The eight week challenge - For the ladies

[squirl]

 

Is this how I'm supposed to go about the contact? I like the idea of this challenge and refuse to initiate contact with him. However in 1.5 months we will be working closely together for about 3 months. Thoughts??

 

This is a thread for ladies who are supporting each other in the 8-week challenge. Perhaps you wil get better responses starting another thread?

 

Hello ladies,

 

Day of NC: 3

days since smoking: 8

 

I feel ok. Numb about him, angry at times at what he threw away.

Work, Korean and fitness are going really well.

 

Monday I went to see a friend do a theater piece. Saw many mutual friends from the online publication we write for and learned that my ex is hosting the BBQ this month. We usually have a BBQ every couple months.

 

I will go. But I have to leave early to do a radio show. I have been eating like a pig since I quit smoking so I feel compelled to work out.

 

How is everyone else doing?

[marshmlofluff]

This is a thread for ladies who are supporting each other in the 8-week challenge. Perhaps you wil get better responses starting another thread?

 

Hello ladies,

 

Day of NC: 3

days since smoking: 8

 

Days since I saw him: 131

 

Days since breakup (strict NC): 96

 

Still miss him: Now and then, in unexpected twinges and stabs.

 

Things present BF does not do that he did: Hold doors (bad), say mean things (good).

 

Places I haven't yet returned to: First date restaurant.

 

Still check news reports in his hometown: Now and then.

 

Googled him: No, but after 100 days I might.

 

Want him back: No.

 

Overall: >90% healed.

[squirl]

Days since I saw him: 131

 

 

Things present BF does not do that he did: Hold doors (bad), say mean things (good).

 

 

Tee hee. Nice.

[squirl]

I'm just going to file this article here in case I need to look at it sometime:

 

link removed

 

It's about anger, stayed hooked on relationships, and active working to change.

 

" Assertiveness needs practice just like any new skill of learning.

 

Change is prompted by people who want it and decide to make it happen. You need some support to make positive change in your life. Find friends who will support your through your transition. New friends who come into your life when you are ready to make change are called 'transition people." They may or may not become a permanent part of your life, but they are there to provide some cheerleading for you when you need it the most."

 

Thanks for being my transition support team. Now off to kick butt on another day!

[jaygirl]

I thought I would come back for an update here.

I wouldn't really say much has happened, but my ex is so excited to be talking to me. I found out he was stalking my facebook page daily after I started Nc. We just had a two hour talk and he kept saying how miserable he felt during NC. Now he wants us to have a romantic outing on saturday, and spend his birthday together on monday, then take a weekend to another city next month. Its all so crazy. He says he wants to treat me like a princess, I could aswell melt the crown into a ring.

 

I am overwhlemed with the rush of emotions, and I am perhaps no longer thinking with my head.

[squirl]

he kept saying how miserable he felt during NC. Now he wants us to have a romantic outing on saturday, and spend his birthday together on monday, then take a weekend to another city next month. Its all so crazy. He says he wants to treat me like a princess, I could aswell melt the crown into a ring.

 

I am overwhlemed with the rush of emotions, and I am perhaps no longer thinking with my head.

 

What emotions are you feeling? I hear a lot about his wants, his needs. Is he saying he is miserable just to have less rather than more, or is he saying he values and loves you and wants to secure his future with you.

 

What is the point of the princess talk when you are looking for a partner.

[Whistle]

Days of NC: 15

 

I can't believe I reached this point. It feels fantastic and I'm proud of myself. I still feel the downward swings, but I'm viciously determined to pick myself up and try things I've never attempted before. Like parkour or martial arts. Just something! Just get to know myself more. I'm just twenty three and there's so much life out there.

 

Removing him from everything was definitely a good choice and I honestly feel a bit afraid of the time when he would contact me. I doubt he will though and if he goes back to his old ex? Go ahead, dude.

 

I can't wait to become a more awesome version of myself.

[wandererlust]

Day 13

 

It's interesting to see the similarities between myself and others, depending on what day of NC they are on. Early on I was angry and bitter and numb and sad and now it's getting better- all within a week or so! So have hope all of you that are early in the NC healing process- it really helps.

 

I know that if I were to see my ex or talk to him it would still be hard for me so it gives me encouragement to stay NC. I have my down periods like last night I just wanted a hug from him and I was sad, but focusing on other things help. And I go to bed earlier to try not to think and it seems to be what my body needs right now- rest from emotional trauma. I am very careful though to notice any signs of serious depression since I have those tendencies.

 

A few days ago he texted me with a meaningless text and I never responded. It still has me a bit puzzled but I still won't act on it. I really don't think anything has changed and it's just a matter of him missing me as a friend or security blanket. I know his life is stressful right now so I am sure that is it. I doubt he has had any epiphany or change of heart in this short time.

 

I realize more as time goes on that I am grieving "what I thought it was", not the reality. I have to remember the lack of romance, the lack of effort on his part- but when I am sad I find I miss the good stuff we had and all of the time we had together.

