I'm so exhausted. I don't know how to keep going...

[brazilgirl21]

grymoire - Last year, G was undecided between me and this girl so he dated both of us for literally 1 month. I was really understanding about it until he started literally sleeping with both of us. I then found out he was with her when he had told me he wasn't and ended everything with him.

 

I went NC, he was desperate, cried, ran after me, did everything to make me forgive him. But he had lied SO much that I wrote that contract in which he said he would end everything with this girl by Nov 23rd... it was a joke between us... but a serious one. And he signed it because he knew he had lied too many times. But anyways, why analyse this all again? I'm letting it go!

[grymoire]

I guess it's what guys (sorry, humans) do.

 

Wow

 

OK brazilgirl, men are rotten. women are angels. there, happy now? ](*,)

[penelope13]

As an exercise i would go through all your threads and make a list of all the advice that you have received over time and be honest to yourself and see how often you really tried to follow it

 

I would stop focusing what others did wrong, and only focus on your own behavior.

 

I would stop having so high/ impossible expectations.

 

....

[grymoire]

grymoire - Last year, G was undecided between me and this girl so he dated both of us for literally 1 month. I was really understanding about it until he started literally sleeping with both of us. I then found out he was with her when he had told me he wasn't and ended everything with him.

 

I went NC, he was desperate, cried, ran after me, did everything to make me forgive him. But he had lied SO much that I wrote that contract in which he said he would end everything with this girl by Nov 23rd... it was a joke between us... but a serious one. And he signed it because he knew he had lied too many times. But anyways, why analyse this all again? I'm letting it go!

 

I don't know what to say brazilgirl... if a woman asked me to sign a contract i will kick her to the curb and walk out. unless and until she is my wife.

 

this says a lot about you and your ex.

[brazilgirl21]

penelope - things I will try to avoid:

 

1) Checking my ex's e-mail.

 

2) Initiating contact with my exes.

 

3) Having really high expectations and assuming everyone is perfect (or supposed to be)

 

4) Focusing on other things in life rather than on guys

 

5) When people do something I dislike, learn to KEEP my dignity and let go. Eg: Not confronting J when he deleted me on facebook, NOT contacting G about what he said abotu me, etc...

 

Is this a good start?

 

What about the birthday today? Go or not go? I had no problem seeing my ex but after knowing that they will probably be laughing at me, I don't want to see them tonight.

[brazilgirl21]

grymoire - It was a JOKE. He is a lawyer and we had a REALLY good relationship. We joked a lot, got along pretty well... I was really fed up with his lies and came up with a "light" way to tell him I was over his lies. You have no idea how hard it was to be lied about for so long. I might have hurt him, but he cheated and lied to me.

[orchidrose]

BG, you keep hiding behind this "nobody is perfect" bullcrap. Nobody is perfect. But people take responsibility for their own imperfections and attempt to improve themselves, in order to not repeat the same situations over and over again. It's pretty infuriating (and upsetting, for me to watch you go through this) to hear you say over and over again that you messed up and you'll keep making empty promises to do better. In all of your threads, you make these promises, and yet you seem to make no effort to remedy the traits that got you in these dilemmas in the first place.

 

Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Making attempts to change and better yourself is the second. You've never gone past the first step. It's just "I KNOW!!" over and over again.

[brazilgirl21]

Ane - Ok, I agree with you! How do I start????

[grymoire]

BG, you keep hiding behind this "nobody is perfect" bullcrap. Nobody is perfect. But people take responsibility for their own imperfections and attempt to improve themselves, in order to not repeat the same situations over and over again. It's pretty infuriating (and upsetting, for me to watch you go through this) to hear you say over and over again that you messed up and you'll keep making empty promises to do better. In all of your threads, you make these promises, and yet you seem to make no effort to remedy the traits that got you in these dilemmas in the first place.

 

Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Making attempts to change and better yourself is the second. You've never gone past the first step. It's just "I KNOW!!" over and over again.

 

Yes, I agree that you need to stop making these empty promises Brazilgirl. Also you need to stop putting each and every guy you meet up there on a pedestal. When you were writing about G you said you will never meet a guy like him ever again. Then you said the same thing about J. And now that all the guys have disappointed you you are saying that men are dogs. Seriously these extremes need to stop.

