The eight week challenge - For the ladies

[stillgrieving]

Day 11 of no contact. Not sure if I want him if he comes back. Not sure if I could ever trust him again for bailing on our relationship when he had doubts. He said he wasn't sure if he was ready for a serious relationship with me. He's 5 years older than me so that puts him at 34. I'm determined to start dating other guys and doing the things I love instead of wasting my time on him!

[JA0371]

Just read this.....interesting. Would be cool to read some updates that were successful.

[feelfreefloat]

What happens if you slept with you ex three weeks after a break up and then told him you just wanted to be friends......

 

Lol

[sharky988]

What happens if you slept with you ex three weeks after a break up and then told him you just wanted to be friends......

 

Lol

 

 

I really don't see any circumstance in which any of that would be conducive to YOUR healing and moving on.... or HIM missing you and changing his mind about being together.

 

Basically that's a lose / lose on all fronts.

 

Curious why it's something you'd LOL over? It reads pretty sad to me.

[JSB]

Thats a very good way of looking at things. Do you ever think that people just go through things in life that cause them to separate from people even the ones that they love? I've seen this happen & in the end their marriage was much better for it?

[JSB]

I wouldn't wait a day, never mind 8 freaking weeks for him to come back.. If I dump him, I mean it-its over, I am not coming back. If he is stupid enough to dump me then he aint getting another chance.. this makes it sound like its acceptable for him to need time to decide if he misses you. The right man will never let you go

 

Shelty 24 Thats a very good way of looking at things. Do you ever think that people just go through things in life that cause them to separate from people even the ones that they love? I've seen this happen & in the end their marriage was much better for it?

[lisapoynter]

I do have a question, My ex broke up with me 9 months ago, long story that is basically that he doesn't have a good self-esteem and he is not with friends that aren't good for him and they are taking him to bad decisions. I have contacted him at least 2 times per month, so he hasn't got the chance to really miss me... If I start NC NOW, should I count those 2 months from now? doesn't matter we broke up 9 months ago?

[JA0371]

Im doing a self imposed NC with my bf who is long distance right now...right now Im focusing on just a week of NC...that's hard enough to stomach. Can't imagine eight weeks. hard to really believe a guy comes back simply because eight weeks passed....then he suddenly comes to his senses? Guess Id have to be a witness to it.....humans have way too many emotions for it to be that simple.

[sadbutrue]

Does this apply when the ex left you for someone else and then says 2 months later after 1 month NC that he feels he made a mistake, but takes no action in breaking up with the new gf?

 

We are in our early 30s, together for 15 years and had planned marriage.

 

I am 4.5 months post BU and day 45 NC.

 

Almost 5 months post BU and day 49 NC here. My ex left me for someone else too.. How are you now?

[heartxbroken]

Almost 5 months post BU and day 49 NC here. My ex left me for someone else too.. How are you now?

 

Currently 6 months post BU and 92 days of NC (3 months). Absolutely no breadcrumbs. After the 8 week mark, I held on for another week and then started to let go. I had a moment where I sobbed at the fact that I needed to let go. If I could do it over again, I wish I let go from the start. I suggest you do the same. It does get easier once you realize you need to let go. At 2 months NC, I no longer had any urge to contact him. When I did have thoughts of contacting him, I realized I had absolutely nothing I would want to talk to him about. I woke up one day and felt oddly refreshed! I let go of hope and moving on. Thoughts come and go, but I feel indifferent about it. The frequency is further and further apart. I have been waiting to relapse, but it just hasn't happened. Staying busy helped me immensely. I am focused on improving myself and my life. Seriously, the best revenge is living well and I am determined to do so! I feel a lot stronger and humbled.

 

I have been following your story sadbuttrue since our stories are similar. I really do feel for you and I know its really difficult. Trust me, it doesn't seem like it now, but it does get better. Do some hard self improvement and try your best to be positive. Being left for someone else is the most self esteem damaging situation ever. Take a really good look at your ex...do you really want someone back who probably cheated on you right before they swung the branch to another tree? The trust is broken and there is no respect there anymore. You will see what a selfishly ugly person your ex turned out to be.

 

I think the 8 week challenge does not apply to those that were left for someone else. They are in the honeymoon stage and really do not care that you are mourning and sobbing after them. I think they probably sadistically enjoy knowing that - massive ego stroke! Let go. If they ever come around, you will be a different and a stronger. By then, you will realize you do not even want them back.

