brazilgirl21 Posted September 30, 2009 Author Share Posted September 30, 2009 You know what, I guess it's common everywhere really. I don't date multiple people because when I like somebody, I really like them and have no eyes for others. But J was really not a bad guy. And I mean, in the end he apologized, said he made a mistake, that what he did was out of character... so I mean, he even apologized for something he didn't do wrong. We just don't like it when it happens to us and we get hurt. He definetly didn't do anything horrible. Maybe I shouldn't have over-reacted about seeing him with the artist then? He did text me on Sunday morning wanting to hangout on Tuesday. But then I caught him with the girl and flipped. Maybe if I played it cool with this dating scenario he might end up liking me and not the artist? Link to comment
penelope13 Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 No, it's not like that in the US; what you call 'maintaining a relationship' = calling, texting, spending time with each other etc is all part of dating and unless stated otherwise can be done with multiple people. Now do you understand maybe why many people on your thread continued to say that this was not a relationship yet and kept reminding you that he is american? Link to comment
viajera Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 I guess it all comes down to how you define "exclusive" and "seriously dating", and I think we're defining them differently. For example, several years ago I was actively dating. I'd signed up for eHarmony and had met men through other routes, and dated ~10 men over the period of 6 months. For a period of maybe 2-3 months, I was seeing up to 3-4 men regularly. But none of them were serious - neither myself nor any of the men were having any of those deep, soul-baring conversations that I tend to associate with serious relationships. We were just getting to know one another and enjoying one another's company. Gradually, as I (and they) came to realize we weren't a match, we drifted apart, and in the end I ended up becoming serious with one of the men (the "good guy" I mentioned in my earlier post). I'm kind of surprised to hear that people are more serious about relationships in Brazil. That hasn't been my experience in Latin America (Central America and the Caribbean), where most people have multiple relationships - even, perhaps especially, married folks. Given what I've heard about from Brazil from friends who used to live there, that wasn't what I was expecting. Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted September 30, 2009 Author Share Posted September 30, 2009 Pen - yes! A, for example, didn't want a relationship, but he NEVER called, texted me. We only hung out when we casually met and I think he liked me more than J ever did. Weird. Viajera - Brazilian dating is DEFINETLY less serious than American dating. A guy in Brazil will ONLY call/text if he wants something with you, otherwise he'd literally not even reply to your texts. That's why I got confused with J. But infidelity...well yeah, some guys here are horrible. Married or not. I do know some really good guys and I know my dad and my ex boyfriend and a lot of man are really loyal. It's a very weird dating pool here. Basically people of a lower social status, lower education, which basically is more than 80% of the population, it's really just all weird and fair game. The more traditional families, however, have VERY traditional values, much more than americans. It's just two different societies really. Two different Brazils. Lower/Upper class is just two different masses. What foreigers normally see/experience is the popular mass. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Yeah, I think the thing is, in the US, dating doesn't involve kissing. So it's normal to go out with multiple people without hooking up. That's ok. But the minute you become physically intimate with someone, is the minute I don't think it's ok to date more than 1 person. Oh well, I guess part of the dating game is getting hurt. I'd been really lucky in the past but this year I was just faced with the reality of what dating is. I don't like it. as the others have pointed out, in the US, it is quite common to be kissing and doing more (a lot more!) and with several people you are dating. in the US, it's assumed you are dating (and perhaps sleeping with others) unless stated otherwise. I am more like you. I prefer not to date more than one person at a time. when i like a guy, i only have eyes for him. when i did online dating, i might have been going out on several dates a week, but that was more 'getting to know you' and once i kissed a guy and liked him, i pretty much wasn't seeing other men. but.... that's how it goes. now you know. anyways..... just a thought..... you were filled with anxiety during your entire time dating J (don't even try to deny it!!!) looking back, do you think it is possible that your anxiety was a 'gut feeling' that something wasn't quite right or that he wasn't entirely committed to you? because i think that is the case here. for me, at least, when i find myself filled with anxiety about a relationship, i do often find out what the real deal was (ie, he has someone else, he's not so interested in me, etc....) Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted September 30, 2009 Author Share Posted September 30, 2009 I always felt like he was way too perfect for me, a dream, and too good to be true. I know it doesn't happen like this in life. You don't meet the guy of your dreams and it works out. You meet a guy and he becomes the guy of your dreams! I had too much expectations of the idea of j, I knew it wouldn't work out! Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 hm. i dunno. i think that there are really perfect guys out there. but i think part of the problem was branding him 'the perfect man' before you really got to know who he is and what he is about. Link to comment