[Imprecision]

For women, there's really not much they can do in terms of dating. Basically, the goal is for a woman to run into a guy who

 

1. is a man (as in a real man), and

2. cares about her.

 

If the guy is not a real man, then she'll eventually lose attraction for him. If the guy does not care about her, then he'll treat her poorly, or cheat on her, etc. - So she won't be happy either.

 

Brazilgirl seems generally attractive. She has no obvious personality defect. Therefore, the only thing she can do now is to meet as many guys as possible - if she wants a good, lifelong relationship.

 

Another option is to focus on work and school. Work and school pale in comparison to a good relationship, but if you don't have a good relationship, you might as well go for work and school.

[brazilgirl21]

Imprecision - I am going for work and school.

 

I am applying to business school in the US next year and I just sent my test scores yesterday! Next week I'm sending my diploma and gpa and I should have an answer in the end of the month! I'm VERY excited.

 

Classes start on January 7th and I can't wait to GET OUT of here!!! My history in this city is too close to my exes life and it would be good to go somewhere else for a few months/years. I feel like my cycle is over here. I'm done with college, I've worked... time to get out!

[brazilgirl21]

So what can I do from now on? I want to be less of a masochist. I want to be able to keep my dignity more.

 

Can you guys advise me how to start?

[penelope13]

Imprecision, I applaud you on your attitude! However, women are not innocent bystanders and just have to wait to run into a proper man. Every person regardless of gender has the responsibility to try to become the best person that they can be.

 

Nobody is so perfect that there is not something that they could improve.

[penelope13]

Can you guys advise me how to start?

 

Start to try to understand why people on your threads have made certain suggestions, i.e. really own up to where there are options in your personality that you could improve on.

 

I don't want to say: do this, or do that (I have done that plenty of times in the past few months), because in order for it to work, you have to be really behind it yourself and be convinced yourself that there is an aspect you should be working on and why. The motivations has to come from within yourself.

And as aneffigy has said: it starts with being honest with yourself; stripping your own perceptions of yourself from any excuse/ justification etc

[brazilgirl21]

You know what I think is a REAL flaw on my personality that makes me get hurt continously?

 

I don't hold grudges against people. It's like, J deleted me from facebook, and what not, but in 1 month I'll believe it's cool to be friends with him. I need to learn to CUT people off my life.

 

Same with my ex. How many times have I been upset with him and said I won't ever talk to him again? But then in 1-2 months I forget and just remember the good times and feel like being his friend and having him in my life.

 

I have a REALLY hard time just LETTING people GO. Literally, ERASE THEM. Why do I need to be friends with these guys? It only brings me down. Yes, they were important to me at one point, but you know, it's over, goodbye. I need to be able to CUT them out. Let them go.

 

I'm not a princess, this is not a fairytale, these guys are just humans that came on my life and they are gone. I don't need to hold on to them, SPECIALLY my ex. I don't think I'll have a hard time letting go of J or A, but my ex, boy, I need to NEVER talk to him again.

 

Then there's my good friend anxiety/impulse. I need to STOP acting out of impulse. I need to realize that sometimes people do NOT owe me explanations. I need to let them go without expecting explanations. And with the e-mail, ok, if I'm looking at someone's e-mail, I should expect to be hurt. I'm chosing pain.

 

I think these two points - putting people on a pedestal and believing everyone is perfect and that they need to be on my life... and acting on impulse.

 

I've been dating since April non-stop. I am DONE dating for a while. I believe that's a third step!

 

Am I in the right direction?

[penelope13]

your actions will show if you are on the right path

[brazilgirl21]

What do you mean?

[grymoire]

What do you mean?

 

I think she means that when you find that you are peaceful with yourself you will know that it is due to your right actions and right behavior.

 

Right now you are agitated and hurt and you know it is because of your wrong actions like peeping into your ex's email, continuing to talk to J even after he removed you from Facebook etc.

[penelope13]

It's easy to make a list (though a start), however, unless you can prove to yourself that you are implementing anything from the list in real life, you have nothing but a list of intentions.

 

as you said, nobody is perfect, thus nobody can expect anyone to change overnight. some behaviors have been learned for many, many years, thus it will take a lot of energy and dedication to unlearn them and replace them with a different pattern.

 

thus realistically I don't think anyone can change multiple things at the same time. I would focus on one specific aspect.

