The eight week challenge - For the ladies

[waveseer]

Ok, then. It was a misunderstanding of what you wrote on my part. My apologies.

 

As for the rest of your opinion, it is not insulting or short siighted at all. I respect that and feel a lot like you. The different perspective offered here by the author just helped me to understand the differences between men and women differently and thought I still tend to agree that a man should just "know" I also respect and accept that this is not the case all the time, that indeed it takes some of them time.

 

No problem, print is a tough medium for communication nuance.

 

I agree that it may take anyone time to make such an important life changing decision. Where I diverge in my opinion is that the majority of the time it takes should be spent alone rather than in discussions with the partner in question.

[uncomfynumb]

No problem, print is a tough medium for communication nuance.

 

LOL! You are so right about that.

[marshmallito]

Day 17

Hey waiters

I guess I belong here as much as on the NC challenge board. The support and honesty in the posts are inspiring.

Reading your posts has really helped me get some clarity on reasons why I am NC and why I am right not to contact a man who dumped me because he no longer wants a committed relationship and bad timing. Still not sure I believe this is true, but I do hold hope he will come back to me.

[nauum]

As anyone ever thought that if you are dealing with a commitment phobe and they jump from relationship to relationship thinking things will be better with the new person...that it usually last 2-3 months with a new person (hence the 8 weeks we're waiting maybe to hear from them) and that they have had a new person in the interim? All of a sudden it dawned on me...

[uncomfynumb]

I don't really buy into the whole commitment phobe thing. If a guy bails for extend period of time or even at all, the case most likely is that they don't have deep enough feelings for.

 

Relationship jumpers are a different animal. I don't think they are as phobic as they are simply just selfish, hedonistic creatures looking for sex mostly. It has been said by many so called experts that giving up the variety of sex with different women is disheartening. And for a man that is able to get it readily, why should the settle?

[squirl]

This is such an interesting thread.

 

This experience has helped me the most of any part of ENA.

 

Days of NC: 3. 0 if you count Twitter.

Weight: 127

Days without smoking: 0. I realize I relapse whenever I see him.

 

It will all be okay.

 

When I started posting to this challenge, it was April 5 and I was really suffering.

 

Today I feel a little sad. The pangs come and go, but the more I see him, which is pretty frequent, the less I feel.

 

This has been a transformation. It definitely was not a transformation I asked for or wanted. But I like who I am and I feel it is his loss. What we had was very special and I will always treasure the way I felt, but I can say from the bottom of my heart that I would trade it in a heartbeat never to have met him and have to go through what I just did.

 

On Saturday night, I met a guy that I could totally crush on. I was at a screening with a male friend who I know is interested in me (I'm not sure if I'm interested in him but I am not feeling attracted). I was relaxed and happy and having fun.

 

As soon as I met new guy, my whole outlook changed. Not much has happened with new guy, but I emailed him about something he wanted to know about, and he emailed me back something funny and flirty. I was going to call him today but it got late and I didn't. So tomorrow I will. If nothing happens, that is ok. Now I treasure the fun, flirty way new guy looked at me when we talked, not the moments like that I shared with my ex.

 

On Sunday I went to my ex's house for a bbq and Monday I went for a leftover bbq. I didn't feel one way or another because I was thinking about new guy. Sunday's bbq was with people we both collaborate with and who all knew we used to be a couple. I had to leave in the middle to do a radio show and he Tweeted at me while i was gone. I think it's some form of cockguarding even if he is not interested. I stayed until the end out of habit I guess. He was pretty much drunk asleep on the couch. He lists tennis now on his Twitter profile so I asked if he wanted to play sometime. He said maybe.

 

Monday was a mix of people who knew us together, or knew that we had been together, and a really gossipy, pushy loud woman who literally never stopped talking, mostly either to brag about her work or to say something nasty about other people's relationships. She is married.

 

I was kind of appalled that this is one of my ex's new good friends. Well I think it's more that he's one of her new good friends. She never shut up about people they met together at an interactive conference and never stopped judging everyone she mentioned. She blabbed about how one of her contacts on her social networks works out too much and how she needs to have a talk with this person. I said I think you're talking about me. This woman said no, this person works out like every day, and I said, I know, that is me. I said I do go to the gym a lot, I just think it is good for health.

