaviour.

 

I'm not looking for excuses to justify his actions. After my counselling session yesterday i reaslised i need to understand his behaviour for the way he treated me when we split up, once i do i'll be able to let go and move on.

 

You just don't treat people like that and never in a million years did i ever think he would.

 

He text me again last night his dad went in for a cancer op yesterday and he text to update me on what had happened i don't know why since i've told him don't contact me. he then said he hopes he's not pissed me of too much by sending the text and its just that i was always there for him and he appreciates it.

 

i did what my councillor had said and said glad his dad was ok, he should text vicky (girlfriend) and don't contact me again. my counsellor said everytime he makes contact just keep saying don't contact me and it will eventualy sink in.

 

One of the reasons why i kept bursting into tears was i was having to behave like a aperson i'm not when it came to him, then i'd be miserable because i felt i let myself down, then i'd be upset because i'm hurting another human being and then i'd feel sorry for him and overlook what he had done to me and then i'd hold on and not let go of him, so i was going around and around in a circle.

 

the councillor said don't let him control and manipulate you and keep saying 'no' 'don't contact me'. i did that yesterday and i felt good, i didn't hate myself afterwards, i didn't feel sorry for him and i've been ok most of today until i bumped into him.....

 

I'm hoping taking this approach will help me now to let go.....what a mess

[lavenderdove]

Annie, of course it sad his dad has cancer, but that doesn't make him any less of a cheater and a liar... again, he should be turning TO HIS GIRLFRIEND and his family if he needs support, not to you, especially when you've requested he leave you alone.

 

Also, given that he's a known liar, he could be now resorting to a sympathy ploy to worm his way back in. this is a well known tactic of manipulators and liars.

 

And don't waste any tears feeling sorry for this guy... he's an EXPERT at getting his needs filled, and will find another shoulder to cry on in short order. In fact, he's running through his book of tricks right now trying to find something that will weaken you, and sympathy ploys are just one thing in his arsenal.

 

And are you really even sure his dad has cancer? The cheater i knew had a long list of standard excuses to used to manipulate people. it was his mom was sick, his dog was sick, he was sick, someone needed surgery etc. etc. he knew that people wouldn't challenge his absence over a sick person if he needed to be away with his wife for a while, so he used it to manipulate people. Then when i discovered he had a wife, all of a sudden, HE was sick and needed my attention. Yah right, just another lie to buy himself time.

[Annie123]

Hi Yeah i definitely know his dad is poorly.

 

Today i'm good a bit more optimistic and happy, things are very slowly starting to go back to normal. And i know i'll eventually be over this soon.

 

I was in reception and he walked past again today and before he left the building he lookd at me.

 

I keep thinking he had his chance he disappeared on me i'm not going to let him emotionally blackmail me.....

 

i felt goo that i text back and said what i did.

 

My frined said continue to use his girlfriends name when you responde because it makes it more personal and very real, it's almost like most of the time she's a 'non person' because her name's not mentioned which gives a person their identity.

 

i' going to stick to the 'Go to Vicky and Don't contact me again' if thats the only response he'll ever get from me he'll give up and move on to someone else.

 

Today is the first time i do feel i will get over this. i suppose there was a lot of crap going on at work at the same time so it added to everything, but that seems to slowly be sorting itself out as well.

 

it's sometimes i just feel abit lonely and sad without him, but that's getting a bit less everyday, i keep thinking ok another week is over, this time next week my pain will be less.

 

fingers crossed, can't wait till it's finally over, i think ...the thinking about him and missing him will take time to eventually get over

[lavenderdove]

'My frined said continue to use his girlfriends name when you responde because it makes it more personal and very real, it's almost like most of the time she's a 'non person' because her name's not mentioned which gives a person their identity.'

 

 

This is a great idea... there's a technique called 'the broken record' or 'skipping CD' where if someone doesn't leave you alone, you just keep repeating the same thing over and over to them, never varying it or giving them new feedback, until they give up and realize you are not going to interact with them or give them any new contact/way to break you down.

 

Their contact is about trying to find a weakness in your armor and something that works to get you respond.

If they bother you 10 times and you give in on the 11th, all they've learned is they have to bombard you a lot to get what they want, so it escalates the bombarding. If you repeat the same phrase over and over, or just don't respond at all, then eventuallly he will get the point and quit.

 

So for the next two weeks i'd respond to any contact with 'Go to Vicky and don't contact me again', that exact phrase no matter what he says. Then after two weeks, don't give him any response at all, just silence. Eventually he will get bored wtih it and quit.

 

It is also a good observation that he sees his girlfriend as a non-person when he's around you. Many people who cheat are very good compartmentalizers, in that they put people in their lives in very different boxes and never let them intermingle. So girlfriend and family in one box, you in another box. He manages the potential conflict by just not thinking about her when he's with you and vice versa. He doesn't want those two worlds to collide because he needs to keep them apart for practical reasons, and also to justify to himself his own behavior.

 

Most cheaters really do tell themselves that it's just about 'you and me' and hence what he does with you doesn't impact his girlfriend so it is OK in his head. And he hopes you'll feel the same way, that him having a girlfriend is OK because you never mingle with her.

