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Nynnja
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I want to tell her, "I will never forgive for what you did to me. I loved you with all my heart and soul and you lied to me, used me, made a fool out of me and humiliated me in ways words can't even describe. You took everything away from me all because you couldn't face me with the truth. You claim to never use those words 'I Love You' unless you mean it cause you claim to know how powerful those words are. HA!!!! You're nothing but a two faced lying hypocrite and I'm glad to be done with you because I deserve better!"

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You know what I've realized? A massive slice of our time spent together, I was on eggshells, waiting to have my jokes or observations shot down, trying to keep everything going smoothly so you wouldn't get stressed out and enter a bad mood. You were always on the edge of a bad mood.

 

You said that you felt like you were always taking care of me, but honestly, you have no idea how much effort I put into sheltering your feelings at the expense of my sense of self. It isn't even your fault. I was so desperate to see you smile, to feel included and equal to you, to feel like you wanted me. I always felt so stupid around you, because of how easily you would jump to an offensive defense and shoot me down.

 

Our communication styes were so different. You were too harsh for me, and I was way too sensitive for you. I hate to mention astrology even lightly (you never had time for that) but it really was the classic Leo vs Pisces clash.

 

I'm happier without you right now. It took a lot of tears to get here. I had a future in mind with you but I see now that I was afraid of any alternative. I was so scared to be alone.

 

So thank you for having the courage to end something that wasn't working. I love you. I miss you very much and I'm still in the process of healing, but I can see now that it was for the best. I need this time to be alone just as much as you do. Our relationship was not healthy anymore.

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I'm angry at my situation and I feel the right thing to do is take it out on you a bit!! I just always thought I would have a family. I don't know what the future holds but it hurts that we were together for so long and then you leave me at a time in my life where it gets harder to meet people. My biological clock is ticking as well.

 

I'm angry that you don't understand what it is like to have fertility problems, I'm angry because you knew I might have them. I'm angry because I'm scared of falling for someone but not being able to give them a family. And having a family is important to me as mine is very small.

 

I'm so angry at the way things have turned out. Sometimes I can be accepting that I may never find love or have children but sometimes it's hard to accept. It is hard to watch friend after friend get engaged and not have that.

 

So, while I appreciate that we weren't meant to be, it's not only your loss that I have to deal with but the loss of something much bigger. You don't have that because of being a man and not having had fertility issues.

 

I miss being at university, where everything was very social, and find it hard to be where I am. The age thing is very hard for me. I'm scared. I wish I had a brother or a sister who had family.

 

I'm feeling sorry for myself. It's all your fault you b**tard!

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Wayne stopped by the office today and asked if I was still talking to you. He swears up and down to give this time, that you were stringing me along and that you are in fact, moronic. I really didn't know what to say to him. I've gotten to the point where I don't want to talk about you. I have no idea what to say, or how I should respond to questions. The subject of "us" is a mystery to me. It pains me. I want to keep fighting, but I know that makes me look desperate and stupid. So I sit and try to process everything. Is this really over? Will we be friends? CAN I be a friend to you?

 

I find myself watching war movies now, it's the only thing you wouldn't watch with me, it's the only thing you haven't spoiled. I think about the 5ks, the hiking, camping, partying and all the other things you've sullied for me. I feel like I'm going to start quoting fight club. "I am jacks inflamed sense of rejection".

 

You've really messed me up. I question whether I'll ever be the same. If my heart will ever be open to another, if your heart will ever be open to me. Do I want that?

