I'm so exhausted. I don't know how to keep going...

[annie24]

I'm very happy and excited. I really feel like, if anything, J probably happened for a reason you know?

 

 

i think so. going away might be the best thing that's ever happened to you!!! it sounds like it will be a good experience.

[bexcelant]

bex - This wasn't even close to love. I wanted to give him my love, but never had the opportunity to.

 

I know I'll find someone sooner or later that will be there for me and be the best boyfriend in the world! I know it!

 

Yes you will!! I'll even go ahead and say it. WE ALL WILL!!!!

 

Expect it and it will happen. Speak it into existence!

[Batya33]

Annie24 - Yes of course that too!

 

But in my mind I "believed" he was taking things slow because he had just ended a relationship and I thought what I was getting was more than I even expected/dreamed about, you know?

 

I thought he was honestly getting back with his ex after 1-2 weeks with me.

 

I think his actions were inconsistent with that from the beginning - a man who wants to take things slow doesn't invite a lady to his house late at night and share his bed with her after knowing her two weeks (whether he has sex or otherwise), call her at the last minute to hang out, etc. Why would a man who wanted to make a good impression on a lady because he saw a future but wanted to take things slow behave in that way? The last date wasn't him taking things slow -that was just him accepting an invitation to a concert after not being in contact with you much over the last week (which wouldn't be strange other than that before that he was in contact much more frequently).

 

I think when you approach dating with a mindset of knowing what you are worth, not putting someone on an impossible pedestal where you constantly lower your standards just to be in his presence and constantly feel anxious, you will attract people who are ready for a relationship or at least want to take you on proper dates to get to know you slowly. I think at times he acted like a jerk, and certainly it was a huge red flag with his whole arrogant lecture to you about getting an MBA, but you need to be more aware of why you "believe" what you believe -- when it's based on a low self esteem or that kind of reaction you know you're headed down an unhealthy path.

 

Good luck with the applications - woo hoo!

[annie24]

yeah, and i thought that his MBA lecture was a bit hypocritical considering he has an MBA himself.

 

oh brazilgirl - i had a guy like this in my life too, just like this J. He got an MBA from a top university also. and he was an arrogant ass too. but he wasn't so arrogant when i first met him, or at least i didn't see him that way. but he definitely took advantage of our age gap and frequently tried to make me feel dumb. he's gone forever now, and i am glad!!!!

 

i think it's all a learning experience. you know what to do next time better now.

[brazilgirl21]

Batya - I understand you with the "late night" call, etc... but you know, my ex who I was for 3 years would come late night sometimes as well so I don't think it's that extreme.

 

I mean, he called the artist to his house late night and apparently he is taking her seriously, you know? Talking to her, he treated her exactly like he treated me, made plans on the last minute, saw her sometimes after leaving me at 2 am... and it still seems like he wants a relationship with her.

 

I think it's very weird that he deleted me and his ex from his facebook and told me on the phone he's tired of the "rich sao paulo" people. I think he believes me and his ex, we went to the same american school (in different cities) and it's considered the most prestigious school for spoiled rich kids by everyone else in the country. It's known as the "american school bubble" and me and his ex have a lot of friends in common and I guess he thinks we are spoiled. That's the impression I got from our last conversation. He told me he thinks his ex is spoiled as well.

 

The thing is, he worked really hard to get where he is, he had to pay for his college, etc... and in Brazil parents really do spoil their kids. It's culturally a country where parents just give their kids everything. I think he felt a bit weird that me and his ex basically had everything without needing to work for it and we weren't that "amazed" when he took us to fancy restaurants, etc...

 

As much as we say we want to date people of different cultures, it is very difficult. As much as J loves Brazil, I know he feels that it's weird how people have everything so easily here. I don't blame him. It's definetly a different type of education.

 

The artist is a struggler, just like him. Although she doesn't aspire to have an MBA or doesn't go to school, she struggles to survive in the country. She needs to work to pay her bills and you know, I think that's refreshing for him. I think he also enjoys feeling like he is definetly the "provider" of that relationship.

 

This country has a very big gap between the rich and the poor and I do not like to be judged because my parents were hard workers and give me an easy life. It's not my fault. For what it's worth, I know I try not to be spoiled and study and work and you know, be able to provide for myself in the future.

 

I don't know if you guys understand what I'm saying.