[stillgrieving]

Coming up on almost 9 weeks now. Guess he's not coming back and that's ok. I've been very happy by myself. I have a double date this weekend that I'm looking forward to. I'm still sad and I think about him and us but no more tears at least.

[sadbutrue]

I'm not expecting him to come back. But you know, this process is very irregular for me. Sometimes I feel positive and indifferent about it, but other times I feel nostalgic and upset that he had done this to me. It's sad that they are able to live happily after smashing someone's heart.

[stillgrieving]

my double date a few weeks ago was great! i'm still dating the guy i met and he's super fantastic. way better than my ex. he's attentive and sweet and he actually plans things out. yes, i know its still the honeymoon phase but this honeymoon is better than the honeymoon i had with my ex. the first night we met, we ended up staying out till 2 am just hanging out at a local burger joint, just the 2 of us. im excited to see where this goes. for those of you that are still hanging on to your ex... once you're past the depression, go back out there again and date. i know its hard and it almost feels like you're cheating on your ex but you're not. its their loss! good luck!

[JA0371]

Bumping this thread... just officially broke up with my LD bf. It was me who pulled the plug, but it felt forced. He is horrible with communication while long distance. Together we are great. Just too much bickering. I felt like a nag. Everytime I would push, he would pull back and shut down. After a few attempts to work it out, I had enough. So it's been three days.

 

Eight weeks doesn't seem very long...hard to believe someone could come to their 'senses' that quickly. Maybe I'm too skeptical, but it is interesting. I would love for my ex to truly change and try to work things out, but if he doesn't, then so be it. Im already prepared for the worst. Im willing to see what transpires in eight weeks. More so with myself. I'll take this challenge.

[sharky988]

Meh -- I don't think it's a good idea to try to change someone.

 

Men are like shoes: you take them *as is.*

 

It sounds like you've been in a power struggle with your boyfriend for many months now. Lots of drama and breakups. The problem with using breakups/makeups to create a sense of closeness is.... eventually EVEN THAT gets old, for both of you.

 

Have you talked about moving to where he lives so you're no longer long distance? Ultimately that has to happen eventually if you want a real future together -- and since he has kids, I assume you'd be the one to relocate.

[JA0371]

Meh -- I don't think it's a good idea to try to change someone.

 

Men are like shoes: you take them *as is.*

 

It sounds like you've been in a power struggle with your boyfriend for many months now. Lots of drama and breakups. The problem with using breakups/makeups to create a sense of closeness is.... eventually EVEN THAT gets old, for both of you.

 

Have you talked about moving to where he lives so you're no longer long distance? Ultimately that has to happen eventually if you want a real future together -- and since he has kids, I assume you'd be the one to relocate.

 

Hi Sharky..thanks..

 

He travels a lot for work...months at a time. He actually only lives about 1 1/2 hours from me. The thing is he is gone so much. You're right though..it does get exhausting going through the drama. I have no desire to even try and fix it right now. Maybe we are just not meant to be sigh....this sucks.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry hon, I don't think this applies to your situation. I've read this book and as it notes here, this is about a relationship that does not have significant issues and ends because he hesitates to commit to marriage. From what you describe, you didn't break up because he didn't want marriage.

[JA0371]

It may not apply to my situation...but it might actually help me to get through this by thinking positively, and not negatively. I'm realistic...regardless of the outcome, I'll be fine.

[Ms Darcy]

Definitely go for 2 weeks of no contact. Good luck!

[JA0371]

Getting back into my fitness routine really heavy starting today. I finally blocked my ex on FB too. Nothing good can come from me seeing his activity. Im going to make the next few months about getting ME back. As of now that's all that matters.

 

I also decided that by my Ex's birthday, July 9th...rather than wish him a happy birthday, Im going to do something nice for myself. Like a day spa, or something..

[kale]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here, but currently in this situation with my ex. Thought I'd post for the sake of anyone (like myself) who silently lurks all these threads!

 

My situation -- had been dating my ex for a year. We knew at the outset of the relationship he'd be leaving in a years time (he would be finishing school and would move out of state to start his career). That made it really really hard to get serious in the relationship, always felt like there was an expiration date/high pressure to seriously commit to it from the get go so we had some ups and downs a few a "break ups" along the way. However, we deeply love and care for one another and our "break ups" never lasted more than a few minutes or hours, at most a day. We always felt strongly about being together and have some sort of deep soul connection that I just can't explain.