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I feel so weird when it comes to you latley. I've really started to miss you more and more. I cried in the shower tonight. IDK what is wrong with me, its been such a long road I don't want to still be here. I've really been thinking about sending that letter to you. Like a huge part of me wants to, but I wonder if my motivation isn't just 'closure' or to get things off my chest- I worry my motivation is so you'll read it, get emotional and all of a sudden like what want to talk to me? Have a change of heart on everything? Admit the things I said in that letter about you are true and come to some amazing revelation and tell me you want to work things out- and actually mean it this time???? I fear that in the back of my mind that is what I want, and THAT is my motivation for writing and wanting to send that letter. How pathetic right? Still I want to. I even day dreamed about either drunk emailing it to you, or mailing it in the mail. Then I had this crazy fantasy that you would show up at my door- a 200 mile drive- to tell me you want to work things out. LOL LOL LOL talk about a delusion! There is a better chance to Jesus himself coming down and giving me a million dollars then there is of that ever happening. It makes me laugh because when we started talking again in November you told me since you had spoken to some of my friends and they mentioned they hadn't heard from me in months since I was off facebook and pretty much staying away from everyone, you told me all this stuff like how you got to worrying that something was wrong, then the hurricain happened in October and you told me you were tempted to drive to my house to see if I was okay. I kind of ate that crap up at the time but I KNOW that would have never happened LOL. I think I probably would have had a stroke and died on the spot if that happened- which it never would have. I think you kind of know how to play me some times, say things that you KNOW will make me melt and believe you care. Like the last weekend I saw you how you told me you wanted to come to NY to see me for my birthday the following week, but you weren't sure because you were having oral surgery. And then we wound up calling things quits anyway, but even if we didn't I highly highly doubt you would have come. Even though if the role was reversed and it was your birthday and we were in each others lives the way we were I would have been there. It was stuff like THAT that made me question if you cared or not. Or you cared when it was convenient for you. IDK....now I kind of don't even miss you because I'm a little annoyed at things from the past.

 

Oh who am I kidding, I still miss you. And tonight I'm in a bit of an internal dilemma because of things I've done in my life. I've made choices for things to go the way they did the last year. Not involving you, but its bringing me a little down. I cut a lot of people off because I just needed to get away- from facebook, from that group of people. For several reasons. Part of it was you, I won't lie. And I won't tell anyone that because I think it makes me look a little pathetic. Then there were other reasons, reasons I won't get into. That group at times wasn't the most healthy situation to be in or around, that's all I can say. So I made some dumb mistakes though and now I probably can't go back, even though I miss certain people I cut off. I feel like I'm kind of stuck between worlds in a weird way. I can't even tell anyone this- I wouldn't have even been able to tell you because its just too complicated, but I need to get it off my chest because well it involves you. You were part of the reason too. Honestly I think part of the reason I was able to be in NC for 8 months was because I was away from facebook, and I didn't spy on your page or your families. I didn't see updates on mutual friends pages that you had liked or commented on and it didn't kill me. Those things, those reasons made me decide to stay away from FB and I'm glad I did. But now IDK I'm so mixed up.

 

I'm going through some weird emotional stuff inside of me that isn't 100 percent about you, although its really really making me miss you more. And its a silly little thing, but now that I'm driving I wish I could tell you about it. I wish you and I could drive together. Although I know you would have been the worlds worst teacher lol, but I think about it. Or your mom, she always said she would teach me to drive. I feel like I wish I could take her up on that. Just stupid little thoughts. And I really wanted to just text you tonight and be like 'I really do miss you in my life. You were honestly one of the most important people who has ever been in my life and I know I'm the one who walked away, but I'm having a hard time forgetting you and just going back to being strangers' Yeah worst. text. ever. Thankfully it never happened but I wanted to. IDK I need a lobotomy. And I need to be up in 5 hours for my internship. Goody! Need to sleep now!

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I hate missing you. I hate the thought that you are happy when I am so miserable. It is childish but after everything you put me through these two years, it seems unfair that you get to find a new love and I am stuck still loving you. You made me believe that what we had was forever. You made me believe that I was irreplacable... I believed you and now I am just a fool to have ever trusted you.

 

I hope one day you realize what you gave up and when you do it will be too late!

