Do women like nice guys? Jerks? Good guys? What?

[Bergamot]

Just watch this video

 

 

 

I think all of your answers are here.

 

Although I still question her views. Women might want confident men but I also think they want a guy who's stable in the pockets if you know what I'm saying?. I've been listening to a lot of Tom Leykis show and a lot of the crap he says makes sense.

 

Its a shame his show has been cancelled.

 

Wow, I really liked this video. It's short, sweet, and to the point

[LightbulbSun]

I liked the video, too.

 

There's a lot of truth to it. Not making eye contact, not smiling, having a weak posture...these have all lead to me being perceived as 'passive' and not manly enough. Confidence, whatever that is, is what a guy needs to get into a successful relationship with a woman.

[HouseKitten]

Dating sites. Mmmm. I'm not too sure. Tons of guys and not many girls?

 

I'll be honest, guys do tend to be up against more competition than girls on these sites. I think a lot of it is down to luck. I got very lucky and met my boyfriend after only talking to 3-4 other men - he got EXTREMELY lucky since I was only the 2nd woman he'd approached. But that's pretty rare - some guys will be on a site for months and not meet anyone who really does it for them.

 

I'd say if you try it, try to go into it with no expectations and just see it as a window of opportunity. If it doesn't work out then you're no worse off than you are right now. You might get lucky and meet someone you really click with but also remember - you only get out what you put in. I've reviewed profiles for men since I stopped needing mine and some people put in the minimum amount of effort and expect dates to fall at their feet - other guys use it as a space to rant about their exes or how awful women are.

 

If you do decide to go for it, let me know, I'm in the process of building my own website to offer profile reviews the only site I can't review for is eHarmony, their system is extremely secretive.

[g84]

 

I'm just so frustrated at hearing about teenager's sex lives.... ](*,)

 

Do you mean you're hearing about it online, or in general in your everyday?

If a lot of what you're seeing on this forum or on other forums is bringing you down, maybe it would be a good idea to take a big break from all of it and focus most on putting into practice any good advice that you feel you've been given. A lot of posts that i read in general cause me to worry more about certain things, so i wondered if it was the case for you. You sound really distressed in your post, and i can't help but think that reading things on here makes it worst in some ways, but i might just be projecting my own thoughts.

[Dangerous]

I don't know. I might do. I live in a small City and I've had a browse on a few dating sites to see how many local women use these things and it doesn't look very good. I can imagine there are lot's of guy's all with the same mentality trying to attract the small amount of girls available to them. I still think girls no matter what will still go on looks - especially height and facial appearance. I've read quite a few female dating profiles that allowed me to view without an account that specifically state information about height.

 

BTW - hearing your peers brag about sexual conquests or hooking up with somebody is always going to be frustrating. You feel like your missing out on something that you'll never get back. We only get older never younger so to hear your peers talk about sexual exploits or going on dates etc feels * * * * ty because in the back of your mind the questions - 'why am I missing out? Am I ugly' - are always lurking around helping you to feel even worse about yourself. I see girls daily at work that I'd love to date or at least get to know - and chances are they'll be enjoying an active sex life either with a long term partner or even a casual fling, and this just makes me feel bitter and jealous because I wish it was me they were seeing. Then you get yourself into this rut of hating everybody because you don't live or feel like them. You see the cute blonde walking down the hall way smiling to herself as she passes you and your thinking "what she smiling at", but ya know, she's probably smiling because she's probably enjoying her life, her sex life and her social life. Why shouldn't she be smiling? I'd be smiling too. But because your missing out and you are constantly lonely you react with a bitter angry vibe because you know what she's smiling about. And your not getting any. This is my life. It's easy, really easy for women. If they want casual sex they can get it with virtually who ever they'd like it from whenever they need it in life. Most men won't reject a deliberate plea for sex from a female. Even if it is only sex the female is after. And of course the woman can be very picky in who she chooses to have a casual sex with. If the woman wants something more long term then all she has to do is look nice and sit at a bar. Men will start approaching her with a view to picking her up, either she accepts and gives them a chance or rejects them and waits for more men to chat her up. A woman can never ever fail. That's why most women you meet in life are very rarely single or completely disconnected from any kind of loose relationship or sex buddy. They can whatever they want whenever they need it so obviously they'll never feel as frustrated or as desperate as men. A man like myself has to approach women, chat them up, ask them out, basically slog my balls off just to try to get a number or a date, let alone a good casual fling. And mostly I receive rejection after rejection......Because even if the woman I was asking out DID want a casual sexual fling, she wouldn't have to settle for me or any other man she found not good enough for her sexual tastes, she could just wait or throw herself at the type of male she needed for her temporary needs. Women will never feel this pain of constant rejection. I don't care for what any female says on this issue. You can never relate to relentless rejection that men like me live with. Even * * * * * * , * * * * s, bicycles etc are very very choosey because they can be. Why do you think prostitutes are still big business?

