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I'm so exhausted. I don't know how to keep going...

brazilgirl21

By brazilgirl21
in Dating Advice

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brazilgirl21 Experienced

brazilgirl21

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I've moved on from my ex and I just wanted to see how he was doing. I told him I might be moving abroad in the end of the year and he said he would love to see me before I leave. He was SO nice. He said he was a huge part of my cycle in the city (3.5 out of 4.5 years) and he wanted to say goodbye before I go. I'm sure his girlfriend won't mind, we were a big part of eachother's life I would completely understand if I were her.

 

Anyways, yeah, I won't check his e-mails anymore, I'm going to tell him to change the password just so he has his privacy really. I'm going to apprach it in a jokingly way. Sorry, I do NOT want to have his password, it's annoying, he deserves his privacy.

 

I've been continuously better about J.

 

A just got back from Turkey and replied to my text. That I definetly regret. I should not have texted A. Even though he was sweet and caring, he didn't really deserve that attention I gave him. But who cares really.

 

I just got back from an interview for J&J's trainee program. Amazing 3-years program. Great company, great pay, great opportunity. However, it made me realize the most important thing: I want to study abroad now. That is what I want. I don't want a trainee program in the city right now, I don't want to chase boys, I don't want to stay at my really great job where I love everyone and it's just stable for me there... I don't want it.

 

I want to go abroad for a few months. That is what my heart and my mind and my instincts is telling me to do.

 

I have no idea what J has to do with this but wow, this drive and courage to go in January is just overwhelmingly nice. It's a decision for me, for my growth, that does not involve any of those guys. I know I made the decision to REALLY take my grad school applications seriously after the J drama. That was when I found the program at Berkeley that is exactly what I want/need now - and that starts in the Spring and not in the Fall.

 

Everything just makes complete sense for me right now and I know that if I was still blindsighted by my "relationship" with J everything would be different. I would be wanting to stay at my job or grab this trainee program and stay in this city for God's knows when...

 

However, now that guys are out of the equation, I see clearly what I want. And that is to go to grad school in the US next year.

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grymoire Community Regular

grymoire

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On a separate note, this thread clearly shows how women usually have more options than men when it comes to Dating. Brazilgirl is talking about a G, an A, and a J all at the same time. I doubt if lot of guys here, including me, can talk about even one single girl in the course of the whole year.

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BigBlackCat369 Newbie

BigBlackCat369

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BG you have to stop defining your life in terms of relationships/boyfriends. I haven't read all pages of this post, but you come accross as desperate. DON'T............ ever be that person. If you are pursuing an MBA, then you are smart to begin with......I just joined this blog tonight and the majority of posts are from younger people that seem to think their life is over if they don't have the perfect relationship by "X" # of years old, or that they are missing out on something. I am always amazed/astounded by the intensity of feelings that people have because they are single or jilted, or whatever, that they are less of a person because they don't have a significant other. Be happy with your self, because you can be in an unhappy/unfulfilling relationship and before you know it 10 years have gone by and you can't get those 10 years back. Live for now, because another person won't complete you, only you can do that.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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On a separate note, this thread clearly shows how women usually have more options than men when it comes to Dating. Brazilgirl is talking about a G, an A, and a J all at the same time. I doubt if lot of guys here, including me, can talk about even one single girl in the course of the whole year.

 

Well no this is one person, and a younger person which usually means more opportunities - friends through school, etc. Even J in this story who is 30 has two opportunities (and just ended things with an ex, so that's three in less than a year). The men I know/have known who were not at the time in serious relationships had multiple opportunities to date, especially in their late 20s and up - and especially if they were on on line dating sites.

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gee Contributor

gee

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I think you coming to the US is perfect for you. A new start! The East side of the US is great. You will love it. Well, it gets cold here in the winter time so be ready for that.

 

You shouldn't be pursuing a relationship with anyone if you are going to study abroad.

 

Relax and think more about yourself!

 

gee

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brazilgirl21 Experienced

brazilgirl21

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Batya - Exactly. And J precisely told me that "he chose to only go out with the artist and I even though he got other options".

 

I think guys have MUCH more options than girls.

 

I know I'm lucky because I'm very social, have a lot of friends and go out a lot. I have no problem meeting people. My problem is liking the ones who like me. I always seem to like unavailable guys.