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I've woken up this morning, missing you again. Why does it hit me like a ton of bricks in the morning? I went to see my counsellor yesterday, it ruined my whole day. But I know that I'm going to go through all of these emotions and have my bad days, I just really struggle, but slowly I'm getting there. I've deactivated my own Facebook but I know my friends password and I keep checking your page which is pathetic of me. Everytime I see that you're in another relationship, it makes me sad. I saw your status the other day which was "it's not about feeling that low, that all you wanna do is cry" I wanted to be there for you SO much, but I can't anymore, I've walked away because you did a long time ago. I can't stop thinking about you, all the memories, the kisses, the cuddles. But why am I thinking about the good? I should be thinking about the fact that you're a coward, selfish, heartless. How you choosed him over me, how you were in a relationship with him as well as me, how you emotionally cheated on me, how you broke my heart, how quickly you moved on, how you did all the things that you promised you never would. The truth of the matter is, even after what you've put me through, I can't hate you, I've tried and I can't. All I want is for you to be happy even though you don't deserve it, not after what you put me through, but I still hope you're happy because it's all I want. All I do know is that he will NEVER love you like I did and still do, never. He won't make you smile I did at the most stupid things. He won't kiss you like I did and know exactly when to stop. He won't hold you when you're in one of your moods. He won't brush your hair out of the way when he's about to kiss you. He won't know how much you hate coffee because it gives you a headache, he won't know how easy it is to make you feel awkward, he won't know how easy it is to hurt your feelings, he won't know how much you love cups of tea in front of the gas fire, he won't know how much the little things mean to you, he won't know how much of a kid you are, he won't know that no matter how much you push someone away, you still need that person. He won't know how much you HATE photographs. Above all, he'll never know you like I do. Just like you know me, sometimes better than I know myself. I miss you so much it hurts.

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I figured out where I went wrong and I can see now what you have been trying to tell me. I want to tell you that you were right and explain myself. But I won't. Not now. That would be a big mistake even though I am just dying to share my "eureka" moment with you.

I'll post here instead.

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Today is our last day of no contact. We agreed to not talk for a week. You can contact me tomorrow if you want to. I'm honestly unsure what I want you to do. If you want to get back together with me and you're serious about it, then I very much hope you contact me. If you're going to contact me and lead me on again, then I hope you stay away.

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My day has been shot to h*ll. Classes were cancelled today because of the snow. The gym is also closed because of the snow. Don't these people realize that I NEED these things during my week to keep me busy. The girls will probably cancel tonight because of the snow too. I've resigned myself to just wallow in bed, completely forget about healthy eating and my diet and just watch depressing movies all day. I'll probably cave today. Talking to you a little bit can't hurt right? I just miss you. Is that so wrong?

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Today I saw A's facebook page. Full of sweet and loving messages from his wife. I remember when we were at their wedding, 8 months ago. 8 months ago was really when everything started breaking apart. I knew, at their wedding, that we wouldn't have that. I knew everything had to end once you were living on the other side of the world. I knew I would have to end it. And I did.

But looking at those sweet things they call each other on facebook, like "my beautiful love", I just wished I could someday have that kind of love with someone else. I didn't want any pictures of us in my nor your facebook page, I didn't even want to write things like "I love you" in there, because I was afraid that you would be writing things in my wall and at the same time you could just be flirting (or something worse) with someone. And I just cried. Not because I thought I had that with you, but because I know we didn't have that, you ****ed up so bad, you destroyed something that could have been EVERYTHING. And I cried because I KNOW I deserve it, and I KNOW I will have that someday.

 

I want to forget you. I want to be happy with someone. I want to forget you even existed. I don't want to hate you, I don't want to wish you bad, I just want you to be completely irrelevant. I want to look back and think how the hell did I spend almost three years with somebody that was such a bad person.

 

I just wish you knew that I will never ever call you, text you, facebook you, skype you. You don't deserve me.

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I tell I do not want to keep in touch and your reply is thus:

 

'I understand that you don't want too much contact and we can go as slow as you want, but I think it would be a shame if we lost contact completely and were not able, one day, to be friends.'

 

I've had a really lovely day but it was a bit bittersweet: I longed to be in a bigger city. I'm feeling emotionally confused. To come home to this just made me cry. A sad cry. Not a panicky cry. I just want to be let go. You were my partner for 6 1/2 years. You broke my heart. I am suffering the painful grief that goes with loosing you. The looking back at happy times and mourning them. Missing what is familiar and second nature to me. Mourning our future together and fearing that I will never have another relationship.