 

I keep preparing myself for bumping into him and how I will act or what I will say so that I am not flustered. I was always so happy to see him, bright eyed like a child, it will be hard to change that natural reaction.

 

I am focusing more on myself and healing. I set up a little altar to start meditating again. I set up my creative space to start my artwork again. I plan on working on my garden this weekend to make it a personal retreat. I'm reading "Eat Pray Love" which is comforting right now. So it's the little steps that hep me feel like I am moving forward, rather than staying stuck.

 

Have faith, it will get better.

[wandererlust]

OK now I'm a tad miffed (see how this healing goes moment to moment??) since the text he sent me the other day was also sent to another mutual friend. So I guess it's not so puzzling at all. I mean maybe it is..I don't know. I know it's ridiculous to overanalyze it but WHY would he contact me????? Grr!!!

 

I want him to miss me and realize what he lost. I know this is a normal feeling that many of you share. That's all. I wanted the intention of him sending the text to be more meaningful, despite the lame content.

[miss meh]

I'm reading "Eat Pray Love" which is comforting right now. So it's the little steps that hep me feel like I am moving forward, rather than staying stuck.

 

Have faith, it will get better.

 

Haha, I read it too, and it definitely made me feel better. Tho the 'love' section I couldn't actually read for a while, it somehow made me sad (lol). I ended up passing it on to a friend's sister who is coming out of a long, messy divorce.

[wandererlust]

Today is pretty much the 2 week mark for me of NC. Day 14. Not a blip from him since Day 11 which is fine- it is what it is I guess. I may see him this Sunday at a community event as he has been there in previous years with his work. We shall see I guess. I still have a lot of anger I realize and now I can't even imagine talking to him because I don't trust him 100% any longer since he has pulled this routine now twice. Yesterday it was a year that we broke up- the first time. It's really weird to be going through this again around the same time of the year. Good luck with the weekend everybody.

[Whistle]

Day 17 of NC

 

It's funny how posting here helps diminish my want for him to return. There are still moments I miss him intensely, but hey, those are just memories. Who he is now is a totally different person. I can't imagine any form of reconciliation happening between us unless we both seriously change. Or grow up. I think we have a lot of growing up to do, he and I. And I feel (with some dread and excitement) that I have a very long road ahead of me. Settling down still can't be an option.

 

Like you, wanderlust, I still have a lot of anger towards my ex. I'm just sincerely glad circumstance is making sure we're far apart. But I have to let go of all this bitterness soon. I just want to stop caring already and just be indifferent.

 

I ask myself if I still want to be friends. I don't think so. I had to live with him being best friends with his ex-girlfriend and I didn't enjoy the experience one bit. Especially when they began to regularly chat and semi-meet-up again. It made me very uncomfortable, but I tried to man up about it and just trust him. Rationally, I don't think this was the ultimate cause of why we split--but it definitely put a huge strain on the already stressful period of our relationship (we were both graduating; I was dealing with a lot of things academically and so was he; we neglected each other). She became a happy escape. And obviously, I'm still bitter about it because I'm talking about it at length. (I have no idea what's going on between them now, if they're together or not. I shouldn't care.)

 

In a nutshell, I don't want to make any other girl experience that. So I don't think I can be friends with him.

[uncomfynumb]

I just posted a thread in the "Healing and Moving on" section about why not to be friends with the ex. For what it is worth.

 

This week I must say has been the most enlightening and gratifying in terms of moving on that I have experienced thus far. There was so much that I felt that I didn't understand that I have clung to along with other generally negative emotions that I have felt that I have let go of, really let go of and I feel fantastic! I also have a date next weekend with a guy that is crazy, silly like myself!

 

One of my best girl friends whom I love dearly but that I don't get to talk to so much anymore called me out of the blue and we talked for almost three hours! My how she has grown! She used to come to me with everything and now, she is solid as a rock! She turned the tables on me and made me think about things all over again but with a different view.

 

You girls are great! I learn so much reading your thoughts and experiences and I am so glad that we are sharing here. I feel like we are all doing this together and in this together.

 

xoxox

[waveseer]

When I read the opening post I had to laugh, no offense to anyone intended. Why would I wait for a man to decide if I am worth committing to? I wouldn't, and I wouldn't expect a man to wait for me either. If he did I would think he was a fool, and if I did I expect he would think the same. Once it's over the concept of loyalty is null and void.

[uncomfynumb]

When I read the opening post I had to laugh, no offense to anyone intended. Why would I wait for a man to decide if I am worth committing to? I wouldn't, and I wouldn't expect a man to wait for me either. If he did I would think he was a fool, and if I did I expect he would think the same. Once it's over the concept of loyalty is null and void.

 

I can't say I disagree. But them men folk supposedly have different kind of brains and all...

 

Feeliing the love yet?

[waveseer]

I can't say I disagree. But them men folk supposedly have different kind of brains and all...

 

Feeliing the love yet?

 

I, for one, am very happy that we all don't have female brains! I shudder to think what that would be like. lol

 

On the other hand, if it takes weeks of separation for someone to know they want to be with you then wouldn't you surmise that they are just avoiding being alone?

