Why women do NOT want to ask out men?

[Miss Firecracker]

Yes. She's offering her opinion and advice based on her experience. What's your point?

 

I made my point, but you seem to want to pick a fight. Maybe use a little of that aggression to ask a girl out.

[Seraphim]

Yes, I imagine she feels her husband is healthy, reasonable and normal.

 

I think you guys are just nitpicking at the words.

 

Overall most ladies of your generation as it seems on here ask men out. It should not be a big issue then.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think you guys are just nitpicking at the words.

 

Overall most ladies of your generation as it seems on here ask men out. It should not be a big issue then.

 

Must not be as many as they want or they wouldn't be so angry, Vic.

[itsallgrand]

Actually, I would put in that indeed some of this behavior IS hardwired. I mean....look at the natural world. Pretty common for the male to do the chasing, the female to pick and choose her mates based on the existing set of suitors.

 

There's the rub of course. If there is instinct at play...and I can point out this in numerous posts on this site...there is often resentment. We resent our instinctual habits for our sexuality because our intellect fights against nature, and wins many times.

 

I think it's great that some women can ask men out. It shows assertiveness, and a willingness to take what one wants in life rather than wait for it to fall into your lap. Plenty of men struggle with asking women out for the same reasons. IMHO

 

Good post, nice and clear. Though there is lots of room there for grey, exceptions, deviations.

 

A lot of little boys have a natural inclination to fight too. And then, some don't. And there is always that little girl who does...

 

 

 

Can't argue that instinct and biology does play a part though. If I allowed it to call all the shots tho then you know how many babies I'd have by now?! lol. Too many and life would be crap.

 

The instinct card only goes so far. Look at some of the counter productive stuff we people do in the name of instinct.

 

But not trying to argue, I liked your post.

[GernBlanston]

I made my point, but you seem to want to pick a fight. Maybe use a little of that aggression to ask a girl out.

You made your point, and a couple of us showed your point to be unfounded. You seem to be unwilling to admit that you were mistaken.

 

I may be awkward and creepy with respect to asking girls out, but I'm pretty sure aggression is even more inappropriate.

[Seraphim]

How can you disprove someone's opinion? Are we talking about an exact science here?

[Miss Firecracker]

Well, you guys, sorry but even if some women advise others not to ask men out...it's their right to do so. Not much you can do about that, is there? Are you the advice police on this forum now? I don't think so.

 

Sorry if I missed a comment or two. I don't take the time to read every single word on a thread.

[Seraphim]

When people give advice it is from their own perspective and experience. We are not YOU and do not have your experience so that is impossible. The other thing about advice is it or leave it. We are assuming people have the sense to know what will work for them and what wont.

[ProtestTheHero]

I've asked women out plenty of times. I hate doing it, though. I'm not shy, I'm not awkward, and I'm not creepy, but I can't stand putting myself in a position where I am so obviously giving someone else my affection or indicating my interest and then watching as they take it and treat it as if it were nothing and worth nothing. Rejection isn't really the "bad" part. I'm not good-looking enough? Fine. I can handle that. We don't mesh? Even easier. But so many people here advocate "Oh, let's put ourselves in environments with like-minded people who enjoy similar activities that can get to know us and then like us on a deeper level than cold approaching or clubs facilitate." I would much rather have a girl in the club tell me to screw off you ugly **** than listen to a girl who has grown to know me and I've grown to care about treat it as nothing.

 

All of you guys who hate rejection need to learn to love cold approaches. Being rejected by a stranger doesn't hurt at all. I promise you, you will feel nothing. Get rejected by a girl you've known for a while, and it's much different. There's no point in lamenting the status quo. It will take forever to change. Getting asked out is so much easier than doing the asking on one's ego, and no one who enjoys that position will surrender it easily. Just do cold approaches and it becomes easy as hell to deal with it, but I would not advocate all of this "Get to know her and then let it happen" stuff, because that's when you wind up in semi-friend zones and you get freaking crushed.

