Why settle when there's plenty of fish?

[Keraron]

"Why commit to a person now if it is possible that I will find a better person...? The world is plenty of fish, and just because I am in love with someone today doesn't necessarily mean he/she is the right person. Actually, by committing to someone now, I may loose other opportunities..."

 

These are just some of the reasons that can lead a person to believe that polyamory or serial monogamy (both cases a justification for having more than one love in one's life) are the right way to live a happy love-life.

 

And these are also some of the reasons that will make a person less prone to put effort if there are difficulties in an existing relationship. In a certain sense, I can understand these reasons and I think they make sense perfectly, but I still somehow believe in the ideal of working on a relationship, improving what exists already and appreciating what lasts longer despite all the hardship and problems.

 

I am on the brink of deciding whether to pursue eternal monogamy or convert to a lifestyle of serial monogamy, and that's why I'd like to hear more reasons for and against both.

[DropToZero]

You're never going to find someone "better" unless that person you're focusing on has a bad heart and intentions overall...

 

The only thing you can work on... is yourself. This phrase about "fish" is so people understand it's not the end of the world when one person doesn't like them... I don't see it being used to find a "better" person every time you find something you don't like about another... or you will be unhappy in every relationship looking for perfection in people that isn't there.

 

In another quote I've heard... "It isn't about finding the right person, it's about being the right person."

[halo]

You commit to a person because you feel there is no one else better. Sure, somewhere out there may be someone "better" in reality, but if you really feel that way, you aren't truly in love with your significant other. Being truly in love with them would mean you want no one else, and are willing to accept their downsides.

[Keraron]

This phrase about "fish" is so people understand it's not the end of the world when one person doesn't like them... I don't see it being used to find a "better" person every time you find something you don't like about another... or you will be unhappy in every relationship looking for perfection in people that isn't there.

 

But the phrase does remind us that, if a relationship breaks down, we always have other options out there, that if there are serious problems in one relationship, it isn't such a big deal because there's "your next date right around the corner" (I am quoting some relationship gurus I have recently heard from).

 

I also think that for some people the perception of having many options may be stronger than for others, either because they are more successful at finding partners or are more attractive. I generally feel that such people have a greater incentive to "surf" through relationships one after another, and are more prone to experiment, try everyone, before finding the right one and settling.

[Keraron]

You commit to a person because you feel there is no one else better. Sure, somewhere out there may be someone "better" in reality, but if you really feel that way, you aren't truly in love with your significant other. Being truly in love with them would mean you want no one else, and are willing to accept their downsides.

 

I think many people who behave this way (especially serial monogamy), bear in mind the logic instead of merely their feelings. I think it is a bit calculated and rational.

 

I recently heard of a girl (who was a friend's girlfriend for a brief time) who discussed with her best friend (who was another friend's girlfriend for a much longer time) about how she moves through relationships: she dates a boy and is in a relationship with him for either 1 month, 3 months or 5 months (she decides this in advance, and tells only her female friends), after which she breaks up with him for no reason but to move on and find a new boyfriend.

[rosephase]

"Why commit to a person now if it is possible that I will find a better person...? The world is plenty of fish, and just because I am in love with someone today doesn't necessarily mean he/she is the right person. Actually, by committing to someone now, I may loose other opportunities..."

 

These are just some of the reasons that can lead a person to believe that polyamory or serial monogamy (both cases a justification for having more than one love in one's life) are the right way to live a happy love-life.

 

 

Um... I'm polyamorous. And I really don't think that way of thinking gets people into polyamory. Serial monogamy? Sure.

 

For me it is more like "Just because I love one person deeply doesn't mean I can't love others deeply as well. I want to live in a lifestyle that allows me to have deep committed relationships while being open to new people in what ever way they might fit into my life"

 

I am completely committed to my two partners. I am also open to finding more people to be a part of my life, and I am open to my partners having new people be a part of there lives.

 

For me polyamory isn't about lack of commitment, it is about giant amount of it. I this relationship I am saying that I am willing to face all of my insecurities about someone I love loving and having sex with someone else. I am willing to do some of the hardest work I have ever done in my life so that we all can be together and free. I commit to that. I promise my partners that.

[halo]

I think many people who behave this way (especially serial monogamy), bear in mind the logic instead of merely their feelings. I think it is a bit calculated and rational.

 

The reality is rational. But myself and partner both are happier being monogamous. Logic can't really explain my undesirable feelings to be with someone else.

[In the Dark]

If you have that mind set you will never settle down.

 

From what I'm gasthering you feel that the grass will always be greener somewhere else.

 

I'm certain that is true.

 

At the end of the day yo justr have to find someone who you are sure you will be happy with for the rest of your life.

 

If "rest of your life" is such a daunting thought you are not going to find that special someone and most probably lose them in the process of going from one person to another.

 

To me serial mongamy is dumping someone if another seems better na dif that someone is not better then you dump that person and go to the next or hope the last person you dumped wants you back.

But there is always that chance you will not get that person back and there you are regreting that choice.

 

Serial monogamy to me is cheating without the guilt.

