I'm so exhausted. I don't know how to keep going...

[brazilgirl21]

Annie - I think so too!

 

My anxiety makes me a little scared of moving to a different country, it feels confortable to just stay where I am, it feels safer.

 

But I KNOW some months abroad is what I need.

 

My pride is still pretty hurt by J and I still think about him, but part me is just glad this is over and I can focus on other things. The things, this is the second triangle I've been in this year and it seems like I'm always the one that gets hurt and the other two live happily ever after. It's hard to endure that. Always being the odd one out you know?

 

I want to thank you guys SO much for the help! I know I won't be dating for a while but I don't want to leave ENA because I like you guys SO much!

[AmandaB]

Good for you. Im from Southern California, you will enjoy it.

[brazilgirl21]

Y'know, B-girl, I actually held back from my post above. I was so going to post "I think one of the main reasons you're having a hard time with seeing this guy for what he is, is because he's probably really pretty. I bet that's the main reason you're hung up on him," but I didn't want to assume too much - and yet that thought turned out to be right.

 

There's pretty boy all over the place. Just good luck to you in finding one with a brain in his head and that treats you right. Then you'll have found your Dream Guy. You will. Don't fear.

 

You are right. He was very pretty and apparently seemed to have a brain in his head. I mean, he didn't like me, he gave me a chance and didn't like me, there's no much I could have done. You know, in the end he was pretty decent to me.

 

He spent at least 4 hours of his day yesterday on the phone with me, trying to make me feel better, and you know, he didn't even owe me that. He didn't ask me to lie to the other girl or anything like that. He was as decent as he could be really.

 

I didn't like hearing his motives for doing what he did. Basically, he couldn't chose between us because I was the girl he wanted to marry... and she was the girl he was probably crazy about. So apparently he couldn't tell me the truth because he was afraid to lose me but in reality, we don't click and he didn't feel like he wanted a relationship with me.

 

What I believe happened was the following:

 

- He did really like me and we did have chemistry/clicked in the beginning.

 

- As the month progressed, he realized I was his "safety" net and was always there waiting for him.

 

- On the other hand, the artist genuinely didn't care and only saw him when she felt like it. In the beggining, he was very attentive and genuinely seemed like he wanted to be with me.

 

- Slowly, the artist started giving him more attention.

 

- Things escalated with her... but since she acted hot and cold he didn't want to drop me because I was his "safety" net.

 

- I caught him and the drama unfolded.

 

It hurts to realize how I was "used" as a safety zone, but at the same time, he was playing the field and deciding which girl he wanted, I was the one who got way too attached.

[annie24]

i guess there is something to be said for playing it cool and not too interested. kind of like a cat.

[Timbone]

Good for you, B-Girl.

 

If you wind up in Southern California and have some time on your hands and a friend to go with, drop me a line and I'll see what I can do about getting you tickets to a certain Mouse-run theme amusement park (if you like that kind of thing). Sounds like you could need a distraction like that!

[brazilgirl21]

Yep, you guys told me to act that way but you know, not who I am. I don't have this "I don't care attitude" when I do care.

 

But yeah, I thought I was dealing with a guy heartbroken over his ex, I had NO idea there was a third (maybe 4th, 5th) woman in the picture. I might have acted differently if I knew that was the case, who knows.

 

You know, there's a specific type of girls american/foreigners like when they come to Brazil. She's exactly that passionate/artist/free spirit type. There was no competition really. She had him since day 1. He had been changing his speech. It's really clear now. First he wanted to settle, to get married, to have kids... he talked about weddings, his nieces, his family trips. Then it was about photography and finding a passion, and being alone and living his life... He changed during this month and this girl clearly made him see a different life. HE IS A TYPE A. I'm exactly who he was at 22, preparing to go to business school, working hard. She's 20 and take photos for a living. It's just weird because 1 month ago he wanted to settle and now he's in love with this 20 year old student who definetly doesn't even think about settling.