[Day_Walker]

I think that the OP has to realize that being a gentlemen doesnt mean that he has to be a stereotypical nice guy. A gentleman is simply a man who thinks one thing and says another.

 

I think that the key to women is fairly simple, dont give too much too soon. Time is your friend and not your enemy.

[LightbulbSun]

I think that the key to women is fairly simple, dont give too much too soon. Time is your friend and not your enemy.

 

But, once again, there's the question of 'how much' should I give?

 

Example 1: If I give too much, I become needy and a 'nice, passive' guy

Example 2: If I give too little, she thinks I'm not interested and moves on

 

How do you get somewhere in the middle of those two extremes? Should I just talk to her like any other person, but reach for her hand or make eye contact a little too long?

 

I'm foreign to this, I really am, since I've never been on a date before. And the last girl I asked out, and I mean specifically ASKED OUT, was 8 years ago. It seems like all the people at my college, even the 18 year olds, are more experienced than me. Does anybody know of any dating seminars I can take? Help?

[MD Geist]

I think that the key to women is fairly simple, dont give too much too soon. Time is your friend and not your enemy.

 

Yeah up until some guy comes out of the blue and they start dating after 2 weeks of knowing each other.

[LightbulbSun]

Yeah up until some guy comes out of the blue and they start dating after 2 weeks of knowing each other.

 

That's because they have the secret code. You know the one, the one that all the players know and all the hopeless virgins don't.

[OptomisticGirl]

But, once again, there's the question of 'how much' should I give?

 

Example 1: If I give too much, I become needy and a 'nice, passive' guy

Example 2: If I give too little, she thinks I'm not interested and moves on

 

How do you get somewhere in the middle of those two extremes? Should I just talk to her like any other person, but reach for her hand or make eye contact a little too long?

 

I'm foreign to this, I really am, since I've never been on a date before. And the last girl I asked out, and I mean specifically ASKED OUT, was 8 years ago. It seems like all the people at my college, even the 18 year olds, are more experienced than me. Does anybody know of any dating seminars I can take? Help?

 

It also all depends on where you try to meet women at. The girls that really want a gentleman aren't gonig to be at the same place the girls who just want a quick ride are. It's just as frustrating for us women trying to find a good guy in the world. The good guys have to wade through all the women who just sleep around and the good women have to wade through jerks in order to find a good guy.

 

Good guys should wear neon signs I'm convinced lol

[Day_Walker]

But, once again, there's the question of 'how much' should I give?

 

Example 1: If I give too much, I become needy and a 'nice, passive' guy

Example 2: If I give too little, she thinks I'm not interested and moves on

 

How do you get somewhere in the middle of those two extremes? Should I just talk to her like any other person, but reach for her hand or make eye contact a little too long?

 

I'm foreign to this, I really am, since I've never been on a date before. And the last girl I asked out, and I mean specifically ASKED OUT, was 8 years ago. It seems like all the people at my college, even the 18 year olds, are more experienced than me. Does anybody know of any dating seminars I can take? Help?

 

Dating is about learning and I cannot tell you what will work for every girl but you have to learn what works for you and your own dating style.

[Day_Walker]

Yeah up until some guy comes out of the blue and they start dating after 2 weeks of knowing each other.