bexcelant Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 You have a point but I know this game very well. I kissed her on the cheek the first date but I knew she wanted me to kiss her on the lips. I didn't kiss her on the lips because I wanted to be a gentleman about it and leave her wanting more. The second date was actually not so good because the restuarant we went to was slow and it took 3.5 hrs for dinner and I was running out of things to say. The third date I had with her was off the chain. It was really good but I know that she had already decided by the time the third date rolled around. I believe that she didn't tell me for two weeks because I actually made sure that the third date was going to be exceptional. I knew I had dug myself into a hole on the second date and the third date had to be really good to have a fighting chance at continuing to see her. I mean it was the critical third date. I escalated the touching, flirting and everything centered around her. I gave her an orchid at the beginning and kissed her at the end. In two days after that date, I saw on FB that the guy was claiming exclusivity with her. I believe that at least I muddied up the water for her. Otherwise, she would have told me right away when he claimed that they were in a relationship. If she didn't tell me right away, that meant that I made an impact. For two more weeks, she didn't say a word and continued to make plans with me. Still, I feel that I didn't actually get a fair chance because people move at different rates of speed. Apparently, my guess is that he escalated the physical chemistry part much faster than I did and she went for it. His is a fast burning flame while mine was a smoldering ember about to catch fire. Given two more dates, I am sure the chemistry would have been exceptional. Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted October 1, 2009 Author Share Posted October 1, 2009 Wow, another guy using "escalated". J used the word to descirbe his relationship with the artist. Things "escalated" with her. What a weird word to define relationships. Anyways, you ran out of things to say on a date? I mean, why did you like her so much then? When I like someone, it's because I know I can be with them for hours and hours and still have what to talk about. And I definetly don't get the no kissing on the lips part. I think in the US there are too many rules in dating. First date you do this, second date you give a peck on the lips, third date is critical, by the 10th date you claim exclusivity... it's too structured. I guess here things just go with the flow... Day 2 of NC with J. Not thaaat easy but I'm managing. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Not all relationships are structured and have rules, some people do some people don't everyone is different really. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Not all relationships are structured and have rules, some people do some people don't everyone is different really. That's true but if you look around/ask around, do a lot of dating and know a lot of people who date/have relationships, especially people who are in their 20s/30s and don't have children, you will see a lot more similarities than differences in how things generally work in the beginning because from what I've experienced directly and indirectly, there are some typical signs that a man is interested in a potential relationship with a lady, or interested in dating her, and there's a typical progression in a relationship. I always knew this but enjoyed reading about it in one particular book - A Fine Romance by Judith Sills. Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted October 1, 2009 Author Share Posted October 1, 2009 This label "Type A" this guy gave me REALLY bothered me. What the heck? I talk about my emotions A LOT, I have an easy time expressing my feelings, I care A LOT about family and friends... I don't think "talking about emotions" is for losers. I feel judged and it sucks because I was judged by someone I REALLY admired, you know? But I KNOW I'm NOT just Type A at all. I do have some of the characteristics, imaptient, work better under pressure, determined... I'm just not just that you know? Ugh, I'm still having a hard time dealing with this. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 don't take what he says too seriously. like i said, he may be looking for a woman who doesn't have an MBA like he does. sometimes it's nice when couples aren't in the same field so that they aren't in competition. some people perfer that. chin up hun. you have a lot to offer. Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted October 1, 2009 Author Share Posted October 1, 2009 It's hard to let go... It's like, being anxious/crazy about him is all I've known for the past month and a half. It's going to take a while. It feels REALLY good to start thinking about me though. For the past weeks it's been all about him and seeing him. It's crazy how I dedicate myself. Definetly NOT healthy. I just bought my tickets to go home tomorrow to spend the weekend. Planning a great new years trip with my best friends, getting my test scores in for school... it's me, me, me time and it feels good. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 honestly I wouldn't take these personality classifications seriously anyway since they are rather limiting and do not allow for a lot of variation/ variety. Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted October 1, 2009 Author Share Posted October 1, 2009 Yeah... I guess. Wow, I can't believe it's Friday already. This week ran by. Funny what an anxious-less week can do to you. I function at work SO much better. It feels so liberating... It's weird as well because I feel a little out of focus. I mean, I've been focusing so much on J for the past weeks that it's weird to have to shift my focus. And I sort of kind of miss him. Just talking to him, cuddling, just being with him. He was a really sweet guy to be around. Very attentive, good convertionalist, very caring. I wonder how he is, if ge the thinks about me at all, if he feels a little bad for what he did... I even feel like e-mailing him a "what's up". I know I shouldn't, but I probably will at some point, maybe next week. Is it really bad? Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 I would wait until you are over him. Give yourself some time to heal. Did you also think part of the reason he kept his relationship with you private was not because of his ex, but so you and the artist wouldn't find out about each other? Link to comment
volpe Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 I know people have already said this... but forget about A & J. They both suck. When you date other people, take things S-L-O-W. Nothing wrong with getting excited, but remind yourself CAUTION- you do not know if these people are as awesome as you state- you say you don't put them on a pedestal- but I beg to differ. Partly cause I know I do the same thing! Talk about how "good" a guy is when I've only known him a couple of weeks and when he is likely on his very BEST behavior. I understand what you mean about "picky", but take your time in deciding about the quality of a person- on the order of months, rather than weeks. Link to comment
bexcelant Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 I know people have already said this... but forget about A & J. They both suck. When you date other people, take things S-L-O-W. Nothing wrong with getting excited, but remind yourself CAUTION- you do not know if these people are as awesome as you state- you say you don't put them on a pedestal- but I beg to differ. Partly cause I know I do the same thing! Talk about how "good" a guy is when I've only known him a couple of weeks and when he is likely on his very BEST behavior. I understand what you mean about "picky", but take your time in deciding about the quality of a person- on the order of months, rather than weeks. I wish I could take this post and stick it in my girls ear right now. Link to comment
bexcelant Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 ow ow ow ow...just found out that the dude she is dating is a different faith and 10 yrs younger than her. Oh my pride is taking a beating today. Link to comment
AmandaB Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 Just a side note, Brazil got the 2016 Olympics! That must be exciting BG! A totally random side note for you all. Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted October 2, 2009 Author Share Posted October 2, 2009 J e-mailed me to ask how I was doing after the drama on Monday. He said he was feeling much better. He didn't say much, just asked how I was. I wrote back and whatever I feel stupid for even replying and being all "peaceful" but I guess I just take the high road you know? In the end, I couldn't help but be a little passive aggressive. Probably shouldn't have written anything, but you know, I just want to come out as the bigger person. I said: "I'm feeling pretty well too. You know, being a boring Type-A and working a lot. haha. I'm flying home because my and D's parents are going to Japan for a few weeks so we are going to stay with them this weekend before they leave. I haven't really thought about what happened because it was just stupid. You were right, you didn't owe us any explanation. You didn't do anything wrong. I had just never been in a situation like that and I guess I didn't really know how to deal with it. But yeah, hopefully we can be friends because I've always really trusted you as a person and felt like I could talk to you and it's really hard to trust people in a city like São Paulo, as you probably know. Did T forgive you for the concert thing? You can always tell her she was seeing other people to and use me as a witness!" Was I too stupid???? Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted October 2, 2009 Author Share Posted October 2, 2009 So he replied. He's a very cold guy with writing so yeah, I didn't even expected him to reply. "Great, have an incredible trip up there. Really excited Rio got the games. * You are not boring. I hate drama so I am glad the whole situation is behind me. And I mean the WHOLE situation. * Sure, would love to be friends. * Please Keep in touch! " Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted October 2, 2009 Author Share Posted October 2, 2009 Talking to him didn't do me well. I feel depressed that I "lost" him. I'm never going to meet someone like him again. An american who was born in Rio and understand my culture and my country =[ Link to comment
bexcelant Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 Each person that comes into your life is special. They all bring qualities good and bad and of course if you gave your heart away, you will always miss them. Remember each and every one and the lessons each one brings into your life. The Chinese Buddhist have a saying. If you look at each person as a spirit that comes into your life to teach you. Then you cannot be angry when they leave. You simply say thank you for that lesson as the lesson is now over. I am greatful for all you have taught me. I will take with me the lessons you have taught me throughout life. Link to comment
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