Why women do NOT want to ask out men?

[agatha]

you're 30 and you've NEVER asked a woman out?

 

I second that

 

I'm 22 and last week I asked 2 guys out and got asked by two others. Turns out one has good potential, and guess what - it was one I had asked out.

 

you know what the problem really is? fear of rejection. women are less trained to hear 'sorry, you're too ugly for me' than men. and when your fear of rejection is higher than your desire for relationship happiness - even if that means managing conflicts and all-, then you get 30 year old unhappy singles saying that the rules of the game are not fair.

 

lemme tell ya the single real rule of the game: there are NO rules.

[Batya33]

I second that

 

I'm 22 and last week I asked 2 guys out and got asked by two others. Turns out one has good potential, and guess what - it was one I had asked out.

 

you know what the problem really is? fear of rejection. women are less trained to hear 'sorry, you're too ugly for me' than men. and when your fear of rejection is higher than your desire for relationship happiness - even if that means managing conflicts and all-, then you get 30 year old unhappy singles saying that the rules of the game are not fair.

 

lemme tell ya the single real rule of the game: there are NO rules.

 

Nope- I was rejected many times - both when I asked men out and when they weren't interested in asking me out or asking me out again - what stopped me was that it was ineffective. I was very proactive in every aspect of my dating life and relationships - no passivity here - but I let the man do the asking so as not to upset the dynamics of the early dating phase (to borrow that right on the money term - dynamics - from a previous poster).

 

In my experience there were rules and guidelines and my dating/relationships worked best when I stuck to them.

 

That's great that you met someone with potential - I never doubt that you can ask someone out who has potential - I just know of no long term relationships where the woman did more of the asking than the man in the early stages of dating especially (except one that was a story in a major newspaper a few years ago). It's pretty easy to date someone for a week- that's not an example of your approach being effective. Also I wonder if things have changed for people your age (according to the people I know in their early 20s, no, but I don't know that many to form any opinions or conclusions). Good luck with the new guy!

[sophie274]

I just know of no long term relationships where the woman did more of the asking than the man in the early stages of dating especially (except one that was a story in a major newspaper a few years ago).

 

I know that I asked my ex-boyfriend out, and we dated for 3.5 years. I wouldn't say I did most of the asking/pursuing: it was very clear to me that he liked me, tried to engineer social situations where he would be with me, was very attentive, and I thought that he wanted to ask me on a date, but I thought it would take him a while to get up the nerve and I didn't want to wait.

 

I don't disagree with what you said Batya, but I think that asking a man out doesn't necessarily equate with doing most of the asking. It can just be a way to get things going if the man is shy.

[Seraphim]

That is the thing. Would that work past the intitial stage? I don't know. I never really "dated". I was asked out many times before I was married, but I would go out a few times if I was interested or not if I was not interested. I was not really "looking" for anyone. I had already found my husband when I was 22 years old. I never went on a date until I was 19. I had people who asked and guys who were friends, but I was not looking for a relationship. So, the whole dating thing is kind of foreign to me anyway. Generationally speaking asking men out was not something many girls of my generation did.

[mad rabbits]

And I have come to this conclusion: "A woman that looks able to do everything will end up doing everything"

 

Very true Quirky!

 

If you pursue a guy and get into a relationship with him and it goes south, he can always say, "well, this was all your idea...what are you upset about?"

 

I've seen that happen...

[bulletproof]

Men generally do the asking because they are biologically hardwired to chase. People hate that answer, but sorry, because that's how it goes. Add years of socializing stemming from that biology and this is what you get.

 

The woman's job is to make it obvious that the interest is there on her end, the man's job is to then pursue.

 

There is an easy way to avoid all of this, though- create a life where friendships and romantic relationships evolve naturally and not this constant cold approaching and asking someone out you've been to lunch with all of two times. It likely varies depending on where you are, but for the past few years the bulk of my relationships have not started with formal "dates" where one person had to ask someone out. They evolved after seeing the person within groups of people, attending events and parties where the same people socialize, so that a foundation of knowing one another is formed. You would also do better to develop interests that can be shared with others, because that's a healthy and much more comfortable and natural way to get to know people.

 

And honestly, I agree with those who say what's the point of this question, really? You still probably have to do the asking the majority of the time, if you continue to go with cold or lukewarm approaches. Doesn't matter how you think life should be, what matters is what is and how you intend to make it work to your advantage.