[GernBlanston]

Well, you guys, sorry but even if some women advise others not to ask men out...it's their right to do so. Not much you can do about that, is there? Are you the advice police on this forum now? I don't think so.

 

Aha! Here, I think we do agree. I didn't bring up the advice point until after Victoria66 said this:

So you can not tell another generation to work the same way yours would. Most of young women here DO ask men out. The people of my generation are just saying how it works for US.

 

and I responded:

Note that there are women of your generation on eNA (and even in this thread) that are giving younger women advice. Advice that says - don't ask men out because it doesn't work.

 

Does your statement only refer to the younger generation not being allowed to give the older generation advice, then? It doesn't work the other way around?

 

There isn't an advice police, but Victoria66 was appointing herself as such by saying, "You can not tell another generation...". I was pointing out the one-sidedness of her comment. You, then, went on to claim that nobody's offered any advice about asking men out:

I haven't seen one person tell another NOT to do anything.

That's simply ridiculous. But, you didn't read the whole thread, after all.

[Batya33]

My advice about shared activities was so that it would feel more natural to talk to men and women and not have to do a so-called "approach" - sure it probably is more disappointing to be rejected after getting to know someone, but cold approaches have their downsides too (waste of time, waste of effort in dating someone based on how cute they looked while dancing the night before). I especially advise women to get to know men as friends so that in general they don't feel like men are some strange aliens who they have to "approach" - they're just people they happen to know and happen to be like spending time with.

[Seraphim]

Aha! Here, I think we do agree. I didn't bring up the advice point until after Victoria66 said this:

 

 

and I responded:

 

 

There isn't an advice police, but Victoria66 was appointing herself as such by saying, "You can not tell another generation...". I was pointing out the one-sidedness of her comment.

 

No, I am not. But many here were calling the way many of my generation thinks as " relic behavoir and we should give up being "damsals in distress" and throw out traditions.

 

I do not really care either way as I am not dating and have not in years. I was only offering an idea as to why some women do not ask men out.

[Batya33]

The lady is also married so she can not think all men are bad. I am sure she does not think all men are bad.

 

That is true and has been true forever - whether I was single or married. In fact, I've had mostly positive experiences in dating and in relationships with men as well as long lasting friendships and fun acquaintances.

[Odysseus]

Good post, nice and clear. Though there is lots of room there for grey, exceptions, deviations.

 

A lot of little boys have a natural inclination to fight too. And then, some don't. And there is always that little girl who does...

 

 

 

Can't argue that instinct and biology does play a part though. If I allowed it to call all the shots tho then you know how many babies I'd have by now?! lol. Too many and life would be crap.

 

The instinct card only goes so far. Look at some of the counter productive stuff we people do in the name of instinct.

 

But not trying to argue, I liked your post.

 

You are right on. The "instinct" card gets ALL of us in trouble from time to time. It's also one of our most important human characteristics. It's survival mode...it's a mother's protection of her children...it's superficial attraction as well as deep coupling for the sake of having kids.

 

Acceptance of some of these building blocks of humanity give insight into what some of our basic needs are, and how we can rise above them to become something more than just animals.

 

Will Shakespeare..."What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how

infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and

admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like

a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals"

 

My gosh...I think I just got existential there for a moment!

 

Peace.

[ProtestTheHero]

My advice about shared activities was so that it would feel more natural to talk to men and women and not have to do a so-called "approach" - sure it probably is more disappointing to be rejected after getting to know someone, but cold approaches have their downsides too (waste of time, waste of effort in dating someone based on how cute they looked while dancing the night before). I especially advise women to get to know men as friends so that in general they don't feel like men are some strange aliens who they have to "approach" - they're just people they happen to know and happen to be like spending time with.

 

I think it can be an effective way of doing things with certain personalities. I would suggest that any guy who is super shy around women to the point where he kind of locks up join a club or social group centered around one of his interests, because then if he meets a girl with similar hobbies then they at least have SOMETHING to talk about.

 

I also think it's a fine way for women to weed out guys who go into "predator" mode in clubs, circling around and looking for a woman to just have sex with. You're less likely to meet guys like that in groups focused on activities.

