I'm so exhausted. I don't know how to keep going...

[brazilgirl21]

Because I obviously wanted a relationship with him. I liked him. I posted because I wanted a relationship with him. I never said we had one, I said I saw potential for it.

 

This experience have hurt me a lot. Being rejected by my ex, A and J have hurt me a lot, it doesn't mean J alone have. Just everything together have culminated in just feeling worthless.

 

I don't know why you guys are trying to bring me down, I'm already really down.

 

I obviously care a lot about him, but I'm just saying he doesn't and he never had a relationship with me to feel the need to cut me off his facebook.

 

About saying I was "seing someone else" that can mean a lot of things really, and have I really burned bridges? He was the one continuously e-mailing me about "I hope we can remain friends" and "please keep in touch" or "please let me know if you need anything". I didn't say yes but I didn't no either. The bridges aren't necessarily burned.

 

I asked him about it, he replied, it's over. He CONTINUOUSLY said he wanted to remain friends. He deleted his other ex too so I have no idea what's up with that.

 

Look, I never pressured him. I asked him to a freaking concert and he wanted to come. He acted like he was fine and really into me saying things like: "best company ever, you are beautiful, it's a shame I can't spend the rest of the night with you"... one day later I see him with another girl. Fine. I ask him about it, not confronting him, just asked him about it. The girl e-mails my best friend, then e-mails me, then calls me. I go NC with both of them. He asks me how I'm doing Friday. Say he really would love to remain friends, really care about me, etc... He then unfriends me on facebook out of the blue.

 

I mean, I asked him about it. Big deal. I feel bad he did that ok? Is that so horrible?

 

No drama would have been necessary if this girl hadn't called me or if he hadn't unfriended me on facebook. Things were normal and we were fine but this just stings. I wonder what you girls would feel if it had been with you.

[penelope13]

I am not trying to bring you down, but open your eyes a bit and hopefully helping you to avoid the same traps in the future.

[orchidrose]

I don't know why you guys are trying to bring me down, I'm already really down.

 

We're not trying to bring you down; we're trying to help you see your patterns of behavior so that you can come out of all of this with some insight into what you do and why you do it. It will help to give you some power over the situation and any other situations that come up.

 

You're being really contradictory, and I'm not sure if it's because you're defensive or if you genuinely go back and forth feeling different things about this. You JUST said "you didn't have anything at all," and then a few minutes later, you talk about how you wanted a relationship with him. It's confusing.

 

If he had never had anything with you (which you admit he didn't), then Facebook doesn't matter. Again, he does not owe you anything.

[brazilgirl21]

I get it. Not getting too attached in such a short period of time. Right?

[brazilgirl21]

I'm not being contradictory.

 

I wanted a relationship with him but we never had one.

 

We hungout for like a month and I thought we were friends and cared about eachother, but obviously I was wrong.

 

We didn't have anything meaningful in order to need cutting ties off facebook.

 

We were facebook friends WAY before we started kissing or whatever we had. We had been friends on facebook since April when we just used to hangout as friends.

[orchidrose]

No drama would have been necessary if this girl hadn't called me or if he hadn't unfriended me on facebook. Things were normal and we were fine but this just stings. I wonder what you girls would feel if it had been with you.

 

But honey, you played right into all of the drama! You could've told your friend not to respond, you could've not picked up the phone when the girl called. You could've ignored the Facebook thing. But you chose not to - you pushed him for answers, you pushed her for answers, and you caused a ton of drama.

 

I know it's tough not to, because I've done the same thing - I grew up in a cycle of drama and that's what I'm used to and it almost comforts me. With my ex I pulled all of this junk, and it made both him and I crazy. It's not a healthy way to function.

[brazilgirl21]

I sent J the conversation on BBM in which I basically BEGGED my friend not to e-mail the girl. I begged her not to. I did NOT want her to talk to this girl. I even posted about how I wish she didn't say anything before she did. All my other friends, including the ones who knew J ganged together to make my friend reply. They were like, "Look M, we are not lying for this guy". What could I do about it?