 

I've been the best I've ever been these past few days. Like someone stated, I just turned 22, I am YOUNG, full of opportunities and full of life ahead of me!! Gosh this past few months I have been SO desperate!! It's crazy how desperate I've been.

 

And all because my first love is in a serious relationship with someone else. It's hard for me to accept that he rebounded SO fast and seem to be in such a successful relationship when I stay single and have bad relationships!

 

But you know, that's life. I've been meeting people, hanging out with my friends, I will live abroad, I will experience life.

 

As to my ex, he might be happy, but he's basically living as a serial monogomist. Dated me from 18-22, now has a new girl from 22-x ! I'm happy for him and he might be happier than me but you know, every way of life have their upsides and downsides.

 

I'm going to live for myself and I KNOW love will come for me sooner or later. I just want to embrace being single for now.

 

It still stings to think about my ex in his serious relationship and how he doesn't even care what's up with me, he COMPLETELY substituted my place in his life. That's definetly the root of my desperation to also "replace" him but you know, everything will happen when they are supposed to.

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annie24 Grand Master

annie24

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bg, i think that this is hard, but you shouldn't compare yourself to others. this is something that comes up all the time in graduate school in my field, where this person is graduating, and this one isn't yet, still has a ways to go.

 

i think you just have to remember that we are all on different paths, and you don't have to feel like you should be somewhere by now or right now or whatnot. ok, your ex has a relationship, but does that mean he is better at life than you, or that J is? no! just, there are different paths we take. just focus on your path. remember, you're better off waiting for mr. right rather than jumping into a relationship. actually, 4 of my peers are getting divorced right now - can you imagine? we aren't even 30 yet!

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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bg, i think that this is hard, but you shouldn't compare yourself to others. this is something that comes up all the time in graduate school in my field, where this person is graduating, and this one isn't yet, still has a ways to go.

 

i think you just have to remember that we are all on different paths, and you don't have to feel like you should be somewhere by now or right now or whatnot. ok, your ex has a relationship, but does that mean he is better at life than you, or that J is? no! just, there are different paths we take. just focus on your path. remember, you're better off waiting for mr. right rather than jumping into a relationship. actually, 4 of my peers are getting divorced right now - can you imagine? we aren't even 30 yet!

 

BG- listen to Dixie Chicks "taking the long way around" - so inspiring.

I agree with Annie and oh, please, big deal your ex is smitten with a new woman for about five minutes. You can drive yourself nuts comparing yourself to others - it's normal, we all do it, but it's worth it to have that mental or real rubber band you snap each time you do it to remind yourself not to do it.

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brazilgirl21 Experienced

brazilgirl21

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I'm just continuously tired of getting screwed over.

 

I'm honestly never dating again. And definetly never attempting to contact any guy I have dated.

 

I'm not even going to say I'm upset, because honestly, it's become an everyday thing right now.

 

I thought J was a loser and my ex was amazing, but wow my ex just hit an ultimate low as well. So like I told you guys, I decided to e-mail him, to see how he's doing, tell him I'm planning to study abroad etc... Ok, he replied, was really nice, etc...

 

You guys know that I have his password and yes it sucks and I want to tell him I do so I don't feel tempted to go there. I'm not going to lie, I did go in his e-mail once, and then twice after I sent him this e-mail.

 

I just went there today and checked and I really am NEVER going there again and am not going to even tell him to change because it'll be weird, like I have been seeing his e-mails. I'll just control myself, and I know I can because in 6 months I've only been in his e-mails 3 times.

 

Anyways, I realize how two faced he is. He sent an e-mail to his gf telling her that I sent him an e-mail and he said something like: "look at this girl writing me, are you crazy...she should just get lost..."

 

I cannot tell you how hurt I am. First, yes, -100 points for checking the e-mail, and I promise I'm done and I probably deserve this. But he was completely sweet and nice to my face and then in the back he wrote his gf to tell her I e-mailed him and called me "that girl...". It's the same way when he meets me in person. When he's with her, he doesn't even say hi to me, when he's with his friends, he's all nice and expect me to have a conversation with him.

 

I'm very happy that he has such an "open" relationship with his girlfriend (after cheating on her for half an year) that he feels the need to bash me to her just because I wrote him an e-mail? Once again, I feel pathetic, low, and I mean, the more I get to know guys... the more I want a dog.

 

And yeah, you guys can tell me how wrong of me it was to check his e-mail, but I'm glad I did and realize how people are not as good as I believed. I really thought my ex and me could be friends after some time of NC. Clearly, I'm just "that girl who should get lost".