 

I feel like I was in the middle of Vicky, Crisitna, Barcelona.

[Batya33]

Yes, that's true. I don't think he did anything wrong by dating both of you but I do think he was rude/arrogant in some of the things he said to you about your career goals. Good riddance. I also don't like how he lied to you about his plans after the concert and it was tacky of him to make another date right after the concert.

 

I think it's fairly typical for people to date for a month and then decide they don't click enough to continue. I am really sorry you're disappointed!

 

I've been Type A and career driven my whole life. My husband is career driven but more type B. There is no way I would have survived in a relationship where my goals were not supported and admired. I never lacked for dates or relationshps or marriage proposals from men with all the good stuff - integrity, solid values, intelligence, compasson, etc. Were some "scared away" - yes the insecure types or the men who wanted someone very submissive (maybe because they were insecure?). Big deal - so let them have their submissive partner - nothing wrong with that just wrong for me.

 

Ironically, despite being career driven here I am now, taking over a year away from my career to take care of my son. I work very hard - I am driven to be a great mommy to him - but at least for now I'm not the typical Type A career driven person. My point is that my husband always knew I was multi-faceted and never tried to label/categorize me and make snap decisions just because I had a few degrees and a demanding job/career (far more than your 9 to 7 job, that's for sure!). I suggest you find someone like that too who understands that true intelligence requires a broad minded perspective about life, people, etc. It's too easy and a cop-out to decide that Ms. MBA is presumably a "type". What a cop out.

 

Y'know I only focused on me for the reason that I can relate to your inner conflict about this whole type A/career driven on the one hand and the desire to be in a happy long term relationship. I realized early on that they don't have to be in conflict and one can enhance the other. I promise.

[brazilgirl21]

Timbone/Amanda - There's a lot of people from California here. Have you guys ever thought about an ENA reunion? lol.

 

The university I plan to go is farther north but I'd definetly be coming down south.

[annie24]

i agree with batya, that was tacky that he lied and went on another date right after the concert! blah!!! at least that makes sense now why he wouldn't let you drive him to the 'bachelor party' nor 'call the boys to find out where they are' in front of you! double blah!!!! now you know where he was. ick.

 

i agree 100% with batya. i also don't like the way he dismissed and catagorized your goals. i also wonder if he doesn't want to 'compete' with his wife. if you are both MBAs, i can see him not wanting to compete if he comes home and says, 'I got a $2 million contract today' and you come home and say 'i got a $3 million contract today!' maybe he'd rather come home to a wife who says, 'I drew a painting of a flower today!' who knows. i'm just guessing.

 

in any case, don't beat yourself up. i'd go no contact. i think that the flakey artist did have a point about not caring too much nor getting too invested 1 month in. she had a good philosophy there.

[brazilgirl21]

Batya - I was waiting for your comment.

 

You know, for the past months I kind of thought of you as a cool mother who GENUINELY knew from experience what you were talking about and wanted the best for me. However, when you'd advise me about bbms/technology, planning dates in advance... I admit that since you are a little older than me, I thought that maybe you didn't understand the dating scene for 20 years olds nowadays. Just like when my father gives me an advice and I completely brush it off, even though I know he wants the best for me, because he doesn't know what it's like to be so young in my generation. And that's why I make so many mistakes, I don't seem to listen to what older people are telling me because when I want something so badly, I can't really see all the "signs" and HAVE to get hurt in order to understand what you've been telling me all along.

 

I honestly expected a "I told you so" from you. But like any good parent, you didn't do that. And I know deep down, it probably makes you upset that you WERE right all along.

 

The problem with J is that he'd probably keep tagging me along if I didn't catch him in the act on Sunday. I caught him with the girl. The girl confronted me the next day. Only after that he gave me the "type A" speech, to explain why he did what he did, when honestly, his plan was probably to keep tagging me along for as long as the other girl was doing the same to him. That was his mistake. It wasn't an honest: "It's been a month, I realized we don't click". It was a "Ok, now that you caught me and think I'm ass, I did this because you are a type A and bla bla bla".