 

I feel patronized by you. That I don't understand my own feelings but I feel I do. In my mind, I need to move forwards and I cannot do that being in contact with you. I'm not strong. I would feel in competition with you. I would compare myself unfairly to you and you would have a head start. I don't know how any future partner would feel about me being friends with my ex of 6 years. I would not want them to have that concern. That feeling of a missed special connection.

 

What you are saying in this e-mail is that you don't want to loose me as a person and you're trying to control that. To you it would be a shame that our friendship has ended.

 

To me, it was a shame that you didn't want to work on our relationship. To me, it was a shame I was with you for so long.

 

How can I be your friend when you hold so much power over me?

 

Let me live my life.

 

And pay me back my money.

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I think back on our relationship and I feel a little degraded because now I realise how terribly you treated me while I just say there and took it. I mean, remember when you got angry because I said "I love you" to you while your sister could hear? Really? You got angry over that.

 

How about when you would forget our plans and go off and do something else instead? Was I just a placeholder until something better came along? Oh, we'll that answers itself I guess because here I am dumped by you a second time for no clear reason.

 

That was the other thing, taking you back. I took you back despite your cheating, despite your treatment of me. Why? Because I loved you. Even though you had those moments when you were so incredibly hurtful to me. I let my love for you go unchecked and it got too strong to where it clouded my mind and judgement. Never again. It cost me pain and a lot of dignity but this was a lesson that was very hard learned. A lesson nonetheless though.

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I was hoping to spend a lot of time doing fun things this summer with you. Now ... I'm struggling - I hope I moved on by the summer and that you don't have such a hold on me anymore. I have tried so hard to stay busy, connecting with my friends again, exercise and take care of myself. But everyday ... there's a moment when I just miss you and miss all the things that we have planned to do.

 

still hurt but day by day .. I'm getting better ... I really do hope that by summer comes, I can build new memory, do fun things with my friends and move on!

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It's pretty weird that I still go through waves of emotions at times, but at the end of the day, when I have a moment to just calmly reflect, I feel better.

 

Everything is so different now. It is different in the sense that there is absolutely no going back, and you absolutely destroyed what once was. On one end, I'm relieved to see that I am a good person, and that I continue to grow and be a good person despite what you did to me. On the other hand, I still am plagued by all the hurtful things you said and did to me, and I wish I never met you. It makes me sort of sick to say that, because I have never wished that someone was never introduced into my life, but you just brought so much destruction.

 

I sometimes think about what I would say if you ever spoke to me again. But I also hope that I never have to see you again in my entire life. It's so strange that now this is what I wish. It is lightyears away from what I once felt. But just as I was left with the choices I made, you likewise are left with yours. I can know 100% that I never have to worry about making the wrong choice again in regards to you. I know forever who I am, what I have to offer, and what you chose to reject. That is okay and all, and I know that many many decades from now, you will still never have the opportunity to be a part of my life again. Time has proven that I am interesting, that I am attractive, and that I have unique perspectives and life experiences. I know now that no one can ever take that away from me, no matter how forcefully they try.

 

Also I am happy to know that I never have to second guess myself ever again in my life. I know that I am not responsible for your cruelty towards me, and you can live with that happily for the rest of your life. Only a psychopath would, and not feel an ounce of remorse, but that's not my problem. I am so relieved, so happy to know that years and decades from now, I will not have to ever think twice about you. I will know that YOU screwed up, and will live with that. I'm pretty sure you don't have a normal functioning conscience though, so no big whoop, but at least I broke free from the mind effery.

 

I think people get bogged down in life by regrets. I sure have felt that way, and I know many others who have felt the same. I just am thankful though that I know you are 100% responsible for the fact that you will never have me in your life again. You have absolutely no choice to completely forget me (which granted you probably already have), and enjoy what you have...forever, because now you DON'T have a choice. Let that sink in. You don't have a choice anymore. You went too far, you are cut off, and you can live with it. Maybe it might not matter now, because you still don't realize your option is down to one, but someday...when you have your lightbulb moment, you'll realize you're stuck.