 

Wow, no words.

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brazilgirl21 Experienced

brazilgirl21

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And please if you guys could avoid the: "Don't go in his e-mail, that's so horrible, etc...".

 

I know all that... it's horrible and I am NOT doing it again. I thought that now that he realized I could still write to his old e-mail, he would change the password (my name and bday!). I AM NOT DOING IT AGAIN. I KNOW IT'S WRONG. IT'S ALMOST A CRIME.

 

But do you know how hard it was to read from the guy who was suposedly the love of your life, who you dated for 3 years, who chased you for 6 months... who wrote you 344252 love letters... THE reason you came to ENA on the first place that: "look at this girl, are you crazy, she should just get lost".

 

This year has been a joke for me. A joke.

 

Lessons learned: DO NOT BREAK NC WITH AN EX. Not even when you are over them. Do not try to be friends, they don't care about you.

 

I am doing really well, but this clearly makes me feel like * * * * .

 

To make matters worse, I just get an e-mail from my best friend who dates his best friend telling me that her bf just decided to do something for his bday tonight. I mean, I should just NOT go. See these two and be ridiculed as the girl who e-mails the ex. No words.

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brazilgirl21 Experienced

brazilgirl21

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Pen -

 

a) your ability to justify all of your actions, no matter what ( I AM NOT JUSTIFYING, IT WAS ALMOST A CRIME I KNOW IT! )

 

b) your inability to see that most of the pain you are experiencing is brought on by your own actions ( I KNOW THIS. I HONESTLY JUST E-MAILED HIM TO SEE HOW HE WAS DOING. YOU TOLD ME ON MY ENA THREAD THAT I COULD DO THIS AFTER SOME MONTHS AND I FELT I WAS OVER HIM. I PROMISE I AM COMPLETELY OVER HIM AS A BOYFRIEND)

 

This just really hurt me because wow, look at what he said about me.

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hexaemeron Collaborator

hexaemeron

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Pen -

 

a) your ability to justify all of your actions, no matter what ( I AM NOT JUSTIFYING, IT WAS ALMOST A CRIME I KNOW IT! )

 

b) your inability to see that most of the pain you are experiencing is brought on by your own actions ( I KNOW THIS. I HONESTLY JUST E-MAILED HIM TO SEE HOW HE WAS DOING. YOU TOLD ME ON MY ENA THREAD THAT I COULD DO THIS AFTER SOME MONTHS AND I FELT I WAS OVER HIM. I PROMISE I AM COMPLETELY OVER HIM AS A BOYFRIEND)

 

This just really hurt me because wow, look at what he said about me.

 

You were never meant to see it. You're the one constantly doing things to throw yourself right back onto the cross and then whine "OH MY GOD IT HURTS SO MUCH"

 

Stop! Stop putting yourself in the position of being hurt, so then you won't be hurt.

 

Unless, you do it just for the attention. In which case, stop that too.

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hexaemeron Collaborator

hexaemeron

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And seriously, on ENA people are way too political correct.

 

I doubt that if some of you had your exes' password you wouldn't look at it at least once.

I have a couple of friends who are all really good people and they ALL go on their exes e-mail.

 

But yeah, I'm not justifying.

 

Would you like a do-over on this post? You're negating yourself.

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grymoire Community Regular

grymoire

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Well no this is one person, and a younger person which usually means more opportunities - friends through school, etc. Even J in this story who is 30 has two opportunities (and just ended things with an ex, so that's three in less than a year). The men I know/have known who were not at the time in serious relationships had multiple opportunities to date, especially in their late 20s and up - and especially if they were on on line dating sites.

 

yeah Batya, but Brazilgirl and most other women will be approached and asked out for a date. then it is up to her to decide whether to go or not. it is not the same for us guys.

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penelope13 Rising Star

penelope13

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Translation:

 

a) I did this. It was wrong. Hey, I admit it is wrong, so noone criticize me. Now everyone tell me that I am a good person.

 

b) I know if I do this, I will be hurt. I do it anyway. Wow, why am I hurting soo much? Somebody please console me.

 

 

BG, you might be upset with me now for writing this, but I am really trying to shake you up and see the part that you are playing in causing a lot of unnecessary pain for yourself. As I said before, neither you nor me can change anything about the behavior of any of the guys, but it is in your power to change your own behavior a bit to avoid some of these experiences

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