 

I think that situation is irrelevant a guy could come out of the woodwork at any moment. If a girl isnt interested in you enough to keep seeing him then why should he bother wasting his time on her?

 

Acting as if a guy will come and take a girl away from you is no way to go about dating. That is not a confident position to take instead that is acting out of fear. You are never going to succeed with every girl and that is just a fact that you have to accept.

[johnnyp]

I haven't read your whole thread LightbulbSun, so I'm sorry if any of what I say now has been said already, but I posted this in another thread a while ago and it got a good response, so you may like it too......

 

After many years around many women (some friends, some GF's) it became very, very clear what 99% (if not 100%) of women I've known really want from their man.

 

* Strong and masculine. This doesn't have to mean you're physically big or strong....it's all in how you carry yourself. You can be a small skinny guy and still carry yourself like an incredibly strong man and exude that strength. Likewise you can be a huge guy and be a complete wuss.

 

* Decisive but not bossy or overly domineering. Basically, don't turn up on a date and say "So, where do you wanna go"....have a plan. My most successful dates are always the ones where I call up and say I'll pick her up at 8pm and when she says "Where are we going" I tell her "Don't worry....that's for you to find out later" and then I have a whole evening planned out and she can just enjoy the ride. Always actually HAVE something planned though..don't say what I say and then pick her up and say "So, where do you wanna go". LOL.

 

* Protective. She wants to feel like you're a man and protecting her, even if you never actually have to do any protecting. I've been told many times that, by being a real man, it makes her feel how she wants to feel....like more of a woman. When you walk at night down a dark street and some scary looking guys are coming the other way, she wants to know that she's safe, so it's up to you to be that man (even if inside you're praying to god that those guys don't start anything . The flipside is, she most likely NEVER wants you to hit anyone or get into a fight....she just wants to know that you would if you had to in order to protect yourself or her. Again it's all in how you carry yourself....I've seen huge, loud, aggressive guys turn into scared, shaking wusses when a guy calls their bluff and shouts them down, and I've also seen small, quiet, skinny guys open a can of whup-ass on people too. Appearances mean nothing....you've got to back it up too. Many, many women tell me they like tall men more than short or average sized guys, because it makes them feel safer. The fact that most of these tall guys would run a mile if anyone challenged them means nothing....it's all about how she FEELS when she's with him. If you're not tall, you just need to bring that feeling out of her anyway

 

* Sensitive. Listen to her when she needs to talk....and this means REALLY listen, not just nod and pretend you're listening and then when she says "So, what do you think I should do" you just look stupid and say "Errrrr.....just do what you just said". The whole sensitivity thing is a double-edged sword though. Be too sensitive (ie. get all hurt and throw hissy fits about the smallest things) and you lose some masculinity in her eyes, but if you lack sensitivity, then you're losing points too....the balance has to be just right. While we're here, am I the only guy that cringes when I see men out with their GF's and they have their head leaned on their GF's shoulder and are looking up at them adoringly? Be a MAN....let her do the shoulder leaning and adoring looks. And nearly everytime I see this happen, the GF has a look on her face like "(Shudder) I really wish he wasn't doing that"

 

* Be in charge of your life and the situation at hand. Nothing is as attractive as a man or women that has their act together and doesn't take any mess from anyone. This doesn't mean you have to be an angry jerk...just know your value and make sure other people realise that you expect the best treatment from them (all the while giving them the best treatment they also deserve). Sometimes this CAN even mean coming accross as a bit of a jerk. Once when my ex GF was going through a lazy phase and not helping much around the house, I didn't whine and moan, and after a few days of asking her to get off her backside and help out, I finally snapped, grabbed the sponge, bucket and rubber gloves, gave them to her and TOLD her to get off her backside and do some damn cleaning right now. She grudgingly did it, and had a pouty look on her face the whole time, but that evening she was all over me like never before, so sometimes what might seem like being a bossy jerk is actually just you showing you respect yourself and demand the same from her. Sometimes being a jerk can work

 

There's loads more of course but these are the main ones. Be strong but not bossy. Be sensitive but not a wuss. Be protective but don't instigate trouble etc etc.