 

But I would never encourage a confident, competent male to get to know a woman as a friend before asking her out. First impressions are important, and if you approach her as a friend she will think of you as a friend and it becomes much more difficult to progress from there.

 

I encourage every confident, competent male to use cold approaches, especially if they aren't too thrilled with the idea of rejection. Cold approaches and group meetings that result in dates are equally likely to end up being a waste of time and effort. Going out with someone because they're cute doesn't necessarily mean they'll mesh, but going out with someone you met with shared political interest or hobbies doesn't necessarily mean you'll mesh either.

 

I just feel that for most guys, it becomes a numbers game...and it's a lot easier to avoid becoming jaded if your ego is being stabbed by strangers instead of friends.

[Rickster]

It's not about the fear of rejection. It is about the effort to ask them out. Frankly, if a man can and will ask a woman out, I don't see why a woman can't.

[Regeta]

I used to often be the one to make the first step. But it just never worked ok. Never. They don't feel the need to pursue you, provide e.t.c, the dynamics get all messed up. And I have come to this conclusion: "A woman that looks able to do everything will end up doing everything"

 

Change that to "a man that looks able..." and that quote is my exact reply.

I don't make the first step anymore, because I did for a long time.

In my experience, when a girl is interested in me enough to say yes or I begin to date them, taking one step forward means the girl takes two step backwards- mostly at the very start. I can begin "Hi!" and the girl can reply "You're really cute!" but once I say "Thx! You are too." they've already taken two steps back. I would imagine maybe I secretly have no teeth and fail to realize it, but that can't be true because I just spent like 2 years and $8000 to make them perfect, lol. MY WALLET!!!!! :splat:

 

Which means I'm only left with two options, stop stepping forward or pursue, and I've tried both.

If I pursue, it's the same formula. One step forward, two step backwards.

If I stop, slow down, step back, then nothing happens. At MOST they might say hi for 2 minutes, 2 sentence, through an email or txt or 5 minutes if they see me in person- once every 2 weeks and then off to do whatever is more important. And that's at most.

LoL... if I try baby-steps forward, they take two baby-steps backwards.

I've tried reverse psychology too.

If I take two backwards, they take two backwards too, and I'm four steps behind!

 

I get more reluctant every year to even admit to a girl she is attractive, let alone I'm interested. Even if girls respond warmly to my compliments and they often flirt with me or compliment my appearance, I still get the feeling that anytime I say even a small compliment "Nice dress!" the response will be "Get away from me freak! pepperspray!!!" in some form or level. It's never like that, but it certainly feels that way even when they say "Im sorry, I'm just not over my ex. I thought I was but blah blah blah..." or "The number you have reached is temporarily out of service. Please hang up and try your call again." Boy I get that one robotic girl's number a lot. LOL, jk about the last one!

Anyways, the past 3 months I've been trying the "Let the girl come to you." thing, and the only girls that ask me out are the same ones who have came to me the last 4 years- psychos with abusive pasts who just need to use me to get over their ex who always returns into the picture. Or girls that are insanely flirtatious and getting in their dating schedule is like trying to get an appointment to see the President. "Okay, I can schedule you in 15 minutes before my date with Adam, and right after my date with Steve and speed date with Ryan." No Thx! I want to feel special, not like I don't matter.

 

What's weird, is some girls will hint so strongly that they basically DO ask you "Want to go out?" but they will never say it directly. They will hint and hint and not shut up about it for 10 minutes, and then when you ask "Are you asking me to a date?" they'll reply with silly things like "I like dates." or "Only if you ask me." and once I ask, I give them my number right there and those types discard it and reply "No. You ask me for my number." and I have to ask them and I have to do everything myself- even though THEY were the ones who were actually asking. Those types frustrate me to no end.

[Odysseus]

It's not about the fear of rejection. It is about the effort to ask them out. Frankly, if a man can and will ask a woman out, I don't see why a woman can't.