[uncomfynumb]

I, for one, am very happy that we all don't have female brains! I shudder to think what that would be like. lol

 

On the other hand, if it takes weeks of separation for someone to know they want to be with you then wouldn't you surmise that they are just avoiding being alone?

 

Why are you here? To insult the intelligence of the author that has spent a large portion of her life researching relationship and studying the differences between men and women or to insult the intelligence of the rest of us?

 

No, I would't surmise that if someone came back that they are avoiding being alone, not every time. Each situation is different.

[dcgirl]

This post helped me immensely. Just wanted you know. Going thr the same thing only Iam the dumper in this situation.

[Ms Darcy]

On the other hand, if it takes weeks of separation for someone to know they want to be with you then wouldn't you surmise that they are just avoiding being alone?

 

I think that would negate most of the advice given in the getting back together forum.

 

I don't agree that if it takes weeks for someone to commit to you for life that he or she is just avoiding being alone. It would really depend on the relationship and how the separation discussion occurred.

[waveseer]

Why are you here? To insult the intelligence of the author that has spent a large portion of her life researching relationship and studying the differences between men and women or to insult the intelligence of the rest of us?

 

No, I would't surmise that if someone came back that they are avoiding being alone, not every time. Each situation is different.

 

I have no problem agreeing to disagree. I don't believe disagreeing insults anyone's intelligence, if anything it's a compliment because it means I think they can handle a dissenting opinion.

[waveseer]

I think that would negate most of the advice given in the getting back together forum.

 

I don't agree that if it takes weeks for someone to commit to you for life that he or she is just avoiding being alone. It would really depend on the relationship and how the separation discussion occurred.

 

I didn't understand the premise the same way you did. The commitment I read was about having a solid relationship and being able to count on each other not a lifetime commitment. Even so, I would hope any partner of mine would know themselves and me well enough for it not to take weeks and weeks of being apart to decide. In my little world it shouldn't take longer than a few days of solitude to search one's heart and mind leading to a clear decision.

[Whistle]

Days of NC: -

 

He spoke with me yesterday. He couldn't take a hint that I wanted him to leave me alone. He said he had something important to say, but apparently it was to order me to not let a rather petty fact about his ex slip out to our mutual friends. As if I cared. I told him it was't my issue to tell. Then he called me annoying.

 

I don't want to recall the conversation anymore. Aside from the fact that he was petty and disrespectful. He was the one going all hostile saying, "I do not want to blow up." He doesn't have to. He is the one already asking the favor and he has the nerve to act as if I were a burden?

 

I am infuriated and annoyed. I wish I did't fall into the "it's important" trap. I feel much better without him. I do not have to be exposed to his negativity.

 

I'm not going to keep count now, because from this forward on, it's going to be an interminable No Contact. I don't need people like him in my life. So selfish.

[uncomfynumb]

I have no problem agreeing to disagree. I don't believe disagreeing insults anyone's intelligence, if anything it's a compliment because it means I think they can handle a dissenting opinion.

 

Sorry but I found the comment below a little insulting.

 

I, for one, am very happy that we all don't have female brains! I shudder to think what that would be like. lol

 

What exactly were you trying to imply here? That having the thoughts of the many female posters including the author is somehow a handicap?

 

Here is a link for you to read.

 

link removed

 

The facts are that men and women ARE different from each other and it does indeed take men a lot longer to process emotions. And I think that the more that women try and understand these differences, it will improve their relationships.

 

For you to expect a man, to think just like you and be able to make a big decision about commitment in a matter of days or to just know, based on feelings and emotions that are bit more difficult to process. And this is not including other factors and fears that he may be facing.

 

Lastly, since most of the information here came from a book called "Getting To I Do" it is about lifelong commitments and not just long term relationships.

[waveseer]

The comment that you found offensive I was merely pointing out that a world filled with only womens brains would be highly emotionally driven at least some of the time and I would find that disturbing. What is it about an opinion you disagree with that makes it offensive?

 

I have no problem leaving the "hard time making lifetime decisions" men to other women. Then again, I have no need to marry. The way I see it no matter what his concerns were he'd be sharing them with me along the way. That's what good communication is all about. It's not us and them its us and what goals we wish to reach in our lives and with whom we wish to reach them. Again, how is my opinion wrong or shortsighted or insulting simply because it differs from yours and the authors. I do agree that men and women generally process things differently and viva la difference!

[uncomfynumb]

The comment that you found offensive I was merely pointing out that a world filled with only womens brains would be highly emotionally driven at least some of the time and I would find that disturbing. What is it about an opinion you disagree with that makes it offensive?

 

Ok, then. It was a misunderstanding of what you wrote on my part. My apologies.

 

As for the rest of your opinion, it is not insulting or short siighted at all. I respect that and feel a lot like you. The different perspective offered here by the author just helped me to understand the differences between men and women differently and thought I still tend to agree that a man should just "know" I also respect and accept that this is not the case all the time, that indeed it takes some of them time.