 

It's not about nice guys finishing last. It's about men that show traits of being weak, insecure, needy, pushovers that finish last. I'm not judging anyone...we all have our own path to walk, but if you're a "nice guy" that always gets passed over by the jerks, then learn to accommodate the jerks attractive traits (confidence, masculinity, lack of neediness etc) into your already kind, sweet and gentle personalities. If you do this, I guarantee you, that you'll stop losing out to the jerks. It's not that women want a jerk....they want a nice guy that is also a MAN!

[veneratio]

Tried to rep you johnny, but I have to spread the love first. That's some good stuff...spot on.

[Dougie_D]

Confidence comes within yourself but it can only GROW by others. If you feel less confident about something it is really harder for it to get bigger. And if you have had people saying "you are ugly, get in shape!, get a new style, you got problems, etc..." and you NEVER hear "you're so sexy, I love the way you dress, you make me blush, etc..." You start to dig yourself in a hole. People NEVER QUESTION THEMSELVES FIRST. It's not until you hear the negativity from others, when you lack the confidence. People may be walking around happily and joyful with cancer. It isn't until they are perhaps diagnosed with it when it changes the way they live.

[greywolf]

Confidence comes within yourself but it can only GROW by others. If you feel less confident about something it is really harder for it to get bigger. And if you have had people saying "you are ugly, get in shape!, get a new style, you got problems, etc..." and you NEVER hear "you're so sexy, I love the way you dress, you make me blush, etc..." You start to dig yourself in a hole. People NEVER QUESTION THEMSELVES FIRST. It's not until you hear the negativity from others, when you lack the confidence. People may be walking around happily and joyful with cancer. It isn't until they are perhaps diagnosed with it when it changes the way they live.

 

I disagree. There are plenty of people out there who are very attractive and only hear compliments, but still have issues with their confidence and self-esteem.

[randomgirl59]

maybe you should just stop caring so much. I've noticed through experiences not only in dating, but in other aspects of life, that the more you focus all your mind on one thing and try really hard to obtain it, the less likely it is that you will. On one hand yes, you do want to focus on getting what you want, but if you try to hard and let it eat you up inside, the farther away it gets. The universe is annoying that way.

 

Just be yourself. Dont focus on what women may want. Women want different things in a man. Also, if you fancy yourself a bit of a non-conformist (that's the impression I got when you said you didn't want to cut your hair, change your clothes etc..) then maybe you need to look for a similar type of girl who is a bit more unconventional. Just dont expect her to parade around in the latest sexy fashions, or look like a model. Not to say that unconventional girls aren't pretty, but the ones I know who fit that mold dont give a crap about fashion or "girly" things.

 

Either way you have two choices: change and become someone you dont want to become, or remain the way you are and maybe wait a bit longer to find the right girl for you. Honestly though, I dont think how you look is as big a deal as you make it. I see really pretty girls with downright unattractive and sloppy looking men all the time. To put it bluntly, you try to hard. I'm not trying to be condescending either, I've been guilty of it, and still am at times, and so has most of the population. When you are truly comfortable in your own skin, and with who you are as a person, that's when the women will flock to you.

[galaxy71]

Just be yourself. Dont focus on what women may want. Women want different things in a man. Also, if you fancy yourself a bit of a non-conformist (that's the impression I got when you said you didn't want to cut your hair, change your clothes etc..) then maybe you need to look for a similar type of girl who is a bit more unconventional. Just dont expect her to parade around in the latest sexy fashions, or look like a model. Not to say that unconventional girls aren't pretty, but the ones I know who fit that mold dont give a crap about fashion or "girly" things.

And when we don't focus on what women want, we get ignored by women. When we don't focus on what woman want, some of us get phone numbers from women who are hoping that we don't call them. And when we don't focus on what women want, women excuse themselves out of the conversation when we try to talk to them. A lot of us get no results doing the same thing over and over. Being yourself might work for guys who are already charming or sterotypically attractive, but it might not work for the average guys out there. It's like if a guy is struggling at school, would you tell him to just be yourself and not worry if he isn't getting the grades he wants. I also don't understand. Why can't average guys have some options in who we date. Why should we be stuck dating unconventional women? Why can't we pick and choose women who are conventional and unconventional?