[lady00]

There is an easy way to avoid all of this, though- create a life where friendships and romantic relationships evolve naturally and not this constant cold approaching and asking someone out you've been to lunch with all of two times. It likely varies depending on where you are, but for the past few years the bulk of my relationships have not started with formal "dates" where one person had to ask someone out. They evolved after seeing the person within groups of people, attending events and parties where the same people socialize, so that a foundation of knowing one another is formed. You would also do better to develop interests that can be shared with others, because that's a healthy and much more comfortable and natural way to get to know people.

 

That's how it was for me in college, to an extent. I think college is an environment that is very conducive to that. But things changed a lot after graduation.

[GernBlanston]

Nope- I was rejected many times - both when I asked men out and when they weren't interested in asking me out or asking me out again - what stopped me was that it was ineffective.

How many times were you rejected when you asked men out, approximately? I think it's important to establish a number, for comparison purposes with the number of women a typical man has been rejected by.

[Allyo]

I have asked men out, but only if I am fairly sure they are interested. It is the fear of rejection on top of the fact that many women (I included) have heard over and over again that men want to chase you or they will loose interest, etc. Is it a bit sexist? Yes. A bit unfair? Yes.

 

The truth is a man chasing me is somewhat of a turn-off... all the flattery, messaging, etc... it just seems so fake to me. If I want a man enough I will make the first move, but that is different than chasing... I will not chase a man who doesn't reciprocate!

[grymoire]

Back when I was in college I had zero knowledge about Dating and really did not know how to go about things. It is very difficult when you come from a country where the Dating system does not exist. So even though many many women were interested in me I had no clue what I was supposed to do. The environment was ideal - friendships could be formed, parties and socializing and stuff but unfortunately I did not know what I was supposed to do. Wish ENA existed at that time.

 

Right now I have learnt about Dating and have asked out some women. Only 1 said yes and we had 1 date. I am not sure what type of activities will put me in a situation where I can meet the same group of people again and again and take things from there. At 34 I can count the number of friends I have with one hand. I feel a bit lost and have so much regret about missed opportunities in college.

[Seraphim]

The bolded part is very important. How about get to know someone before asking them out. Not asking them out to get to know them. You probably have a far less chance of being rejected. If you get to know someone in a social situation for a decent period of time and learn what they are about you would know if you want to date them. It is more risky to ask them out for a date when you know very little about them and the chance they are going to say no is probably pretty high.

[grymoire]

I have asked men out, but only if I am fairly sure they are interested. It is the fear of rejection on top of the fact that many women (I included) have heard over and over again that men want to chase you or they will loose interest, etc. Is it a bit sexist? Yes. A bit unfair? Yes.

 

The truth is a man chasing me is somewhat of a turn-off... all the flattery, messaging, etc... it just seems so fake to me. If I want a man enough I will make the first move, but that is different than chasing... I will not chase a man who doesn't reciprocate!

 

I was socialized and raised to think that chasing a girl is a cheap thing to do.

[Seraphim]

I was socialized and raised to think that chasing a girl is a cheap thing to do.

 

There is showing the proper amount of interest.

[agatha]

well, perhaps the generational gap really has a thing to do with it - the guy with potential is actually even younger than me, and the potential I see is that though I made the first move towards dating, he has followed thoroughly - so it's definitely not one sided (which is the most panicking situation you can be in when you were the first to ask X p). and I never said I did MOST of the asking. I love balance, so I can ask once, I might even ask twice, but if he won't ask thrice I'll just next him.

 

and I must say that to me the rules never worked. I failed epicly over and over while sticking to them. I think it really depends on who you are, and how your logic works - it's hard to expect everyone to answer equally to the same stimuli, when people are so different from each other...

 

either way, thx for wishing me luck = ) I really hope this one works out!

[annie24]

How many times were you rejected when you asked men out, approximately? I think it's important to establish a number, for comparison purposes with the number of women a typical man has been rejected by.

 

for me, it depends on what you classify as 'reject.' almost all of the guys i asked out for the first time said yes. However, none of them resulted in them asking me out on a second date, or them showing more interest in me. thus, i would classify it as 100% rejection.