[CoCo2009]

Yeah he's a failure for lying about the whole bachelor party thing, you knew something was not right. I guess womens intuition kicked in.

[annie24]

but can we even call that 'women's intuition?' i mean, it was just plain old shady! didn't make any sense!! sketchy man. blah.

[Batya33]

Thanks for understanding that I didn't have a need to be "right" about J. I do think that you chose to keep seeing him and asking to see him so I don't think he was leading you on -- he just agreed to go to a concert with you. I do agree that he probably should have behaved differently at the concert from what you described - he knows you were so into him - and calling you from his bed was ridiculous - but I've got to say that he tried to tell you through other actions and his words about not wanting a serious relationship that he didn't think you two were compatible. Again, he acted like a jerk in certain ways and I am sorry about that.

 

One of my relatives is your age and I stopped giving her input awhile ago because she doesn't want to hear it from an old lady like me. And I guess I don't blame her -- or you!

 

You are fabulous, ok? He cannot and must not take away from that, ok? At least listen to that advice from this geriatric mom. (yes when I was pregnant I was referred to as a geriatric mom by the doctors because of my age, gee thanks ;-))

 

Hang in there!!!

[CoCo2009]

but can we even call that 'women's intuition?' i mean, it was just plain old shady! didn't make any sense!! sketchy man. blah.

 

LOL. Yeah you're right

[annie24]

when I was pregnant I was referred to as a geriatric mom by the doctors because of my age, gee thanks

 

i hope you smacked them for that comment!

[Life-is]

Great decision to go for the US program..your life will change dramatically, you will meet tons of fun, type A people, and because you will be at a US university, your being type A will be an asset rather than a baggage. Btw, you do gymnastics and that is a complex and sophisticated art...and IF you decide someday, you can easily paint flowers too LOL

 

One thing about waiting game--when you'll meet your "soulmate" it will be 50-50. A synchronized dance of getting closer to him..but to find HIM, you'll have to, ironically enough, stop looking for a relationship and really embrace your singledom.

[grymoire]

Brazilgirl, I am really sorry that you have been having a tough time lately.

 

But I would also like to point out certain facts. It was YOU that dumped your ex. I have no idea who is A. And I know very very little about J because it is very exhausting to read some 800 posts. Regardless, I feel that you fell for J very very quickly. You say you haven't even gone on a proper second date yet you feel crushed now. It is not healthy to fall that hard for some one without knowing much about them. Another thing is you seem to describe all the guys in the exact same way. The way you speak about your ex and J sound very similar. Tomorrow if there is going to be a K or L or M I am wondering if they will also be handsome, wonderful, amazing men like your ex and J. You really need to stop putting all the guys you meet on a pedestal and making statements like how you will never meet anyone like them.

 

You are a beautiful, wonderful woman... very anxious though. Calm down, get your thoughts together, focus on your goals for your sake, get things done, and come back to Dating after some time.

[grymoire]

Timbone/Amanda - There's a lot of people from California here. Have you guys ever thought about an ENA reunion? lol.

 

The university I plan to go is farther north but I'd definetly be coming down south.

 

Cool. I also live in California.

 

Let's all meet up

[Gnomex]

Finding out the one your heart loved was never yours in truth hurts. We have all had that hardship placed on us. Time will heal all wounds, even those we never think will close. In time you will meet someone that values you for you, and not for someone you are not. Have faith in yourself, and focus on the now and put the past in your memory. Oh, from an earlier question you mentioned about Jay claiming the role he had, its possible. However, in all honesty, he made his choice and allowing him in as a bandade will only cause that wound to rip open more the next time he finds someone else.

[Batya33]

i hope you smacked them for that comment!

 

Not to go off topic but that's actually the correct terminology for women over 35, lol.

 

OP, he did you a favor so you can focus on your goals and be free to meet new people. I wouldn't say "happily ever after" so fast about the artist.