 

Maybe you're always looking for options for friends, or people to admire or want you, but the game is over. At least I bowed out.

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You texted me last night asking how I was. Why? I told you I need space. I said I was doing good and you said you were glad to hear that.

What the hell is that?

It's so damn vague that I can't figure it out.

You didn't even last 2 days NC before contacting me. But I have no clue as to whether that means you're missing me or are you just trying to salve your guilt?

Are you feeling relief or regret about ending it?

Are you trying to sort through your issues? Are you worried you made a mistake?

 

It's driving me crazy and I want to talk to you and ask you how you feel. The fact that you keep telling me I can call you anytime, call over anytime, that you're there for me 24/7 and that maybe we'll end up back together is not helping me. At least if you didn't want to see me or speak to me I'd find ir easier to not call you.

But you need space, I know that. Whatever might happen in the future, you can't handle a serious relationship now so I need to keep reminding myself of that.

I need space too. But what I need is very different to what I want.

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Going through old whatsapps.. brings out all kind of feelings. I just can't believe this. I can not believe it. I want to know why. I really, really, really want to know why. Why would you suddenly act só indifferent when all this time you seemed like a person with so much empathy. It's so strange that you said you were sorry you could not see me when I came to pick up my things. But after that refused to speak to me. I don't get you at all. I just really want to know why I deserved this crap. I want to know how.. how can you read all my emotional heart-broken texts and respond so.. cold. How can you suddenly be so cold? Doesn't it do anything to you? How could you be so changed then. I don't understand it. And I've had therapy, I know it's not helping me to dig and dig. I won't ever get an answer to that. Unless it will come out of your mouth. But I don't think it ever will. I shouldn't hope for it. Because the way you've acted since breaking up with me.. are so absolutely avoiding confrontation.

 

And that's why I am angry. Because you didn't gave me a chance to speak express my feelings. You've avoided it like the plague. Fck you! If you cause my heart to break and just.. push my out of my life because you don't want to be confronted with the hurt I think you are low. I think you are such a low person for that. Yeah I might have been overreacting. So what! Seeing you on the street.. you looked scared. What did you think? I was going to burst out in tears? I would rip your head off? I would start yelling to you?

 

I can't understand it. I wish I could have seen this coming. But I didn't! Now I know why you call your ex manipulating borderliners. Guess I will be on that list too because I am emotional. You don't want to see that ugly side of yourself do you? Telling me and yourself and everyone else how you are súch a nice good guy . How you are different from all the other guys. Someone should just *****-slap you with the truth. You're not all that different. The only thing that's been different from all my other exes is this: you didn't even get the guts and the respect to make time for an important confronting conversation. It's so easy right! Just don't pick up the phone. Just don't properly explain why and avoid a conversation. I hope you regret this! I hope you will lie awake at night and will think "wow, I've been an idiot".

 

But I don't think you will. I bet you will think "wow she's crazy!". You will not even thínk about whý I reacted the way I did.

All the hope and energy and love I've spent only to get dumped on this way. Yes we've only had something for a couple of months.

And honestly , I would love to learn where I've been wrong in all of this. I really do. But I don't got a clue.

 

How could you?!?!

 

If you can not handle the emotions of a woman... ok I get that you want to break-up then.

Because I will always be a woman full of emotions. Good and bad.

But still though... I think you are a huge dissapointment. A HUGE dissapointment.

You believe that you are the person that you wánt to be. But in fact you are nót such an angel.

Yeah you even told me some spiritual person thought you were an angel.

Hell no!

I'm not an angel either.

 

Can't believe how I've embaressed myself.. being so angry at you.. begging.. letting you know how much you've hurt me.

Being so upset and unstable about someone that doesn't even make time for me to talk to me on the phone/IRL.

You are not worth that.

But I'm so upset that I've been so wrong about you. I really want to understand your behaviour. But I can't .

 

How can I not have seen this coming?!