 

The point which people ask someone out is the crux. So many of our insecurities are perceived to be tied up in that moment. Acceptance, rejection, the future the, the past. The drama can be emotional turmoil for a lot of people....to the point of inaction in many cases.

 

Men and women just need to cut loose and take a chance...if you are attracted to someone, ask them out. Life is short. What are we waiting for?

 

-O

[StrawberryYogurt]

I encourage every confident, competent male to use cold approaches, especially if they aren't too thrilled with the idea of rejection. Cold approaches and group meetings that result in dates are equally likely to end up being a waste of time and effort. Going out with someone because they're cute doesn't necessarily mean they'll mesh, but going out with someone you met with shared political interest or hobbies doesn't necessarily mean you'll mesh either.

 

I'm going to have to disagree here. Research indicates the vast majority of people meet their SO's through work, friends, school, acquaintances, family, or group activities. Very few meet as a result of cold approaches.

 

As for original topic, simple: Women don't ask men out because generally they do not have to since men do the asking. If suddenly men stopped asking, I would bet women would step up and do the asking a lot more often.

[Regeta]

This.

 

This is like Poetry spoken directly from the fountain of truth and wisdom.

 

 

Evil Poetry, since it's about how crappy rejection is, and how much it would be easier to handle a blunt "GET AWAY FROM ME FREAK! pepperspray!!!!!

 

 

At least I can develop an immunity to pepperspray.

I can't develop an immunity to a broken heart.

[ProtestTheHero]

I'm going to have to disagree here. Research indicates the vast majority of people meet their SO's through work, friends, school, acquaintances, family, or group activities. Very few meet as a result of cold approaches.

 

As for original topic, simple: Women don't ask men out because generally they do not have to since men do the asking. If suddenly men stopped asking, I would bet women would step up and do the asking a lot more often.

 

Very few people employ cold approaches so I'm not surprised.

 

All I know is that right now I am in a position where I got to know a girl through school who semi-poured herself out to me and asked me to do the same, and for the first time in my life I am terrified of asking a woman out, and the only thing that's different here is that I let her get to know me first. That was the mistake I made, and it's doing a number on me in terms of rejection scenarios.

 

See! I'm biased.

[Miss Firecracker]

It's not about the fear of rejection. It is about the effort to ask them out. Frankly, if a man can and will ask a woman out, I don't see why a woman can't.

 

A woman can, but most women don't have to because most men do the asking. So if a man can't do this, he's pretty much at a loss. I never had to ask one man out in my life. I knew how to get them to ask me. And I never flirted with one man to lead him on, only with the ones I was interested in. I wasn't a tease. Don't understand why any woman would do that myself. I do wonder if men take a flip of the hair and a smile as flirting. That's just a girl thing, something they do with their female friends too, just because they are girls and have feminine traits and actions.

[ProtestTheHero]

Well, tons of women DO lead men on, and I think that's where half of the frustration comes in. A girl invited me to go eat with her after talking with her for hours and getting tons of good signals, only to give out her number to a guy in front of me. Am I unreasonable, unhealthy, or abnormal by being confused by this? I don't know. Maybe I am, lol.

[Miss Firecracker]

Well, tons of women DO lead men on, and I think that's where half of the frustration comes in. A girl invited me to go eat with her after talking with her for hours and getting tons of good signals, only to give out her number to a guy in front of me. Am I unreasonable, unhealthy, or abnormal by being confused by this? I don't know. Maybe I am, lol.

 

Was she touching you? That is flirting.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Very few people employ cold approaches so I'm not surprised.

 

All I know is that right now I am in a position where I go to know a girl through school who semi-poured herself out to me and asked me to do the same, and for the first time in my life I am terrified of asking a woman out, and the only thing that's different here is that I let her get to know me first. That was the mistake I made, and it's doing a number on me in terms of rejection scenarios.

 

See! I'm biased.

 

Yeah, I see your conundrum, been there, done that, best of luck to you and your situation. But I still think the percent chances of getting a yes are far higher going the organic way compared to cold approaches. My sucess rate getting a yes to a date request is like 50%. I very much doubt I'd be anywhere near 50% using cold approaches.