 

The girl called me from a private number I had no idea it was her.

 

But yeah, whatever, I'm horrible and I'm a stalker and I can't ask a guy who I've been friends for a while, who I hung out and talked to almost daily for a month why he unfriended me on facebook.

[orchidrose]

I sent J the conversation on BBM in which I basically BEGGED my friends not to e-mail the girl. I begged her not to. I did NOT want her to talk to this girl. I even posted about how I wish she didn't say anything before she did.

 

The girl called me from a private number I had no idea it was her.

 

But yeah, whatever, I'm horrible and I'm a stalker and I can't ask a guy who I've been friends for a while, who I hung out and talked to almost daily for a month why he unfriended me on facebook.

 

You're not a horrible person, at all. Please don't take all of this the wrong way. We all come to ENA because we struggle with relationships, and our feelings, and our actions.

[CoCo2009]

Maybe he was just trying to be nice by saying he still wanted to be friends, maybe he just wanted to move on from it all and thats why he deleted you as a friend. Maybe he felt awkward that you and the artist communicated on facebook so he just wanted to move on completely. He probably doesn't really care as much as he is letting on and thought you felt the same? You have only been dating a month so its probably not a big deal to him. Forget about him, you will be okay.

[brazilgirl21]

I just feel extremely stupid right now.

 

Yeah, the artist can probably twist the story so it seems like I was the one contacting her or whatever. You know what, who cares. This was ridiculous.

 

But yeah, the artist is still girlfriend material even though she was the one initiating all this drama.

[brazilgirl21]

CoCo - That's EXACTLY what I mean.

 

We only "dated" for 1 month why go on lenght to delete me from facebook? You know? Extreme move in my humble opinion. Just move on, let go, you have over 600 friends, what's the different if I'm one of them or not?

[CoCo2009]

Yeah maybe he is dating the artist then, who knows. You just need to let go. Period try not to think about it. I know it sucks so bad but you need to let go and stop all contact.

[brazilgirl21]

CoCo - I think so too because he deleted me and his ex girlfriend. Which makes it ever weirder.

 

I think it's a fact he's dating the artist. If he deleted me and his ex but is still friends with her you know?

 

I feel like I'm in high school. The guy is 30 but in order to prove his loyalty to his new girlfriend he needs to unfriend the girls he dated?

 

CoCo - I am going to do that, it's just hard when it seems like I'm to blame on this whole situation.

[CoCo2009]

You're not the blame, stuff happens. Life sucks sometimes but then things get better eventually, it just takes time..One day at a time...its really hard but its possible.

[CoCo2009]

Oh and be happy you saw them in the pizza place too! You probably would still be dating him and getting more and more attached. Then you would be even more hurt and confused when you found out about the artist. Things happen for a reason.

[brazilgirl21]

Yeah, I'm taking time off dating and next time I'll just be as casual as I can. Not do everything for guys in the beggining, they just walk all over you.

 

But for my pride I don't want J to think I'm a crazy stalker or anything.

 

I'm only giving myself if I feel like the guy is head over heals for me.

 

Sometimes I secretly wish I hadn't caught them so I'd still be in my "fantasy land". But you know, down the line I know it's for the best.

 

It really made me evaluate things and it was the kick I needed to leave the city for a while and focus on my dreams, studies. Just leaving, yeah, escaping for a bit and having fun.

 

How are things with your guy sweety?

[annie24]

Oh and be happy you saw them in the pizza place too! You probably would still be dating him and getting more and more attached. Then you would be even more hurt and confused when you found out about the artist. Things happen for a reason.

 

That is such a great point.

[penelope13]

Listen, I understand that you are very hurt and upset.

 

Of course we could talk without end about how J misbehaved (in the broadest sense), but what would that benefit you really.