 

Anyway, I could tell that this woman did not know my ex and I used to be a couple. I guess I just expected some level of respect or tact that was not there. This woman was pretty much egging my ex on to date certain girls they knew in common, etc. At times, my ex alluded to our relationship, such as the fact that he left his Scrabble at my house, or that we had a nice time in Italy. At one point I went into the kitchen and I came back to hear him talking to another friend about how he'll "get a girlfriend and--" and I walked back and said "You'll what?" and they quickly changed the subject.

 

I'm not interested in inflicting that on myself any more. It makes me quite sad to think about how close my ex and I once were to living together and how close I felt to his family. I really thought we were going to end up together. But I don't think it brings out the best in me to be around my ex or people like this woman. It gets a rise out of me, and then I stoop to their level of petty cattiness and mean spiritedness. I don't want to be like that. I must not be compatible with him, for him to want people like that in his life.

 

It was always like that. He always introduced women into the mix who he kept in the dark about our status and as a wedge between us. It's a thing he did and for whatever the motive, it was a device to keep a distance and then blame me for feeling uncomfortable about it.

 

A man who loves you does not do that. He shows you respect in front of other women and creates a safe place for you to have your relationship. He did not do that, and was willfully obtuse about it when I tried to describe the dynamic to him. He did it repeatedly and I have had enough. I just got tired of being disrespected.

 

My ex used to be very sweet. I was sweet, too. I still am. I realize from being apart and being around more new people that there is nothing wrong with me at all. New guy is very sweet and innocent seeming, like how I used to be before I was hurt. I don't know if he is interested, but I feel like I could really fall for him and that is exciting.

 

I work with clients who think the world of me and are so grateful to have me in their corner. They make me feel good.

 

I like myself better without him around.

 

It's been almost 4 weeks. I can't wait to see what the next 24 hours will bring, let alone another 4 weeks.

 

Thank you uncomfy for this thread.

[uncomfynumb]

You're welcome squirl.

 

I had no idea that this thread would stick around as it has. And I'm glad that you think it has been interesting and useful.

 

Good luck with the new guy. I have a date on Sat., an online meeting so we shall see where that goes!

 

Have a good weekend everyone and keep us updated.

[Whistle]

Days of NC: 6 (Had to restart because he bothered me with something petty and I bit)

 

Squirl, I'm glad for you. It's funny how my ex's world also seems so petty all of a sudden. He disturbed me with something that was a non-issue to begin with. If that's the kind of thing that causes drama in his world, I want no part of it.

 

Despite that one bump on the road, life seems to be going great. I'm crossing my fingers for a television stint. I'm really excited about it because film is a totally whole new world for me. I'm warned about catty people, but I'd like to hold on to being excited for a bit longer.

 

This breakup made me pursue things I never would have otherwise, I think. And it forced me to look at myself, really look at myself, and grow. I'm not okay yet. I still feel bitter at times and sometimes I get hit by negativity. But I'm bouncing back faster now. He really has no right to know or be involved with what's going on in my life anymore. And frankly, I'm not interested in his. Least pro-active guy I know. Wish I realized it sooner instead of making excuses for him. Kept making so many excuses I tried to overlook my own needs.

[wandererlust]

(Long update but I needed to get it out...I hope I didn't "hijack" or go overboard but this thread is great that so many of us are going through the same things and I really appreciate the support)

 

Day of NC: Back to Square One again I guess, darnit, but it had been 2 weeks (seemed like 2 months)

 

This past Saturday he sent me a text in the middle of the day. It was one of those texts that did not make any sense at all, and I figured it was sent accidentally or sent to make it look accidental so I would bite. I didn't bite. Later that night he texted me about having a gift for my son. I responded the next evening "sorry for the delay, not trying to be rude, a gift is nice but puzzling, maybe you can leave it at the door and I will let him (my son) know who it's from". He said it was a bday gift he forgot about and that he would leave it at the door and how was I doing? HOW WAS I DOING?????? If he only knew...so I lied through my teeth and replied "great thanks" and was done with it.

