I'm so exhausted. I don't know how to keep going...

[Imprecision]

I think it's a little silly to think of relationships in terms of a woman's "rights" - that would really be an obstacle to closeness and trust if my SO and I were to speak of our relatonship in those terms. Of course there are legal aspects to our relationship because we are married but those rights have nothing to do with how we behave toward each other.

 

Well, you don't have to use those exact words, but that's really what they are.

 

Furthermore, these rights are not legal rights, which you have mentioned. These are rights conferred by very existence of a relationship.

 

For instance, I would not expect a casual friend to disclose his finances to me. Our friendship does not confer me the right to know this. However, the fact that I'm in a relationsihp with my girlfriend confers me to the right to inquire into her finances, and vice versa.

 

Another example - If my girlfriend were in the hospital, she has the right to expect me to attend to her and to keep her companied on a regular basis until she leaves the hospital. Or vice versa. Now, I would not expect the same of a casual friend, because he is not my girlfriend.

 

******

 

In simpler form, I would say: A relationship entails mutual rights and obligations, which in turn allow for mutual dependence. Intimacy flourishes because of mutual dependence.

[Batya33]

Well, no maybe in your relationship that is the arrangement you have made but if you mean generally that being in a bf/gf relationship confers certain rights I strongly disagree - each couple decides what their limits and boundaries are, and their expectations. I would not tell my husband "I have a right to know where you are going out to dinner" - because that is a confrontational demanding thing to say - without any good reason to be that confrontational. Rather, I might say if for some reason he resisted (which he wouldn't) "I think it's only fair that I know where you are going in case I need to reach you in an emergency" - but to say "I have a right to know so you must tell me" is likely to put him on the defensive and cause needless conflict. I find that whole "rights" theory very presumptuous and controlling.

[grymoire]

Majority of the women are that way Batya. You are an exception, but most women kinda demand to know where their bf/husband is.

[Imprecision]

Well, of course you wouldn't say "I have a right to know where you are going out to dinner." Your phrasing is generally good, e.g. "I think it's only fair that I know where you are going in case I need to reach you in an emergency."

 

However, the underlying dynamic is that you, as the wife, indeed have a right to know where your husband is.

 

And now, if your husband goes out to dinner regularly but repeatedly hides his destination and dinner-companions from you, and if this forms a part of a general pattern, then this is certainly something you should not put up with. In this case, you should tell him that "I have a right to know where you are going out to dinner."

[Batya33]

Well, of course you wouldn't say "I have a right to know where you are going out to dinner." Your phrasing is generally good, e.g. "I think it's only fair that I know where you are going in case I need to reach you in an emergency."

 

However, the underlying dynamic is that you, as the wife, indeed have a right to know where your husband is.

 

And now, if your husband goes out to dinner regularly but repeatedly hides his destination and dinner-companions from you, and if this forms a part of a general pattern, then this is certainly something you should not put up with. In this case, you should tell him that "I have a right to know where you are going out to dinner."

 

Oh it was a hypothetical example only - I can't imagine that happening - we enjoy checking in with each other and sharing basically eveything. My view is that to think of it in terms of rights even if it is not said sets up a dynamic that is bound to be more confrontational and impersonal than regarding each other as part of a team and partners.

[annie24]

oh bg. *sigh* i hope you've learned why people tell you not to snoop in emails. it's easy to get hurt, in addition to it being an invasion of privacy. you told him you still had his password, which is probably what made him think you were crazy. my first thought was that he WANTED you to check his email because he wanted to see what he was writing to his gf! otherwise, he would have changed his password. my 2 cents.

 

anyways, now that you've been burned, i hope you keep your hands off the stove!

 

exes and games. i get it. it's happened to me before, still is happening to me. all you can do is grow a tough skin, and like batya said - focus on those people who ARE there for you in your life - your friends, your family, people who have proven their loyalty to you. and like imprecision said - focus on work and school.