 

In any given situation I believe one has a choice:

- one can focus on the behavior of others

- or one can say: true, the other 'players in the situation' didn't treat me well, however is there anything that I could do different in the future?

 

You can argue/ justify every of your actions/ thoughts - and that is your total right. You can live your life however you chose.

 

But I was under the impression that you came onto this board and started this thread because you wanted some help/ outside input on how to deal with various situations in your dating life.

 

If you chose to continue to do things they way you did - you are not going to be a 'bad' person. That was never the issue.

 

We all spend a lot of time trying to give you different perspectives on many things that have happened to you in the past few months.

 

Whenever someone says something, you try to justify (which is your total right as said!) your individual action, but never do you stop and say: ok, I know why I did what I did, but I want to try to see this from the perspective that has been offered.

 

This whole thread (as well as the previous ones) have not been about 'who is right', but truly to help you handle things easier for yourself.

 

I understand your motivation and your hope of finding a wonderful relationship, isn't that what we all want in the end?

 

And I can follow every of your reasonings why you did/ said things. All I ever tried to do is to show you there are different ways to accomplish the things that you wanted to accomplish.

 

to be a bit more explicit:

 

aneffigy mentioned the involvement of drama in all of this.

 

Your response (paraphrasing): but no, I am not dramatic, see what I did...

 

However do you not see that BBming J the conversation you had with your friend in itself can be perceived as dramatic.

 

So the girl called you. YOu would have been totally in your right to say: thank you for calling, but I am not interested in discussing this situation with you.

[CoCo2009]

 

How are things with your guy sweety?

 

Things with me and the guy I'm seeing are going okay, we are dating casually. I don't know whats going to happen so I'm trying to focus on making myself happy. Its hard sometimes but I don't really have a choice right now.

[brazilgirl21]

Pen - Of course I wasn't 100%. I acted out of emotion/impulse but do you honestly think what I wanted was this drama? And not a loving relationship with J?

 

Honestly, I'd much rather be happy with him than have gone through this drama. I don't thrive on drama.

 

I don't always take the right actions but I'm trying to do what feels best with what I can.

 

If I hadn't asked him about the facebook thing I'd be killing myself with the "what if'", what if he hates me? What if the artist said a lot of lies about me? I'd just be torturing myself. I don't do well with "what ifs", I prefer answers.

 

I need to work on living with the "what ifs"... that'd be a start.

 

But yeah, it's safe to say I won't be dating for a while so there won't be much to talk about. I learned a lot this year, for better or for worse, I learned a lot.

 

I'm SO ready for 2010 though...

[penelope13]

So what if he had said to you that he hates you?

 

What if she had said lies about you?

[brazilgirl21]

I would feel worse than I do now.

 

At least now things are "ok" and it's just an "appearance" thing.

 

I didn't want to end this with him hating me. I'm a diplomatic person. I don't want people hating me and I definetly don't want to hate people.

[CoCo2009]

You need to get over that, not everyone is going to like you and not every situation will end well. You need to learn how to pick up yourself and move on, don't let how other people feel about you mess with you or you will ALWAYS be hurting. If he said he hated you thats his opinion there are so many other people in the world who cares what he thinks. If she lied about you she is a liar...you keep it moving he isn't anyone to you she should or will not have any effect on your life. You know you are a good person so you need to take care of number 1 and thats you. Its really hard but its true.

[brazilgirl21]

I know, you guys are all right.

 

He has no reason to "hate" me though.

 

You know, I need to learn to cut people out of my life when they need to be cut. I have a hard time doing that.

[CoCo2009]

Me too, I don't know why its so hard for me. I mean if I give it a few days without contacting them its sorta easy to cut them out. But if I keep contacting them its impossible. It was so hard letting go of my ex he walked out on me after 7 years and never looked back. I thought I would die and I didnt so I try to use that as an example to myself that no matter what happens I will be okay, if I survived that I can survive anything. My heart was SHATTERED.