 

But that of course avoids all questions of morality and freedom for you to climb out of a little box he has placed you in, that you don't want to be in. You don't want to be in the 'other woman' box that never is a part of his 'real' life. So mentioning his girlfriend's name is probably very jarring for him, because you are reminding him he has one, and that you are not willing to live in the other woman box he places you into.

[mikem]

If he doesn't leave you alone, you might tell him that you will contact his girlfriend and let him know about him and you. If he persists, contact his girlfriend.

[Annie123]

the days are getting better, my head is a lot lighter because i'm thinking less about him now...this is a good sign right....why do i feel miserable about it?

[lavenderdove]

You're letting go of a fantasy that was very attractive to you, and that is always sad...

 

I'm sure you have a really big hope going that he'd fall in love with you and ditch the girlfriend to be with you and then everything would be 'perfect'... that is the problem other women have, they live on hope, not reality, and that can develop into a HUGE fantasy (with no real basis), but the fantasy was very exciting for a while, so it is hard to let go of...

 

It's as hard to let go of the HOPE one had for the relationship, as it is to let go of the person themselves. He was the center of your fantasy world for a long time, so giving up that nice warm fantasy is tough...

 

Just keep re-aligning yourself with the reality of the situation, and you'll eventually wake up one day and realize it is time for a NEW hope, that you will find someone new, and you can start looking for that new person anytime you want. The grieving goes faster if you focus on new goals and dreams, to help fill that void. Make a list of things you've always want to do, and start doing them. You need something to think about besides him, since he has consumed you for so long. You'll feel a it sad/let down because he consumed your world. So fill it with new thoughts/things, and you won't feel so miserable.

[Annie123]

i hate the weekends even though i try to do things i have more time on my hands i use to love the weekends so i could chill and relax...i can't do that anymore because i start to think about him.

 

the last 4/5 weekends gone i try to keep myself busy but it's hard....all i want to do is go back to work. i don't know if its because i think he's there or because i have work to keep me occupied and people there to take my mind of things....

 

i need a project, something to do when i start thinking about him, something reserah/internet based i always have access to one so when i start to think about him i can hop onto google and start to reserach and read.

 

all i've done is read on, coping with breakup, missing my ex, how to get ex back, how men feel after a breakup, being the other woman, infidelity..etc etc, it has to a point helped me deal with the breakup and try to make sense of what happened. i think i've read every artcle under these heading because when i click on something...i'm like 'oh i've read this'....

 

i need some new and different to focus on...any ideas anyone?....

[lavenderdove]

Why not go to the library and get some really good books. Get something that really occupies the mind, like a mystery or thriller or exciting bestseller.

 

Also, it might help to plan a little weekend trip... even if you don't have money to stay overnight, plan a trip to somewhere that will take you all day... a trip to a nearby city, antique mall, museum or other day long trips.

 

You need to really jump your mind out of the groove of thinking about him.

 

I don't know what you do for a living, but you could even use the time wisely to study for some kind of online degree to increase your pay or get a new job doing something you like better. Many degrees can be had fully online these days, even 4 year B.A.s/M.A. degrees. Start doing research into careers or training that you can do online.

[Annie123]

lavender

 

ur brilliant you've just given me an idea. i'm a member of BIFM (BRITISH INSTITUE OF FACILITY MANAGERS). I manage a business centre, i've been meaning to get my portfolio together for ages so the can tell me what level i'm at so i know which exams to take to get my professional qualifications. i'll start to focus on that.

 

don't know why i didn't think of it before

[mikem]

Great insights. It reminds me of that old adage: "He who chases fantasies lacks judgement..." It spoke to me about a Long Distance Relationship I was in. It always had a 'fantasy' element to it, that lacked that grounding of realism.

 

Looked up 'fantasy' in the dictionary and it means: "an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream..."

 

Another word for it might be 'mirage'. It's an image that always promises something, but never delivers. Your mind tends to focus on a few 'moments' of 'good times', but tends to forget about the reality of the relationship and the actual 'context' of it. The person - mirage - is generally a 'foolish' person.

 

"...he who goes after foolish men is without sense." Proverbs 12:11

 

When a relationship is truly 'your own', it comes with that 'reality' and everyday aspect of your life. It's 'your land', if you will. When the relationship is truly yours and in the mainstream flow of your life, it gives you something to work with.

 

"He who works his land will have abundant food.." Proverbs 28:19

 

Imagine being in a relationship that is truly 'yours' and you are 'abundantly feed'...

 

Anyway, if viewed properly, 'reality' and 'truth' are actually friends. When you face reality, without giving up faith for a better future, a 'path' begins to open up and you see there is a 'better horizon' for you - and it's not a mirage....

[Annie123]

Mike

 

Your quote is right, shouldn't chase the fantasies and i feel i should be getting over this it was only a 4 month relationship. i've found it hard because it was one i'd entered into after almost 9yrs, lay my heart open and it got trampled on. i was completely unprepared for it, so even thought it was 4 months i ghave it my all it could be 4 or even 40 years, i gave myself fully to it and thats why i'm find ing hard, keep having good and bad days. i am glad to say i'm having more good or neutral days than bad. which i'm assuming is a good sign.

 

this forum is the only place where i can be honest and know i won't get told off. i am strong i am doing everything to let go and move on and yet something still holds on. i'm hoping my counsellor can help with that i'm seeing not this coming wednesday but the wednesday after that. i'm hoping to go every fortnight until i've let go.