 

Maybe you are asking why I took the challenge and then broke NC. At the moment I wanted reconciliation- I'm not so sure anymore. I didn't want to be rude since he had a gift for my son- even though it seemed like he was using it as an excuse to get me to respond- whatever- I bit. I tried to keep it short and sweet and back to NC but since then my healing has definitely been hindered (*note to self- NC is the BEST way to heal!).

 

So then again Monday he texted "do you know what power women have?"- and I bit again because I thought (hoped) it was a crypic way of saying he missed me because I had this mesmerizing power over him (haha I know- you can giggle here too-I'm being purposefully dramatic)- and then he proceeded to tell me about something totally unrelated to the power of a woman (an article on a mugging).

 

He texted a few more times that day and I ignored him, the last text being that he wrote a poem about the power of a woman- interesting since he never wrote poems that I knew of in the 2 years I knew him.

 

Tuesday again he texted asking if I saw the article. I ignored him. I was starting to wonder if he had become some glutton for punishment since I had ignored the last four or five texts he sent. He was either totally dense, or wanted me to yell at him to go away but it was more than likely he took my few responses I did make as a "go ahead" to continue a friendly dialogue. I still didn't get it because I was ignoring it but he was persistent.

 

I went to my counselor Wednesday and got some enlightenment- my ex was trying to ensure he wasn't the "bad guy" and that he probably really had no clue what I was going through or feeling- he probably just could not fathom what he did wrong or why we couldn't be friends or go back to how things were. And then I started to accept that these meaningless texts meant nothing- nothing had changed, he did not have a realization in 2 weeks that he wanted me back, there was no hope to be found in them.

 

He did not contact me at all on Wednesday but now I had let him into my world again and I had the uncertainty that I hated- will he text again? What will it be this time? I drafted an email to reiterate my stance of not wanting to be friends and saved it.

 

Then yesterday he texted asking if I wanted to hear the poem. For some reason he wasn't going to let it go, so again- I bit. I asked if he wanted me to hear the poem or tell me something more direct. He asked what more direct meant. I asked why he wanted me to hear the poem and he wanted to know what I thought. I told him I didn't understand why he was doing this and that I thought I made things clear a few weeks ago and if he wanted to talk about something to let me know. All he said was "sure you made it clear". I asked why he was asking me about poems and the power of women and all he had to say was "yeah that seems strange I must agree".

 

So once again, I got nothing from him. Maybe it was the validation I needed to continue on. Maybe I needed to know that he is so out of touch with himself and his feelings that it is impossible for us to be together. Maybe I needed to break NC to let him go again.

 

So onward through Day 1 and beyond! I can do it I know I can.

 

**And no, no gift has been left at my door as of yet for my son

 

Thanks for letting me rant...

[nauum]

Ok so I took all your advice and had a letter ready to send in response to him wanting to break but didn't. Well after 5 days on NC..he's been texting with short texts talking about the weather and his golf game...what gives? If he wants to split why keep texting?

 

Now what do I do?

 

Should I ignore or ask him why he's texting or just keep it light? This is SOOOO WEIRD.

 

Lynne

[squirl]

naum,

 

without knowing your story, it sounds like he wants to convince himself you are on good terms so he doesn't feel any guilt. Mundane texts like that are not the sign of much.

 

Days of NC: 6

Days without smoking: 0. I am telling myself that if I avoid him, I can avoid being triggered. Bam, two birds with one stone.

 

Went out dancing and karaoke last night with friends and had a ball.

 

Heading to the gym.

 

This is such a good thread.

[marshmallito]

30 days NC

So guess I have graduated from the NC challenge... what's for me now? I still want to contact him, but I don't think he misses me, so why would I?

[marshmallito]

Oh right, cause I want him back

[dcgirl]

Just curious, for the "8 week challenge" did the author and all of you ladies count from the day you broke up, or from the day you last spoke?