[Imprecision]

Imprecision, I applaud you on your attitude! However, women are not innocent bystanders and just have to wait to run into a proper man. Every person regardless of gender has the responsibility to try to become the best person that they can be.

 

Nobody is so perfect that there is not something that they could improve.

 

You're right. There are in fact several things a woman can do in terms of relationships.

 

Enforcing rights

 

1. A woman should be aware of her rights as a woman, and then enforce these rights if they are trampled on.

 

For instance, some women let their boyfriends disappear for weeks without notifying them. Other women let their boyfriends make last-minute plans, even when they could have made plans earlier in the week.

 

In these cases, these women should learn to enforce these rights - first, by gently encouraging their men to shape up; then, by refusing to take up second-rate treatment; and lastly, by leaving (but only as a last resort in drastic circumstances).

 

I say this is Brazilgirl's main obstacle, because she's basically a nice girl. She keeps getting second-rate treatment, because she is not aware of, and does not enforce her rights.

 

Keeping her man

 

2. A woman should learn to keep her man, by taking care of her man in the way a woman takes care of her man. The most traditional way is cooking. But also just to spend time with her man and to make their time together enjoyable.

 

For instance, when I was in Hong Kong, I actually didn't know the city that well. I didn't know where the entertainment venues or dining establishments were. Neither did I know the new, popular trends. My girlfriend, therefore, planned all our dates. I would give a general guideline, she would fill in the details, and then I would approve of the plan.

 

Or, a woman can generally keep up with what her man is doing, so that they have more common topics of conversation.

 

A smart man would take the initiative in making time and finding opportunities, on a regular basis, to connect with his woman. But any assistance a woman can offer in that direction is helpful.

 

That being said - this part mostly depends on the man not taking the woman for granted. Basically, if a man takes a woman for granted, then he stops finding time to connect with her. Then intimacy dies.

 

*********

 

Just to add something to enforcing rights:

 

a. One thing you can do is to write a list of behaviours you will not accept in a man. Then, whenever you're seeing someone, and he's exhibiting one or more of these behaviours - enforce your rights, whatever excuse they have.

 

For instance, one rule might be: A man cannot see me and another girl at the same time.

 

Another rule might be: A man must give me one-day notice for our dates.

 

A third rule might be: I expect some status clarification by third date.

 

Etc.

 

So for instance, if you're seeing a man who does not give notice for his plans, you might first try to ask him nicely to do so. Then, the next time he doesn't do so, you should tell him you're busy, but add "But I'm free next week. If you give me a few days notice next time, I will be more likely to make it." If he likes you enough, he'll do it. If he doesn't, then there are several solutions. One is to call him, and to make sure he knows you like him, but that you have requirements which you won't budge on. This is to ensure that he doesn't falsely imagine that you're cooling on him. But if he knows all of this and still refuse to comply, then you should just find someone else. He's taking you for granted already - How much more when you two become serious or get married!

[Batya33]

I don't think it has to do with not holding grudges but just a need for approval even from people who are not important in your life. It's important, when you're analyzing a behavior that is not working for you, not to focus too much on "it's because I'm a nice person/a softie" etc and look at reasons within your self esteem. Otherwise you won't be motivated to change.

 

I don't think you think people are "perfect" - it's just that you think you're not worthy so in comparison you put people on a pedestal - but then are happy to knock them down if they are not interested in you.

[brazilgirl21]

Pen - What specific aspect are you talking about? That's exactly what I want to do. Focus on ONE thing, I received too many advices it's hard to focus on everything. I want to start with ONE thing. What should it be? Aside from never going into that e-mail again...

 

Batya - I knock them down when I'm hurt or angry, but as soon as a little time goes by, I put them right back up there. Look at how highly I spoke of my ex in the beggining of this thread. He wasn't interested in me then. I do think I'm worth, but I think deep down, in my subconscious, I think I am not.

[brazilgirl21]

Imprecision - Your advices makes a lot of sense!! thanks

[Batya33]

I think it's a little silly to think of relationships in terms of a woman's "rights" - that would really be an obstacle to closeness and trust if my SO and I were to speak of our relatonship in those terms. Of course there are legal aspects to our relationship because we are married but those rights have nothing to do with how we behave toward each other.

[penelope13]

Impulse control would be a good start