 

But yeah, you know, I feel SO good today. I'm so happy and I'm going to focus on myself and having fun for a little. Work is great, my friends are great, I'm going to Angra in Rio in the long weekend and it's going to be amazing. I'm single and I'm going to enjoy that.

 

Thanks for everyone who is always willing to help me!!

 

Cross your fingers for my applications!! I really believe things are going to workout!! I feel it.

[annie24]

Batya - I understand you with the "late night" call, etc... but you know, my ex who I was for 3 years would come late night sometimes as well so I don't think it's that extreme.

 

yeah, but you were with him for a long time, and you had that intimacy and connection established. i think batya was saying that him inviting you over late at night like that, but when you weren't 'official' sent a different sort of message.

 

who cares what J thinks? he's not some absolute arbriter of who is good and who is not, who is spoiled and who is not. who knows how seriously he is treating the artist also? the artist seems pretty carefree, she might not really care either whether things work out or not. that is something about her he might find intriguing - she is a challenge. and these MBA types love their challenges.

[brazilgirl21]

annie - yeah, I just want to live my life right now.

 

It's SO good not to be anxious about: will he call, will he not call? It's just good to be able to focus on other things...

 

It's all a learning experience for sure, and I've learned to stop having ridiculous expectations about people without getting to know them.

[annie24]

well, my other point is that when you meet a better guy and you are dating him, you won't feel anxious, because things will feel smooth to you!!!!

 

did you ever think that your anxiety was the 'barometer' of the relationship? you know, telling you that something wasn't not going right? i think your subconcious knew all along he was dating someone else.

 

my 2 cents, i know i've said this before.

[Batya33]

I think it would do you a world of good to stop yourself from all the generalizations you make based on culture and challenge yourself to put those aside and see the individuality. I am not saying all the generalizations are inaccurate but I think you use them as an excuse to justify your behavior or someone else's. Especially if you want to do well in grad school and in interviews, etc it comes accross as far more intelligent to be a person who notices individuality and relies less on old stale cliches and generalizations. You are very intelligent - my only point is that relying on generalizations gives the wrong impression, in my opinion.

[brazilgirl21]

I'm not going to make generalizations! I know everyone/every culture is different. I'm just talking to my friends about my impression of this particular guy. Heck my friends have also had relationships with brazilian man who resented their background. Its definetly an individual thing, rather than cultural.

[annie24]

link removed

 

bg - read this article!!!!!!!

[brazilgirl21]

annie - wow, that was great!! I'm glad I never got as far as this girl though...!

[grymoire]

Brazilgirl, don't take me in the wrong but I feel that at this point it is better for you to accept J's answer and move on with your life. I understand your need to vent but in all honesty I feel that it is actually holding you back. The man is not interested and has told you so, now the healthy thing for you would be to stop analyzing and get back to your career goals and other men. This is all coming from my heart, so I hope you don't get offended again.

[grymoire]

Also remember Brazilgirl, that if he is truly interested in you he will find reasons to date you. He will not find reasons to not date you. Whether those reasons are tied to cultural differences or type A personalities are moot point.

[brazilgirl21]

Gry - Yeah, it's over between J and I. I'm just realizing everything that was wrong instead of everything I believed was SO perfect.

 

I'm actually doing pretty well. No guys for at least a few months! I mean... I can't promise that but I'll definetly try!

[brazilgirl21]

Ok, so rollercoaster of emotions.

 

I was HONESTLY doing fine since last night and then just now I start questioning everything I've been doing!!

 

I really did believe J was such a good, sweet, shy, american guy that would never be dating other people, and that's why I didn't play the "waiting" game with him. I just felt like being myself and not playing hard to get. If I knew what he was up to I REALLY would have acted differently!!

 

I also really wonder what happened on the Wednesday that I slept over that was when everything change! And it wasn't even after I slept over it was before. I picked him up at work, we went to the movies, he was really, really sweet during the movies, we went back to his house, things were normal. Then we started talking about life and a lot of things and after that long talk our dynamics changed forever. I have no idea what I said that made him decide I wasn't the one for him. I remember that was when he mentioned "photography", the first clue he was thinking about the artist. Ugh, I wonder what the heck went on in that talk that changed everything. After that he started being different with me. Literally in the span of 1 hour things changed between us and the connection was lost. This wasn't even the third or fourth date, it was the 7th or 8th. It was very stange. I know I shouldn't analyze but ugh it's hard not to.