[brazilgirl21]

First of all - I don't put all guys on a pedestal. I just choose the guys that for me, are a full package. Honestly, my ex was handsome (not close to J), very smart and an amazing guy. A was very smart, not handsome, and very interesting. J was the most good looking and I don't know, I guess he embodied the "american dream".

 

I complain and complain but honestly if I wanted to seriously date just anybody, I know I could be dating. However, I'm a type A (screw you J! haha) and I'm extremely picky with the guys I date. Extremely picky. That's why I basically fall head over heels really quickly, because if I'm going on dates and kissing a guy, it's because I am really into him.

 

My ex, A and J are actually all extremely different but all really great guys (weren't greay to me, but they do have their heart on the right place).

 

G (the ex) was the perfect first boyfriend. I came from a smaller city where people weren't as driven/studious as me and G is born and raised in Sao Paulo, extremely smart, ambitious, a great guy. He has a group of 10 best friends from his school years and one of those guys spent every summer at the island I spent my summer. I have no words to describe G and our relationship because the guilt I've been trying to deal for the past year comes back. He was 18 and we started dating, I was his first girlfriend, he was so mature for his age, we discovered everything together, love, blending families, travelling, first day at college, first day at work. His family were SO great to me, I feel like I never even thanked them enough for how they welcome me into their family, homes, lives. The thing about G in the end was that... I wanted more independence. I wanted to study abroad and I lived alone and he lives with his mom and she serves breakfast in bed every morning. He just has a very easy life and I don't he wants to leave his house/city/family/life. He's just really content where he is. I admire him a lot and I miss him as my best friend so much. Will be a little over 7 months since we broke up.

 

A was just incredibly smart. He was older than my ex and was really successful. He texted me this weekend because he travelled to Turkey to participate of a Global IMF meeting. He was so lonely though and has such a hard time letting people in. He's too rational to feel any emotion. But we just got along really well and I mean, I know he cares about me a lot. Probably a lot more than J does. Unlike J, who apparently wanted to commit to the artist, I KNOW A couldn't commit to anybody. He was honest. He needs to find himself and deal with his inner conflicts before getting into a relationship. I know he tried, but he couldn't.

 

J is an amertican abercrombie looking model (no exageration) with two ivy league degrees and has lived all over the world. However, he is not as intelligent as A. He is just really ambitious and a hard worker and pretends not to care about money, but gosh, give me a break, you work at an investment firm, accept who you are. You care about money. But yeah, he has this "human" side that A didn't have. He is a great person, I think he's just a little lost in Sao Paulo and with how society works here. He was telling me yesterday that this "rich kids" (my best friends) were messing with his life. I mean, J has been living out of his parents home since he was 18 and paying for everything. G and A live with their parents and and their families completely back them up. At the same time he cares about money, status, wears designer clothes, I guess he feels a little threathened by how rich people already are, without having to work/study as hard as he does. The artist is not rich and he's probably REALLY successful for her you know? He can probably impress her in a way he can't impress me.

 

I'm rambling and I probably make no sense.

 

But anyways, although I feel really horrible today, really horrible, I know that these 3 guys are people I admire and learned a little from.

[brazilgirl21]

Batya - Hush about being old. Look at you, you talk like any of my friends. If you didn't talk about your kids and husband, I'd honestly think you were on your 20's. You are really updated and is just a really cool person. I admire you a lot.

 

I hope I can be as confident as you when I'm in my late 30's.

[brazilgirl21]

I feel a little sad today. I mean, I thought it'd be worse but it's weird not to think about J in a romantic way when that's all I've done for the past month.

 

I'm a little anxious about finally having the guts and going abroad. I'm scared of going away from my family/friends and feeling even more insecure than I already do.

 

Life is just so scary really.

[grymoire]

So is J an American? or looks like an American?

 

Also, from your posts it looks like you decide which guy to date based on their looks, yes?

[ncnc]

J is an American in Brazil if I remember rightly.