 

Fast forward to the last few months...he has been incredibly stressed out about finishing school, packing up and moving his life literally accross the country, starting over, and starting an extremely stressful and demanding career when he gets there. For the last few months he wasn't treating me very well, and recently admitted he didn't know if he wanted to do "this" meaning our relationship. He says it was because I was putting too much pressure on him and making him feel guilty about things -- in retrospect I see this and agree, although I do not excuse some of his behavior. I also think he has been really stressed and emotional about the move and having to pick up his life and start fresh.

 

Several tearful conversations/weeks later, he lays it down and wants a true break up. He says this one is for real, but also that he still loves me and will come back for me with a ring once he is the better man that I need him to be and that he needs to miss me to know this is right (funny as that's exactly what the 8 week is supposedly for!). For a few weeks we tried to keep in contact as "friends" of sorts...ie not much changed we just saw less of each other...still talked almost constantly and slept together. But it was too hard for me, so I finally I told him "you know what, you broke up with me. So you don't get your cake and eat it too. No contact until you want to be back together."

 

I told him that almost a month ago. A week after, I told him no contact, he wanted to see me as he wrote me a very sweet letter in which he said he would come back for me with a ring like he said, and that he hopes I wait for him, he loves me very much, wants the life we talked about, etc. I said I would see him to get it, and we said our goodbyes again which was very sad and hard for both of us. He left it at he loves me very much and he's coming back for me with a ring, and I left it at "I love you very much too and want that but I'll believe it when I see it and no contact in the meantime. By the way, I'll be moving on and possibly dating others since you are letting me go." He is not happy that I might see other people, and also not happy about the no contact...but once again, he broke up with me. No cake and eating it too. Anyways, that was 3 weeks ago, but we last spoke 2 weeks prior (a quick text where he told me he survived his long drive accross the country).

 

Part of me believes he will be back, because deep in my heart I feel that we are supposed to be together, and there is no way you can be in love the way we were/are and just let it go. I think we really just need this space to heal and move on from some of our past, as well as to mature and decide that we are both ready to commit 100% to each other and be in it for the long haul. No part of me does not believe him, but a big part of me FEARS this will not be the case and that he will just end up moving on and letting us go.

 

But, I subscribe to the "if it's meant to be it will be camp." So I am doing my best to keep busy and keep on with my life. If he comes back, wonderful. If not, I know I will be ok in time.

 

Stay tuned, I'll keep everyone posted on what happens and whether the 8 weeks thing works for us

[sharky988]

Good for you for standing up for yourself and not letting him have his cake and eat it!

 

Stick to your NC and post on this thread if you're ever tempted to break it. Right now you're at 2 weeks.... so you've got 6 more weeks in the 8 Week Challenge to either see a result or walk away from this for good!

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

[sunflower87]

Can I join this? Nearing day 5 for me. (Background 476776[/url])

 

I don't know how I will make it to 8 weeks but nearly one down. I've had one message from him and ignored it. It's horrible.

Why do I feel like a bad person for ignoring a "How are you doing? X" message when he caused me so much pain! ?

[kale]

I would not respond. Doing NC was the best decision I made so far after our break up. It's hard (soooo hard), but I feel much better doing it this way. We did the sort of stay friends thing for a few weeks, which really wasn't any different than our relationship...except he didn't have to be accountable to me. I started feeling like I was being used and resenting him and he felt pressure from me to do more than he was capable of giving at the time...it was bad for both of us and led to several fights. Now that we aren't talking I feel like I have my power back and took some control back in the whole ordeal. And he knows that if he wants to contact me again it's going to have to be meaningful and for the purpose of reconciling.

 

He did try a few cutesy things after a few days of no contact....sending me cute pics via email, liking pics on facebook, etc. I ignored it all. I think he was trying to get a temperature gauge on how serious I was about all this, as in the past I had said I didn't want to talk or we'd say we were broken up, but then end up sliding back into our old habits. This time is different for me. We need to both commit to making it work or move on. No contact helps either way. I really believe my guy needs time and space to miss me, and (I read your thread), if you think your guy is going to realize he made a mistake...he will! But he has to miss you and feel that void of you not being in his life in order to get to that place in his head. Be strong!!!

[sunflower87]

Thanks I'm trying to be strong. I haven't heard anything from him since that message but he has been checking to see I've read it.

 

He needs to realise what life without me is actually like for better or worse. Me too and I'm assuming he won't come back. I'm trying to look for places to live to keep myself going and move on with my life.