 

i think, that because men tend to be the ones to ask women out and it's not as common for a woman to ask a man out, then a lot of guys might just say yes to be polite, because they don't want to say no and hurt my feelings, or they are just giving things a shot. It's also been my experience that a lot of guys (well, people in general!) don't enjoy hurting someone else's feelings, and I've typically had guys say yes to the date, but i never hear from them again. i think they say yes because it's a novelty, and they're afraid to say no.

[bulletproof]

I'm not in college. The reason my life has evolved this way is because I have done a ton of work to make genuine friendships and cultivate interests that lead me to like-minded people. I'm not saying it's easy, but if you feel your social life is suffering, then it's probably a good idea to address that and the dating will fall into place when you do. Lamenting missed opportunities in college is pointless. It's not the only place to have real connections develop.

[GernBlanston]

for me, it depends on what you classify as 'reject.' almost all of the guys i asked out for the first time said yes. However, none of them resulted in them asking me out on a second date, or them showing more interest in me. thus, i would classify it as 100% rejection.

Have you ever turned down a second date with a man? Is that the same kind of rejection as turning him down in the first place? How many times have you asked a man out?

[grymoire]

I'm not in college. The reason my life has evolved this way is because I have done a ton of work to make genuine friendships and cultivate interests that lead me to like-minded people. I'm not saying it's easy, but if you feel your social life is suffering, then it's probably a good idea to address that and the dating will fall into place when you do. Lamenting missed opportunities in college is pointless. It's not the only place to have real connections develop.

 

Can you share with me what type of activities you are involved in now?

[grymoire]

But are you sure that the reason there was no second date was due to the fact that you asked out? Do you think the same thing would happen with a guy that really likes you?

[annie24]

But are you sure that the reason there was no second date was due to the fact that you asked out? Do you think the same thing would happen with a guy that really likes you?

 

I don't think that the reason there was no second date was becuase i asked them out. i think it's because they had little or no interest in me in the first place!

[grymoire]

I don't think that the reason there was no second date was becuase i asked them out. i think it's because they had little or no interest in me in the first place!

 

well then that answers lot of questions....

[annie24]

Have you ever turned down a second date with a man? Is that the same kind of rejection as turning him down in the first place? How many times have you asked a man out?

 

have i ever turned down a second date with a man? yes. in general, i do give 2-3 chances though. is it the same kind of rejection? well, depends... sometimes i learned information about a guy on a first date that made me not want a second date. other times, i wasn't that interested in the guy, but was willing to give him a chance to stand out to me.

 

how many times have i asked out men? at least 12 different men. probably more.

[browneyedgirl36]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I thought I'd throw in my thoughts.

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but my top two reasons for not asking men out:

 

1) I was raised in a time when women asking men out was not really considered the *thing* to do; I was raised/conditioned to believe that men ask women out, not the other way around, and that women who ask men out are "chasing" men. (I am 39, BTW.)

 

2) Most importantly, I have a paralyzing fear of rejection. I was bullied a lot as a kid, had a lot of self-image issues as a result, and that has led to me being a not-very-aggressive woman. I am very passive when it comes to meeting men, and asking one out would be terrifying to me.

 

That said, I have sort of asked a guy out before, when I was in my 20's, and it didn't go well. I say "sort of" because we were friends, and I wanted more, but he didn't, and when he said he had other plans (not sure if he did or if he was making it up) it crushed me -- I had to muster up so much courage to even ask, and then he said no.

 

I guess I really, really want to know a guy is interested in me, too. I want to know it isn't a one-sided interest, and the best way for me to know that is for him to ask me out. I know, I know...not fair to the men, who are probably thinking the same thing, but it's just how I feel.

[Rickster]

I have to agree with every word Lucius has contributed to this thread. To suggest that men should do all the 'chasing' is simply suggesting a double standard. We are not living in the 60's anymore - this is the modern era where men and women are equal. This thread is very much like the other thread regarding men paying for dates. If ever I had a chance to choose a woman, I would choose a woman who is able to display themselves as financially independent and one whom isn't afraid to 'chase' if need be. To say that a man 'should' do this and do that only because it has been written in the 'code' dated in the 60's is not a good enough justification.

 

Just my opinion.

[lila...]

I'm one of the ones that believe men should do the chasing, but I've also realized that if you want to have more opportunities with the guys that you do like, you have to take a chance lol. I won't directly ask a guy out, but I'll try to be kind of obvious with the fact that I like him, but then again I'm not very good at this haha.