Whistle

I am quite glad that a part of me can callously realize that I may have been more in love with the prospect of being in love than truly being in love with you. But of course we know that it's a lie. Except the guy I fell in love with isn't there anymore. Or maybe he was never there. I don't want to think about it. I settled. I am so angry at myself that I settled for your second best. A lot of times I still get choked up by everything that happened. I still get sad at the prospect that we can't be friends. I can't allow us to be friends, not in a few months, not in years. You're selfish. Everyone is selfish to a certain extent--but you? Reviewing our relationship, it has always been about you and me loving you more than you loved me. I can't go back to that.

I find it incredibly annoying that people find you an inspiration. The only reason you knew of that conservatory was because I pointed you to it and I supported you every step of the way. I listened to your compositions. I lent you my books. I believed in you. I kept cheering you on when you were getting afraid you wouldn't get in. It's your talent that got you in, of course, but let's face it--I contributed a lot. And I know you're only pursuing this because you don't know where else to go. I helped you get to where you are now. Or where you're going. But of course you don't remember that, do you? Of course I'm happy for you. I'm so very proud of you. I just wish I could share it with you. Except I can't anymore. To tell you the truth, I miss you a lot. I'm studying Philosophy and we both like that. And I'm teaching kids this summer and I'm sure you'd find my stories incredibly amusing. If we were together. But we aren't and I know you can't stand me. And honestly, I know I won't be able to stand you when I see you in person. No, I don't think you deserve to be called an inspiration. It's always been your talent, music. I'd call you an inspiration once I see you bleed for it. Once I see you become more generous for it. Once I see you put your art first because you've realized how important it is to you. No. You aren't an inspiration. Don't let it get to your head.

What eats me is my gut tells me it's this other girl, your ex before me. I'm so envious that both of you were best friends before anything happened so there's something you treasure there. I don't know what we have between us that binds us together. Maybe nothing now. I really, really want to stop feeling like this. I just want to stop caring.

I'm okay, but I hate how in the mornings I have to always remind myself of the fact that we're no longer together and that I can't allow myself to speak to you anymore.

The relationship made me realize I could be a loving partner, that I am able to compromise, and share dreams. It also made me realize the parts of me I could improve on as a person, such as setting priorities and the importance of being happy with myself. The point is, a lot of good came out of the relationship alongside the bad. Fine, remember the bad. I'll take the good. I will grow from this. I will miss you, I admit that much. But you are such a negative force in my life right now, it would be best for me to block you off. No more, no more.

I miss the times you lend me your hanky when I cry.

I honestly think we can still work things out. We just need to sit down and talk about our issues. But you have to want things to work out too and you have to put effort into it. I won't chase after you for this. I'm going to move on and heal. I won't ever deny how precious you are to me, however. You know where to find me.