Why women do NOT want to ask out men?

[grymoire]

so looks like lot of our behaviors now were shaped by what we were taught when we were young.... i think we should be flexible and adapt to the changes of the world instead of holding on to things taught to us by previous generation.

[bertdru]

its very interesting to know all this because i was socialized to believe that women will think low of men that chase them (dating is prohibited in our country). the guys that did dare were often called names..

 

Yeah man, I don't think women here like to be chased! Funny how the culture varies from country to country!

[Miss Firecracker]

It's just hardwired in men to do the chasing. Some people think things have changed, but for the most part they haven't.

 

A psychiatrist explained to me that a boy with Asperger's will be highly likely to remain single because he will not pursue women. He said that girls with Asperger's are very likely to have a mate because many men will pursue them and bring them out. It is what it is.

[grymoire]

i've asked plenty of men out in the past.

 

.....

been turned down plenty too.

 

you are the brave one EQD

[Seraphim]

so looks like lot of our behaviors now were shaped by what we were taught when we were young.... i think we should be flexible and adapt to the changes of the world instead of holding on to things taught to us by previous generation.

 

If I ever divorced and wanted to date though I would be going out with people of my own generation and they would most likely think like I do.

[BellaDonna]

I don't think this "rule" needs to be followed at all. I have many female friends that are in the dating world and that ask out men all of the time.

 

One thing I've seen is that when a woman is really secure with who she is, and knows what she wants in life- she'll go right after it. That is a proactive approach, rather than waiting around like a damsel in distress for someone to choose to ask her out (and then to hope they are also her type, etc.)

 

The worst a guy can say to her is "no" and then she can move on.

 

My good friend just went on a date this past weekend with a guy who she asked out. He told her he found her confidence to be a turn-on.

[grymoire]

I don't think this "rule" needs to be followed at all. I have many female friends that are in the dating world and that ask out men all of the time.

 

One thing I've seen is that when a woman is really secure with who she is, and knows what she wants in life- she'll go right after it. That is a proactive approach, rather than waiting around like a damsel in distress for someone to choose to ask her out (and then to hope they are also her type, etc.)

 

The worst a guy can say to her is "no" and then she can move on.

 

My good friend just went on a date this past weekend with a guy who she asked out. He told her he found her confidence to be a turn-on.

 

Yep, I totally agree with this.

 

The worst thing that can possibly happen is the guy will say 'no'. Its not the end of the world. And like you said its in a girl's advantage because she pick a guy that is her type.

[Seraphim]

I don't think this "rule" needs to be followed at all. I have many female friends that are in the dating world and that ask out men all of the time.

 

One thing I've seen is that when a woman is really secure with who she is, and knows what she wants in life- she'll go right after it. That is a proactive approach, rather than waiting around like a damsel in distress for someone to choose to ask her out (and then to hope they are her type, etc.).

 

The worst a guy can say to her is "no" and then she can move on.

 

My good friend just went on a date this past weekend with a guy who she asked out. He told her he found her confidence to be a turn-on.

 

I dont think we are a damsal in distress. We were just told it was not decent. You have to look at the time frame. I take my self for example. My mom is in her 60's which is not old in itself BUT she was raised by someone who was born in 1905. My grandmother had my mother at 40. So if my grandmother was alive today she would be 104 years old. Think about the time frame she was raised. She raised my mother, she had a big hand in raising me. She was ULTRA religious. I can tell you she was no damsal in distress she was on her own from 14 till she married at 38. She survived on her own in the world. She was however raised in a different social climate and raised her daughter most definitely the same way and to some extent her granddaughter.

[Siriana]

The worst thing that can possibly happen is the guy will say 'no'. Its not the end of the world.

 

And what's the worst thing that could happen to a guy if he asks a girl out?

[lady00]

I've asked guys out in the past. In fact, there was a period of time in which I was the one doing the asking and no guys were asking me out. None of them were interested. Some went out on a couple "dates" and even with lots of flirting on my part. After a few "dates" with no kissing or hand-holding or anything of the sort, it came out that they were not interested in more than friendships (sometimes I would just ask directly--although I should have figured that out myself because after being given many opportunities none of them made a move). I don't ask guys out any more because every guy that I have asked out has not been interested in dating, just friendship. More power to the women who get even so much as mixed results from asking guys out. I think they should continue asking guys out because for them it works sometimes. My results have been clearly the opposite--that approach has simply never worked for me. I go by personal experience.

 

For me it's got nothing to do with ego or feeling that it isn't appropriate for a woman to ask a man out (I was not socialized that way and I always thought it was fine which is why I did it quite a lot in the past--just never worked out for me). I've just found it to not be an effective way to find a person who is actually romantically interested in me.

[itsallgrand]

My mom used to think it was uncouth to ask. She asked out her first guy at 50 - they are together still and seem happy.

Her first man she's been with who is younger than her as well. She was also taught it was uncouth/wouldn't work to go for a 'younger guy'.

 

Things are mixing up.

[grymoire]

And what's the worst thing that could happen to a guy if he asks a girl out?

 

Yep, it works both ways. Men should NOT hesitate to ask out women. The worst thing that can happen is she is going to politely turn you down.

 

Back in my country women can get rude.... my brother asked out a girl and she slapped him. So there it is understandable. But in the USA I think women are more thoughtful when rejecting a guy.