 

With the someone, while keeping your options open quietly and when someone who appears to be a better upgrade comes along all of a sudden turn cold and dump the person for the new model.

[bruinsy81]

Not everyone has ''plenty of fish '' to choose from which is why there are likely so many people in unhappy relationships.Those who are shy or socially anxious don't have ''plenty of fish'' as options even if they happen to be attractive.

[waveseer]

Settling is a myth, just like friend zones and leagues. People choose who to be and stay with, period. If you can't be nice to the one you're with, leave.

[In the Dark]

Settling is a myth?

What do you mean?

 

Settling for for someone you are not happy with I guess?

[waveseer]

People make choices who to be with every day. If I am unhappy then it is certainly not because my partner doesn't measure up in some way, it is because I have not fully accepted my own wants and needs and cultivated the ability to communicate them effectively.

[In the Dark]

Yeah people make choices, but people do stick to choices and don't change that thought everyday.

 

If you're all over the place them most likely other things are going to be allover the place.

 

But as you have said it's not your partner so the weight should never be shifted on to the paartner and yelled at or blamed for your unhappiness in some irrational way.

 

It takes time to communicate with someone freely.

Sometimes being damaged from previous relationships does this.

Holding back on who you are.

Scared the serious things you say will be scoffed at hurting your feelings then forming a little resent towards them.

 

I guess we have to remember the new person is not the old person and the treatment you may have had from the last or previous is not from the one you are with now.

[MD Geist]

In some places there is plenty of fish to choose from but in my city you don't.

 

Its ether go hit on someone elses girl or take care of someone elses child.

 

Thats really your only choices.

[Bismark776]

Here is why I believe: Imagine we could somehow scientifically quantify compatability and there was a giant database of everyone on earth. That means theres something like three billion potential matches and only one is the "most compatible" of them all and you aren't necessarily that person's "most compatible" perso either. Even if we assume that you are both the top person on eachother's list, however, what do you think the odds are that you will ever meet that person, let alone be in the same room or even same city at the same time. If your objective in dating is to meet the person who you are most compatible with then statistically speaking you better be prepared to fail. Additionally, if you are in a relationship but you are questioning whether there is someone out there who is "more compatible" than the person you are with, well the answer is almost certainly yes. In fact, there are probably many such people.

 

Now all of this might lead you to believe that I don't believe in monogamy, that I cheat, or that I can't maintain a serious relationship for any real length of time. It might make you think that I am not a loving/affectionate/caring/attentive/etc. boyfriend. You'd be wrong. Basically what I get from that whole concept is that you CAN'T obsesse yourself with finding the most compatible person out there. You can't obessese yourself with the person who will bring you the absolute maximum amount of happiness. You have to instead focus on finding someone who makes you happy and who you can make happy yourself. Thats all that counts. When you find that person you should hold on to them and not constantly be on the lookout for something that might be better because even though its out there you more than likely will spend your whole life looking for it and never find it and you'll be a lot happier with one person who makes you happy than an eternal search that leaves you alone forever.

[WomanWriter]

I don't think someone should commit to a "relationship" (as opposed to just going on dates) unless they are in love with the person. To make a commitment to someone you don't think is the "one" seems pointless to me. I would assume if you decide to "go steady," that marriage and a future are definite possibilities. That is why it hurts so badly that my ex is "in a relationship" with someone else now. I see that status as being serious enough to consider forsaking all others, unless something happens like cheating, etc.,

[ThatGirl1986]

Where the hell are these fish and why aren't they coming my way?

[HeartGoesOn]

Yes, there are plenty of fish, but some of them just don't bite...

[WomanWriter]

Hehe...yeah, and what if you don't eat sea food (I don't)? Are you screwed?

[rocio]

A life with someone is something you create, and you take pride in it because it's yours.

[In the Dark]

Yes, there are plenty of fish, but some of them just don't bite...

 

Thats because some peoples bait stinks!

[Kinetics]

If you are strictly talking about dating, then sure why not? It's only when you decide to go exclusive with someone you should probably think about it more carefully.

 

I personally don't think it's actually even about compatibility. It's why you like her/him as a person, both good and bad things. And the other person must also like you for both the good and bad things. If there is no balance between the two, something is going to break that relationship.

 

People around me who got married claim they found the "right person" and it's not like they were the "perfect match" = "compatible" because they had similar hobbies or interests. It's when both accept each other for who they are.

 

That's when I realized that this compatibility thing goes right out the window, especially from a statistical point of view which someone already mentioned.

[Bartok]

This thread reminds me of this short lecture:

 

link removed

[psychoanalytical]

The answer to your question is fairly simple.

 

The question should really be phrased, "What do you want from a relationship?"

 

More specifically, do you want someone better (and how do you define better?) or do you see relationships as a means to an end (which means? Which end?).

 

Do you agree that if there are more fish in the sea, then the energy you spend fishing may be potentially more efficiently used doing something more contributive to your overall well being? Or do you just enjoy fishing? Or maybe you're just bored and you fish because everyone else seems to?

 

So the question you should ask yourself, beyond these, should be, "Who are you?", and "Does god exist?"

[Nixee]

If you've 'landed' the right fish, it never feels like 'settling'