 

I e-mailed my ex after months of NC on Friday. He hasn't replied but I have his password (boys are lame, they don't change their passwords?) and he hasn't been on this e-mail since Friday, so should I just delete the e-mail? It was nothing much, just asking how he is, how it's been a while, etc... I mean, why did I write him???

 

And now I just texted A. WTH?? He had his conference thing at Turkey and he might or might not be back by now, but I texted asking how it was since he has been really excited about it. I think he might still be away so hopefully he won't get my text.

 

I just get so impulsie. It's like, in order to NOT contact J I have to contact all this other guys in my life. Ugh.

 

I know I'll get yelled at because of this but I needed to confess.

[CoCo2009]

You need to stop checking your ex's email!

[brazilgirl21]

CoCo - I NEVER check!! This is like the second time I've checked because I'm considering to delete the e-mail I sent him. There's nothing there anyways. It's an old e-mail and he only gets his college stuff there. The password is my name, lol, he's so lame. Boys are so different than girls, they really do NOT care about these little things that matter to us.

[penelope13]

I NEVER check!! This is like the second time I've checked

 

Maybe it's stating the obvious, but isn't this a contradiction?

 

I'm only pointing this out, because it seems somewhat symptomatic IMHO: you like describing yourself (as well as the person of interest) in absolute terms - you never do this, you always do that ...

however it usually doesn't take long for you to contradict yourself; instead of coming to the conclusion that maybe your are not as 'absolute' as you like to think, you come up with excuses for the contradictions in order for you to be able to maintain your 'absolute' interpretation of yourself.

 

Hardly anything in life is ever black and white, least of all human behavior - and that is totally ok. We do not have to be perfect all the time;

 

I know you don't want to think of yourself (nor be considered by others) to be 'the crazy stalker ex gf', which you are not;

 

however in this incident just admit it to yourself that it is totally uncalled for to be checking your ex email for whatever reason.

[CoCo2009]

Yeah you need to move on from ALL these guys.

[brazilgirl21]

Pen - I think my ex will be really happy to hear from me since last time we saw eachother I was really rude to him. He came up to me and I just could not speak to him. Legs were weak, I got so nervous. I don't even remember what went on. I just said "hi" to him and procedeed to talk and hug all of his friends and hardly awknowledged him. I don't even remember what went on there, I literally blacked that out. My friend just told me later that I was really rude. It was a really awkward encounter. This was about 1 month ago, I was so abosorbed with J that I probably only made one meaningless post about it.

 

But I remember you telling me back in february that after months of NC I could contact him to see how he was doing, etc...

 

Anyways, this is besides the point but yeah, I should NOT go in his e-mail. But I just wish he would change his password because I'm such a curious person and sometimes I can't help myself.

[CoCo2009]

Well if you are over him I guess its okay to contact him.

[grymoire]

Next time around Brazilgirl, please start separate threads for different guys. Your waiting game thread started with A and ended with J. When I first read that thread I had a fair idea what was going on but after a while I did not read and when I came back to it the thread had like some 800 posts and now it was dealing with J

 

And I can't believe you are now reading your ex's emails Any ideas about moving on from all these people?

[CoCo2009]

Next time around Brazilgirl, please start separate threads for different guys. Your waiting game thread started with A and ended with J. When I first read that thread I had a fair idea what was going on but after a while I did not read and when I came back to it the thread had like some 800 posts and now it was dealing with J

 

And I can't believe you are now reading your ex's emails Any ideas about moving on from all these people?

 

Yeah I was thinking that too, you need to move on from ALL of them and start fresh!

[annie24]

CoCo - I NEVER check!! This is like the second time I've checked because I'm considering to delete the e-mail I sent him. There's nothing there anyways. It's an old e-mail and he only gets his college stuff there. The password is my name, lol, he's so lame. Boys are so different than girls, they really do NOT care about these little things that matter to us.

 

oh bg. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not go in there and delete your email to him!!!!

 

ok, so you emailed an ex, no big deal. it sounds innocent enough, how are you, how's it going? that's a perfectly acceptable email to send to an ex.

 

however, going back in and DELETING IT!?!? hon - that puts you in crazy woman mode. seriously. don't be that girl.

 

STOP checking his email.