[grymoire]

I dont think we are a damsal in distress. We were just told it was not decent. You have to look at the time frame. I take my self for example. My mom is in her 60's which is not old in itself BUT she was raised by someone who was born in 1905. My grandmother had my mother at 40. So if my grandmother was alive today she would be 104 years old. Think about the time frame she was raised. She raised my mother, she had a big hand in raising me. She was ULTRA religious. I can tell you she was no damsal in distress she was on her own from 14 till she married at 38. She survived on her own in the world. She was however raised in a different social climate and raised her daughter most definitely the same way and to some extent her granddaughter.

 

but what surprises is that the traditions are only partially followed right? so the girl waits for the guy to ask her out but does she also wait to have sex until marriage? i don't think so. what happens to tradition when it comes to sex? surely there must be a rule for that as well.

[lady00]

I think that while I would not ask a guy out, I would also give him pretty big hints that I am interested in going out with him.

 

Example: last guy I went out with tested the waters by asking me what I like to do in my free time, what type of restaurants I like etc. I figured he was signaling to me that he was interested. He then gave me his contact info. I actually contacted him next and asked him how he was doing. He followed up by asking me out on a date.

 

So it's not a though I feel like I should be sitting around waiting for a guy to ask me out. I try to meet them halfway...but I won't exactly ask them out on a date. I try to make it clear that I am interested.

[Siriana]

We girls mostly get approached. If one guy doesn't approach us, some other will. So we don't have to try as much as you guys with approaching. We just send the I'm interested signals. If all the guys banned approaching we would start approaching lol But even than all guys wouldn't do it. Some would be clever enough to keep approaching us and they would have higher success rate lol because we would be giving the numbers like crazy to those guys because of limited guys supply. I hope I made you smile. ;-)

[Seraphim]

but what surprises is that the traditions are only partially followed right? so the girl waits for the guy to ask her out but does she also wait to have sex until marriage? i don't think so. what happens to tradition when it comes to sex? surely there must be a rule for that as well.

 

Of course there is. It was followed by my grandmother and by mother. I can tell you that 99.9%. My grandmother was too religious to ever have had sex before marriage, and I can tell you she was a hawk with my mother. My mother was in a church unless she was at school, my grandmother made sure of it. Mind you my mother was married at 18. My mother is a thousand times more modern than her mother, but she still did not want me to go around chasing guys.

[grymoire]

We girls mostly get approached. If one guy doesn't approach us, some other will. So we don't have to try as much as you guys with approaching. We just send the I'm interested signals. If all the guys banned approaching we would start approaching lol But even than all guys wouldn't do it. Some would be clever enough to keep approaching us and they would have higher success rate lol because we would be giving the numbers like crazy to those guys because of limited guys supply. I hope I made you smile. ;-)

 

yea, that's the advantage women have. i just wished all your mothers had taught you "you should approach men and ask them out on dates". it would have made life easier for us men

 

funny how most women want to get married but it is the man that has to pursue women

[orchidrose]

I agree that it's mostly a self-confidence issue. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking a guy out a year or two ago, but when I realized that I had been hoping to bump into the guy I liked for over a year, and I was getting signals but neither of us were following through, I'd had enough. I asked him out - again, on the principle of "what's the worst that could happen?" I was okay with hearing no, or yes. But I was never going to have an answer if I didn't do it.

 

That guy is now my boyfriend. He seemed kind of relieved that I asked him; he said he just didn't really know how to go about it and he's shy about these sorts of things. He didn't seem freaked out or act like it bruised his ego at all. I think it was a positive thing to him, since it showed that I knew what I wanted and I went for it.

[BellaDonna]

but what surprises is that the traditions are only partially followed right? so the girl waits for the guy to ask her out but does she also wait to have sex until marriage? i don't think so. what happens to tradition when it comes to sex? surely there must be a rule for that as well.

 

Traditions don't usually make too much sense in general. People will often do things because "that's the way it has always been done" and not for any real deep reason. Traditions are just passed down through one's environment and not everyone questions them.

 

The social climate is definitely shifting. There are a lot more women who ask men out. If you think about it, the surge in online dating has likely helped change the social climate because now women who may not have otherwise asked a man out or indicated initial interest (in public) may feel more comfortable doing so over the internet.

[grymoire]

Thank goodness. We need to have more posts like this.

 

It does not help if some women think that they were rejected *because* they asked out the guy. I just cannot see how that would play such a major role. May be the guy was simply not interested.

[itsallgrand]

It does not help if some women think that they were rejected *because* they asked out the guy. I just cannot see how that would play such a major role. May be the guy was simply not interested.

 

For sure.

 

And there is a lot of half way meeting too...like Lady was describing.

 

Not all women are just standing around passively taking what comes at them aggressively. lol. They are playing an active role in who they want to go out with.

[grymoire]

Not all women are just standing around passively taking what comes at them aggressively. lol. They are playing an active role in who they want to go out with.

 

by giving out signals?

[lady00]

It does not help if some women think that they were rejected *because* they asked out the guy. I just cannot see how that would play such a major role. May be the guy was simply not interested.

 

I agree. I think that if a man declines a woman's invitation to go out on a date, it's because he isn't interested in her romantically, not simply because she asked him out.

[Seraphim]

However it is not passive when you reject what is coming at you aggressively. People assume not showing you are in charge implies there is no control. That is not so.

 

I know I am not a passive woman. I do not "wait" for something to charge at me and I take it. I am discriminating. Do not assume someone is passive just because they do not grab a guy and say "hey baby let's go out.".

[sophie274]

I would ask out, and have asked out, a man when I sensed that he was interested in me but somehow shy or unsure that I was interested. I wouldn't be interested in "pursuing" a man: making most of the effort, calling to set up all the dates, just because I would figure if he isn't interested in the beginning my persistence is not going to change that. Similarly, I wouldn't enjoy or expect to be "pursued" by a man.