 

I am 20 days from breakup

and 7 days from last phone conversation

[uncomfynumb]

I never followed this challenge though I am the one that posted it. I guess that makes me a sham.

 

My take is 8 weeks from no contact, not break up. But at three months, no matter what has happened, it is over. Quit hoping, try and let go and move on.

[dcgirl]

I never followed this challenge though I am the one that posted it. I guess that makes me a sham.

 

My take is 8 weeks from no contact, not break up. But at three months, no matter what has happened, it is over. Quit hoping, try and let go and move on.

 

Even if I was the dumper? (he was asking girls out on dates but never went on any - that I know of - 6 months into our 1 year relationship)

[uncomfynumb]

dcgirl,

 

Hummm, I'm not sure how that works you being the dumper for any other reason unless you are wanting commitment and gently to the dumping. And I apologize but I don't know a lot of your relationship history.

[dcgirl]

If you're interested my story is in the post called "So here is what I actually sent him and his response, and advice please"

[marshmallito]

It is definitely time starting from NC.

If you broke it off, gave him the honest reason, that you would be with him if he made certain changes/commitments. Then you are waiting for him to make up his mind to make those changes/commitments in these eight weeks, and when he does to contact you.

[dcgirl]

It is definitely time starting from NC.

If you broke it off, gave him the honest reason, that you would be with him if he made certain changes/commitments. Then you are waiting for him to make up his mind to make those changes/commitments in these eight weeks, and when he does to contact you.

 

Well it didn't exactly go down like that, I broke it off and told him all the reasons I was breaking it off (shady facebook happenings, asking at least one girl that I know of on a date - even though I dont think they actually went out, not telling his family about me, and meeting girls when he is out with his friends without me and getting to know their first and last names to add them to facebook, and then lying about it all). We had been fighting about all of it for 3 months but I didnt know he actually asked a girl out until 4/20 which is when I immediately broke up with him.

 

We both mutually agreed too much has happened for us to get back together immediately and we needed some time apart - for him to determine what he really wants, me or the single ife - and for me to see if I can forgive and forget, and I told him there is a chance I will never get back with him because my trust in us has been broken. He told me he wants to reconcile and KNOWS he can be the man I need him to be if I gave him another chance. We basically ended it saying if we are really meant to be, something will bring us back together. So who is the owness on, him or I to do the calling?

[loulou37]

i want to know, now in these 8 weeks, if the dumper sleeps with someone else, what happens then, would he still miss the ex and want her back?

[marshmallito]

loulou,

there is no way of knowing whether that would represent the dumper moving on, or whether it made them wish it had been with the ex. is that what has happened?

 

I am just over 6 weeks NC, sadly he has been NC with me the whole time too Have to stop caring whether he misses me.

[loulou37]

loulou,

there is no way of knowing whether that would represent the dumper moving on, or whether it made them wish it had been with the ex. is that what has happened?

 

I am just over 6 weeks NC, sadly he has been NC with me the whole time too Have to stop caring whether he misses me.

i don't know if he's with anyone else, i know that he was on fb and msn directly after we split, which really hurts....so he's looking!! when i left him he said he still loved me, so where did that love go so quick, i know i can't even think about going with anyone else until the love i have for him is gone.

 

i would like him to contact me, its the blocking me out that's making it harder for me to move on, cause i feel like everything is my fault. it's making me feel * * * * , i think he's even blocked me on msn.

[Ms Darcy]

i want to know, now in these 8 weeks, if the dumper sleeps with someone else, what happens then, would he still miss the ex and want her back?

 

If you two broke up and after the break up and he slept with you as well as someone else, it's not looking too good for him wanting you back.

[jenna-is-here]

I dont understand, is the 8 weeks from time of break up or is it from time of NC?

 

For example, in my case he moved out April 8th (after 4ys living together, he dedicded he didnt want marriage).

 

Since then we exchanged just 2 texts:

April 29th - (him thanking me for a packet of important docs I sent to him) and then

May 9th - (sadly I sent a text saying "thinking of you and your mom today" since it was mother's day).

 

So, my question is, when does my 8 weeks start? I wish I never sent the 2nd one but it was a moment of weakness.