 

I hope you will feel guilty.

I can not be zen about this at all.

I can not forgive you right now.

I wish I will in the future.

Because all of this anger and wrath is just only destructive to myself

 

And at times like these I'm thinking.. Maybe there's been another woman? I think you're behaviour has been só strange.

Really strange.

 

And no, it's not ok if I try to hurt you as much as you have hurt me.

I just feel this could have gone very different. If only you said "ok I understand you want to talk about it, I will make it possible for you".

Instead you said you were sleeping next to your mom..

Your mom.. Seriously.. grow up, mister. If you don't want to speak to me just say so. Don't make up excuses like "I'm sleeping next to my mom".

You are above 30!! When you break a woman's heart, you can't just reschedule that. No you've got to deal with it! And all of it that comes along with it!

But you know what... I won't even confront you with it. I will rise above it. Go ahead and avoid it. I know you've got a conscience.

That conscience will one day catch up with you. And you will have to face it.

It's clear that that is not up to me.

I should not even want to learn you a lesson.

Because I am só hurt and upset, I will not even be able to do so in a good, mature way.

 

I know I've been unreasonable lately. But I did not deserve this cowardly lame behaviour of yours.

I think it's very childish and immature.

 

But still I hope you contact me. Strange isn't it. There is no logic to feelings at all.

But I'm hoping to get recognition from you.

 

You said I've said things that have hurt you... But when I read back the things I've said.... I've got no clue.

Yeah I got angry because we've been floating in between friendship and relationship for months and you are being so fcking clueless about it.

I've got patience, I'm able to give you space. But that also comes to an end. And at that conversation it came to an end.

You said you didn't know if you wanted to date other woman. You didn't know if someone would swap you off your feet.

What!? I thought I was that one the whole time. You made me believe I was that one the whole time! How could you deceive me like that?

How could you?! And then you are surprised that I am reacting emotional. Where has your emotional intelligence gone?

 

Can't you see how something like that can hurt? And then I left you room to disappoint me more and more.

You won't hear a thing from me. I will not say hi if I meet you and pretend it's ok.

 

IT IS NOT OK!

 

(needed to rage, obviously)

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It's all a mess. I'm a mess. And where are my supposed to be friends now? I'm feeling very alone about this. Just can't believe this. You didn't want a relationship with me the whole time. You could have told me that! You should have told me that! It would have saved us both a lot of hurt and trouble. You've lost all of my respect. But I just can't believe it. I could type this whole forum full of it. Will it help? No not at all. I won't change anything? How can I trust again? If I didn't see this coming at all? How?

 

Reading back all we've typed. Our arguments. I figured out you treated me this way because you were hurt too. But still. You should not have postponed that conversation.

I would have dropped everything, anything at that time, to talk to you! And you.. you *&%@! it up big time.

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Today is the end of our agreed upon one week of no contact. I woke up excited to hear from you. But it's 4:30 PM, and you have not contacted me. I'm still hopeful that you will contact me tonight.

 

What are you thinking? I'm guessing you still don't know if you want me. You're probably staying away so that you don't hurt me again. I guess I can kinda respect that.

 

But I want you. I miss you. I thought you felt the same way. How did we go from looking at engagement rings to this? How? I just don't understand. I thought I was your perfect girl. You always said that. Was it a lie? How am I ever supposed to trust anyone again?

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After we talked last week, I started to realize that maybe we aren't meant to be. Or maybe we are, but not right now. You never understood my emotions and I think you were put off by them. This is who I am and I don't plan to change that. I want to be a better person and I admit I have things I need to work on (as does everyone), but never will I change how emotional I can be or how deep I feel things. I think you need to grow and mature some more and figure out within yourself why you have such a hard time talking about your feelings.

 

I do still hope you call me someday and I admit, I am hoping you text me on my birthday. The door is still open.. but I feel I may close it sometime soon.. so if you want me back, you better say something before it's too late. I still miss you so much and love you, but I need someone that won't leave when things get tough. Can you be that person? Maybe someday, but maybe not. Only time will tell.

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