 

Either way you have two choices: change and become someone you dont want to become, or remain the way you are and maybe wait a bit longer to find the right girl for you. Honestly though, I dont think how you look is as big a deal as you make it. I see really pretty girls with downright unattractive and sloppy looking men all the time. To put it bluntly, you try to hard. I'm not trying to be condescending either, I've been guilty of it, and still am at times, and so has most of the population. When you are truly comfortable in your own skin, and with who you are as a person, that's when the women will flock to you.

There's a third choice: improving yourself without compromising who you already are. I don't think that I am becoming a phony when I wear nice clothes that I think would look good on me or if I join some group based on a interest I have. I also don't think that I am being fake and phony by becoming a better listener. Sure there are plenty of unattractive guys with attractive women. Unforunately, those guys are not me. It's real easy to tell guys to not try too hard. The reason why guys try "too hard" is that women expect guys to approach them. A lot of guys don't get any results by being themselves and being patient. Why are you telling them to do the same thing over and over again if it is not getting them the results you want? It sounds good that you should be patient as you wait for some woman to like you for who you already are. But what happens when women who share a lot in common with you are rejecting you. Both gorgeous women and average-looking women want to date guys that they are attracted to. There are plenty of good guys who go years or decades or forever waiting to find a girlfriend because the women in their area are simply not into them. I know this shy, older guy in his fifties who became bitter toward women because women didn't seem to want to be around him. I really don't understand doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

[johnnyp]

just be strong and confident and with integrity.

and this kind of woman will follow you.Brad

 

I couldn't agree more.....I know many guys that are slick, smooth-talking players and the only kind of woman they attract is the female equivalent of themselves only interested in one-night stands and getting what they can from someone. I carry myself with equal confidence as them but with a more open heart and caring nature and I attract equally healthy women.

 

Listen to Brad, he knows what he's talking about.

[randomgirl59]

Brad: thanks! be well to you to

 

Galaxy: I had typed a lengthy reply then lost it because ENA logged me out > but I'll sum it up,

 

No there is absolutely nothing wrong with self improvement, as long as you're doing it for yourself and not others. That's why it's called SELF improvement. OP feels strongly about not cutting his hair or changing his clothes, and why should he? Just to potentially attract woman who cant look past that?

 

Regardless of what your dating status is, what you're doing in life, etc, you need to do what makes you happy. You will never be everything to everyone. Change for yourself, not for others. OP's issues are with his confidence, not his looks. Women (and I suspect men too) want someone who is not only confident and has integrity like Brad said, but also has a strong sense of self. Work on that first and then you attract more women and people in general.

 

And also, you aren't confined to unconventional women. Chances are if you want to date a supermodel or a girl who is considered attractive to the masses, then yes you have to change yourself. Work out, change your clothes, hair, have the right interests etc. But again, that's changing for someone else, not yourself. Even so, like I mentioned in my previous post, I see gorgeous women with average guys all quite often so I suspect they are just happy and confident with themselves which gets them the girl in the first place. Strangely enough I dont see it the other way around, but I'll be damned if I try to change myself just to land a hot guy.

 

I dont have solution to your problem or OP's, and to be honest I dont think there is one true solution either, or any easy answers. All I'm trying to say is that there is no point in being unhappy and constantly trying to figure out how to land a girl because that clearly isn't doing you guys any good. I do know, however, that people who are happy with themselves and confident have better social lives and relationships, so you might as well focus on making yourself happy and confident rather than worrying about how to attract girls all the time...

[fabact]

For sure nice guys to settle down with. Just be you. Bad boys bc the girls dont love and value themselves enough. Dont seek validation from outside you will set urself up for rejection. Confidence but not arrogant. You must have empathy or you will go from girl to girl as ‘that guy’.

[Capricorn3]

Thread eight years old. Closed.